I have been writing a lot in the last few weeks….A LOT!!! And since I have I am also thinking that maybe some backstory to some of these pieces might help make more sense to the expression.
I have always been a little all over the place in writing poems or these pieces of writing that are double spaced rhyming(not all the time) and have one to two word titles. I don’t have a long history of writing like this. I went through the ringer of pain and suffering 4 years ago in 2007 that I feel I can now talk about in absolute gratitude and reflection. I had trouble sleeping which led to a bunch of leaving town episodes which led me to Orange County which led to bad medicine which led to me coming back to KC, where I feel I really live; and has now led to me getting off all the crap; which has led to me now writing about it.
I feel, as a fledgling young writer, so much of what you want to express in your life comes out of personal experience. I mentioned this in brevity a few weeks ago. Writing is about expressing weakness and human suffering or pain. Its about making sense of your fallen self and your responses, whether big or small, to all that is going on around you. Making sense of yourself is the most difficult thing and trying to love others along the way, in my mind, makes for good fuel for the fodder of the storywriter in me.
Its not a rule to use personal experience. You don’t ever have to, ITS NOT A MUST but it is a good starting point. Starting with what you have endured and pushed through and been redeemed by makes you appreciate it all the more. I have more gratitude and less regrets, almost no regrets over that which has pained me. My own suffering and pain from others and those that love me is what gives me the courage to keep going and stay alive.
I am living to always find the meaning behind what is happening in my life. When I was in the sleep swirl my family was also going through a ton of stuff that created much questioning. With my head looking up at the sky asking the Lord why? Prompted me to start writing on receipt tape at the grocery store.
The most profound piece was called “77 beats per minute” and I had been obsessing over my heart beat because of anxiety. My mom would have to tell me over and over not to worry about it. She was reading this piece from a book and this guy had described his insomnia as a spider-web above his head.
I took those talks and that pain and created this poem that was my plea to the Lord to stay in control of me even though I was feeling not in control, I prayed, with all my heart; Lord, please, crack the web above my head.
As the months moved on I stopped reflecting and then it happened again and a year later I started putting it together even more. What also became apart of the reflection was all the relationships I had in Orange County and the reflection on the way of life around me. Working at Trader Joes was a huge blessing but also brought me to see many ironies in the way of life. I noticed how much money had affected people and how disconnected it felt to live in this lucrative paradise. I had written ‘The Crash Of March’ based out of this kid crashing through our store, literally he did. Wine went everywhere and we could have died, I certainly mixed the description of what happened with my own eternal questioning of being asleep at the wheel and not living alive before God, fearing Him and embracing my own death.
As 2009 rolled out I had over 100 pieces of reflection. As time has continued I am still reflecting on Orange County Life. This past week I have been thinking of abortion and pregnancy. I had always thought of this stuff but watching Teen Mom And The Secret Life Of The American Teen has prompted me to reflect on it. In Belly Full Of Responsibility, Protection, Waves Of Control, And Your Adoption I am really talking about two girls I know who went through the situations I am talking of. Gina and Cheyanne are real people. I guess they know now that I care for them both a lot and am writing so you know I do care and hope all is okay these days.
Broken gravity is a term I created=(or maybe someone else has) that has made me appreciate the human mess. Talking of what I have seen has always been fuel.
I feel I am also always trying to talk about praying to Jesus and the many things that come in our walk with God. Pain and suffering and giving Him everything are always in my line of sight.
I talk about Runaway Town and Samsonite Days as the real thought that I’ve had so many times about wanting to run away from my problems and the pain that builds up sometimes. Seeking to escape only ever means that Jesus is who you want to run to in the midst of the self affliction. I find that me loving the airplane doesn’t mean I should love ditching everything and leaving but what if I did? I know I will never do that but I feel its real to want to run away.
And yes, there are plenty of references to old relationships. I will never actually mention who is what and when is what. It will always read you or her or then. Its not my goal to loathe in the pain of rejection but rather I want to reflect on the pain and how its made me better and more in love with the Lord. Love, or the appearance of love, is a dangerously painful process. We aren’t always received by everyone and we are usually so selfish that its hard to think of others. All my relationships have taught me much about myself and the Lord that I owe myself the debt to reflect on it. I have never been a fan of the melancholy songs that reflect not getting over yourself, that is so Dashboard Confessional; we can’t do that, its unhealthy but mentioning glimmers of limping teach you how to walk better in this life.
It Hurts So Good is one of my favorite pieces on the combination of something my mom said to me years ago. Its a reflection of the mixture of family hurts as well as other moments to. It hurts so good means its worth hurting to gain the meaning and the feeling of love. Hurting has made you better forever and ever.
Earning it and more bills are about the materialism that surrounds the mind. It is about someone specifically that carried different views then me about money. Spending that time seeing different views has made me reflect on its effect on trying to love someone.
The list goes on but hope this gives you some perspective behind some of these pieces of writing.