Category: ADDICTION

The Air

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, Kingdom Of God, LOVE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Trying to get it right

Late at night,

When you’re

Gone it all 

Goes wrong,

You got the

Cure but no 

One here is

Sure.

I feel it here,

Days until 

You disappear.

Is it the medicine

Or the thoughts

I think,

It’s the heart,

And its about

To sink.

You threw those

Words around,

No one knew

You stayed 

Close to the

Ground,

When I am gone,

Do you want me

Around?

You know its

Over but you 

Still want me

To come over.

Nothing I do 

Lasts,

And that sadness

I can’t get past.

Souls are coming

Around,

But few are

Really found,

Should have gave

You everything

When I was young.

Stayed up late,

Praying against

Hate but love

Wasn’t around,

Cause you left,

And there wasn’t

Anything left.

Are you up in the sky,

Or in the air,

Are you good,

Or is this just

Despair.

I needed a Father,

Now I worry 

About the future.

Nothing is right

Late at night,

No more departures

Or red eyed flights,

Or bags packed

Like there’s no 

One to love.

Nothing is true

About you

In the air,

You’re King,

And I need

You here.

Late Nights

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHURCH, Community, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Its a late night

And another

Fight,

All those years

Catching the 

Next flight,

I don’t hear 

From you,

Where is 

Here to you.

I don’t run,

I walk,

You’ve been

Gone,

And its 

Lasting long.

You want to fall

But not to hard,

You want to talk

But barely at all.

Saw you since a kid,

Reading and rehearsing

All the words in red.

Had some faithful days of

Showing up,

No one talked

About growing up.

It’s another late night

Of not getting it right.

Noise and colors on

Screens,

Am I a blind man,

Forgot about the

Unseen,

Do you still move,

Cause I want to 

Move,

Are things looking up,

Or when will I grow up?

Late nights,

Past flights,

Wings and

Wind and we 

All want you to

Change things

Again.

I started but I

Am not sure

How its gonna

End.

Surrender

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, Kingdom Of God, LOVE, MIND AND BRAIN, Relationships, RELIGIONLeave a comment

Forgetting to remember 

How to surrender,

Counting til November 

When life is older,

Wanna go further 

But I can’t stay sober.

Falling asleep to 

Falling in my dreams.

Trying to find you in the 

Wind, 

Forgot what its like

To win.

Everything keeps blowing

As everyone keeps going,

Can’t let anyone know,

That you want to be

Known.

Older but still afraid.

This bed is never made,

Lost in the shade,

Underneath your 

Wrath,

Can’t get past the
Past.

Bloodstains close

To the floor,

Notes about

Departure 

Close to the 

Door.

I’ve gotten you

All wrong,

No one here

Wants to

Last long.

You had nothing to offer

But money to offer 

As an offering,

We always showed

Up but we never

Learned how to 

Grow up.

The pulpit is the culprit

And anything you say

Goes.

You wanna know what my 

Heart is about,

But inside it is a 

Drought.

I am listless over

Making lists

About the changes

You never made.

I used to have fire 

Way back then,

Now we keep going 

Back to those days 

Called then,

You don’t want

Those good times 

To end but

All your friends

Have friends

And being alone

Never ends.

I can’t let it go 

All those things you 

Did in the snow.

Love wasn’t felt,

The water would 

Melt,

Is your name a

River,

Cause you are the 

Giver,

And no one here

Knows Your 

Future.

Calling it out,

All the times

We doubt,

Heart is a little

Broken,

And that is

Certain.

Used to have fire,

Now we get coffee

And talk about

Desire.

You moved away,

But you never

Got away from

All the thoughts

I think about you,

We let you stay 

Around for free,

But your anger

Was a tragedy.

Still talking like a kid,

All those things you 

Said but never did.

Still losing the thrills

Cause I keep taking

Your pills,

Will try to remember

What it will be like

To surrender,

This land is your 

Land.

I know about love

But I forget about
Mercy.

If I forget the past,

I trust You will 

Make this life last.

Dry Land

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, Dad, FAMILY, LOVE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Don’t pretend like you know

What this heart is about,

Inside it’s a drought,

It’s still raining out,

Time is moving 

Along,

Inside it’s all

Gone wrong.

Falling asleep to 

Falling and

In my dreams

I find some relief.

Spending my days

Driving in a haze,

Working to make

The money,

But inside of me

Is poverty.

