I am not going to take a picture of the evening. You can imagine anyone’s mess, can’t you?
Iced coffee from quarters I used to unpack and clean my clothes. I have never moved around so much. Since April first I have been on about 10 work trips adding up to 70 days worth of being gone.
I promise you, I am right here. I can’t imagine a life without imagining. I need borders for this mind, but then again, I’ve always asked to have no borders.
I was introducing you to where I am at tonight. I am in the kitchen. This is where I have spent the last year of my life writing. Yes, I have been away and gone and at other coffee shops or hotels, but when in California this is where I craft things. Most of you have seen a lot of poetry. It just kind of always is present. I have moments and times when I don’t want to write anything at all.
I struggle right now blogging world. I struggle with a couple of things. I don’t want to waste my life, and why should anyone? Have you ever had that ‘accountable and responsible’ conversation with people? The more you know, the more you are held to that standard.
If you are the boss of a company and a employee that just started don’t you think a mistake made falls heavier on the boss and not the new person?
We know this. We know that life is unfair. Life for many is prison. It is living trapped while everyone walks free. It is a storm and you are the only one with no umbrella. It is a rat race but you are actually a rat, and everyone else has been running daily. They are good at life, and you are a recipient of death. This may all sound sort of morbid and suicidal, but sadly this is reality. I often just want to be “positive” and look at all the good things that are happening in my life. And believe me, it is a long list.
However, the prying at me with books and sermons that say “be positive!” makes no effect on me. Impervious to those words many of us have become. Numb to anything that could overcome what we call “reality.”
This is meant to be a little all over the place.
You have cards. You got a whole set of ten. You got a whole deck. You love that 52 pickup.
You are like me. You can’t play cards very well. I never had enough in me to sit and try to win at any kind of card game. You got cards. Some are clean, and some are dirty. Some of you are bent and held in pockets, and tossed around to and from the highways you call daily.
No, it is not fair. Mom and dad aren’t together anymore. Your kids hate God and you are the only one praying for them. You have made little progress with money and you actually care about it. Others look like they don’t care and have to much to share. You are not bothered by Capitalism. You are annoyed with how little you care about the poor.
You feel like your front door is always open, but as time has gone on…that door is closed. No one really stops by anymore. It is not the size of your house that has mattered, but how wide your heart has gone and how far you have been willing to love those around you. Your house is your heart. You are a mobile home, and everyone wants to visit.
Its not fair. But I am still here. I would like to say that I got enough love or that I am over the last time I ever tried. This world is broken. Its become more of a card game then anything else. It has dealt everyone a different hand.
I am not asking you to pretend like everything is okay, but what is true is this loud RUCKUS He makes. This loud noise. This loud, very uncomfortable truth: lay it down.
Surrender is really how you move forward. Surrender has nothing to do with circumstance, but everything to do with progress.
All your cards. All that you hold close. Real things. Close things. Scary things. All those things no one else sees at the table. You are wearing those sunglasses well. Only the hidden soul is tormented by secrets. You got to change. You got to live out in the open. You got to be putting down all your cards.
Trust again. And live again…