Fade Away

More poetic reflections on my journey with depression.
Waking up to a feeling of fright
Gracefully made it through the night
Trying to get this right
Trying to find some might
Maybe You are who You say You are
Remembering the left wrist and the
Time it was to close to call
When the last I remember was a great
Fall and a fade away.
All that is in front of me is the darkness
And it creeps in with boldness
But where is God and where is the light
Where is the right?
Am I going to far left
And to far lost
And to far gone,
Cause I am fading, too
And where are You
Where are You in all of this.
I see You just barely
I feel You just rarely
I know You but only simply
When did this get so complicated
When did You fade, fade away like
Into the blue You are in a different place
You feel gone and lost away from this place
I feel I have lost my way
Trying to find You
Trying to make it through
Trying to survive
Without the will to live
Where you are?
Have you faded away too
Help me find You
Help me see You
You are in the midst of this place
You have to be here
Where else can I go or
Try to run from Your presence
Waking up to a feeling of fright
Gracefully made it through the night
Trying to get this right
You are good no matter what I feel
You are good no matter what I go
Through, You are the center of this
Storm, and Your eyes don’t fall from
Seeing me in this place.
You have not faded away from this place
You see me here.
My vision will become clear
I am starting to feel You near.

My Depression, Part 2( Old Post)

I wrote an article back in January about how I have been dealing with depression. This season of life has been one of the hardest in a long time. I am now on my 8th month of feeling depressed and not stable. A week ago I was at the end of my stay in the hospital and 2 weeks ago I did a short stay in a psychiatric emergency room. Facebook has always been a place where people vent and sometime vomit their personal opinions but can also feel like no one is really being real with what is going on inside of them. I am seeking to comfort those who are afflicted with depression by sharing my own struggles.
I have been lacking the motivation to do all things that need to be done for me to live a normal life. Everything has been hard and my dark thoughts have been harder to fight each and everyday. It feels like instead of taking it one day at at time that I am taking it one hour at at time.
Here is what I am learning. Some main truths to hold onto.
#1 I need to TRUST in the Lord with all my heart.
It is easy to talk about trusting God when things are going your way but what about when we really feel like we can’t feel or see Him. I have broken down TRUST to mean:
Totality- it is all our heart we are called to give and all of our life we are called to lay down. Depression wants to steal the wholehearted commitment we have for God.
Righteousness- walking in the truth that we are the righteousness of Christ, and we can’t earn that. It is part of walking as a new creation. Depression steals and kills these simple truths and pulls us away from them.
Understanding- Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way acknowledge Him. I am learning to not lean on my own understanding especially when it comes to taking medications and having to depend on the help of doctor’s. I don’t have to understand everything going on around me or in me but He wants to lean on Him.
Sacrifice- Trusting Him means we sacrifice our will and our ideas and our strategy and lay that down to know His will even more. Depression steals you away from real sacrifice and makes everything about what you aren’t doing and where you aren’t seeing Him in your life.
Together- Trusting Him for real friendships and relationships. Having this in our life makes all the difference. Depression isolates you from connection and without connection you lack purpose and without purpose you lack hope and hope makes us come alive and walk in Joy on the inside.
#2- I need people. I have been reaching out to everyone I know asking for prayer in this time. It has forced me to walk in humility over my situation. People are needed in my life to pull me through. I think of the passage in Luke 5 when the paralyzed man needs people to pull him closer to the feet of Jesus. It seems like it wasn’t just his friends that helped lift him over the roof but it was also and could have been random people that are around. Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. It leaves us venerable and in need and that need comes out when we are asking others to pray for us. My church every Sunday morning does a call for those that are hurting and need prayer. I have been raising my hand every week asking for prayer. I am texting people everyday updating them on how I am doing. I need people.
#3- The bigger perspective. Life is short and flies by. Often you see a theme in movies and shows where characters are asking hard questions about themselves and their story. It comes down to living a life without regret. Taking chances. Having faith. Finding love. Losing love but to the point that it doesn’t lose you. Depression has been making me feel like this is it for me. That I am going to struggle this way forever and it can’t really get that much better even though I spent the worst year of my life in 2013 to then having the best 6 years of life to follow. Can I really get back to that place of feeling stable like I did for 6 years? This feeling of depression can’t last forever.
#4 Trusting doctor’s. I have never been in the doctor’s office so much and in touch with my psychiatrist. This hard time has forced me to trust in the medical process especially with changes to medications that have been happening. It has forced me to trust my doctor on a whole new level.
I hope this post brings encouragement to you. If you are someone struggling with bipolar or depression ask for prayer and help from those around you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

