Saga/ West/ Wild


Crave adventure, don’t you?

Moved away, didn’t you?

Palo Alto, is that so?

Left in the snow, is that truth?

Are you cold, are you solo,

Are you a no go?

Dear, someone,

Is what I needed to say,

Are you the one that got away,

Are you the saga we were starting,

And the steady sound of beginning.

Am I hidden, hidden in Christ, with words

You call thrice,

And three days it took for You to raise up!

Crave adventure..

I thought so..

Left for Palo Alto,

Now I really know.

You were the one on the long list,

The long list of those I met in the West.

It was here, it was wind, it was like you

Were blown away from the end.

Crave tomorrow…

Yes, I thought so, how did you know?

This had to be wild or not true,

Because now you got a mountain view,

And lions to catch and chase, and sun that you won’t miss…

I blow you a kiss,

And keep it on that beach,

Where you were in some reach,

And far from the breach.

It was wild, it was the west that you won,

And north is fun and further from the truth.

You need this saga as proof.

Are in the middle of a longer story,

Or are you the one that ends with it here?

There is trembling, there is fear, this is something

Waiting for next time…

I, Too * 12 Hours Later..

January 30th from 12pm to 12am. 12 hours of reflection.
Building something,
Something from the start of today,
Waking up and running as fast as I can,
3 miles and counting.
Calling mom on updates and
Such, asking for revelation,
Then it comes to me,
All the great things came in the
Waiting, in the stillness, in the
Wilderness, in the suffering,
In the greatness of what we have
Been looking for all along.
Yes, I too, have suffered,
And suffered recently.
Been up all night wondering
About the fight and the fists and
The things that are called future.
Yet, this is the invitation,
I am not sold or solid,
Not shaken either,
But moved around and tossed
To and fro,
Asking You: how does one grow?
He says wait for the lights and ask
Not for the blinders,
My eyes did wander
And look a little to long,
Starbucks, again, I thought
You were over that flavor,
But to the corner of that place
Was someone standing out of place.
The looked as if they have been to
The blue car before,
They asked for more,
Yes, I too give in to seduction.
I ran away and walked along the way,
I filmed and captured my self by the
Sea and the tilt of the lights that spin
Before night,
I, too, lose the dusk,
So fast and quick it does go..
I drove and drove and yet those
City lights were on my left and
You voice was the loudest of them
Are we talking the same,
Are you the same?
Are we the same struggle?
Home came late and so did that text,
It invited me in and crunched the numbers,
This will cost just like the last time, and
The tenth time before that.
I want love and the last long,
And the love that lasts long,
But, I, too want the bed you made,
And the mess you make,
And the mistake that came with
Saying go instead of no!
I, too, am up late,
Because the day torments me too,
It calls me too, it calls for change,
A serious rearrange.
A serious move everything around kind
Of winter,
One, where, I, too am cold and hardened
By the wind,
And by the sound that calls me

The Change

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,
Pulled up to the front,
Burning in a rut,
Stuck on some structure you never gave,
And a new life,
I have to cave,
And go back,
To hyped up nights on the edge,
To find some lights to follow,
While the dark could swallow.
3 years later, we are still at it,
I mean a longer list that you have made,
At the top was the love that we lost,
And the hype around this thing called
I got stuck,
Stuck in different beds
In different nights,
In the same kind of fight.
All I’ve known is the road,
And tires,
And mysteries,
And darkness,
And hotels with no
And all the while I was
Caved in..
Not better,
Not worse,
Not the same,
Not the blame.
But now I am different,
Now I am shallow,
Now I am out of the hallow
They name,
And into something else
You claim..
I am into not being the same,
And forever change.
I got a longer list rolling around in my
A longer list of all the things that I need
To change.


Birthday was 11-13. Reflections.

Life is moving fast,
I stopped flying on your pass.
I got tired of risking it.
I got tired of missing it.
Life has all been on the mobile,
Moving slower than quickly,
Moving faster than that decade
We called influence.
I read that always wasn’t necessary,
That I was low on my library.
Cause all I had was knowledge,
All I knew was knowing.
Life has kept up this pace.
Fast has been the secret place.
Been running low on space,
Got to many pictures
To hold onto.
Got to many memories
Of You.
Fast and loving at the same
Hard and true with a little bit
Of kind.
I was a little high on the addiction.
I was a little confused by the tension.
How could You really be in control,
How could You really let me live
This slow?
It has only been mobile,
Life in the solo.
It has all been a fast paced
It was always about those
Memories You used to keep.
All about those histories
We would someday read.
I was never to great at sitting still.
It was much better to find the thrill.
I needed Your grace, it could never
Be affordable.
I needed Your love, it has to be
I need Your truth, it has to cost
I needed some proof, it can’t
Be everything.

60 Days: New Years Haven

Fighting over.
New Years haven,
New was next.
Had you for the best.
I can’t relax,
Cause you got the goods for
Me to see.
I was choosing purity.
I was skipping tragedy.
I was up late for the wrong
Reasons, journal had to die in
Those seasons.
Now I am up high.
I left you feeling dry.
When did school start?
When did you get that false
When did you start getting all
Wearing some glasses now?
Cause I spent to much time
Now I am NYC,
Its fast and moving.
Smells of pain and sorrow.
Feels like Ray had more pizza
To borrow, I got ya now.
Where’s tomorrow?
Don’t tell me now how
Many more times you got to
Head home,
Cause I miss it to.
I miss it with You.
I miss Seattle.
I miss rain and kettle,
Tea and the sea with you.
Feels like it won’t drift.
This spin is just a first draft.

