Part of the 60 Days of Poetry…Continued from Spin and Was..
Intro: do I need to say this..Hey, I am back. Because I am gone and back and back and gone all of the time. I love the fact that not everything is to be loved about technology. We all know that is has its weaknesses and bad results can come from it. The rise of cyberbully movies( one called that from ABC Family), has us looking at how traumatized people can be over it. So, use this blog for good, and use your writing for good. Even when you express negativity and criticism it is a good thing if we can learn from it. So, hear me now. I am so busy but not busy enough. Writing has changed you cause at least you can read this, right?
I was just in Chicago a month ago. I love that place and have not been to many times. My cousin got married October 2015 and I was able to make a fun recap video with a tablet. A longer and much funnier story would have to be why I had a flip phone at that time. Thanks Dan for the tablet!
It was 30 dollars to park each night in Chicago in the week that I was there. I guess I don’t go to the downtown often. And the funny thing was on the radio that week someone was saying that Chicago is the most expensive place to park. I wasn’t even in downtown either.
All to say it makes me think that part of life is paying for something that seems unfair. It feels really unfair to give a hotel money and they say its a discount but then to pay just to stay at that kind of rate.
What are you going to do with the extra money? I mean, am I going to save that 30 dollars times 5 and put it somewhere that will have nothing to do with parking?
I am not sure. But what I feel like I am learning is how to be mad about the right stuff. It does matter where money goes. It does matter where it stays. I am not going to worry about parking. I would rather fly everywhere. With a cape. With superhero colors. My cape is being dry cleaned anyway so I am off super hero duty. Try to figure out if I am like that really small meta-human percentage of society and I can actually do something like that.
I am not paying for parking anymore, but I will pay to stay. To stay for the right reasons. To stay here and work it just a little bit more.
You can’t develop and grow without it costing you something. So, here we go. It is time to work.
Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”
I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.
That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.
Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.
I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.
Some things are still the same and everything else is not.
Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.
The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.
I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.
.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.
I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.
Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.
I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.
Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.
You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.
Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.
You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.
You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.
Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.
But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?
Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.
You could say we all start a lot of things we don’t finish. In the blogging world it has to do with starting what you write and not getting to that finale of pressing publish.
I can’t say that it has been an easy journey. You should see the hundreds and hundreds of notes on Evernote. I just got my computer fixed a few weeks ago. The same Mac that I got three years ago. You would think that writing would just be much easier because this battery can stand not being plugged in, but I can’t.
I am not plugged in. I am a lose wire attached to something that is called the source.
I am telling you now that your life is about to get wild.
I am afraid of people that I know, knowing what is really said on this thing. I am afraid they will find me and corner me and tell me how imperfect I am.
Distance and disappointment go together. The closer you get to something that doesn’t let you down the less likely you are to have distance. However, when people disappoint you and church lets you down, then, the instinct kicks in. The run or stay instinct.
Let us just get real honest here. I am about to turn 31 years old. This blog started almost a decade ago when I was 21. I have spent a lot of time thinking more than I have actually acted on those thoughts. Reading Making Ideas Happen in 2012 helped me understand that creativity feels like a tormented assent to the summit but without organization you will be calling home wanting to come down from that mountain.
I am not sure how to fit in anymore. I am not as attached to getting everyone around me to understand what I have to say. However, I need people. I need perfection. I need the things that every soul needs.
Perfection is the journey. We don’t pursue being perfect. We pursue the one who is perfect. That famous verse: Be perfect, for my Heavenly Father is perfect.
That verse is inserted in the Sermon on the Mount. The ultimate sermon on human behavior. The ultimate climax of colliding with your depravity. The ultimate picture of perfection.
Jesus is the perfection we seek. When people hurt us. When we lose perspective on eternity we lose this pursuit.
Emotional health has been a huge part of the church I go to. It has been a centerpiece in how I have approached my mind, and my relationships.
Perfection is what is in process.
