Part 1

I have come to this place.

Like I was without volition,

Or any ambition.

I was the one that heard it from you first.

I did all that I could to try and listen.

You were just a beautiful kind of vision.

I said I would start working out for you,

I would start running for you.

Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?

So now I am in the volition,

I am on a day off still in ambition.

I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard

But it was because of the way I was raised.

I was raised for you to see,

All the shining parts of me.

I am in it now,

Waiting for this part to stay the stage,

To never wonder the next page,

I am the risk, and the wonder.

I am raised this way,

Raised in thunder and raised in rain…


For you I’ll stay 

I’ll waste away 

I’ll let you guess how wild I’ve been..

Cause college was a could have been.

Now she sleeps in my bed

Waiting for morning instead ,

Should I remember the reasons 

For allowing this to begin with ,

I don’t know ,

But keeping it a secret ,

12 months later,

That’s a problem.

Ready For It

So I am up for the challenge,
Shaking you from college,
All those days I was studying
Just wondering about my
Saw you in the shadows,
Saw you from the meadows,
Saw you with the way things
Could have been,
Saw you moving up to the
Saw you living with the strangers
In your bed,
Saw you call me instead of
The others,
Saw you leave that behind too,
I see that challenge,
Its an empty road,
Its a risk filled
But safety is preemptive,
Is the assumptive,
Comfort for breakfast,
When empty is what you need.
Hunger is first,
hunger is the greater
I am ready,
Ready to leave this country,
The stress,
The noise,
The way you looked at me.
I am ready for Africa,
Ready for the empty,
Ready to get hungry
Off living for Your empty.

That Should Be Okay

Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”

I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.

That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.

Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.

I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.

Some things are still the same and everything else is not.

Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.

The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.

I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.

.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.

I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.

Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.

I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.

Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.

You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.

Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.

You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.

You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.


Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.

But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?

Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.




Dad told us to wait for the rapture,

To wait for the final capture,

When all those skies would fade


When all those worries would

Shred away.

It it was a slideshow,

Then its about to snow,

Its about to get windy,

Its going without any


Its at you from every


It is coming down,

You’re going up hopefully.

If you were waiting,

Waiting like an elevator,

Waiting to go somewhere,

That somewhere with you,

With all the reasons I could

Never get off,

Those rides were wild,

You made everything never


Dad stored it up,

Saved it for nothing to

Get better,

If it was the rapture,

It was debt-free,

That kind of return was

Cost free,

That kind of resurrection

Did nothing for me.

If its the final capture

That you want,

Then get ready,

Then welcome to the party,

No one is going up

That easy.

Its the elevator that you are

Waiting for,

Its clear glass for all to see,

Its getting stuck just like

Bad luck.

If you want the rapture,

That’s what you are gonna get.

His hand has that trigger,

The only controller of

The elevator.



Gratitude stands in between what you have and what you want. If being grateful was only based on the present then our past fades away. If it is only based on the future then living thankful today is a burden. 
If He was, and is, and is to come then being thankful remains in our past, present , and future . 
..Bill Johnson Quotes . Inspiring these thoughts.  
.Abstract at the moment . Bill says ” thankful people attract breakthrough.” ..