Category: Community

My Depression, Part 2( Old Post)

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITING, Relationships, RELIGION, Righteousness, Ruckus1 Comment
I wrote an article back in January about how I have been dealing with depression. This season of life has been one of the hardest in a long time. I am now on my 8th month of feeling depressed and not stable. A week ago I was at the end of my stay in the hospital and 2 weeks ago I did a short stay in a psychiatric emergency room. Facebook has always been a place where people vent and sometime vomit their personal opinions but can also feel like no one is really being real with what is going on inside of them. I am seeking to comfort those who are afflicted with depression by sharing my own struggles.
I have been lacking the motivation to do all things that need to be done for me to live a normal life. Everything has been hard and my dark thoughts have been harder to fight each and everyday. It feels like instead of taking it one day at at time that I am taking it one hour at at time.
Here is what I am learning. Some main truths to hold onto.
#1 I need to TRUST in the Lord with all my heart.
It is easy to talk about trusting God when things are going your way but what about when we really feel like we can’t feel or see Him. I have broken down TRUST to mean:
Totality- it is all our heart we are called to give and all of our life we are called to lay down. Depression wants to steal the wholehearted commitment we have for God.
Righteousness- walking in the truth that we are the righteousness of Christ, and we can’t earn that. It is part of walking as a new creation. Depression steals and kills these simple truths and pulls us away from them.
Understanding- Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way acknowledge Him. I am learning to not lean on my own understanding especially when it comes to taking medications and having to depend on the help of doctor’s. I don’t have to understand everything going on around me or in me but He wants to lean on Him.
Sacrifice- Trusting Him means we sacrifice our will and our ideas and our strategy and lay that down to know His will even more. Depression steals you away from real sacrifice and makes everything about what you aren’t doing and where you aren’t seeing Him in your life.
Together- Trusting Him for real friendships and relationships. Having this in our life makes all the difference. Depression isolates you from connection and without connection you lack purpose and without purpose you lack hope and hope makes us come alive and walk in Joy on the inside.
#2- I need people. I have been reaching out to everyone I know asking for prayer in this time. It has forced me to walk in humility over my situation. People are needed in my life to pull me through. I think of the passage in Luke 5 when the paralyzed man needs people to pull him closer to the feet of Jesus. It seems like it wasn’t just his friends that helped lift him over the roof but it was also and could have been random people that are around. Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. It leaves us venerable and in need and that need comes out when we are asking others to pray for us. My church every Sunday morning does a call for those that are hurting and need prayer. I have been raising my hand every week asking for prayer. I am texting people everyday updating them on how I am doing. I need people.
#3- The bigger perspective. Life is short and flies by. Often you see a theme in movies and shows where characters are asking hard questions about themselves and their story. It comes down to living a life without regret. Taking chances. Having faith. Finding love. Losing love but to the point that it doesn’t lose you. Depression has been making me feel like this is it for me. That I am going to struggle this way forever and it can’t really get that much better even though I spent the worst year of my life in 2013 to then having the best 6 years of life to follow. Can I really get back to that place of feeling stable like I did for 6 years? This feeling of depression can’t last forever.
#4 Trusting doctor’s. I have never been in the doctor’s office so much and in touch with my psychiatrist. This hard time has forced me to trust in the medical process especially with changes to medications that have been happening. It has forced me to trust my doctor on a whole new level.
I hope this post brings encouragement to you. If you are someone struggling with bipolar or depression ask for prayer and help from those around you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

The Change

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, airports, BIRTHDAYS, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, Discussions, FAMILY, HighSchool, Hollywood, HOW TO, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, Mental Health, MILESTONES, MIND AND BRAIN, PALM TREES, PIECES OF WRITING, POEMS, Poetry, POPCULTURELeave a comment

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,
Pulled up to the front,
Burning in a rut,
Stuck on some structure you never gave,
And a new life,
I have to cave,
And go back,
Again,
To hyped up nights on the edge,
To find some lights to follow,
While the dark could swallow.
3 years later, we are still at it,
I mean a longer list that you have made,
At the top was the love that we lost,
And the hype around this thing called
Forever,
I got stuck,
Stuck in different beds
In different nights,
In the same kind of fight.
All I’ve known is the road,
And tires,
And mysteries,
And darkness,
And hotels with no
Windows,
And all the while I was
Caved in..
Not better,
Not worse,
Not the same,
Not the blame.
But now I am different,
Now I am shallow,
Now I am out of the hallow
They name,
And into something else
You claim..
I am into not being the same,
And forever change.
I got a longer list rolling around in my
Mind,
A longer list of all the things that I need
To change.

