Fast

Birthday was 11-13. Reflections.

Life is moving fast,
I stopped flying on your pass.
I got tired of risking it.
I got tired of missing it.
Life has all been on the mobile,
Moving slower than quickly,
Moving faster than that decade
We called influence.
I read that always wasn’t necessary,
That I was low on my library.
Cause all I had was knowledge,
All I knew was knowing.
Life has kept up this pace.
Fast has been the secret place.
Been running low on space,
Got to many pictures
To hold onto.
Got to many memories
Of You.
Fast and loving at the same
Time,
Hard and true with a little bit
Of kind.
I was a little high on the addiction.
I was a little confused by the tension.
How could You really be in control,
How could You really let me live
This slow?
It has only been mobile,
Life in the solo.
It has all been a fast paced
Memory.
It was always about those
Memories You used to keep.
All about those histories
We would someday read.
I was never to great at sitting still.
It was much better to find the thrill.
I needed Your grace, it could never
Be affordable.
I needed Your love, it has to be
Portable.
I need Your truth, it has to cost
Something.
I needed some proof, it can’t
Be everything.

60 Days: New Years Haven

8.28.
NYC,
Fighting over.
New Years haven,
New was next.
Had you for the best.
I can’t relax,
Cause you got the goods for
Me to see.
I was choosing purity.
I was skipping tragedy.
I was up late for the wrong
Reasons, journal had to die in
Those seasons.
Now I am up high.
I left you feeling dry.
When did school start?
When did you get that false
Start?
When did you start getting all
Wearing some glasses now?
Cause I spent to much time
Studying.
Now I am NYC,
Its fast and moving.
Smells of pain and sorrow.
Feels like Ray had more pizza
To borrow, I got ya now.
Where’s tomorrow?
Don’t tell me now how
Many more times you got to
Head home,
Cause I miss it to.
I miss it with You.
I miss Seattle.
I miss rain and kettle,
Tea and the sea with you.
Feels like it won’t drift.
This spin is just a first draft.

60 Days: Sunday Nights

I had a lot of Saturdays without you,
I had a lot of free Sundays,
I wanted to face that place,
I wanted to return there.
I didn’t want to worship
Anymore. I didn’t want these
Arms open anymore.
I didn’t want you to see me
Here. It started there. It was
Over there.
I woke up thinking different.
Thinking Friday nights in the
O.C. Thinking magic by the sea.
I bought those white shoes.
I thought I was normal for
Those to stay clean.
So Sunday was never the same.
Ryan told me of worship and
Suffering was the message,
Suffering was the massage.
No one knows how to rest in this place.
You let me nap on that couch.
You let me stay up late.
You let me in.
Your house was like a hotel.
I’ve seen to many of those
Lately.
I needed you more.
I needed the top floor.
I was thinking she was gonna
Call back and call again, but
I couldn’t do that,
That had to come to an end.
I was wild again. I felt the free again.
Just for a little Sunday night.
I saw those movies with a new
Vision. I saw her move west and
Put fear to the test.
I related like Batman would.
I had a dad issue to.
I had a new kind of view to
Look to.
I had an instagram
I had to delete those pics
Of you,
I had to press new on everything.
I had that drive home.
I had that smog filled sunset.
I had the eclipse to look to.
So, where you gonna go?
Anywhere but here.

Part 1

I have come to this place.

Like I was without volition,

Or any ambition.

I was the one that heard it from you first.

I did all that I could to try and listen.

You were just a beautiful kind of vision.

I said I would start working out for you,

I would start running for you.

Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?

So now I am in the volition,

I am on a day off still in ambition.

I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard

But it was because of the way I was raised.

I was raised for you to see,

All the shining parts of me.

I am in it now,

Waiting for this part to stay the stage,

To never wonder the next page,

I am the risk, and the wonder.

I am raised this way,

Raised in thunder and raised in rain…

Day 5

Cause I can’t do daily,

I can’t do every,

I got the day and it is fading away.

I once lost You, I lost you in the busy,

I lost the sense of never being ready.

I can’t do daily now that it is passing.

I can only live like it is not.

Cause you blew those candles out,

You let us know what wishes to

Let out.

Cause I’ve needed you to stay close,

I’ve needed you to let me in,

To let me love you again.

I can’t do daily,

I can only do the insane things,

The crazy and wild commands that

You bring.

I can do those,

I can do those things daily.

I thought I could pause on

Daily, but forward is the way

You raised me.

We sat and waited up for you,

For you to never leave again.

We were the one’s that built what

You left behind,

We were the one’s that are catching up now.

The world was never ready for us,

It should have been,

Cause we spent to much

Time, daily time,

Being afraid of what would be

Next,

Now daily plays the new tune,

Daily sets the new mood,

Daily is the reason for a

New altitude.

Daily is the does I need,

Different from the raised

Soul I would be.

Day 3

Canceling debt,
And the regret,
All the things you could
Never set,
It wasn’t set,
It wasn’t the course,
Dinner was its own machine,
Night time was its own
Laundry clean,
Its own hour of lean,
So was the gym,
The basement downstairs,
The escape,
The noise of the stairs,
The sitting, and the waiting,
I wish I could start over,
And pull you closer,
Let you know now,
How hard living easy
Has become?
How to much rest has
Made me numb?
How movies are the greater
Of disease,
Cause fantasy has overplayed
Me, over saved me,
Overturned me,
Now I have debt,
And you took that too,
Now I owe you but I can’t
Cause I too am
Regret,
 I am the rest I never took,
I blame me now for never
Asking,
How hard will it get when you leave?
When you disappear, and never
Come back?
How hard will marriage taste,
Or maybe not anything at all,
Or maybe single, like the fall,
Like the rest, like the debt that
You can’t now collect,
I am still in debt,
I owe you all,
You raised me after all,
Can’t pay it back,
Can’t take it back,
Can only remember
To never let it happen
Again.

65

Two years ago this idea came about. As I move toward the spring. I write a lot at this time of the year. I feel like I have had this pattern of hiding and not writing a lot in the fall season and winter. It is California people. It is already Spring. Here’s the reflection.

New not found anywhere else
65 down,
65 to go,
65 years of going slow,
Slow at healing,
Slow at peeling,
Slowly never not yelling,
Faster you went at making a dent,
Poverty was just paying rent,
White walls covered the rest,
I had You, like a treasured chest,
Now I am in the meadows,
Now I am in the open,
65 more years with you?
Not sure what I will do,
Not sure where I will live,
Can I lay down the noise?
The first part was about you,
Now it is about me,
I am to cluttered upstairs
To see,
65 years you have to me,
65 of letting them go,
65 dollars you paid me,
Paid me to copy your
Voice onto the cd,
Now it is done,
Stills spins,
Still sits as another thing
I spent,
To get rid of something
You can’t pay to fade away,
Those memories,
They costed a lot,
They to are with me
Still