Late night and back to you,

Again and again,

Late in this thinking,

What are you drinking?

Is it the water you are


Dead or is it living? 

Walking in circles,

Always pacing,

When we talk is

It magic in the 


Cause all I keep hearing

Are the things we are saying,

When will we change our ways,

And get it going new,

Cause all I got these

Days are visions of You!

I am not leaving,

But I am not living!

And the only way to
Move is to die,

Surrender, die,

And surrender,

Again in my thinking,

The fullness,

The fullness is what I 

Am drinking!

Regret Much?

Hey friends, how are you? I can’t even pinpoint when the last time it was that I wrote a post like this. I am alive and I do exist. This blog started in 2007 when I was 21 years old and I was in the peak of ministry time in Kansas City. The blog has not died and I love that I have never taken it down or deleted it. It is similar to videos that I have made and even though a lot of that stuff has been lost some things remain.

I don’t want to be young again but sometimes I want a redo on decisions and choices. I am a follower of the faith. The Christ faith. The word Christian and go to church makes most of you cringe. The pandemic has made many fall away from the faith and by ‘fall away’ I mean stay at home in sweats and watch online..ha ha..just kidding! I am not here to point out what you already know. You know the world has been absolute chaos and 2 years ago we were at the start of a wild time. So, how am I doing now?

I don’t really want to write a long post on me. If you want to catch up on some things listen to the Louder Now Podcast.

I want to surrender. For a couple of years I have attended Celebrate Recovery. We call it Celebrate Life at Humanity Church. I want to press into more of God and more Jesus flowing in my life. I have had many reasons to walk away from the faith. All the reasons have to do with mental ilnness but I haven’t. I want to give it all. What keeps me up at night is this burning desire. A desire to live wholeheartedly. A desire to not waste time. A desire to make an impact. A desire for greatness!

Do you do this to? Have you stopped or tuned out these thoughts? Are we now at a place where the desperations of the past that we could call hunger has faded. It has faded because no one can be trusted. No leader. No system. No freedom. No one can be trusted. What is true and who do we follow?

I don’t want to regret much but I do. I can’t change the past and I can’t unstuck myself at times. I am weighed down with the grief of certain choices as it reflects in my last poem Clear Land.

Love is the cure and living in total surrender is how we fight the regret. Time is your greatest commodity. Use it wisely. However, the fear of being perfect is also an illusion. It is not about making perfect choices. It is about reaching towards the one who is perfect and letting Him lead you. Have you faded away? Have you stopped showing up? Do you regret saying no more than saying yes! There is hope. I urge you and myself. Surrender. 100 percent. Surrender.

Clear Land

Is this the place you appear,

Cause I rarely feel you here,

What kind of land is this?

Land of fear or the land of the clear?

I’m looking for you,

I’m searching in the day,

Can’t find my way,

Are you home,

Are you alone?

I felt that fire when you left,

Moved away to the west,

Is this ocean love now?

Eyes are bright red,

I’m faking dead cause I’ve 

Lost my life,

His voice is a hallow,

And I can’t give you a follow,

This heart is burning up,

When am I gonna grow up,

Told you I had to let you go,

Saturdays were your days,

All those miles trying to find you 

Am I sure or just guilty?

Made a hobby out of your body,

Lost in hotel lobbies,

Elevator kind of love,

Got high off of you,

Crashed and burned in night skies,

Can’t look you in your eyes,

How many words were lies?

Reasons to stay,

Reasons to go,

I wanted that pleasure and 

How much does that cost?

Showing up here a liar,

But all you see is fire,

When and where will you 


No one says You gonna come soon!

This land is my land,

Is that a demand, or can You understand?

I’m not leaving, but I’m not living!

Is this place here for fear,

Or can we call it the land of the clear.

World Bipolar Day- New Podcast Episode

Hey friends,
Jared here. March 30th is World Bipolar Day. Here are my thoughts. I am most grateful for friends and community. Having others has helped me more than anything. From one year ago when I crashed my car and became closer with Jacob and Frank at our Celebrate Life group to church groups, pastors, leaders, nuclear family, NAMI friends, all those I have had on the podcast, roommates, and everyone else that I have met. 
Do you have friends? Do you have a support system? Do you believe that God wants to provide this for you in the midst of struggle where you might feel hopeless? I believe God wants us to stay connected to others. We have to be brave in this space and take risks as we open up. Being connected and staying connected is key to grow in self-compassion and in love towards others.
Bipolar has also taught me how to love myself better and how to love others better.
End of show notes:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
For support groups visit:
If you would like to be a guest on the show or have any comments or feedback please email me jared.diehl@gmail.com
Follow us on Instagram: @loudernowmh


Winds of change,

Pain in the exchange,

Looking and seeking,

Can you rearrange?

