Logging On

Started the year with clarity.

This life has been scarcity,

And I still dream of ways to

Die,

Are you good? Do you know

What I think about?

What did you pass down

To me? Was it eyes and

Tragedy, cause I know how 

I see things now.

You used to stay at home,

On your chair like it was 

A throne,

Did you rule the air? 

Cause we felt the fear,

And we never wanted

You here.

Logging in to see if anyone

Cares,

Cause these pictures of us

Keep it safe to say,

We left you and your 

Sway.

When did it start for you,

The days of rage and 

Wanting the stage.

I was at the center of

Your eyes,

And it wasn’t worth

Your attention.

All I wanted was to want

Some kind of get away,

Had to listen to your voice

Still not a choice I choose,

But I can still feel the abuse.

Slayed like man in hunger,

The thirst started when we

Were younger,

Give me more,

Or give me power,

Is your name really 

A high tower?

Cause I am still

Running from the 

Things you did to me.

Time passed

And we passed

The hour glass,

Adults now and

Free to go,

No more of you

In your chair in 

Our home,

Falling down now,

Back to you somehow,

Hunger for more,

Your shoes not

On this floor,

Will we ever stop talking

About the way you were?

And the flames still

Occur,

Can I ever be sure,

Or just burn for the 

Things You say,

Am I the man I was

When I was with you? 

Logging in to see how

The love plays out,

Less has become more

And I am on the floor,

Walking to another day.

The Latest

Lately I’ve been up 

Late,

Thinking of what to say to 

You,

Thought it was gonna last

Long,

Now we don’t belong,

Are you sick of being

Tired cause I don’t

Sleep much without

You here,

Is that what you


Want to hear?

Was it time for you to leave,

You always hated this

City,

Now we are apart

And you want to come

Back?

Is that the latest


On you,

Or do I still not have a clue.

I tried to get it together

For you,

Tried to slim down,

And stay around,

But when I turn to

The side,

I can’t hide,

I see you with 

Every stride.

Are you still up late

Thinking of me,

Why did you get

The move on,

Moved out on 

Your own to

Your own home,

Can you stand me enough

To stay, or is that gonna be

Another day? 

I know the way you move

And how you look when

You sleep next to me

But when I leave

I am still empty,

Is this the latest about

You and me,

Thoughts about you but

Still a little blue,

Are you late to notice,

Late to this and 

Late to us.

Another Night

Won’t be the last night

I try to do right,

Got you as a memory,

Close to me,

Was it love,

Or just your body?

How many months

Are you gonna keep

It like this?

Do you like

Being liked after

Midnight,

Burning the miles

To find a way to

You,

Are you low on

Being alone,

Are you tired of

That home,

Piles of things

You can’t let

Go of,

Things to move

Out of the way,

Why are you

Like this,

Is the night

Soulless,

Do you want

Another night

To get it right?

Will this be the last time

Around,

Or do you like the hollow

Ground? 

I’ve tried to say no,

And a little of the
Let go,

But I can’t let

You know,

I don’t know how to go slow,

I am listless

Over making lists,

Changes and things 

To rearrange,

Or the sound I make

When I stay the same,

The last time I saw you

I was leaving,

And you were

Believing

In all I was 

Saying,

I can’t love you today,

That’s on the shelf,

I can’t sleep next to you

Any day, and anyway

Are you the one,

Or is this done?

This won’t be the last night

That I call you to get it right,

I miss the things you never

Did say,

Now I am a lover but I am 

In the way,

Lost in the sound of 

The hollow ground,

Cause soon enough

You will have had enough

And you will forget that love

For you was on my lips,

If I say you will stay,

And is that what you 

Want, another night

Where its this way?

White Walls

Are you alone when you’re home,

Pacing hallways looking 

For payphones,

Quarters for smokes

Are we home yet?

Is this a little piece of 

Forever,

I can barely see the 

Future,

Are you living in this 

Water, all you do 

Is the work,

Will this really work,

This thing called love.

Are you over this place yet,

Is your bed on the empty

Since I’ve lost my mind,

Are you still lovely 

Without me,

Is this place costly,

Can I leave for free?

Are you still alone 

When you’re home,

You don’t know the 

Phone like I do,

Can I call to know 

Your voice?

This place is running 

On empty,

White walls with white 

Halls and no one knows 

My name,

Who’s to blame?

Can’t explain to you

The pain of wandering

Or the loss with no 

Memory,

Giving pills,

Losing thrills,

Lost your chills,

Where do we go from 

Here,

Are you fear,

Can you be here?

Alone at home,

Without you here,

Away from that place

Where we used to pace.

Follow Up

Following Up

And not showing up,

Is this place safe,

Or are you away?

Falling asleep without

You next to me,

Going backwards

Again and again,

Can’t just be friends,

Can’t just live again!

Did you see the sorrow,

Did you follow up?

Did you grow up with

Greys instead,

Are you sure of the
Love you gave?

Is this safety,

Or did you run from me?

Told you secrets and

Dreams,

Tried for the tied,

But never could win

With you,

Now you are sinking

And falling to,

Did you ever follow up,

Couches orange when

You wanted to show up,

Are we safe now? 

Are you unsure now?

I am drowning down

And night after night

I am asking for your 

Name to reign,

Can you calm the

Storm of sorrow I 

See? 

Did you follow up?

Did you follow to?

Can I just follow through?

