White Walls

Are you alone when you’re home,

Pacing hallways looking 

For payphones,

Quarters for smokes

Are we home yet?

Is this a little piece of 

Forever,

I can barely see the 

Future,

Are you living in this 

Water, all you do 

Is the work,

Will this really work,

This thing called love.

Are you over this place yet,

Is your bed on the empty

Since I’ve lost my mind,

Are you still lovely 

Without me,

Is this place costly,

Can I leave for free?

Are you still alone 

When you’re home,

You don’t know the 

Phone like I do,

Can I call to know 

Your voice?

This place is running 

On empty,

White walls with white 

Halls and no one knows 

My name,

Who’s to blame?

Can’t explain to you

The pain of wandering

Or the loss with no 

Memory,

Giving pills,

Losing thrills,

Lost your chills,

Where do we go from 

Here,

Are you fear,

Can you be here?

Alone at home,

Without you here,

Away from that place

Where we used to pace.

Regret Much?

Hey friends, how are you? I can’t even pinpoint when the last time it was that I wrote a post like this. I am alive and I do exist. This blog started in 2007 when I was 21 years old and I was in the peak of ministry time in Kansas City. The blog has not died and I love that I have never taken it down or deleted it. It is similar to videos that I have made and even though a lot of that stuff has been lost some things remain.

I don’t want to be young again but sometimes I want a redo on decisions and choices. I am a follower of the faith. The Christ faith. The word Christian and go to church makes most of you cringe. The pandemic has made many fall away from the faith and by ‘fall away’ I mean stay at home in sweats and watch online..ha ha..just kidding! I am not here to point out what you already know. You know the world has been absolute chaos and 2 years ago we were at the start of a wild time. So, how am I doing now?

I don’t really want to write a long post on me. If you want to catch up on some things listen to the Louder Now Podcast.

I want to surrender. For a couple of years I have attended Celebrate Recovery. We call it Celebrate Life at Humanity Church. I want to press into more of God and more Jesus flowing in my life. I have had many reasons to walk away from the faith. All the reasons have to do with mental ilnness but I haven’t. I want to give it all. What keeps me up at night is this burning desire. A desire to live wholeheartedly. A desire to not waste time. A desire to make an impact. A desire for greatness!

Do you do this to? Have you stopped or tuned out these thoughts? Are we now at a place where the desperations of the past that we could call hunger has faded. It has faded because no one can be trusted. No leader. No system. No freedom. No one can be trusted. What is true and who do we follow?

I don’t want to regret much but I do. I can’t change the past and I can’t unstuck myself at times. I am weighed down with the grief of certain choices as it reflects in my last poem Clear Land.

Love is the cure and living in total surrender is how we fight the regret. Time is your greatest commodity. Use it wisely. However, the fear of being perfect is also an illusion. It is not about making perfect choices. It is about reaching towards the one who is perfect and letting Him lead you. Have you faded away? Have you stopped showing up? Do you regret saying no more than saying yes! There is hope. I urge you and myself. Surrender. 100 percent. Surrender.

Born Again

I wrote this earlier in the week..This is who I am,I’ve been born again,Born into it with pain and suffering

And without a choice I chose this

Without You.You make new paths for me

You make new ways for me

Coming out of the darkness and into the light.Doing all I can to live this right. Seeking you in the night.I have a great inheritance

One where you make this home

One where love is the place I’m known.I have a permanent place to dwell One where you know me well and Seek me first

And make me thirst,You create the hunger

You create the desire

This is who I am

I’ve been born again

I was born into pain

Like I didn’t have a choice

Like You paved a way for me

To come and be known

Like you made me a home and

You call me your own.This is who I am

I’ve been born again.

Waiting

Coming out of the fog of depression and into the light. Here’s a reflection.
Waiting
Waiting on You,
Making it all about the things
You do.
You work and own all of my history
Where would I be without Your mystery.
For Your Gospel has made You at the center
For You speak and break chains
And chains have been following me
Bound and not free.
I am waiting on You,
Waiting on You for change
This house needs a rearrange,
For I am still waiting on You to move
Things around,
I am waiting on You to change this town.
I am waiting on You to answer my cry,
For these days I have a lot of why.
I feel desperate for change,
Desperate for something to shift
Desperate for this fog to lift.
For all I’ve known has been depression
For all that is there it feels like oppression.
There’s pain and sorrow in the wake of each day
There’s this feeling that this is never going to go away.
It disappears slowly and surely
Where did hope go and has it gone so slow.
Come with Joy and come with it fast
You hold life eternal all that will last.
Do I know you now as God provider
Do I follow You as God the Father?
Am I hidden with You in that You do
Cause I am waiting for change and
Waiting for words written to live inside
Of me.
What is the cost of waiting on You
What have You done for me
The cloud is a thing that makes me
To barely see,
The dark is close and yet I feel it fading
Away.
I am waiting for Your light to make way
And for this life to live another day
A day without sorrow and the pain
Of depression, but days where hope
Is all I am waiting for and all I am
Living for

