Category: Community

Late Nights

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHURCH, Community, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Its a late night

And another

Fight,

All those years

Catching the 

Next flight,

I don’t hear 

From you,

Where is 

Here to you.

I don’t run,

I walk,

You’ve been

Gone,

And its 

Lasting long.

You want to fall

But not to hard,

You want to talk

But barely at all.

Saw you since a kid,

Reading and rehearsing

All the words in red.

Had some faithful days of

Showing up,

No one talked

About growing up.

It’s another late night

Of not getting it right.

Noise and colors on

Screens,

Am I a blind man,

Forgot about the

Unseen,

Do you still move,

Cause I want to 

Move,

Are things looking up,

Or when will I grow up?

Late nights,

Past flights,

Wings and

Wind and we 

All want you to

Change things

Again.

I started but I

Am not sure

How its gonna

End.

White Walls

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, Eternity, Jesus, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Are you alone when you’re home,

Pacing hallways looking 

For payphones,

Quarters for smokes

Are we home yet?

Is this a little piece of 

Forever,

I can barely see the 

Future,

Are you living in this 

Water, all you do 

Is the work,

Will this really work,

This thing called love.

Are you over this place yet,

Is your bed on the empty

Since I’ve lost my mind,

Are you still lovely 

Without me,

Is this place costly,

Can I leave for free?

Are you still alone 

When you’re home,

You don’t know the 

Phone like I do,

Can I call to know 

Your voice?

This place is running 

On empty,

White walls with white 

Halls and no one knows 

My name,

Who’s to blame?

Can’t explain to you

The pain of wandering

Or the loss with no 

Memory,

Giving pills,

Losing thrills,

Lost your chills,

Where do we go from 

Here,

Are you fear,

Can you be here?

Alone at home,

Without you here,

Away from that place

Where we used to pace.

Follow Up

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, Community, Culture, LOVE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Following Up

And not showing up,

Is this place safe,

Or are you away?

Falling asleep without

You next to me,

Going backwards

Again and again,

Can’t just be friends,

Can’t just live again!

Did you see the sorrow,

Did you follow up?

Did you grow up with

Greys instead,

Are you sure of the
Love you gave?

Is this safety,

Or did you run from me?

Told you secrets and

Dreams,

Tried for the tied,

But never could win

With you,

Now you are sinking

And falling to,

Did you ever follow up,

Couches orange when

You wanted to show up,

Are we safe now? 

Are you unsure now?

I am drowning down

And night after night

I am asking for your 

Name to reign,

Can you calm the

Storm of sorrow I 

See? 

Did you follow up?

Did you follow to?

Can I just follow through?

How many days have you 

Been through without

You,

I can’t follow up

Or show up like
I used to

Regret Much?

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Hey friends, how are you? I can’t even pinpoint when the last time it was that I wrote a post like this. I am alive and I do exist. This blog started in 2007 when I was 21 years old and I was in the peak of ministry time in Kansas City. The blog has not died and I love that I have never taken it down or deleted it. It is similar to videos that I have made and even though a lot of that stuff has been lost some things remain.

I don’t want to be young again but sometimes I want a redo on decisions and choices. I am a follower of the faith. The Christ faith. The word Christian and go to church makes most of you cringe. The pandemic has made many fall away from the faith and by ‘fall away’ I mean stay at home in sweats and watch online..ha ha..just kidding! I am not here to point out what you already know. You know the world has been absolute chaos and 2 years ago we were at the start of a wild time. So, how am I doing now?

I don’t really want to write a long post on me. If you want to catch up on some things listen to the Louder Now Podcast.

I want to surrender. For a couple of years I have attended Celebrate Recovery. We call it Celebrate Life at Humanity Church. I want to press into more of God and more Jesus flowing in my life. I have had many reasons to walk away from the faith. All the reasons have to do with mental ilnness but I haven’t. I want to give it all. What keeps me up at night is this burning desire. A desire to live wholeheartedly. A desire to not waste time. A desire to make an impact. A desire for greatness!

