Seeking and Searching

On April 16, 2020 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

I have been using this time to reflect on my journey of mental health and how faithful God has been in the process. God has truly been the source of all the hard questions I have asked over the years. It hasn’t been easy dealing with depression and bipolar. It has forced me to trust God in a deeper way.

This is called Seeking and Searching.

Seeking and searching

You call me into the deep things

Into the unknown,

Out of my comfort zone.

I have been searching and seeking for

a place You call home,

A place where I feel I am known.

You give grace and mercy when I

least expect it and shine light where

I would reject it.

You fix this broken heart

And call me afresh to a new start

This day You have called me forth

To a new search, to a new way of

Living as the church.

You call me into the deep things

And ask of me to sing new songs.

I used to be quiet about the struggle

About the diagnosis,

About the way this disease has effected

Me,

It feels as though it has not stayed hidden

For I have searched and I seek to find some

Rest,

For it has been my greatest test.

My faith has been a war within,

Are you healer, are you strong,

Are you the depth that will last long?

I seek and search for You in this time of

Testing, in this time of crisis, in this time

Of needing more than just words to be

True but a life of power that comes only

From walking with You.

You have become an all consuming fire

A birth to a new desire,

It has come from seeking,

It has come from searching

I am loud now,

Loud about the pain that follows me

Loud about the hopelessness that I have

Faced,

Loud about finding You in the secret place

Loud about hope that comes from You

Loud about spending all my time trying to

Search and seek and make it all about You.

I search and seek,

And choose You this day

New Mercies

On April 16, 2020 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

More poetic reflections on my journey.

Waking up to a new day,

Where new mercies are the way

I hear the blessing in the rain,

I feel less of the pain,

You are the healer of this brain.

Waking up and trying to find You,

Where have You gone off to

And where is the one that has always

Provided.

These mercies I pursue

For I am in need of more of You

I have been finding solace in the

Hidden

Where you call me deeper and out in

The open

Where we seek Your voice and the places

You have spoken

Where I wake up and I know I am

Chosen.

I walk through this darkness and let the

Light in,

I walk through this sorrow and borrow

Your new mercy,

I seek You for I am thirsty,

I lean on You in all of this,

I press into You no matter the

Cost,

I walk as if I am not lost

But as if I am found

Safe and sound and in Your arms.

I wake up with a new vision

I wake up with hope for a new

Mission.

I follow You and worship You

In that you do

I remember You.

You made this day

And you made this rest.

I put my faith, now, to the

Test.

It’s time to rise for today is new

It’s time to fight and to set the

Sight on the merciful one.

I wake up with mercies that are new

I wake up with eyes stayed on You.

Fade Away, Part 2

On April 16, 2020 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Been in a writing flow. Getting my struggles out into poetic form.

I was fading away,

Fading to a new place to stay,

Staying where the pain fits and

Where the depression sits.

It started when that marathon ended,

When that rush was over,

When spring was over

And summer had begun,

Thought more light was more

Fun.

Started out staying up late

And staying out of touch with You,

Started calling you again

And coming over again

Started something that should have

Been the end.

Started out spending all my credit

And saving nothing for a rainy day

For a future time of losing the rhyme.

Road trip to Vegas,

Staying up all night,

Losing all my might,

Giving in to pleasure,

Losing the measure of grace

Falling from this place,

Losing the secret place.

Ended up in the hospital

Started losing sleep,

And so it began,

A whole new painful journey again.

Paced the halls with nothing but

White walls,

Tried to find you but I couldn’t see You

Tried to rest and find some peace

But it was deceased and had left

This place.

I found a new friend with fear

And stopped the tears from flowing

From my eyes.

So it started again,

Deep into the darkness did I

Descend,

Pain I could not comprehend,

It was like these last 6 years were

To good to be true I had slipped and

Fallen out of touch with You.

I am still on the search,

Thank heaven for my church,

For those I can text,

And for the text that says You are

Faithful and True!