Seeking and Searching

I have been using this time to reflect on my journey of mental health and how faithful God has been in the process. God has truly been the source of all the hard questions I have asked over the years. It hasn’t been easy dealing with depression and bipolar. It has forced me to trust God in a deeper way.
This is called Seeking and Searching.
Seeking and searching
You call me into the deep things
Into the unknown,
Out of my comfort zone.
I have been searching and seeking for
a place You call home,
A place where I feel I am known.
You give grace and mercy when I
least expect it and shine light where
I would reject it.
You fix this broken heart
And call me afresh to a new start
This day You have called me forth
To a new search, to a new way of
Living as the church.
You call me into the deep things
And ask of me to sing new songs.
I used to be quiet about the struggle
About the diagnosis,
About the way this disease has effected
Me,
It feels as though it has not stayed hidden
For I have searched and I seek to find some
Rest,
For it has been my greatest test.
My faith has been a war within,
Are you healer, are you strong,
Are you the depth that will last long?
I seek and search for You in this time of
Testing, in this time of crisis, in this time
Of needing more than just words to be
True but a life of power that comes only
From walking with You.
You have become an all consuming fire
A birth to a new desire,
It has come from seeking,
It has come from searching
I am loud now,
Loud about the pain that follows me
Loud about the hopelessness that I have
Faced,
Loud about finding You in the secret place
Loud about hope that comes from You
Loud about spending all my time trying to
Search and seek and make it all about You.
I search and seek,
And choose You this day

New Mercies

More poetic reflections on my journey.
Waking up to a new day,
Where new mercies are the way
I hear the blessing in the rain,
I feel less of the pain,
You are the healer of this brain.
Waking up and trying to find You,
Where have You gone off to
And where is the one that has always
Provided.
These mercies I pursue
For I am in need of more of You
I have been finding solace in the
Hidden
Where you call me deeper and out in
The open
Where we seek Your voice and the places
You have spoken
Where I wake up and I know I am
Chosen.
I walk through this darkness and let the
Light in,
I walk through this sorrow and borrow
Your new mercy,
I seek You for I am thirsty,
I lean on You in all of this,
I press into You no matter the
Cost,
I walk as if I am not lost
But as if I am found
Safe and sound and in Your arms.
I wake up with a new vision
I wake up with hope for a new
Mission.
I follow You and worship You
In that you do
I remember You.
You made this day
And you made this rest.
I put my faith, now, to the
Test.
It’s time to rise for today is new
It’s time to fight and to set the
Sight on the merciful one.
I wake up with mercies that are new
I wake up with eyes stayed on You.

Fade Away, Part 2

Been in a writing flow. Getting my struggles out into poetic form.
I was fading away,
Fading to a new place to stay,
Staying where the pain fits and
Where the depression sits.
It started when that marathon ended,
When that rush was over,
When spring was over
And summer had begun,
Thought more light was more
Fun.
Started out staying up late
And staying out of touch with You,
Started calling you again
And coming over again
Started something that should have
Been the end.
Started out spending all my credit
And saving nothing for a rainy day
For a future time of losing the rhyme.
Road trip to Vegas,
Staying up all night,
Losing all my might,
Giving in to pleasure,
Losing the measure of grace
Falling from this place,
Losing the secret place.
Ended up in the hospital
Started losing sleep,
And so it began,
A whole new painful journey again.
Paced the halls with nothing but
White walls,
Tried to find you but I couldn’t see You
Tried to rest and find some peace
But it was deceased and had left
This place.
I found a new friend with fear
And stopped the tears from flowing
From my eyes.
So it started again,
Deep into the darkness did I
Descend,
Pain I could not comprehend,
It was like these last 6 years were
To good to be true I had slipped and
Fallen out of touch with You.
I am still on the search,
Thank heaven for my church,
For those I can text,
And for the text that says You are
Faithful and True!
For all that I do is dependent on You.
I was fading away but maybe I still am,
Fading into something new,
Something greater with You.
This journey has been a hard one,
But You are a new future,
A new story to be told is found in You.
Time for the old to fade away,
And the new to come!

