You

Another late night,

Another late fight,

Another chance to 

Get it right,

On the next flight

Can’t talk tonight,

Trying to get you 

Out of sight,

Using my mind like

Its all my might,

But you keep spinning

When I am not looking,

Another way out of this,

Another time to shred

The papers I write about

You, 

Its summer and its magic

Is lost on me,

I got you as a memory,

Can’t get away from 

Your body,

Now I am sorrow,

And I lost the mystery.

Another day and another

Time is what the prideful

Say,

I am lost in the sway,

Under the world in 

My own way,

I am trying to forget

Your eyes,

Magic in the

Midnight fights,

Mystery for

The red eyed

Flights,

Cause I am a runner,

And a little lost

At sea,

Another yesterday I would 

Have looked at you,

Straight in the eyes,

Told you no lies,

Now I can’t 

Change,

Can’t get you right,

Can’t get off this flight,

Cause no one can

Run forever,

Are you home when

You are on the phone,

Are you lost in being 

Alone,

Do you love debt

Like me,

Cause I am spending

It all on you,

I am lost like you,

And its no easy

Regret to unwind,

All I have is time,

Time to live,

Time to die,

Time to lie

And that is

Truth,

Another late night,

Hungover on yesterday,

Cause shame follows me

And I can’t claim any great

Mystery,

Another late night

Where I sit with myself,

And I just can’t

Stop thinking of 

You,

Is this love,

Or am I just 

Addicted to you.

Tell you Something (Part 2)

Love is your commodity,

Finding your body,

A hobby,

Now time has left me,

It has gone by,

I have reasons why,

Why I can’t love

Even just better,

Or not at all?

I got jobs without love

And money is the root

Of me,

I am a sinking man

Without a plan,

How do I say no 

To you again,

And again,

Listless over making

Lists and I can’t get 

You to stay,

Love is my commodity,

Lusting you like a hobby,

Trying to get sober,

But just getting older,

I’ve loved the voices you

Make,

I just know your gonna

Break and that’s my

Mistake,

I am not the one for you,

I am just the right now

That you got going before

You get going,

I am trying to move along,

Grow and get a life that 

Last long and this thing

We have is not the 

Future I want anyway,

Commodities,

Anyway,

Time is the give away,

And that has been lost to.

Regret Much?

Hey friends, how are you? I can’t even pinpoint when the last time it was that I wrote a post like this. I am alive and I do exist. This blog started in 2007 when I was 21 years old and I was in the peak of ministry time in Kansas City. The blog has not died and I love that I have never taken it down or deleted it. It is similar to videos that I have made and even though a lot of that stuff has been lost some things remain.

I don’t want to be young again but sometimes I want a redo on decisions and choices. I am a follower of the faith. The Christ faith. The word Christian and go to church makes most of you cringe. The pandemic has made many fall away from the faith and by ‘fall away’ I mean stay at home in sweats and watch online..ha ha..just kidding! I am not here to point out what you already know. You know the world has been absolute chaos and 2 years ago we were at the start of a wild time. So, how am I doing now?

I don’t really want to write a long post on me. If you want to catch up on some things listen to the Louder Now Podcast.

I want to surrender. For a couple of years I have attended Celebrate Recovery. We call it Celebrate Life at Humanity Church. I want to press into more of God and more Jesus flowing in my life. I have had many reasons to walk away from the faith. All the reasons have to do with mental ilnness but I haven’t. I want to give it all. What keeps me up at night is this burning desire. A desire to live wholeheartedly. A desire to not waste time. A desire to make an impact. A desire for greatness!

Do you do this to? Have you stopped or tuned out these thoughts? Are we now at a place where the desperations of the past that we could call hunger has faded. It has faded because no one can be trusted. No leader. No system. No freedom. No one can be trusted. What is true and who do we follow?

I don’t want to regret much but I do. I can’t change the past and I can’t unstuck myself at times. I am weighed down with the grief of certain choices as it reflects in my last poem Clear Land.

Love is the cure and living in total surrender is how we fight the regret. Time is your greatest commodity. Use it wisely. However, the fear of being perfect is also an illusion. It is not about making perfect choices. It is about reaching towards the one who is perfect and letting Him lead you. Have you faded away? Have you stopped showing up? Do you regret saying no more than saying yes! There is hope. I urge you and myself. Surrender. 100 percent. Surrender.

Lying Still

Lying still,

Are you still?

This had to come to

An end,

Are you still my friend?

Are we fading into each other?

What about my future?

Am I insane cause I keep

Doing the same old things,

Making your phone ring,

Lip syncing when you

Sing,

Are you out and staying out?

Is your hair getting there,

Is it gray?

Is this fall,

And are you tall,

Or nowhere at all? 

I am lying still and I can feel,

Something that used to fade,

Something that will be made.

Am I Joy when you call?

Why do you keep asking

If I am happy?

Are you the same,

Or have you changed?

I scroll down,

Are you in town,

Is this a thing all over again,

When you get done with it,

Are you having a fit,

Or do you want to skip

This closeness,

Things were bigger

When they weren’t better,

Now I am a little bitter,

And we should skip over

October, cause that’s when

You were here to stay,

I lye down here,

Same places you were to,

I got a flame and it is not 

Tame.

I If lye down, still

What will you do,

Where will you be,

Will you be thinking 

Of Me?

Safe and Sound

Reflections on things of the past.

Is this safe, or is this sound,

You are the one that still hangs

Around,

Am I somber,

Or am I bound.