For all that I do is dependent on You.

I was fading away but maybe I still am,

Fading into something new,

Something greater with You.

This journey has been a hard one,

But You are a new future,

A new story to be told is found in You.

Time for the old to fade away,

And the new to come!

Fade Away

On April 16, 2020 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

More poetic reflections on my journey with depression.

Waking up to a feeling of fright

Gracefully made it through the night

Trying to get this right

Trying to find some might

Maybe You are who You say You are

Remembering the left wrist and the

Time it was to close to call

When the last I remember was a great

Fall and a fade away.

All that is in front of me is the darkness

And it creeps in with boldness

But where is God and where is the light

Where is the right?

Am I going to far left

And to far lost

And to far gone,

Cause I am fading, too

And where are You

Where are You in all of this.

I see You just barely

I feel You just rarely

I know You but only simply

When did this get so complicated

When did You fade, fade away like

Into the blue You are in a different place

You feel gone and lost away from this place

I feel I have lost my way

Trying to find You

Trying to make it through

Trying to survive

Without the will to live

Where you are?

Have you faded away too

Help me find You

Help me see You

You are in the midst of this place

You have to be here

Where else can I go or

Try to run from Your presence

Waking up to a feeling of fright

Gracefully made it through the night

Trying to get this right

You are good no matter what I feel

You are good no matter what I go

Through, You are the center of this

Storm, and Your eyes don’t fall from

Seeing me in this place.

You have not faded away from this place

You see me here.

My vision will become clear

I am starting to feel You near.

My Depression, Part 2( Old Post)

On April 16, 2020 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITING, Relationships, RELIGION, Righteousness, Ruckus1 Comment

I wrote an article back in January about how I have been dealing with depression. This season of life has been one of the hardest in a long time. I am now on my 8th month of feeling depressed and not stable. A week ago I was at the end of my stay in the hospital and 2 weeks ago I did a short stay in a psychiatric emergency room. Facebook has always been a place where people vent and sometime vomit their personal opinions but can also feel like no one is really being real with what is going on inside of them. I am seeking to comfort those who are afflicted with depression by sharing my own struggles.

I have been lacking the motivation to do all things that need to be done for me to live a normal life. Everything has been hard and my dark thoughts have been harder to fight each and everyday. It feels like instead of taking it one day at at time that I am taking it one hour at at time.

Here is what I am learning. Some main truths to hold onto.

#1 I need to TRUST in the Lord with all my heart.

It is easy to talk about trusting God when things are going your way but what about when we really feel like we can’t feel or see Him. I have broken down TRUST to mean:

Totality- it is all our heart we are called to give and all of our life we are called to lay down. Depression wants to steal the wholehearted commitment we have for God.

Righteousness- walking in the truth that we are the righteousness of Christ, and we can’t earn that. It is part of walking as a new creation. Depression steals and kills these simple truths and pulls us away from them.

Understanding- Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way acknowledge Him. I am learning to not lean on my own understanding especially when it comes to taking medications and having to depend on the help of doctor’s. I don’t have to understand everything going on around me or in me but He wants to lean on Him.

Sacrifice- Trusting Him means we sacrifice our will and our ideas and our strategy and lay that down to know His will even more. Depression steals you away from real sacrifice and makes everything about what you aren’t doing and where you aren’t seeing Him in your life.

Together- Trusting Him for real friendships and relationships. Having this in our life makes all the difference. Depression isolates you from connection and without connection you lack purpose and without purpose you lack hope and hope makes us come alive and walk in Joy on the inside.

#2- I need people. I have been reaching out to everyone I know asking for prayer in this time. It has forced me to walk in humility over my situation. People are needed in my life to pull me through. I think of the passage in Luke 5 when the paralyzed man needs people to pull him closer to the feet of Jesus. It seems like it wasn’t just his friends that helped lift him over the roof but it was also and could have been random people that are around. Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. It leaves us venerable and in need and that need comes out when we are asking others to pray for us. My church every Sunday morning does a call for those that are hurting and need prayer. I have been raising my hand every week asking for prayer. I am texting people everyday updating them on how I am doing. I need people.