Wed..

On By jareddiehl88In California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

To wed,

To Wendsday,

To today,

This isn’t a new year without Your

Resolution.

I am not certain I have built something

You would like.

I am not certain these thoughts have been

All about You.

I am certain that the years past have not

Been all about You.

If I was to lock it in

Like one would do at a wedding,

I would have to say I can’t, not today, not now.

All this commitment floating around me,

All this free wedding photography.

Yes, I too, have captured your moments for you.

I, too, said I would and I said I would do it for free.

I am not certain I would do that again,

Film and shoot and shout it out,

Tell your story, and do it for free?

I am not certain I am ready for free,

Or even ready to charge you a fee.

I am only certain I want to something

Else,

Something of a wed, on a Wednesday,

These are uncertain thoughts.

Happy 2019!

Day #39- Hits

On By jareddiehl88In 60 Days of Poetry, California, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

July 28th

Taking hits and giving in..

Thought I needed it..

Device for the devices,

Can’t see the scar that fades away..

And your head too,

And that tea a little soft too,

Wrenches,

Bring them,

You did.

Trenches,

Lost, and you dig,

You did?

Where is often,

Is it daily?

Is it now,

Then,

Past,

Present,

Broken,

Tremble,

In.

Is it a minor concussion,

You know?

From all the hits.

Day #38 – Trenches

On By jareddiehl88In 60 Days of Poetry, ADDICTION, California, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, MIND AND BRAIN, Ruckus, Series Poetry, SexualityLeave a comment

July 27, 2018

Sunrise,

Blood moons,

Lunar Eclipses,

Days turned to night with you,

Embarrassed a little with you,

Or maybe because of you,

Stretching Thursdays into Fridays,

Watching night fall,

Bitter ending trails to form from

This new kind of norm,

Escaping from the ache,

Moving towards the mistake,

Taking it in the gut,

Sick, in the rut,

For the secrets keep you stuck.

Passing nights with you,

Falling in circles,

Spinning a little bit too,

Asking for fixing,

Looking for wrenches,

Lost in the trenches.

 

 

The Leave On

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, Kingdom Of God, LIFE, Los Angeles, LOVE, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITING, POEMS, Poetry, Series PoetryLeave a comment
*This is a series..here’s part 3..
Still the strangest of things,
Had to take a break from it.
Living like the upside was never
Down,
Living like you were the one leaving
This town,
Like I packed away that leave on,
You know you got to get on,
Get on your way now.
I was looking for the satisfy,
For the reason why,
For the deeper conversations
We could have had.
I got good,
When it was bad.
I got bad when it could
Have been good,
Showing up later on Ya,
Showing up all showered up.
This is that kind of thing I don’t
Want to write about,
I needed you now
I needed the shout.
I needed this to be all
About that.
I needed you to leave,
I wanted you to stay.
Don’t unplug, you see,
Don’t unplug like that TV.
Don’t start going down,
Like the basement is there.
Like it won’t get far from near.
Get good on me,
Get bad no more,
Can’t break that,
Can’t cap that salary.
Get the leave on,
Or stay stuck here with me.

The TV on

On By jareddiehl88In 60 Days of Poetry, ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, Community, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAIN, Series Poetry, Sexuality, SUMMER FILMS, SUNDAY NIGHTS, TODAY, travels, WISE MAN ONCE SAID, Work3 Comments
Day like now,
Wish I was stronger
TV growing stranger.
Lasting for the longer,
This show has its strangest
Of things,
But you were still the last of
The rest to come.
Wish you had more to give,
Wish you had less to throw away
Cause that’s all gotten in the way.
Wish you called a little more
Or am I the one saying sorry to
Much.
I know you assumed I had the zoom in on
Ya,
I had this camera set to do whatever it takes
To get that shot,
That center fold picture of Ya.
I know it seems like your body is
All that matters,
Cause it is.
It is the drawing on the table,
And the lack of my stable that
Got you to go and get new on us.
I know you aren’t stronger
Than anyone else,
Just weaker than you want
To be.
TV still the strangest of
Things,
And you’re still the rearrange
In this relationship thing.
TV still on,
Cause that’s all that matters.