How many days have you 

Been through without

You,

I can’t follow up

Or show up like
I used to

Regret Much?

Hey friends, how are you? I can’t even pinpoint when the last time it was that I wrote a post like this. I am alive and I do exist. This blog started in 2007 when I was 21 years old and I was in the peak of ministry time in Kansas City. The blog has not died and I love that I have never taken it down or deleted it. It is similar to videos that I have made and even though a lot of that stuff has been lost some things remain.

I don’t want to be young again but sometimes I want a redo on decisions and choices. I am a follower of the faith. The Christ faith. The word Christian and go to church makes most of you cringe. The pandemic has made many fall away from the faith and by ‘fall away’ I mean stay at home in sweats and watch online..ha ha..just kidding! I am not here to point out what you already know. You know the world has been absolute chaos and 2 years ago we were at the start of a wild time. So, how am I doing now?

I don’t really want to write a long post on me. If you want to catch up on some things listen to the Louder Now Podcast.

I want to surrender. For a couple of years I have attended Celebrate Recovery. We call it Celebrate Life at Humanity Church. I want to press into more of God and more Jesus flowing in my life. I have had many reasons to walk away from the faith. All the reasons have to do with mental ilnness but I haven’t. I want to give it all. What keeps me up at night is this burning desire. A desire to live wholeheartedly. A desire to not waste time. A desire to make an impact. A desire for greatness!

Do you do this to? Have you stopped or tuned out these thoughts? Are we now at a place where the desperations of the past that we could call hunger has faded. It has faded because no one can be trusted. No leader. No system. No freedom. No one can be trusted. What is true and who do we follow?

I don’t want to regret much but I do. I can’t change the past and I can’t unstuck myself at times. I am weighed down with the grief of certain choices as it reflects in my last poem Clear Land.

Love is the cure and living in total surrender is how we fight the regret. Time is your greatest commodity. Use it wisely. However, the fear of being perfect is also an illusion. It is not about making perfect choices. It is about reaching towards the one who is perfect and letting Him lead you. Have you faded away? Have you stopped showing up? Do you regret saying no more than saying yes! There is hope. I urge you and myself. Surrender. 100 percent. Surrender.

Lying Still

Lying still,

Are you still?

This had to come to

An end,

Are you still my friend?

Are we fading into each other?

What about my future?

Am I insane cause I keep

Doing the same old things,

Making your phone ring,

Lip syncing when you

Sing,

Are you out and staying out?

Is your hair getting there,

Is it gray?

Is this fall,

And are you tall,

Or nowhere at all? 

I am lying still and I can feel,

Something that used to fade,

Something that will be made.

Am I Joy when you call?

Why do you keep asking

If I am happy?

Are you the same,

Or have you changed?

I scroll down,

Are you in town,

Is this a thing all over again,

When you get done with it,

Are you having a fit,

Or do you want to skip

This closeness,

Things were bigger

When they weren’t better,

Now I am a little bitter,

And we should skip over

October, cause that’s when

You were here to stay,

I lye down here,

Same places you were to,

I got a flame and it is not 

Tame.

I If lye down, still

What will you do,

Where will you be,

Will you be thinking 

Of Me?

Safe and Sound

Reflections on things of the past.

Is this safe, or is this sound,

You are the one that still hangs

Around,

Am I somber,

Or am I bound.


Cause it’s been a long while since

I have had the courage to say what I am feeling,

Or for you to see what I am thinking.


I know you know my name,

And all the time it took to Claim,


Did you fill in the blanks,

Did you check off the boxes,

Did you fall asleep for much to

Long.


Its been a year, I mean, pretty much, I looked and I cheated

I prayed and I pleaded

Why did it crumble so Easily.


From the start it was a false

From the beginning it was an ending.

Why did you go down so easily,

So far away it seems to be, It wasn’t safe,

It wasn’t sound.


I had guns in my head, I had that song stuck so suddenly,

I had voices on the airwaves,

I had the podcast,

I tried to make it last

But you had other things to See, other things to say,

I knew always, I was in the way.


You were the one I wanted,

But the one I needed, Look into me, Look far from me,

We had to fall apart eventually


Safe, but not sound

Still writing something

Still getting over it

Still finding safety in it.

Halls

I went to the hospital for my mental health. I was there 7 days. This is my reflection.

If these halls had hills they would be high too,

I’ve been climbing, trying to find You.

This place is carved out for me,

Full of faces, full of all I see.

I see faces that used to smile,

That made life worthwhile.

Now, I see torn and bruised.

Bruised like bad fruit. Used to

Be sweet but not so much anymore.

I see myself fading into the hall,

Pacing after all,

Hungry for change but thirsty for

Water.

After all, this has to do with my father.

I see him in a wheelchair,

Shouting smoke break is now

And making sounds like a cow

And telling me to look down when nothing

Is around. I see the jokes flying but very little

On the smiling,

I see the halls and they feel like hills

Because we lost our right to have the

Thrills.

This is now and this is my life.

Pass the meds and things will be alright.

Can I go down and dig a little deeper? The lows are low

And the highs are high and why do I find myself closer to the

Floor, asking for more, on my knees crying out for saving!

Everything is a hallway and I see the doors

Which way is enter and which way to exit

When do I leave this place and when do I exit

From grace. The answer may be never but I go

Anyway in stormy weather. This is me. This is my life.