The opening sentence is the hardest. For the web world and bloggers all over it has to have wit and punch and a half-truth.
“I was just on the airplane the other day and in the airport I saw Jennifer Lopez in the airport..LOL..I mean I saw George from Seinfeld but I wish it wasn’t him..”
Slow and moody music plays in the background. My life is getting turned upside down. I have never been one to tell you how long I have been at it but it seems to be getting better and better.
All of life has been about learning how to recover when you are running so fast you can’t keep up. You can’t even keep up with yourself.
Life has been about finding time to have some silence. Most would say a little bit of hope could carry them. I would say you have to slow down long enough to feel that.
I am sitting in this Starbucks by my house in La Verne. I am getting ready to socialize at a bowling alley. That reminds me of Colorado. Where I was just at for 2 weeks. Where every Friday night we went bowling.
Has everyone just played it real safe? Or were we raised to believe we could be better? Even better then those around us.
Everyone tells you that you have a voice. You can sing. You can write. You can create something at night. You can make it all with one phone call. But who are you anyway?
The thing that saves me is the thing that kills me. I can climb out with the same thing that got me stuck in the first place. So, what are you gonna do?
Pause. Pause and find out what is next or what is now that you are missing.
Cause my mind doesn’t slow down sometimes. I have to force the pause. I have to force the sitting sand of a reflective after life. No, I am staying. I am staying here. I am staying where it hurts. I am staying in this town. Maybe forever?
The point has never been about where you end. It usually has to do with who you end up with and where you will go together.
I have paused long enough now to know. I don’t miss the snow, but I will get those gloves if I have to. I don’t miss the rain, but I will stay soaked if I need to. I don’t miss all those players of this heart, but I do need another chance to find you. To get you to listen.
Pause and regret not doing it. Find some pause for the road. Your life is about to get wild and crazy. Your life is about to run you out of this place. You love safety and everyone knowing your name. You love the comfort of things staying the same. Maybe you should love not living in fear or regret. Pause and find out just exactly what is next.
Trying to wait for it,
Trying to save up for it,
Moments without those moments,
And memories of future,
The linen is spinning,
And clean at last,
If I waited what would happen?
Dirt is building,
From all the mudding,
Inside I am climbing,
I am climbing for you,
I am climbing to You,
I am asking new,
I see green lights,
I see no more waiting,
I see fake profiles,
I see fake messages,
I see beauty without
Heart and tattoos with
No meaning,
I see love as a stage,
I see love as a phase,
I see love like it is a daze,
You can try and wait for it,
You can try and save up for it,
Moments without those bad
Moments or better or the
Worst,
Cause this mattress has been
Here to long,
I love being away cause I can’t
Go back to my home,
The place where rest is
Forced on me,
And the past is presently
Sleeping with me,
You waited up for me,
But I am not anymore,
I see it as a stage,
I see it as a step,
I see it as another leap
To take,
One that has a lot of
Mistake
What you want,
Is what you can’t find,
Cause sun was always on the
Hide,
It was always on the rise,
You made some light,
You carried it tight,
Locked, and surely
Never right,
Tomorrow the shades are getting
Darker,
The purity is burning away
With all the vile things love
Can say,
I wanted to go there to,
Down and up,
And moving towards the shameless
Role I knew you could always play,
I was raised to hunger,
I was raised to wonder,
I was raised to stay under
The covers,
And ask you now?
Can you stay there,
Can you be the one to
Stop this madness,
I was raised with a pure dream,
Now its just a nightmare to
Stay asleep,
These eyes are bright for
You,
Made light for you,
It could kill me soon,
To see you to soon,
To swallow some stars
Without the moon,
I too had to start somewhere,
Raised in pieces,
Still picking them up,
Raised to see,
And that is the
Next part,
Actually seeing..
At the turn of 2017 is the ten year anniversary of this blog. 10 years ago I was 21 years old living in Kansas City. Choosing, like a monk, to serve in the Temple. It was Holy and unearned. It was crazy and cult like. It has its criticism, but say whatever you want. I am not where I am if it wasn’t for that place. I press towards a new day. I miss those friends and distance hasn’t changed those memories. Often I am in touch with being a kid. Sometimes it feels immature. It feels like I am not letting go of pain and abuse. And even letting go of the good and the green. I was a spoiled kid living in Fort Collins. Having the mountains as my side yard. I wanted to burn. Burn with passion for something bigger then me. Here is the start of some thoughts on impact and looking back, as far back as you can go…
Cause I am hopped up on
Getting up,
Spent that child hood on
Getting understood,
On wearing a hood,
These memories are
Fresh, you got a lot of
Flesh, it was the way it was,
I thought smoke came from flames
It really came from the future,
I thought you were perfect,
Wings and all,
Here and gone,
Suitcases for Christmas,
Can’t dismiss the need to
Leave this town,
I was hopped up on hope,
The son was missed,
We did want you to stay
Longer,
But I still had some danger,
Everyone gets left,
Everyone gets lost,
Everyone has some flames
To still find.