For 2

On By jareddiehl88In California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, GUILT, MIND AND BRAIN, Tuesdays in PomonaLeave a comment

Thought I’d be the one to share this with you,

This night has never been blue,

It’s always been dark and black,

And it feels like I’m on the attack,

If this is nothing but the truth then that’s good enough,

Cuz at least it’s better than hiding,

And we all know how good you are at that,

If there’s something to say and to speak,

I hope it comes out of a place of need.

It took two to get here,

Two stories to tell,

Two crimes to commit.

Yeah in the end I feel it’s just one,

One More Night,

One more crime,

One last time,

Is never the end of this ride.

Everyone has got to have a reason,

To make that movie again,

To get to filming,

To get to remembering..

I can’t lock this away anymore,

And pretend like you don’t hear me at

The door,

I think I have to stay,

But it’s because I want to.

I think you have two more friends,

And two more places you can still go,

I think you have 2 sins you hate,

And two directions you can go,

I know this night had to be fast,

Trying to find you,

Trying to stay a little bit longer,

But the two hardest things in life,

Is everything that has to do with making

Things right.

So leave this place,

But don’t try to pretend and stay,

And if you try to run away,

I hope you have two more reasons,

Why that place was never good enough,

And,  while you’re on the run..

There’s two more times,

For two more crimes,

They are fear and regret,

And I think more than twice

They will try to come back again,

But this is where I need you,

To be the better friend.

Monday

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Real time thoughts. If you have been following or just started. I have been behind on my own creative dreams. 60 Days of poetry was( and is) in real time too. This is now( which is past the 60 days) This is today, and today is all we have.

I got the news,

The news of today.

I got to many hangups with

Yesterday.

I chose and did,

Wrong and long.

How did you hike it,

Did you alone?

Its hard to embrace the present, but that is the only way to move forward.

Embracing where you are.

Now that the day is ended,

And I have surrendered.

What will I lay down?

What will I paint this town?

Red, for victory?

Cause blood is all that matters.

Green, for inexperience,

Or for go, or for fast,

Or do I have what will last?

I ran fast. I did sweat.

I am listless now

 Over making lists.

Try 6:33,

Try it on.

A yoke that is easy,

What kind of scandal is that?

A life that costs nothing doesn’t

Seem worthy of living.

But now meaning comes from

The lack.

Cause I am not getting this time

Back.

Supergirl, Season 3

What kind of fight can there

Be?

The Flash is faster,

But so thin is this

Alabaster.

Am I really giving it my all?

Or am I caught up in the fall?

I mean, October 2007,

That was no open heaven.

Those doors were shut,

That mask was in the rut.

I put it off and put it on,

But I could not escape

That eschaton.

Those wrath filled prayers,

And those God awful blue chairs.

I was there, and you weren’t,

So you can’t write about it like

It is easy to understand.

I am the one living with me,

And sometimes I don’t like

What I see.

I mean, not with looks, or

Even with weight, or even

With the gold on the plate.

No, money hasn’t found me,

Neither has fame,

But when I drive I still

See L.A.

I mean, I see it.

So, this is Monday

But so is everyday.

A new beginning for

The winning.

Cause I got a chance to take,

And that is no mistake.

I got today, and that’s

All I can say.

60 Days.. 8.22- The Town

On By jareddiehl88In 60 Days of Poetry, Able Source Adventures, ADDICTION, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment
8.22: Town
Had this town in the rear view,
Now we know we gotta go.
Drove slow was my criticism,
Is this really cynicism or not?
Cause when we get the sun
We get the Son.
I wanted,
I wandered.
I felt the thunder in the
Dry sky,
Who would want to lie?
The more I travel this state,
The more I cannot erase,
Denver will always be clever.
It will always call me back in.
Remind me of the days when..
I am down below the memories.
I am up above them too.
 I had a long list of regrets,
A longer list of pain to get
To.
But it was found,
In the town.
Am I a lucky one.
Can I see what I got?
Can I settle for better,
Or can I stay this weather?
Stick around,
Find the town.
Seek what you can
Try to live in the found.