Forever, ever?

No I’m not going to tell you how many times I’ve broken my phone in the past 2 years.

I’m not going to tell you where I’ve been but it will start with living.

I’m forever stuck 

I’m permanent duck ,

Getting down and staying there,

You are the adventure master 

So prove me a new disaster to get through ,

Cause that umbrella is broken,

Mercy has spoken but so has pain…

Spam Followers

It was the latest of inventions. It was the greatest of intentions.

It wasn’t anything anyone said. It was all in the things I did.

No one started this but You. You are capitalized, and you are in the sunrise.

You are this reflection, cause its about to go a different direction.

I am not abstract enough to tell you I can’t be specific, and when I am specific it isn’t just about one thing. Read this enfp article: ( just ask me).

We do have our ways of never saying exactly what we mean and think and that feels way to much of an excuse to creatively lie, or insult people.

I am afraid of wisdom. Maybe it is because that’s all you have ever told me to go after. I am sitting here in Kansas City on a trip remembering that this blog and a million other memories and ideas started in this city. 2007 marked the year of the Ruckus and many other revelations, and where do I stand 10 years later?

Who is really following me? Who is a real follower and who is spam?

I mean I am after the real but most of my emails aren’t. And if Facebook is a church to attend then everyone goes and no one really knows if you stop going, but everyone will know when your life gets jacked and messed up..and then you should stop showing up.

I am up late taking to a blog world that probably is listening closer then those around me, but fear, see fear is the intention that stays the same. Fear is the mother of invention. You invent to survive. You invent to stay safe and you seem to follow anything and anyone that keeps you living a little bit easier then you did before.

I don’t want the spam. If God is an equation and if hunger starts the conversation then I feel I must start talking and asking again and again. Is just my life and its experience, is that enough to have a message? Because there seems to be a reason why I can’t just make it all spin around back to me and something I did, and someplace cool that I lived, it has to be about You, God, and what you started in us.

You are not spam. You are the one worth following. I will climb and drown and get close to dying a thousand times. It might feel like its fake, or to fake to be real, or to hard to be worth it, but following rarely isn’t anything but the best thing.

My intention is love even though it looks like fear. My invention is not anything I came up with, but it is asking for a wise voice to have, to not fear it..

Continued

Thought you would be the one,

Be the one to save me,

Be the stay in the stay with me.

I was just trying to assess,

Trying to assess my weakness,

It was always for you, it was always me and You.

Now I am trying to continue all those days that don’t

Have you,

Now I am staying up all night waiting for the next

Flight, I know you never liked me traveling, and moving

Around so often,

It felt like a coffin,

Like a dead zone for you to sit in,

But I wanted to be the one to do the things I

Try to love.

My life is in circles,

Its a virtual tour,

Its a daily explore,

So maybe you should stop being so afraid,

So afraid of things changing.

I just wanted to continue,

With or without you.

I just wanted to let go of trying to

Find you, or trying to show up just

For you.

I know you like the stage,

I know you like the attention

I know you will never forget to mention

All the reasons you wanted to stop this,

But I can’t be the one to make you continue on,

I need to move on too,

Past you, past summers, past fireworks,

Past everything that ever was great about trying

To figure you out.

I wanted the wild kind of prayers to pray,

I wanted the wild kind of love for You

I wanted the summers to stay free as

Long as there was a you and me.

Maybe I am still writing about the same themes

Of my youth,

Maybe I am done looking for the proof.

I am hooked on more than a feeling.

I am hooked on believing.

I am not faker,

I am no taker.

I am no perfect kind of lover.

I just wanted an edge to stay on,

I just wanted friend to lean on.

I just wanted another someone,

Cause I got to much to say these

Days to keep it in, to keep it deep

Inside of me.

I am going to continue,

Even if it seems like its without you,

You already took up my time,

Took it all up,

Now I am still bad at growing up,

And not accepting what must continue.

It is real to be here, and it is without you.

And that is fact that will continue.

Edge

Now I inspire,
To let it all come down to the wire,
Is it showing up that is all that matters,
Or is action that shatters intention,
And proves you are the worthy one
Of attention,
You wanted it,
So did I,
I wore those costumes like
It was a custom,
A custom to stay close to the
Stage,
Live on the gig,
Living on Your rig,
Now I empty myself,
Numbers in hand,
The addition is my sedition,
Now I owe you to much now,
I owe you it all now,
I inspire,
I need the wire,
I need the edge,
I need the high,
I need you by my side,
I need it,
Or what else is there to do?

Numbers For You

This series I am working on has to do with a lot of choices of the past. Connecting child hood raising with getting older and making choices on your own.

I wanted me to live longer
But I feel the death,
It feels like a short,
A short on cash,
Short on the hash,
Short on the growth it takes
To get taller and better then the
Love I was given,
I thought I could stick with it,
I could stick with you,
And you were the one that slid
Away,
You were the one that got away,
I am the one that was up waiting with You,
And for You.
I had this series already written,
Mom and dad played the biggest part
Of all,
The the stage changed,
Then the page changed,
Then I got older,
Then I chose 18,
Then I chose to not swing
And to bottle it up instead.
I just had a lot of me time,
A lot of alone world to live
In, now I wish I could take
That back,
 Wish it would hurt less to
Say yes to love, cause they
All were cute and pretty,
They all were there,
Living in the glory
Without me,
God never told me to love you
Like that, He also never told me
Anything about where to choose
And who to use,
And who to ride as long as
The ride would last,
Cause I at all your food,
I changed all my mood,
Then it crashed,
Then it hit space heater
Time,
I couldn’t press delete or
Even bounce back,
That was just a Satan attack,
But my mind was whack
And it was renewed eventually,