Just kids was what we did,
Older sister to the rescue,
Telling me to abandon
Curfew,
To hide a little bit longer
Beneath the surface,
I remember Scarface,
I remember Casino,
I remember that kind of life
Could never fit the knife,
Wealth is like a movie,
Credits are gonna roll,
This has no ending,
Hell is like the beginning of
All the endings you get to skip
Today,
The flames judge the smoke,
It seems to be a joke,
But I am no superman without
A city,
A city to save, a city to slave,
A city to cut, a city in a rut,
A city like we were kids,
Rescue, that was you,
Curfew that was me,
I played it safe for you,
I loved out late,
I held on,
I waited at the gate,
Smoke is my friend
Cause at least I got
Some energy for you
To catch,
Joy is my mind resting
At night, or peace when
It rains,
No umbrella to claim,
The end of this is
Where you start,
I waited months to
Write this,
I am in between,
I am over the sea,
I am smoke, don’t
You see?
I want the flame, I want you
To see this, see it burn,
See it up top,
Hopped up,
Top of the tree,
Like a star shining
Bright,
I am ready for the fire,
Its all burning anyway
It was the cops verse the cape,
And there is still an ache,
I was high on you,
Losing you in the night,
Gaining you for the right.
I saw you spin in circles,
I saw you dance around me,
I saw the longer parts of your
Hair, I saw myself living in some
Fear,
That backseat adventure,
The one’s only summer is made of,
But it wasn’t what I wanted,
Or what I needed,
I do miss a lot of things,
But those things are past,
Gone, and ready to be made
New,
I miss those eyes,
All of those people staring
Back at me,
I miss being brother and sister,
Not that that won’t last forever,
I miss waking up to a full house,
Even if the fullness was broken,
Even if what we knew was never
A good thing spoken,
I miss the snow,
The shovels,
The dirt and the grovels,
The spring of You,
The new of You,
The way that you left it on
The edge,
The driveway edge,
The snowstorm of fear,
The journals to come,
The stories of being numb,
Now it fades, all of it fades away,
I miss a lot of things,
But missing sometimes
Means you are missing
Today,
Missing now,
Missing love that somehow
Is not very far away,
Just seems that way,
Cause the past is further
From now,
Further from today
You could say we all start a lot of things we don’t finish. In the blogging world it has to do with starting what you write and not getting to that finale of pressing publish.
I can’t say that it has been an easy journey. You should see the hundreds and hundreds of notes on Evernote. I just got my computer fixed a few weeks ago. The same Mac that I got three years ago. You would think that writing would just be much easier because this battery can stand not being plugged in, but I can’t.
I am not plugged in. I am a lose wire attached to something that is called the source.
I am telling you now that your life is about to get wild.
I am afraid of people that I know, knowing what is really said on this thing. I am afraid they will find me and corner me and tell me how imperfect I am.
Distance and disappointment go together. The closer you get to something that doesn’t let you down the less likely you are to have distance. However, when people disappoint you and church lets you down, then, the instinct kicks in. The run or stay instinct.
Let us just get real honest here. I am about to turn 31 years old. This blog started almost a decade ago when I was 21. I have spent a lot of time thinking more than I have actually acted on those thoughts. Reading Making Ideas Happen in 2012 helped me understand that creativity feels like a tormented assent to the summit but without organization you will be calling home wanting to come down from that mountain.
I am not sure how to fit in anymore. I am not as attached to getting everyone around me to understand what I have to say. However, I need people. I need perfection. I need the things that every soul needs.
Perfection is the journey. We don’t pursue being perfect. We pursue the one who is perfect. That famous verse: Be perfect, for my Heavenly Father is perfect.
That verse is inserted in the Sermon on the Mount. The ultimate sermon on human behavior. The ultimate climax of colliding with your depravity. The ultimate picture of perfection.
Jesus is the perfection we seek. When people hurt us. When we lose perspective on eternity we lose this pursuit.
Emotional health has been a huge part of the church I go to. It has been a centerpiece in how I have approached my mind, and my relationships.
Perfection is what is in process.
I am giving you every last part of me,
I am selling those plaid shirts,
I am no longer a lumber jack,
I am never going back,
To chopping my own wood,
To living for being understood,
I was the greater of the digger
Between us,
I was never convinced of any kind
Of gaps and aches within,
I was never really sure you ever
Loved me from the start,
I was addicted to the false start,
I was charging all of my accounts
And resting in the negative,
I am burning now,
I am surging now,
With sun spots and caved in
Shadows to fight,
I am trying to get things right,
I am a rig worker,
And you know it,
I am a hockey player,
But more of a champion
Addict,
Living in the attic,
Living erratic,
Love is the cure,
I am very sure,
But so is giving it all
Even when you fall,
Even when you fail,
Even Jonah running from the sail,
And the wind,
And caving in,
And under the Shadow power
Of the Shadow lover,
Shade is for the strong,
For they hide the best
THE RUCKUS JOURNAL 