My Depression, Part 2( Old Post)

I wrote an article back in January about how I have been dealing with depression. This season of life has been one of the hardest in a long time. I am now on my 8th month of feeling depressed and not stable. A week ago I was at the end of my stay in the hospital and 2 weeks ago I did a short stay in a psychiatric emergency room. Facebook has always been a place where people vent and sometime vomit their personal opinions but can also feel like no one is really being real with what is going on inside of them. I am seeking to comfort those who are afflicted with depression by sharing my own struggles.
I have been lacking the motivation to do all things that need to be done for me to live a normal life. Everything has been hard and my dark thoughts have been harder to fight each and everyday. It feels like instead of taking it one day at at time that I am taking it one hour at at time.
Here is what I am learning. Some main truths to hold onto.
#1 I need to TRUST in the Lord with all my heart.
It is easy to talk about trusting God when things are going your way but what about when we really feel like we can’t feel or see Him. I have broken down TRUST to mean:
Totality- it is all our heart we are called to give and all of our life we are called to lay down. Depression wants to steal the wholehearted commitment we have for God.
Righteousness- walking in the truth that we are the righteousness of Christ, and we can’t earn that. It is part of walking as a new creation. Depression steals and kills these simple truths and pulls us away from them.
Understanding- Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way acknowledge Him. I am learning to not lean on my own understanding especially when it comes to taking medications and having to depend on the help of doctor’s. I don’t have to understand everything going on around me or in me but He wants to lean on Him.
Sacrifice- Trusting Him means we sacrifice our will and our ideas and our strategy and lay that down to know His will even more. Depression steals you away from real sacrifice and makes everything about what you aren’t doing and where you aren’t seeing Him in your life.
Together- Trusting Him for real friendships and relationships. Having this in our life makes all the difference. Depression isolates you from connection and without connection you lack purpose and without purpose you lack hope and hope makes us come alive and walk in Joy on the inside.
#2- I need people. I have been reaching out to everyone I know asking for prayer in this time. It has forced me to walk in humility over my situation. People are needed in my life to pull me through. I think of the passage in Luke 5 when the paralyzed man needs people to pull him closer to the feet of Jesus. It seems like it wasn’t just his friends that helped lift him over the roof but it was also and could have been random people that are around. Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. It leaves us venerable and in need and that need comes out when we are asking others to pray for us. My church every Sunday morning does a call for those that are hurting and need prayer. I have been raising my hand every week asking for prayer. I am texting people everyday updating them on how I am doing. I need people.
#3- The bigger perspective. Life is short and flies by. Often you see a theme in movies and shows where characters are asking hard questions about themselves and their story. It comes down to living a life without regret. Taking chances. Having faith. Finding love. Losing love but to the point that it doesn’t lose you. Depression has been making me feel like this is it for me. That I am going to struggle this way forever and it can’t really get that much better even though I spent the worst year of my life in 2013 to then having the best 6 years of life to follow. Can I really get back to that place of feeling stable like I did for 6 years? This feeling of depression can’t last forever.
#4 Trusting doctor’s. I have never been in the doctor’s office so much and in touch with my psychiatrist. This hard time has forced me to trust in the medical process especially with changes to medications that have been happening. It has forced me to trust my doctor on a whole new level.
I hope this post brings encouragement to you. If you are someone struggling with bipolar or depression ask for prayer and help from those around you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

The Change

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,
Pulled up to the front,
Burning in a rut,
Stuck on some structure you never gave,
And a new life,
I have to cave,
And go back,
Again,
To hyped up nights on the edge,
To find some lights to follow,
While the dark could swallow.
3 years later, we are still at it,
I mean a longer list that you have made,
At the top was the love that we lost,
And the hype around this thing called
Forever,
I got stuck,
Stuck in different beds
In different nights,
In the same kind of fight.
All I’ve known is the road,
And tires,
And mysteries,
And darkness,
And hotels with no
Windows,
And all the while I was
Caved in..
Not better,
Not worse,
Not the same,
Not the blame.
But now I am different,
Now I am shallow,
Now I am out of the hallow
They name,
And into something else
You claim..
I am into not being the same,
And forever change.
I got a longer list rolling around in my
Mind,
A longer list of all the things that I need
To change.