60 Days: Sunday Nights

I had a lot of Saturdays without you,
I had a lot of free Sundays,
I wanted to face that place,
I wanted to return there.
I didn’t want to worship
Anymore. I didn’t want these
Arms open anymore.
I didn’t want you to see me
Here. It started there. It was
Over there.
I woke up thinking different.
Thinking Friday nights in the
O.C. Thinking magic by the sea.
I bought those white shoes.
I thought I was normal for
Those to stay clean.
So Sunday was never the same.
Ryan told me of worship and
Suffering was the message,
Suffering was the massage.
No one knows how to rest in this place.
You let me nap on that couch.
You let me stay up late.
You let me in.
Your house was like a hotel.
I’ve seen to many of those
I needed you more.
I needed the top floor.
I was thinking she was gonna
Call back and call again, but
I couldn’t do that,
That had to come to an end.
I was wild again. I felt the free again.
Just for a little Sunday night.
I saw those movies with a new
Vision. I saw her move west and
Put fear to the test.
I related like Batman would.
I had a dad issue to.
I had a new kind of view to
Look to.
I had an instagram
I had to delete those pics
Of you,
I had to press new on everything.
I had that drive home.
I had that smog filled sunset.
I had the eclipse to look to.
So, where you gonna go?
Anywhere but here.

Part 1

I have come to this place.

Like I was without volition,

Or any ambition.

I was the one that heard it from you first.

I did all that I could to try and listen.

You were just a beautiful kind of vision.

I said I would start working out for you,

I would start running for you.

Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?

So now I am in the volition,

I am on a day off still in ambition.

I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard

But it was because of the way I was raised.

I was raised for you to see,

All the shining parts of me.

I am in it now,

Waiting for this part to stay the stage,

To never wonder the next page,

I am the risk, and the wonder.

I am raised this way,

Raised in thunder and raised in rain…

Day 5

Cause I can’t do daily,

I can’t do every,

I got the day and it is fading away.

I once lost You, I lost you in the busy,

I lost the sense of never being ready.

I can’t do daily now that it is passing.

I can only live like it is not.

Cause you blew those candles out,

You let us know what wishes to

Let out.

Cause I’ve needed you to stay close,

I’ve needed you to let me in,

To let me love you again.

I can’t do daily,

I can only do the insane things,

The crazy and wild commands that

You bring.

I can do those,

I can do those things daily.

I thought I could pause on

Daily, but forward is the way

You raised me.

We sat and waited up for you,

For you to never leave again.

We were the one’s that built what

You left behind,

We were the one’s that are catching up now.

The world was never ready for us,

It should have been,

Cause we spent to much

Time, daily time,

Being afraid of what would be


Now daily plays the new tune,

Daily sets the new mood,

Daily is the reason for a

New altitude.

Daily is the does I need,

Different from the raised

Soul I would be.

Day 3

Canceling debt,
And the regret,
All the things you could
Never set,
It wasn’t set,
It wasn’t the course,
Dinner was its own machine,
Night time was its own
Laundry clean,
Its own hour of lean,
So was the gym,
The basement downstairs,
The escape,
The noise of the stairs,
The sitting, and the waiting,
I wish I could start over,
And pull you closer,
Let you know now,
How hard living easy
Has become?
How to much rest has
Made me numb?
How movies are the greater
Of disease,
Cause fantasy has overplayed
Me, over saved me,
Overturned me,
Now I have debt,
And you took that too,
Now I owe you but I can’t
Cause I too am
 I am the rest I never took,
I blame me now for never
How hard will it get when you leave?
When you disappear, and never
Come back?
How hard will marriage taste,
Or maybe not anything at all,
Or maybe single, like the fall,
Like the rest, like the debt that
You can’t now collect,
I am still in debt,
I owe you all,
You raised me after all,
Can’t pay it back,
Can’t take it back,
Can only remember
To never let it happen


Two years ago this idea came about. As I move toward the spring. I write a lot at this time of the year. I feel like I have had this pattern of hiding and not writing a lot in the fall season and winter. It is California people. It is already Spring. Here’s the reflection.

New not found anywhere else
65 down,
65 to go,
65 years of going slow,
Slow at healing,
Slow at peeling,
Slowly never not yelling,
Faster you went at making a dent,
Poverty was just paying rent,
White walls covered the rest,
I had You, like a treasured chest,
Now I am in the meadows,
Now I am in the open,
65 more years with you?
Not sure what I will do,
Not sure where I will live,
Can I lay down the noise?
The first part was about you,
Now it is about me,
I am to cluttered upstairs
To see,
65 years you have to me,
65 of letting them go,
65 dollars you paid me,
Paid me to copy your
Voice onto the cd,
Now it is done,
Stills spins,
Still sits as another thing
I spent,
To get rid of something
You can’t pay to fade away,
Those memories,
They costed a lot,
They to are with me