I am giving you every last part of me,
I am selling those plaid shirts,
I am no longer a lumber jack,
I am never going back,
To chopping my own wood,
To living for being understood,
I was the greater of the digger
I was never convinced of any kind
Of gaps and aches within,
I was never really sure you ever
Loved me from the start,
I was addicted to the false start,
I was charging all of my accounts
And resting in the negative,
I am burning now,
I am surging now,
With sun spots and caved in
Shadows to fight,
I am trying to get things right,
I am a rig worker,
And you know it,
I am a hockey player,
But more of a champion
Living in the attic,
Love is the cure,
I am very sure,
But so is giving it all
Even when you fall,
Even when you fail,
Even Jonah running from the sail,
And the wind,
And caving in,
And under the Shadow power
Of the Shadow lover,
Shade is for the strong,
For they hide the best
I have called this before the meaning behind the prose. For those of you who are new to this blog I have been writing poetry for almost 10 years now. I love it. I love the way it can sound and come out. However, I have an insecurity that comes from a place of raw honesty. I feel like the audience( that don’t know me) are assuming that I am always talking about deep personal things that are all true. I feel this internal focus that everything I am referring to has happened and is about a real person.
I have avoided explaining everything because it is more of an adventure as someone writing in poem form to just let the audience decide what to believe. I am still learning how to value people while I express pain that takes place. I do believe their has to be a righteous line that we draw in the sand. Letting your anger and bitterness for others brew and build inside of you( no matter how much it helps you write better) will in turn damage your emotions and your soul. God is the healer and He is also the creator.
He heals what He has created because we damage ourselves and those around us. This is an entire blog post and a series of teaching on how and why the human experience is the way that it is. God is good and set apart and Holy, and at the same time He moves through humans.
Their is always so much room to combine real and unreal together. I am talking usually about a few core experiences and memories. I do combine real actual lines from music and real moments threaded with a perspective I am trying to convey.
My core meanings that I express:
- Family: I am referencing my mom as a flight attendant. Poems like Red Eyes and Plane Mercy showcase this. I am usually borrowing the language of jetway and departures from the experience I had as a child. The language of airport and travel makes me feel very human and not so alone.
- Friends: I have had so many powerful friendships in Colorado and in my 8 years of Kansas City. And now in the last 2 1/2 years of living in California. Zack is someone that I lived with and did life with and the change that was experienced when he moved was one that was a challenge to adjust to. I wouldn’t have it any other way, however, in terms of opening myself up to connect with others.
- God: I am always trying to reflect on some part of God and His interaction with us. It is God being present to us in the experience of life itself.
Who is YOU?
You is not one single person. It is not ever limited to one relationship. It usually is a series of experiences threaded together. I will say that You is also not always me or even about me, it is also a way to insert in my observations of others around me.
I do sometimes quote real things that have happened and music that inspires. This was from a poem called Downtown Again( 12.31.11). I was living in Kansas City and was working at Trader Joes. Since its been so long, this is about a girl that I was talking to. She was working at the clothing store next to my work and the first night I came in to say hi to her, she had this song from Fleet Foxes playing called Helplessness Blues:
“What’s your name, what’s you station” what am I playing recently?
I then reflected on seeing her in downtown Kansas City and it was more of a sad kind of see then it was anything else. She was really with someone else but it wasn’t like we were together either. I just remember it was freezing cold and I was at Starbucks and I went through these revolving doors and walked into the cold wind.
“Revolving doors yesterday, downtown getaway and His voice so
Sweetly, departure recently from past ways have granted me to..”
All in all my heart was after the Lord. My heart was wanting what God was saying. I did like this person and it didn’t work out, but that is what happens to us sometimes. Our ability to stay tender and not hate others( and we can in our artistic expression) that comes from endless grace.
Keep reading and thanks for reading. 60 days of poetry continues. Think about this: what is the rig and what is the gig? What do you think I mean by those two ideas?