I have waited, and put off writing about what has been written about for years and years on notebooks, Evernote, and in my mind. Parts of my own story have had an afterglow from the affects of dealing with diagnosis of mental illness.
I am obviously not the only way to write about it on a blog. I am not changing the name or anything. I am loud. I am going to get loud about a lot of subjects. The mission and aim of this blog has been to reflect on truth in all aspects of life. Without any poetic musing attached to it I have been reticent in sharing my own journey.
I have posted videos( in the past) 2014/2015 about all the help I received in Pomona, CA years ago. I am still on the journey and so are you.
I want the audience here to understand that it takes no explanation why you go through things and why you can have hard seasons, and times in your life. You just endure and in some tragic cases people do take their own lives because whatever wasn’t working didn’t (for them!). That is the saddest and most awful part about mental anguish. You feel so trapped, and stuck that what you feel in the moment day by day, month by month, and even for years leads you to a very deceptive but narrow place. You tell yourself that things will not get better. You make a vow that you can’t keep, and your own promise betrays you. “I WONT GET BETTER!”
What is the diagnosis? Are you actually Bipolar Type 1 or 2. Are you manic? Are you just depressed? Are you schizophrenia as if it doesn’t have anyone else, or any pronouns?
You are living in the swirl of what others call you and that is not good enough.
You are trying to fake it until you make it. Making it implies that the suffering will come to an end. The more pain you are in without identification of what the problem is..that leads to this dark, and lonely place in your life. The people closest to you know that you are struggling but they don’t know how to help you, and they might even tell you in a reassurance kind of way..’We love you, but we don’t know exactly how to help you.”
You know where to start. Diagnose yourself as having a problem and needing the people around you to help you.