#3- The bigger perspective. Life is short and flies by. Often you see a theme in movies and shows where characters are asking hard questions about themselves and their story. It comes down to living a life without regret. Taking chances. Having faith. Finding love. Losing love but to the point that it doesn’t lose you. Depression has been making me feel like this is it for me. That I am going to struggle this way forever and it can’t really get that much better even though I spent the worst year of my life in 2013 to then having the best 6 years of life to follow. Can I really get back to that place of feeling stable like I did for 6 years? This feeling of depression can’t last forever.

#4 Trusting doctor’s. I have never been in the doctor’s office so much and in touch with my psychiatrist. This hard time has forced me to trust in the medical process especially with changes to medications that have been happening. It has forced me to trust my doctor on a whole new level.

I hope this post brings encouragement to you. If you are someone struggling with bipolar or depression ask for prayer and help from those around you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

Dealing With Depression, part 3

On April 1, 2020 By jareddiehl88In DAILY LIFELeave a comment

Dealing with my depression, Part 3.

I have been in a really hard season since August. I went to the hospital, in August, because of a manic episode and spent 2 weeks changing medications and getting myself back to a stable place. My mania calmed down over time and my sleep came back to me but I was left feeling numb and depressed. I managed to function in life but at the bare minimum. My depression over the course of this season got worse and worse. My medicine also kept changing as the doctor was trying to figure out how to get me to a better place of stability. The hardest part of med changes is what it does to you mentally and physically. I went to the hospital again just before Christmas and when I entered into January we started taking me off of certain medications that we felt I maybe didn’t need anymore. This made my depression worse.

My lack of motivation and lack of energy was driving me to this dark place. I have been here before but it has been years since I felt this way. I went through the worse year of my life in 2013 where I had suicidal thoughts daily. I tried to suicide 3 times in 4 months and the last try was so severe that I almost died. I survived and managed to overcome the negative symptoms of my bipolar. I was doing pretty great for a good 6 years but this past year has been a major test of my trust in God. I started getting dark thoughts again the end of February and that led to another hospitalization. This time around we made another change to the medications but this time for the better. After a few days I started feeling better and by day five I was ready to go home. One of the passages of Scripture that has been on my mind has been John 5. The story of the man who thinks he can’t get better. Jesus, in His mercy, heals him despite all of the excuses that he makes.

Do you really to get better?

John 5:5-9 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9 At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.”

So, here I am making myself vulnerable to you on Facebook talking about my issues. All of us can relate to this man. We have access to healing and the power of God through faith but it seems like our brokenness gets the best of us sometimes and we can’t find a way to move forward. This has been a hard time for the world and our society. We are being forced to rely on each other in a new way but will we accept the healing invitation?

There is a Proverb found in 14:10 that says, ” Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” I believe this captures suffering and pain. We get so used to a bitter and disappointed heart that we can’t find a way to connect with people in true joy and fellowship. It takes amazing grace and humility to ask for help. To come out of internal war within and to break out into asking for help.

Practical applications:

#1 Don’t make excuses. It is easy to complain and get caught up in our circumstances but God has provided a sufficient grace for us. There is always a way out and usually it happens by asking for help from others. He has given us everything we need for a Godly life( 2 Peter 1).

#2 Ask for help. The smallest of Scriptures with the largest implication is Psalm 12:1, “Help, Lord!” We need God’s help and God uses people. I wrote a Facebook post the other day highlighting all of the people( 50 plus) that have prayed with me and helped me in this hard season that I have been in. I believe the feeling I have of being better in this past week has been related to all of the help and support I have asked for. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for people praying with me and encouraging me.