Do you do this to? Have you stopped or tuned out these thoughts? Are we now at a place where the desperations of the past that we could call hunger has faded. It has faded because no one can be trusted. No leader. No system. No freedom. No one can be trusted. What is true and who do we follow?

I don’t want to regret much but I do. I can’t change the past and I can’t unstuck myself at times. I am weighed down with the grief of certain choices as it reflects in my last poem Clear Land.

Love is the cure and living in total surrender is how we fight the regret. Time is your greatest commodity. Use it wisely. However, the fear of being perfect is also an illusion. It is not about making perfect choices. It is about reaching towards the one who is perfect and letting Him lead you. Have you faded away? Have you stopped showing up? Do you regret saying no more than saying yes! There is hope. I urge you and myself. Surrender. 100 percent. Surrender.

Halls

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DEPRESSION, GUILT, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

I went to the hospital for my mental health. I was there 7 days. This is my reflection.

If these halls had hills they would be high too,

I’ve been climbing, trying to find You.

This place is carved out for me,

Full of faces, full of all I see.

I see faces that used to smile,

That made life worthwhile.

Now, I see torn and bruised.

Bruised like bad fruit. Used to

Be sweet but not so much anymore.

I see myself fading into the hall,

Pacing after all,

Hungry for change but thirsty for

Water.

After all, this has to do with my father.

I see him in a wheelchair,

Shouting smoke break is now

And making sounds like a cow

And telling me to look down when nothing

Is around. I see the jokes flying but very little

On the smiling,

I see the halls and they feel like hills

Because we lost our right to have the

Thrills.

This is now and this is my life.

Pass the meds and things will be alright.

Can I go down and dig a little deeper? The lows are low

And the highs are high and why do I find myself closer to the

Floor, asking for more, on my knees crying out for saving!

Everything is a hallway and I see the doors

Which way is enter and which way to exit

When do I leave this place and when do I exit

From grace. The answer may be never but I go

Anyway in stormy weather. This is me. This is my life.

Born Again

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

I wrote this earlier in the week..This is who I am,I’ve been born again,Born into it with pain and suffering

And without a choice I chose this

Without You.You make new paths for me

You make new ways for me

Coming out of the darkness and into the light.Doing all I can to live this right. Seeking you in the night.I have a great inheritance

One where you make this home

One where love is the place I’m known.I have a permanent place to dwell One where you know me well and Seek me first

And make me thirst,You create the hunger

You create the desire

This is who I am

I’ve been born again

I was born into pain

Like I didn’t have a choice

Like You paved a way for me

To come and be known

Like you made me a home and

You call me your own.This is who I am

I’ve been born again.

Waiting

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, Hunger and thirst, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment
Coming out of the fog of depression and into the light. Here’s a reflection.
Waiting
Waiting on You,
Making it all about the things
You do.
You work and own all of my history
Where would I be without Your mystery.
For Your Gospel has made You at the center
For You speak and break chains
And chains have been following me
Bound and not free.
I am waiting on You,
Waiting on You for change
This house needs a rearrange,
For I am still waiting on You to move
Things around,
I am waiting on You to change this town.
I am waiting on You to answer my cry,
For these days I have a lot of why.
I feel desperate for change,
Desperate for something to shift
Desperate for this fog to lift.
For all I’ve known has been depression
For all that is there it feels like oppression.
There’s pain and sorrow in the wake of each day
There’s this feeling that this is never going to go away.
It disappears slowly and surely
Where did hope go and has it gone so slow.
Come with Joy and come with it fast
You hold life eternal all that will last.
Do I know you now as God provider
Do I follow You as God the Father?
Am I hidden with You in that You do
Cause I am waiting for change and
Waiting for words written to live inside
Of me.
What is the cost of waiting on You
What have You done for me
The cloud is a thing that makes me
To barely see,
The dark is close and yet I feel it fading
Away.
I am waiting for Your light to make way
And for this life to live another day
A day without sorrow and the pain
Of depression, but days where hope
Is all I am waiting for and all I am
Living for