My depression

I recently wrote that this has been a hard season of life. I have been dealing with my depression. I have been in a low. Getting out of bed is hard and finding the motivation to go to school and go to work has been equally as hard. I have had so many changes in my medications that I think some of my numbness to enjoying life has been caused by these changes. Medicine has always helped me but really this past year I have been in the hospital 3 different times and each time it has been a major setback. It has cost me money. I have missed work. I am always working harder to get caught up once I am out. It has cost me time. I spend a lot of time in the doctor’s office trying to get myself back to a place of stability. I have had a year of feeling down and especially since the summer this has been true. So, what does a faith believing person like me do with depression.
I hope this finds you well and stirs a deeper conversation that I have been having with myself.
#1 Faith is always tested in hard times. Our faith is our belief in something greater than ourselves. Our belief that God’s truth is greater than our feelings and our circumstances. When I find myself depressed and lacking motivation I feel I am in a test. Will I trust God to pull me through and pull me out of my sadness even. Often the answer is that God will pull me through but not take me out. My faith gets tested in these hard days because so little of me feels God close to me and I wonder where is God in my struggle.
#2 My sense of self-worth. There is a lot of negativity around depression. Negative thoughts and ideas floating around your head but controlling you at the same time. A loud voice is the voice of self-worth. The voice that says, “You aren’t good enough!” And you aren’t really good enough to get out of this depression. These loud voices dominant my mind and take me down a dark path. I know that my worth comes from Christ and there is grace to combat the negative thoughts. I do have power( more than I know) over my mind.
#3 The past can’t be changed. Often the past is the place that I want to change. Past year of hospital visits all could have been avoided if I had just taken my medications and stayed on the structured schedule. My past is over and the best way to move forward is to learn from it. It is easy in depression to live somewhere ‘else’ and that place is a place you shouldn’t stay long. My future is full of hope and even if I have messed up there is grace.
#4 Forgiveness. In depression comes bitterness and bitterness can come from not forgiving. In my sadness I want to blame and hold onto issues with people and find someone to put in the place of blame. God is calling me to lay down those offenses and reconcile. As the Scripture says, “Go and be reconciled first to your brother before you offer your gift to God.”
#5 Community. It is easy to isolate. Proverbs says, ” A man that isolates himself breaks out against all sound judgment.” I want to hide from people and not allow my community of faith to help me. When I was in the hospital last month I had friends from church come and see me in the hospital. It meant a lot to me that people around me care and help me see the light when I am in such a dark place. Having community is crucial to getting better.
I have been struggling with finding joy in the things that I am doing. I have been struggling with getting past these episodes that I have been having. I have been having a hard time falling asleep, showing up to work, waking up, making money, going to doctor visits, taking medications, exc. But all of it is part of the process so I am persevering in the midst of feeling bad.
I hope you can find hope in these words. I have made a commitment to talk about mental health even if I am not feeling great. This is me talking about it.

Hills

Making a comeback. A lot on my mind. A lot going on in life.

 

To feel again,
To find you again,

I knew just hallways,
And corner spaces,
And scared places,

If these halls had hills
They would be alive to..

If I live open then you can see me,
You can see all of me,

And there is no going back,
Going back to living in the the black,
Rich and slightly famous,
How many people asked about me
When I was gone?

How many texts and tweets did I get,
Even more so when I was steady
And hungry,

Only in poverty did you come
Running after me,

To feel again,
To steal again,
The moments made by sunsets,
Now I can stay up and see them,
Now I can stay up and receive them.

If these halls had hills,
They would be alive to,
They would be high too,
They would be all about you.

Stop this cycle
and this roundabout,
Show me what mercy is about,
Cause that is all I need from You
Today.

Interlude- Body

Body of yours,
This life of poise,
This world of noise.
This place I cover,
This place I hover,
Anger you stored up,
Wrath for the hungry,
Treasures for the lonely,
Are you telling me to stop,
Or are you telling me to stay?

Body of yours,
White and pale,
Snow and hail,
Rain and reign,
Are you still king?
Are you still the rearrange?

Cause we never had furniture,
Cause we worried about future,
Cause we needed new furniture,
Cause we can’t change future.

Seated on us,
Seated within us,
This life is poise,
This world of noise,
I am crying out and loud,
Time is going by,
Time is flying by,
Are you still as loud as you used to be?

Is noise what we need,
Or are you louder than you should be,
Is noise what you reign on in the rain,
Is this the last time I talk about things
I don’t do.