Written about you 

On a blank page,

Told your story,

Had some misery

In our history,

Are you a distant


Can’t get you out of this head,

Alone in this bed,

Wanted lust instead,

Now I am dying on the inside,

Clicking on everything that looks

Like you,

Do the winds blow where you live,

Or have you stopped listening?

Pain in the exchange,

Is your life new,

Cause I am looking for

Sorrow where I can’t 


Got you at the intersection,
Asking for resurrection,

Will you come around here

Again? Cause your eyes tell

The story of your soul,

You’ve lost control,

Nothing is the same,

That’s part of this exchange.

Gotta Say, Need You To Stay

Gotta say I am sorry and 

Tired, worn down in this


How many times did I stay

When I should go,

And now you gotta know,

It will never snow,

And pour and fall,

And get cold after all.

We are warm together,

Warmer weather,

Like California,

This is where I stay.

I am here, and sorry

About yesterday,

I should have never

Let you go,

Now I can’t let go.

Gotta say those things

Again that you were good

Again and I should have

Said yes to ice skating

With you.

I made a hobby out of 

Knowing your body,

Now your soul is out

Of control,

And your heart is with 

Me wherever I go.

I should have looked you 

In the eyes,

Told you no lies,

Let my truth guide


I am still a man 

Without a clue.

Gotta say I am sorry

For just saying sorry,

Its all you hear of me

These days.

Years Ago

How long has it been,

Since you were in,

In the schedule,

In the rotation,

Earth on its axes,

Grace in access,

Love in excess,

Was that all it was?

When I fall,

I fall hard,

Closing eyes as 

They sleep,

Are you up, still,

Thinking about me

Are you still,

Was it a thrill to

Follow you,

Was it hard to let it go,

Christmas without snow,

But it was a flame,

It was not tame.

How long will it be

To let go of you,

To try the move on,

Cause the fall is hard

And the words are sorrow,

You cannot borrow,

Love was a hobby,

What about your body?

It was enticing,

It was inviting,

Where is the past,

It couldn’t last,

To many pills at 


To many tears

In the day,

It was your idea to

Go away,

Sitting back in chairs,

Sleepless nights in L.A.

Where you gonna go now,

Cause you are still,

Here in my dreams.


Closing these eyes in those

Days when you stayed close,

How many nights did I devote 

To you? How many hours?

Time stood still,

Love was the thrill,

Better than the pills

I had to take to keep 

You close,

Could it have been 

Beter in that orange

County weather,

Is this town fake and

Lovely, or do I just want

Your body?

Gave up some wasted


Learned how to talk to

You in person,

But I couldn’t look

At you, I couldn’t

Really love you.

Stood in the rain,

Prayed in the plain,

Fancy words couldn’t

Save me cause this is 

A disorder and no one

Has the cure.

I was never sure,

Never settled,

Never really certain,

You would pull back

The curtain,

Is this a stage,

Are you a sage,

Can you burn the 

Letters in this heart,

This lonely pain is

Getting to me,

I close my eyes and I

Still see you,

Standing in the rain,

And nothing has ever

Been the same.

Needed You

Closed My Eyes to get away,

When I loved you wanted you 

To stay,

You linger around me,

Ask me lately if I am 

One to be okay,

Is there an eraser,

Are you closer,

Or are we just older? 

I am stuck inside,

Spinning with disease,

Guilt from the things

I said to you,

Are you far away 

Where the wind blows

Cold and can I be bold

And say I didn’t want 

To stay,

I sleep alone,

Love was never a hobby,

I came for your body,

I am left with shame,

Cause I’ve never been

The same since the days

Of bleeding,

I called you when I had 

A reason, was anything

You ever did for good,

Or were you always 

Misunderstood like this,

I needed you,

I needed you,

Needed you,

Needed you

Were you a man now

Typing words away,

Trivial cards to stack,

Did you hate the work,

Cause you did a work,

We heard it,

We felt it,

You dealt it,

I close my eyes and think 

Of you,

I run away and still run

Because of you,

Love is still a cure,

And harder and harder

It gets to hear,

Time is running out,

Time to draw near.