Still talking about being a kid,

Like all those times you didn’t

Do those things you said

And you pressed down

On me instead,

You didn’t have anything 

Special to offer me,

We just took that 

Money for the 

Offering,

We did the 

Sunday show up,

But inside we

Didn’t grow 

Up.

Can’t walk it back,

All those nights of

Talking back to

You, you still 

Call like nothing

Has changed,

And we are all

The same.

Everyone around here

Keeps talking about love,

But no one mentions

Mercy,

I can’t follow You until

I am thirsty.

I used to have some fire,
Now all we do is

Talk about desire,

And can you do

That rewire thing

To my brain.

I am falling down,

And its going around,

Some lost don’t
Want to be found,

And your voice is 

Here while you

Aren’t around.

Outside has some 

Color,

But try to understand,

Inside of me is 

A dry land.

I used to have some

Hunger,

Now we keep talking

About how it’s over,

And I am going over

All the things I never

Knew how to say to you,

I think it’s to late

To start this again.

I think I stopped on

That step about

Making amends.

I want to be a grown up,

But how do you make

The past burn up?

Who out here has the 

Plan for how to be a man? 

Don’t pretend like you

Know the rain,

Inside the tales 

Are all the same,

Try to understand,

This heart is a

Dry land.

Falling Down

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, Dad, LOVE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Falling down,

Bowing down,

Walking but

Not on the 

Ground,

We let you stay here

For free,

Now you want a 

Today with me,

All for some

Sympathy,

But you never 

Changed,

You never

Explained.

Were we poor 

When we 

Wanted more,

Or were you gonna

Change everything?

Bowing down,

But not to you,

There was a cost

To the times you 

Stayed,

We knew the 

Word,

Trust for the 

Slayed.

You roamed around,

Like a lion on the

Ground,

Never wanted you around,

I look down when I walk

Around,

The cost of you 

Has caught up 

With me,

I got nothing,

Not even sympathy,

I was trapped inside

With you,

You are gone

And its been long,

Now I am trying to

Be a man and 

You never had

The plan,

Can’t let you know,

I have to let you go.

Logging On

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, Dad, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Started the year with clarity.

This life has been scarcity,

And I still dream of ways to

Die,

Are you good? Do you know

What I think about?

What did you pass down

To me? Was it eyes and

Tragedy, cause I know how 

I see things now.

You used to stay at home,

On your chair like it was 

A throne,

Did you rule the air? 

Cause we felt the fear,

And we never wanted

You here.

Logging in to see if anyone

Cares,

Cause these pictures of us

Keep it safe to say,

We left you and your 

Sway.

When did it start for you,

The days of rage and 

Wanting the stage.

I was at the center of

Your eyes,

And it wasn’t worth

Your attention.

All I wanted was to want

Some kind of get away,

Had to listen to your voice

Still not a choice I choose,

But I can still feel the abuse.

Slayed like man in hunger,

The thirst started when we

Were younger,

Give me more,

Or give me power,

Is your name really 

A high tower?

Cause I am still

Running from the 

Things you did to me.

Time passed

And we passed

The hour glass,

Adults now and

Free to go,

No more of you

In your chair in 

Our home,

Falling down now,

Back to you somehow,

Hunger for more,

Your shoes not

On this floor,

Will we ever stop talking

About the way you were?

And the flames still

Occur,

Can I ever be sure,

Or just burn for the 

Things You say,

Am I the man I was

When I was with you? 

Logging in to see how

The love plays out,

Less has become more

And I am on the floor,

Walking to another day.

Another Night

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, DAILY LIFE, LOVE, MIND AND BRAIN, RelationshipsLeave a comment

Won’t be the last night

I try to do right,

Got you as a memory,

Close to me,

Was it love,

Or just your body?

How many months

Are you gonna keep

It like this?

Do you like

Being liked after

Midnight,

Burning the miles

To find a way to

You,

Are you low on

Being alone,

Are you tired of

That home,

Piles of things

You can’t let

Go of,

Things to move

Out of the way,

Why are you

Like this,

Is the night

Soulless,

Do you want

Another night

To get it right?

Will this be the last time

Around,

Or do you like the hollow

Ground? 

I’ve tried to say no,

And a little of the
Let go,

But I can’t let

You know,

I don’t know how to go slow,

I am listless

Over making lists,

Changes and things 

To rearrange,

Or the sound I make

When I stay the same,

The last time I saw you

I was leaving,

And you were

Believing

In all I was 

Saying,

I can’t love you today,

That’s on the shelf,

I can’t sleep next to you

Any day, and anyway

Are you the one,

Or is this done?