New Mercies

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment
More poetic reflections on my journey.
Waking up to a new day,
Where new mercies are the way
I hear the blessing in the rain,
I feel less of the pain,
You are the healer of this brain.
Waking up and trying to find You,
Where have You gone off to
And where is the one that has always
Provided.
These mercies I pursue
For I am in need of more of You
I have been finding solace in the
Hidden
Where you call me deeper and out in
The open
Where we seek Your voice and the places
You have spoken
Where I wake up and I know I am
Chosen.
I walk through this darkness and let the
Light in,
I walk through this sorrow and borrow
Your new mercy,
I seek You for I am thirsty,
I lean on You in all of this,
I press into You no matter the
Cost,
I walk as if I am not lost
But as if I am found
Safe and sound and in Your arms.
I wake up with a new vision
I wake up with hope for a new
Mission.
I follow You and worship You
In that you do
I remember You.
You made this day
And you made this rest.
I put my faith, now, to the
Test.
It’s time to rise for today is new
It’s time to fight and to set the
Sight on the merciful one.
I wake up with mercies that are new
I wake up with eyes stayed on You.

Fade Away, Part 2

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment
Been in a writing flow. Getting my struggles out into poetic form.
I was fading away,
Fading to a new place to stay,
Staying where the pain fits and
Where the depression sits.
It started when that marathon ended,
When that rush was over,
When spring was over
And summer had begun,
Thought more light was more
Fun.
Started out staying up late
And staying out of touch with You,
Started calling you again
And coming over again
Started something that should have
Been the end.
Started out spending all my credit
And saving nothing for a rainy day
For a future time of losing the rhyme.
Road trip to Vegas,
Staying up all night,
Losing all my might,
Giving in to pleasure,
Losing the measure of grace
Falling from this place,
Losing the secret place.
Ended up in the hospital
Started losing sleep,
And so it began,
A whole new painful journey again.
Paced the halls with nothing but
White walls,
Tried to find you but I couldn’t see You
Tried to rest and find some peace
But it was deceased and had left
This place.
I found a new friend with fear
And stopped the tears from flowing
From my eyes.
So it started again,
Deep into the darkness did I
Descend,
Pain I could not comprehend,
It was like these last 6 years were
To good to be true I had slipped and
Fallen out of touch with You.
I am still on the search,
Thank heaven for my church,
For those I can text,
And for the text that says You are
Faithful and True!
For all that I do is dependent on You.
I was fading away but maybe I still am,
Fading into something new,
Something greater with You.
This journey has been a hard one,
But You are a new future,
A new story to be told is found in You.
Time for the old to fade away,
And the new to come!

Fade Away

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment
More poetic reflections on my journey with depression.
Waking up to a feeling of fright
Gracefully made it through the night
Trying to get this right
Trying to find some might
Maybe You are who You say You are
Remembering the left wrist and the
Time it was to close to call
When the last I remember was a great
Fall and a fade away.
All that is in front of me is the darkness
And it creeps in with boldness
But where is God and where is the light
Where is the right?
Am I going to far left
And to far lost
And to far gone,
Cause I am fading, too
And where are You
Where are You in all of this.
I see You just barely
I feel You just rarely
I know You but only simply
When did this get so complicated
When did You fade, fade away like
Into the blue You are in a different place
You feel gone and lost away from this place
I feel I have lost my way
Trying to find You
Trying to make it through
Trying to survive
Without the will to live
Where you are?
Have you faded away too
Help me find You
Help me see You
You are in the midst of this place
You have to be here
Where else can I go or
Try to run from Your presence
Waking up to a feeling of fright
Gracefully made it through the night
Trying to get this right
You are good no matter what I feel
You are good no matter what I go
Through, You are the center of this
Storm, and Your eyes don’t fall from
Seeing me in this place.
You have not faded away from this place
You see me here.
My vision will become clear
I am starting to feel You near.