Cause it’s been a long while since

I have had the courage to say what I am feeling,

Or for you to see what I am thinking.


I know you know my name,

And all the time it took to Claim,


Did you fill in the blanks,

Did you check off the boxes,

Did you fall asleep for much to

Long.


Its been a year, I mean, pretty much, I looked and I cheated

I prayed and I pleaded

Why did it crumble so Easily.


From the start it was a false

From the beginning it was an ending.

Why did you go down so easily,

So far away it seems to be, It wasn’t safe,

It wasn’t sound.


I had guns in my head, I had that song stuck so suddenly,

I had voices on the airwaves,

I had the podcast,

I tried to make it last

But you had other things to See, other things to say,

I knew always, I was in the way.


You were the one I wanted,

But the one I needed, Look into me, Look far from me,

We had to fall apart eventually


Safe, but not sound

Still writing something

Still getting over it

Still finding safety in it.

Halls

I went to the hospital for my mental health. I was there 7 days. This is my reflection.

If these halls had hills they would be high too,

I’ve been climbing, trying to find You.

This place is carved out for me,

Full of faces, full of all I see.

I see faces that used to smile,

That made life worthwhile.

Now, I see torn and bruised.

Bruised like bad fruit. Used to

Be sweet but not so much anymore.

I see myself fading into the hall,

Pacing after all,

Hungry for change but thirsty for

Water.

After all, this has to do with my father.

I see him in a wheelchair,

Shouting smoke break is now

And making sounds like a cow

And telling me to look down when nothing

Is around. I see the jokes flying but very little

On the smiling,

I see the halls and they feel like hills

Because we lost our right to have the

Thrills.

This is now and this is my life.

Pass the meds and things will be alright.

Can I go down and dig a little deeper? The lows are low

And the highs are high and why do I find myself closer to the

Floor, asking for more, on my knees crying out for saving!

Everything is a hallway and I see the doors

Which way is enter and which way to exit

When do I leave this place and when do I exit

From grace. The answer may be never but I go

Anyway in stormy weather. This is me. This is my life.

Born Again

I wrote this earlier in the week..This is who I am,I’ve been born again,Born into it with pain and suffering

And without a choice I chose this

Without You.You make new paths for me

You make new ways for me

Coming out of the darkness and into the light.Doing all I can to live this right. Seeking you in the night.I have a great inheritance

One where you make this home

One where love is the place I’m known.I have a permanent place to dwell One where you know me well and Seek me first

And make me thirst,You create the hunger

You create the desire

This is who I am

I’ve been born again

I was born into pain

Like I didn’t have a choice

Like You paved a way for me

To come and be known

Like you made me a home and

You call me your own.This is who I am

I’ve been born again.

Waiting

Coming out of the fog of depression and into the light. Here’s a reflection.
Waiting
Waiting on You,
Making it all about the things
You do.
You work and own all of my history
Where would I be without Your mystery.
For Your Gospel has made You at the center
For You speak and break chains
And chains have been following me
Bound and not free.
I am waiting on You,
Waiting on You for change
This house needs a rearrange,
For I am still waiting on You to move
Things around,
I am waiting on You to change this town.
I am waiting on You to answer my cry,
For these days I have a lot of why.
I feel desperate for change,
Desperate for something to shift
Desperate for this fog to lift.
For all I’ve known has been depression
For all that is there it feels like oppression.
There’s pain and sorrow in the wake of each day
There’s this feeling that this is never going to go away.
It disappears slowly and surely
Where did hope go and has it gone so slow.
Come with Joy and come with it fast
You hold life eternal all that will last.
Do I know you now as God provider
Do I follow You as God the Father?
Am I hidden with You in that You do
Cause I am waiting for change and
Waiting for words written to live inside
Of me.
What is the cost of waiting on You
What have You done for me
The cloud is a thing that makes me
To barely see,
The dark is close and yet I feel it fading
Away.
I am waiting for Your light to make way
And for this life to live another day
A day without sorrow and the pain
Of depression, but days where hope
Is all I am waiting for and all I am
Living for

Seeking and Searching

I have been using this time to reflect on my journey of mental health and how faithful God has been in the process. God has truly been the source of all the hard questions I have asked over the years. It hasn’t been easy dealing with depression and bipolar. It has forced me to trust God in a deeper way.
This is called Seeking and Searching.
Seeking and searching
You call me into the deep things
Into the unknown,
Out of my comfort zone.
I have been searching and seeking for
a place You call home,
A place where I feel I am known.
You give grace and mercy when I
least expect it and shine light where
I would reject it.
You fix this broken heart
And call me afresh to a new start
This day You have called me forth
To a new search, to a new way of
Living as the church.
You call me into the deep things
And ask of me to sing new songs.
I used to be quiet about the struggle
About the diagnosis,
About the way this disease has effected
Me,
It feels as though it has not stayed hidden
For I have searched and I seek to find some
Rest,
For it has been my greatest test.
My faith has been a war within,
Are you healer, are you strong,
Are you the depth that will last long?
I seek and search for You in this time of
Testing, in this time of crisis, in this time
Of needing more than just words to be
True but a life of power that comes only
From walking with You.
You have become an all consuming fire
A birth to a new desire,
It has come from seeking,
It has come from searching
I am loud now,
Loud about the pain that follows me
Loud about the hopelessness that I have
Faced,
Loud about finding You in the secret place
Loud about hope that comes from You
Loud about spending all my time trying to
Search and seek and make it all about You.
I search and seek,
And choose You this day