#3 Take action. Faith without works is dead and we all know this. God is calling us to act on our faith. To pray for those around us. Prayer is action. Prayer is acting on God’s promises and holding God to them. He wants to move in our lives. We need to pick up our excuses and our self-pity and walk. We need to trust that by moving in faith He will break in and deliver!

#4 Don’t compare. It is easy to be like this man and look around at what everyone else is doing. To scroll to much through Facebook and compare ourselves to others and to imagine a story that isn’t in reality. The man by the pool couldn’t see his chance for healing because he was busy watching what everyone else was doing instead of acting in faith himself .

I shared what I did earlier in this article to show you that I have struggled. I am still figuring out how to manage the symptoms of my bipolar and it has not been easy. I often have the thought that I hate it. I hate that I have to spend all of this time and energy getting help from doctor’s and therapists and medications but God has been faithful and has used all of it.

Please reach out for help and act in faith that in voicing your struggle there is hope. I have wrestled with hopelessness and it has not won. I am in a much better place today because of the people that have helped me get up and walk! You can do the same. Reach out and see what God does when you do.

My depression

On January 15, 2020 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

I recently wrote that this has been a hard season of life. I have been dealing with my depression. I have been in a low. Getting out of bed is hard and finding the motivation to go to school and go to work has been equally as hard. I have had so many changes in my medications that I think some of my numbness to enjoying life has been caused by these changes. Medicine has always helped me but really this past year I have been in the hospital 3 different times and each time it has been a major setback. It has cost me money. I have missed work. I am always working harder to get caught up once I am out. It has cost me time. I spend a lot of time in the doctor’s office trying to get myself back to a place of stability. I have had a year of feeling down and especially since the summer this has been true. So, what does a faith believing person like me do with depression.

I hope this finds you well and stirs a deeper conversation that I have been having with myself.

#1 Faith is always tested in hard times. Our faith is our belief in something greater than ourselves. Our belief that God’s truth is greater than our feelings and our circumstances. When I find myself depressed and lacking motivation I feel I am in a test. Will I trust God to pull me through and pull me out of my sadness even. Often the answer is that God will pull me through but not take me out. My faith gets tested in these hard days because so little of me feels God close to me and I wonder where is God in my struggle.

#2 My sense of self-worth. There is a lot of negativity around depression. Negative thoughts and ideas floating around your head but controlling you at the same time. A loud voice is the voice of self-worth. The voice that says, “You aren’t good enough!” And you aren’t really good enough to get out of this depression. These loud voices dominant my mind and take me down a dark path. I know that my worth comes from Christ and there is grace to combat the negative thoughts. I do have power( more than I know) over my mind.

#3 The past can’t be changed. Often the past is the place that I want to change. Past year of hospital visits all could have been avoided if I had just taken my medications and stayed on the structured schedule. My past is over and the best way to move forward is to learn from it. It is easy in depression to live somewhere ‘else’ and that place is a place you shouldn’t stay long. My future is full of hope and even if I have messed up there is grace.

#4 Forgiveness. In depression comes bitterness and bitterness can come from not forgiving. In my sadness I want to blame and hold onto issues with people and find someone to put in the place of blame. God is calling me to lay down those offenses and reconcile. As the Scripture says, “Go and be reconciled first to your brother before you offer your gift to God.”

#5 Community. It is easy to isolate. Proverbs says, ” A man that isolates himself breaks out against all sound judgment.” I want to hide from people and not allow my community of faith to help me. When I was in the hospital last month I had friends from church come and see me in the hospital. It meant a lot to me that people around me care and help me see the light when I am in such a dark place. Having community is crucial to getting better.

I have been struggling with finding joy in the things that I am doing. I have been struggling with getting past these episodes that I have been having. I have been having a hard time falling asleep, showing up to work, waking up, making money, going to doctor visits, taking medications, exc. But all of it is part of the process so I am persevering in the midst of feeling bad.

I hope you can find hope in these words. I have made a commitment to talk about mental health even if I am not feeling great. This is me talking about it.

THE RUCKUS JOURNAL

Author: jareddiehl88