Part of the 60 Days of Poetry…Continued from Spin and Was..
Intro: do I need to say this..Hey, I am back. Because I am gone and back and back and gone all of the time. I love the fact that not everything is to be loved about technology. We all know that is has its weaknesses and bad results can come from it. The rise of cyberbully movies( one called that from ABC Family), has us looking at how traumatized people can be over it. So, use this blog for good, and use your writing for good. Even when you express negativity and criticism it is a good thing if we can learn from it. So, hear me now. I am so busy but not busy enough. Writing has changed you cause at least you can read this, right?
I was just in Chicago a month ago. I love that place and have not been to many times. My cousin got married October 2015 and I was able to make a fun recap video with a tablet. A longer and much funnier story would have to be why I had a flip phone at that time. Thanks Dan for the tablet!
It was 30 dollars to park each night in Chicago in the week that I was there. I guess I don’t go to the downtown often. And the funny thing was on the radio that week someone was saying that Chicago is the most expensive place to park. I wasn’t even in downtown either.
All to say it makes me think that part of life is paying for something that seems unfair. It feels really unfair to give a hotel money and they say its a discount but then to pay just to stay at that kind of rate.
What are you going to do with the extra money? I mean, am I going to save that 30 dollars times 5 and put it somewhere that will have nothing to do with parking?
I am not sure. But what I feel like I am learning is how to be mad about the right stuff. It does matter where money goes. It does matter where it stays. I am not going to worry about parking. I would rather fly everywhere. With a cape. With superhero colors. My cape is being dry cleaned anyway so I am off super hero duty. Try to figure out if I am like that really small meta-human percentage of society and I can actually do something like that.
I am not paying for parking anymore, but I will pay to stay. To stay for the right reasons. To stay here and work it just a little bit more.
You can’t develop and grow without it costing you something. So, here we go. It is time to work.
Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”
I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.
That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.
Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.
I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.
Some things are still the same and everything else is not.
Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.
The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.
I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.
.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.
I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.
Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.
I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.
Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.
You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.
Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.
You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.
You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.
Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.
But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?
Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.
At the turn of 2017 is the ten year anniversary of this blog. 10 years ago I was 21 years old living in Kansas City. Choosing, like a monk, to serve in the Temple. It was Holy and unearned. It was crazy and cult like. It has its criticism, but say whatever you want. I am not where I am if it wasn’t for that place. I press towards a new day. I miss those friends and distance hasn’t changed those memories. Often I am in touch with being a kid. Sometimes it feels immature. It feels like I am not letting go of pain and abuse. And even letting go of the good and the green. I was a spoiled kid living in Fort Collins. Having the mountains as my side yard. I wanted to burn. Burn with passion for something bigger then me. Here is the start of some thoughts on impact and looking back, as far back as you can go…
Cause I am hopped up on
Spent that child hood on
On wearing a hood,
These memories are
Fresh, you got a lot of
Flesh, it was the way it was,
I thought smoke came from flames
It really came from the future,
I thought you were perfect,
Wings and all,
Here and gone,
Suitcases for Christmas,
Can’t dismiss the need to
Leave this town,
I was hopped up on hope,
The son was missed,
We did want you to stay
But I still had some danger,
Everyone gets left,
Everyone gets lost,
Everyone has some flames
To still find.
Just kids was what we did,
Older sister to the rescue,
Telling me to abandon
To hide a little bit longer
Beneath the surface,
I remember Scarface,
I remember Casino,
I remember that kind of life
Could never fit the knife,
Wealth is like a movie,
Credits are gonna roll,
This has no ending,
Hell is like the beginning of
All the endings you get to skip
The flames judge the smoke,
It seems to be a joke,
But I am no superman without
A city to save, a city to slave,
A city to cut, a city in a rut,
A city like we were kids,
Rescue, that was you,
Curfew that was me,
I played it safe for you,
I loved out late,
I held on,
I waited at the gate,
Smoke is my friend
Cause at least I got
Some energy for you
Joy is my mind resting
At night, or peace when
No umbrella to claim,
The end of this is
Where you start,
I waited months to
I am in between,
I am over the sea,
I am smoke, don’t
I want the flame, I want you
To see this, see it burn,
See it up top,
Top of the tree,
Like a star shining
I am ready for the fire,
Its all burning anyway
You could say we all start a lot of things we don’t finish. In the blogging world it has to do with starting what you write and not getting to that finale of pressing publish.
I can’t say that it has been an easy journey. You should see the hundreds and hundreds of notes on Evernote. I just got my computer fixed a few weeks ago. The same Mac that I got three years ago. You would think that writing would just be much easier because this battery can stand not being plugged in, but I can’t.
I am not plugged in. I am a lose wire attached to something that is called the source.
I am telling you now that your life is about to get wild.
I am afraid of people that I know, knowing what is really said on this thing. I am afraid they will find me and corner me and tell me how imperfect I am.
Distance and disappointment go together. The closer you get to something that doesn’t let you down the less likely you are to have distance. However, when people disappoint you and church lets you down, then, the instinct kicks in. The run or stay instinct.
Let us just get real honest here. I am about to turn 31 years old. This blog started almost a decade ago when I was 21. I have spent a lot of time thinking more than I have actually acted on those thoughts. Reading Making Ideas Happen in 2012 helped me understand that creativity feels like a tormented assent to the summit but without organization you will be calling home wanting to come down from that mountain.
I am not sure how to fit in anymore. I am not as attached to getting everyone around me to understand what I have to say. However, I need people. I need perfection. I need the things that every soul needs.
Perfection is the journey. We don’t pursue being perfect. We pursue the one who is perfect. That famous verse: Be perfect, for my Heavenly Father is perfect.
That verse is inserted in the Sermon on the Mount. The ultimate sermon on human behavior. The ultimate climax of colliding with your depravity. The ultimate picture of perfection.
Jesus is the perfection we seek. When people hurt us. When we lose perspective on eternity we lose this pursuit.
Emotional health has been a huge part of the church I go to. It has been a centerpiece in how I have approached my mind, and my relationships.
Perfection is what is in process.
Nephews, people, family, work, traveling, saying goodbye to my best pal Benji( still friends though) and just getting back into editing because this Mac is BACK!
Shine Along should really end: To Be Continued. There will be more to express and more to digress. We are to fight for light. Fearfully and wonderfully made we are. We are all feeling the confusion with the election time. God holds the answers and we are His ambassadors.