This won’t be the last night

That I call you to get it right,

I miss the things you never

Did say,

Now I am a lover but I am 

In the way,

Lost in the sound of 

The hollow ground,

Cause soon enough

You will have had enough

And you will forget that love

For you was on my lips,

If I say you will stay,

And is that what you 

Want, another night

Where its this way?

White Walls

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, Eternity, Jesus, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Are you alone when you’re home,

Pacing hallways looking 

For payphones,

Quarters for smokes

Are we home yet?

Is this a little piece of 

Forever,

I can barely see the 

Future,

Are you living in this 

Water, all you do 

Is the work,

Will this really work,

This thing called love.

Are you over this place yet,

Is your bed on the empty

Since I’ve lost my mind,

Are you still lovely 

Without me,

Is this place costly,

Can I leave for free?

Are you still alone 

When you’re home,

You don’t know the 

Phone like I do,

Can I call to know 

Your voice?

This place is running 

On empty,

White walls with white 

Halls and no one knows 

My name,

Who’s to blame?

Can’t explain to you

The pain of wandering

Or the loss with no 

Memory,

Giving pills,

Losing thrills,

Lost your chills,

Where do we go from 

Here,

Are you fear,

Can you be here?

Alone at home,

Without you here,

Away from that place

Where we used to pace.

Follow Up

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, Community, Culture, LOVE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Following Up

And not showing up,

Is this place safe,

Or are you away?

Falling asleep without

You next to me,

Going backwards

Again and again,

Can’t just be friends,

Can’t just live again!

Did you see the sorrow,

Did you follow up?

Did you grow up with

Greys instead,

Are you sure of the
Love you gave?

Is this safety,

Or did you run from me?

Told you secrets and

Dreams,

Tried for the tied,

But never could win

With you,

Now you are sinking

And falling to,

Did you ever follow up,

Couches orange when

You wanted to show up,

Are we safe now? 

Are you unsure now?

I am drowning down

And night after night

I am asking for your 

Name to reign,

Can you calm the

Storm of sorrow I 

See? 

Did you follow up?

Did you follow to?

Can I just follow through?

How many days have you 

Been through without

You,

I can’t follow up

Or show up like
I used to

Regret Much?

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Hey friends, how are you? I can’t even pinpoint when the last time it was that I wrote a post like this. I am alive and I do exist. This blog started in 2007 when I was 21 years old and I was in the peak of ministry time in Kansas City. The blog has not died and I love that I have never taken it down or deleted it. It is similar to videos that I have made and even though a lot of that stuff has been lost some things remain.

I don’t want to be young again but sometimes I want a redo on decisions and choices. I am a follower of the faith. The Christ faith. The word Christian and go to church makes most of you cringe. The pandemic has made many fall away from the faith and by ‘fall away’ I mean stay at home in sweats and watch online..ha ha..just kidding! I am not here to point out what you already know. You know the world has been absolute chaos and 2 years ago we were at the start of a wild time. So, how am I doing now?

I don’t really want to write a long post on me. If you want to catch up on some things listen to the Louder Now Podcast.

I want to surrender. For a couple of years I have attended Celebrate Recovery. We call it Celebrate Life at Humanity Church. I want to press into more of God and more Jesus flowing in my life. I have had many reasons to walk away from the faith. All the reasons have to do with mental ilnness but I haven’t. I want to give it all. What keeps me up at night is this burning desire. A desire to live wholeheartedly. A desire to not waste time. A desire to make an impact. A desire for greatness!

Do you do this to? Have you stopped or tuned out these thoughts? Are we now at a place where the desperations of the past that we could call hunger has faded. It has faded because no one can be trusted. No leader. No system. No freedom. No one can be trusted. What is true and who do we follow?

I don’t want to regret much but I do. I can’t change the past and I can’t unstuck myself at times. I am weighed down with the grief of certain choices as it reflects in my last poem Clear Land.

Love is the cure and living in total surrender is how we fight the regret. Time is your greatest commodity. Use it wisely. However, the fear of being perfect is also an illusion. It is not about making perfect choices. It is about reaching towards the one who is perfect and letting Him lead you. Have you faded away? Have you stopped showing up? Do you regret saying no more than saying yes! There is hope. I urge you and myself. Surrender. 100 percent. Surrender.