Day # 27- This Town

Just give it my all-
Everything has been Given from You
We will do great things
I carve out a place for you..
Right here,
And right now..

The rich town,
The coffee spots,
The places we all sit,
Get lit,
Feel the stop,
Feel the because,
The why,
Are you your parents?
Is it the rent?
Can the Holy be the down
Payment?
Cause the cross has been lifted high.
This marriage, this is today,
This is the connection we all crave.

Did you die?
Did you save?
Did you ever leave it back there?
Was I the thief,
The one hanging with you?
Was I ever ready,
Ever ready for something new.

Because I am now..

Day #26 -Flat Out

July 23rd

Past tense,

Recompense,

Addition for the subtraction,

An uneven ride it has been,

A unfathomable total is will come to,

All the days, and time spent wondering about you,

Or asking for a redo?

No one is nobody and neither am I!

If this is math then where do you get these kind

Of numbers?

This started with a thought: where do I get life from?

I thirst,

I hunger,

I desire,

Yet I add all of the time I have spent trying to

Follow You, and it doesn’t come through.

I wondered slowly,

And walked daily,

Do I find a fountain to drink from?

Do I find someplace to rest?

Cause I am just like all of you,

Desperate for vision and hope and

Most of all, for Peace.

I thirst,

I hunger,

I ask for the desire..

To change,

To be better,

To hopeless,

To despair,

To all the numbers you pull from the air.

This can’t be fair, can it?

You are flat out true.

You are flat out righteous!

And I still thirst for Justice,

But I still, still am one of those

Men that does not like it!

Days- 25 #..Numbers

Present tense,

Grinding against the self,

Putting your old fear on the shelf.

If this is noise, what kind would it be?

Struggling to come up with the words,

Yet you form them for me?

I can sit back but not relax,

You are the One that created

The Syntax.

Can I form words,

Or numbers?

Yet counting you call

Is your plan, was, will be,

Books opened,

Open,

Will open.

Numbers and transgressions.

We are the ones you count,

And track and gather around you.

 

Post 1: Diagnosis

I have waited, and put off writing about what has been written about for years and years on notebooks, Evernote, and in my mind. Parts of my own story have had an afterglow from the affects of dealing with diagnosis of mental illness.

I am obviously not the only way to write about it on a blog. I am not changing the name or anything. I am loud. I am going to get loud about a lot of subjects. The mission and aim of this blog has been to reflect on truth in all aspects of life. Without any poetic musing attached to it I have been reticent in sharing my own journey.

I have posted videos( in the past) 2014/2015 about all the help I received in Pomona, CA years ago. I am still on the journey and so are you.

I want the audience here to understand that it takes no explanation why you go through things and why you can have hard seasons, and times in your life. You just endure and in some tragic cases people do take their own lives because whatever wasn’t working didn’t (for them!). That is the saddest and most awful part about mental anguish. You feel so trapped, and stuck that what you feel in the moment day by day, month by month, and even for years leads you to a very deceptive but narrow place. You tell yourself that things will not get better. You make a vow that you can’t keep, and your own promise betrays you. “I WONT GET BETTER!”

What is the diagnosis? Are you actually Bipolar Type 1 or 2. Are you manic? Are you just depressed? Are you schizophrenia as if it doesn’t have anyone else, or any pronouns?

You are living in the swirl of what others call you and that is not good enough.

You are trying to fake it until you make it. Making it implies that the suffering will come to an end. The more pain you are in without identification of what the problem is..that leads to this dark, and lonely place in your life. The people closest to you know that you are struggling but they don’t know how to help you, and they might even tell you in a reassurance kind of way..’We love you, but we don’t know exactly how to help you.”

You know where to start. Diagnose yourself as having a problem and needing the people around you to help you.

Day #24 -Sundays

July 22nd

If you have been following long,

I have been diving in,

Living headstrong.

Empty like pockets not full,

Is your hearts dull,

Is today’s lull.

Aren’t you the one to say something will change,

Or the last of those to say it won’t be the same.

I know what you want, and it is deep down.

I walked in this mess

And it was because of you.

Sun beaming on this glorious evening.

I had to fade,

And fade hard because of you.

When you are gone I never know

What to do.

When you slip away,

Am I covered for all the slips.

Am I a Psalm 73?

Would you give me some victory?

Journals: October 14, 2017

Have you ever read stuff in your journals you thought you would never read again? Or, you just forgot you actually said it. In hindsight it is actually better now because anytime you review anything old..now you can say, ” I think I have a better strategy for dealing with that issue that I was writing about.

I had a list in my notebook( thinking out loud on an airplane)

  • I need to be at zero and save money
  • Even with all these weddings happening I will be alright though.
  • It is already getting better
  • I have creative dreams
  • I need a computer now( true story I got on a week later)
  • I want it now..
  • I am in pain
  • A cycle has existed that says, ” Well, if I would just practice self- control.”

Tell yourself..

How and why do I even write like this..it sounds like I am always worrying about the same 3 things: Money, the future, trying to be better.

At least I am writing about trying to do better.