Tell me,
Body,
Body expand,
Body of land,
Don’t let this body fall apart.

I, Too * 12 Hours Later..

January 30th from 12pm to 12am. 12 hours of reflection.
Building something,
Something from the start of today,
Waking up and running as fast as I can,
3 miles and counting.
Calling mom on updates and
Such, asking for revelation,
Then it comes to me,
All the great things came in the
Waiting, in the stillness, in the
Wilderness, in the suffering,
In the greatness of what we have
Been looking for all along.
Yes, I too, have suffered,
And suffered recently.
Been up all night wondering
About the fight and the fists and
The things that are called future.
Yet, this is the invitation,
I am not sold or solid,
Not shaken either,
But moved around and tossed
To and fro,
Asking You: how does one grow?
He says wait for the lights and ask
Not for the blinders,
My eyes did wander
And look a little to long,
Starbucks, again, I thought
You were over that flavor,
But to the corner of that place
Was someone standing out of place.
The looked as if they have been to
The blue car before,
They asked for more,
Yes, I too give in to seduction.
I ran away and walked along the way,
I filmed and captured my self by the
Sea and the tilt of the lights that spin
Before night,
I, too, lose the dusk,
So fast and quick it does go..
I drove and drove and yet those
City lights were on my left and
You voice was the loudest of them
All,
Are we talking the same,
Are you the same?
Are we the same struggle?
Home came late and so did that text,
It invited me in and crunched the numbers,
Too,
This will cost just like the last time, and
The tenth time before that.
I want love and the last long,
And the love that lasts long,
But, I, too want the bed you made,
And the mess you make,
And the mistake that came with
Saying go instead of no!
I, too, am up late,
Because the day torments me too,
It calls me too, it calls for change,
A serious rearrange.
A serious move everything around kind
Of winter,
One, where, I, too am cold and hardened
By the wind,
And by the sound that calls me
In..
Hollow,
Silence.

The Change

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,
Pulled up to the front,
Burning in a rut,
Stuck on some structure you never gave,
And a new life,
I have to cave,
And go back,
Again,
To hyped up nights on the edge,
To find some lights to follow,
While the dark could swallow.
3 years later, we are still at it,
I mean a longer list that you have made,
At the top was the love that we lost,
And the hype around this thing called
Forever,
I got stuck,
Stuck in different beds
In different nights,
In the same kind of fight.
All I’ve known is the road,
And tires,
And mysteries,
And darkness,
And hotels with no
Windows,
And all the while I was
Caved in..
Not better,
Not worse,
Not the same,
Not the blame.
But now I am different,
Now I am shallow,
Now I am out of the hallow
They name,
And into something else
You claim..
I am into not being the same,
And forever change.
I got a longer list rolling around in my
Mind,
A longer list of all the things that I need
To change.

Wed..

To wed,

To Wendsday,

To today,

This isn’t a new year without Your

Resolution.

I am not certain I have built something

You would like.

I am not certain these thoughts have been

All about You.

I am certain that the years past have not

Been all about You.

If I was to lock it in

Like one would do at a wedding,

I would have to say I can’t, not today, not now.

All this commitment floating around me,

All this free wedding photography.

Yes, I too, have captured your moments for you.

I, too, said I would and I said I would do it for free.

I am not certain I would do that again,

Film and shoot and shout it out,

Tell your story, and do it for free?

I am not certain I am ready for free,

Or even ready to charge you a fee.

I am only certain I want to something

Else,

Something of a wed, on a Wednesday,

These are uncertain thoughts.

Happy 2019!

Day #50 – Cement

August 21st

Got on a plane,

Made it plain,

Nick of time,

Out of the dime,

Asked for coffee,

For the 5th time,

Boarded that flight,

Stayed short on the night,

Ran low on darkness,

Felt the harness,

This was large,

Larger than I imagined.

Ran in circles only for you

To Fathom.

I am here,

Fountain longing,

Still wandering,

Cracks in the cement,

Cracks in the concrete.

Day #49 – Cracks

August 18th

Preparing for it,

Destroying for it, too.

A breakdown,

Was never half new,

Was never half knew.

I had to walk with the solid,

I had to walk with the college.

I had to feel your knowledge,

And your hands all over mine.

I made some time for reflection,

I made some time for direction,

Tried to seek it out.

I had a dry spout,

I had a place where you were

Unable to find me,

I had cracks,

I had places that I needed you

To fill,

And to find,

I wondered the fountain,

Would it fill me and find me

Tonight.