The Surface

Thought I was over it,
Thought I could grow out of it,
I remember what it was like,
To stay up all night,
To live like you are ready for the
Next flight, always ready, always
A fight, always making it about
Being right,
I remember the fall,
The autumn wind,
The least amount of light
That ever could come in,
The getaway to the left
Coast, to the west world,
To the orange kind of surf boards,
I remember how time was of the
Essence, how life slowly lost its
Efflorescence, how nightly we sought
After the presence, how darkness became
The new guide, how everyone learned,
Really, how to hide,
I didn’t really know how much of an impact
You made on me, until time went by,
And you have stayed with me,
I thought you were the future,
My future like the furniture,
Like you chose to sit down
And stay a while,
Like I never wanted anyone else
To stay as long as you did,
All of childhood was about the stage,
About chasing fame, about learning
Your name, I mean, your real name,
It was like we were just kids,
Just fragile little ones,
Bright eyes shining like fire flies,
How the blizzard came,
And locked us in,
We wanted the next flight,
Served us right,
Nothing ever went as planned,
Though no one ever plans their
Own death,
It still is a curse,
Ready for the hearse,
Ready for the ground,
Ready to go down,
I am older, I am past a lot of things,
But I am not past the love that you bring,
I am not past the few friends that everyone
Gets, I am not past the impact that you made
The dent of You, the thought of You,
Daily we strive, mostly to survive,
Mostly to try for some happiness,
To be a little less alone then yesterday,
But all of life has never been lived in the
Clouds, though they are coming down,
Don’t you see?
All of life has been reaching for a future that
Hasn’t happened yet,
For always wanting the next meal,
The next thing called real,
The next love you might get,
Or never get,
All of life has been in the past,
Has been a listless list of reasons
For anger, for pain, for bitter,
For all of the things mom and dad
Could have done better,
Like they left us alone,
Even when we were home,
Like all the lights were off,
Like we needed repair,
While you lived that corner despair,
We still were learning mercy as a
Rule, as a pillar, as a chosen virtue
To chase,
All of life has been about what is next,
Who to marry,
Who to avoid,
Who to forgive,
Who to fake it around,
Who’s party not to go to,
All of life has not been today,
It has not been about the surface,
The ground, the wind, the trees,
The new stop sign down the street,
Anything to stop me from speeding,
For that has been my addiction,
All of life is experienced now,
Today, today’s sun,
Today’s Son,
Today’s love,
Today’s mercy,
Today’s opportunities,
Today’s sorrows,
Today’s pain,
Yes, I see it now, a little bit better,
I am not in control of the weather,
Of death, or loss, or change,
Or everything shifting when you
Least expect it,
Yes, these cracks are because of me,
Because we chose the wrong tree,
Because rules are easier then risk,
And risk is where love lives,
It isn’t painless, it always costs something,
It might ruin you, but it will never fail you,
I remember what it was like,
To stay up all night,
To live like you are ready for the
Next flight, always ready, always
A fight, always making it about
Being right,
I still live for the airport,
The flights and the lights,
But maybe when you stop running
Away, you won’t crave a getaway,
You will only crave today,
And it might be your last,
Or your first, or your fifty first
Thousand days left before you
Go,
Today is the day, to live,
You are my future,
You’re like permanent furniture,
Never leaving this home,
Never moving out of this mind,
Never asking but always available
For all my time,
Today is where God is,
Sitting, waiting, watching,
Smiling, and certainly
In control.

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