Here Again

Here I am again,
The the midst of the night,
Calling it right, not rhyming
Right, not sounding it out loud,
Not feeling the shrewdness of
Humanity around me, it’s a weird
And unfair exchange, a thief on the
Cross thing, a kind of deep fear that
Lives in me—can I slow down? Can
I slow it down really low now, can
I get a little lower now? Is she in this
Head all the time that it could remain
This way? Is she gone? Is she still never
Quite the same—will it be colder this
November to spend it without you?
The seasons have taken a hold of me,
Transition has lived in me,
Change has possessed me, for I am
Here again, seeking it again,
The books have been piling up
High again, their words, their
Shelf life, their stamps of approval
Upon me—I am here again, alive again,
Wrestling again—this world is soon
To end, Christ to apprehend us,
To come near to His children,
I am in the shadow of those past
Things, I am in the shadow of all
Those old mistakes, all those old
Heartaches, nightly was a might
Be, was a rewinding affair, was
A backwards letter effect,
Was another court order in
You, I am guilty God, guilty of
Living for myself, of putting you
Up on the shelf—here I am again,
Trying to live for you

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