Monday

Real time thoughts. If you have been following or just started. I have been behind on my own creative dreams. 60 Days of poetry was( and is) in real time too. This is now( which is past the 60 days) This is today, and today is all we have.

I got the news,

The news of today.

I got to many hangups with

Yesterday.

I chose and did,

Wrong and long.

How did you hike it,

Did you alone?

Its hard to embrace the present, but that is the only way to move forward.

Embracing where you are.

Now that the day is ended,

And I have surrendered.

What will I lay down?

What will I paint this town?

Red, for victory?

Cause blood is all that matters.

Green, for inexperience,

Or for go, or for fast,

Or do I have what will last?

I ran fast. I did sweat.

I am listless now

 Over making lists.

Try 6:33,

Try it on.

A yoke that is easy,

What kind of scandal is that?

A life that costs nothing doesn’t

Seem worthy of living.

But now meaning comes from

The lack.

Cause I am not getting this time

Back.

Supergirl, Season 3

What kind of fight can there

Be?

The Flash is faster,

But so thin is this

Alabaster.

Am I really giving it my all?

Or am I caught up in the fall?

I mean, October 2007,

That was no open heaven.

Those doors were shut,

That mask was in the rut.

I put it off and put it on,

But I could not escape

That eschaton.

Those wrath filled prayers,

And those God awful blue chairs.

I was there, and you weren’t,

So you can’t write about it like

It is easy to understand.

I am the one living with me,

And sometimes I don’t like

What I see.

I mean, not with looks, or

Even with weight, or even

With the gold on the plate.

No, money hasn’t found me,

Neither has fame,

But when I drive I still

See L.A.

I mean, I see it.

So, this is Monday

But so is everyday.

A new beginning for

The winning.

Cause I got a chance to take,

And that is no mistake.

I got today, and that’s

All I can say.

Advertisements

60 Days.. 8.22- The Town

8.22: Town
Had this town in the rear view,
Now we know we gotta go.
Drove slow was my criticism,
Is this really cynicism or not?
Cause when we get the sun
We get the Son.
I wanted,
I wandered.
I felt the thunder in the
Dry sky,
Who would want to lie?
The more I travel this state,
The more I cannot erase,
Denver will always be clever.
It will always call me back in.
Remind me of the days when..
I am down below the memories.
I am up above them too.
 I had a long list of regrets,
A longer list of pain to get
To.
But it was found,
In the town.
Am I a lucky one.
Can I see what I got?
Can I settle for better,
Or can I stay this weather?
Stick around,
Find the town.
Seek what you can
Try to live in the found.

60 Days: Friday Night

Friday night
Getting things right,
Writing is the way of life,
Pen in the end,
Is gonna  get the win,
Tongue ready with the white
Rider,
Aren’t you the justice I seek?
Aren’t you the painful one
In the meek?
I can’t help myself anymore,
I got to get back to wanting
More,
I thought I could carry myself down
This path,
Down 60 days of thunder,
Down the days where I
Used to wonder.
She still is there,
And so is he.
Standing in the middle,
Asking for friendship
With me.
The future seems to
Still be a choice,
Dad is restless and
I can’t hear his voice.
What kind of medicine will
It take to get grandma out
Of the grave?
Or make that white winter of
Comfort ever start to change?
These lines have been drawn,
And I can feel the yawn,
Its 3am and I am ready
For the dawn.
I am not friendly anymore,
Cause all I ever gave to you
Has been wasted.
I thought I was gifted enough
To get the climb back here in,
But instead I’ve been left with
Colorless paintings,
And all the times I wish I could
Have been better.
I got more to store,
And more to live by,
I got to many things to
Skip, to tell you of these
Bad hips.
I need a new walk with Ya,
So tell me if that can happen
Soon, or by noon, or by the
Next Friday night.

The Lines are still long

I have this bias towards film. And is something that has been expressed over and over on this blog. 2008 was really the first year I started trying movie reviews. I had a whole post on Lars and the Real Girl. It was the summer of Get Smart, Iron Man, The Hulk, exc.

When I was in the elementary school days we lived across the street from Carmike 10 in Fort Collins. Right next to Horsetooth Lanes. I think it called Chipper lanes now. Those years were spent waiting in line to see Star Wars remixed or whatever. I was 10. I had this keen awareness then as I do now that films came out and people watched them no matter what financial situation they were in. Movies were the ultimate place to gather no matter what. I am sure in desperate times people would sneak into movies.

Movies still play this role in my life. I think as a believer you view it differently and yet the same as others. I think as believers we have more opportunity to see where people are at and observe what they believe. We live in a glorious tension because not everything needs to be seen. However, the protest syndrome, over certain films like Beauty and the Beast( of which I still need to see) also gag all of us because the uproar from believers just seems somewhat inane and hypocritical. I don’t want to go off on all of that right now. Plenty of us watch Walking Dead and Game of Thrones. Plenty of us( myself included) got way into Breaking Bad. All of these are questionable in their ethics and graphic material. I am a fan of good story telling and realities that come with them, but you do have to weigh if seeing the complexity of evil transcends seeing evil in a way that is not worth just seeing the good story..yikes..complicated( to be continued)

The lines last night were long. The lines were long when I saw Spider-Man. The lines were long when me the homeboys from work saw Baby Driver. The lines have always been long. So what is the point? Are we just checking out? Is depression really taking over so that most people just numb out and 1 and every 5 films has the mental illness thread? Is the Time’s Magazine article that just came out warning us that medicine isn’t working even if we want it to? What is going on?

I am loud about one thing. And how loud is based on how hungry. God satisfies. God replaces what we think does and puts Himself in the center of our desires. If one message needs to be preached more it is the bread of life, the living water..

You need food and God gives it, but what you really need is Him. People are hungry. Hungry for truth. Hungry for risk. Hungry for adventure. Life has become fearfully and wonderfully complex!

You think its wrong to crave story when you are just getting started but the subtext of all drama and tragedy is that God is the source of healing. We will pay an endless amount of money on whatever we think will do the trick.

Isaiah 55:2 “Why do you spend…?…on what doesn’t satisfy.”

I am not after the one answer to fix it all because God does give us the choice to choose how to spend our money and how many long lines to stand in. Please don’t be counting down to black Friday where you inevitably will spend less time with your family shopping for a big screen television. You don’t need it. But what do you need?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 1

I have come to this place.

Like I was without volition,

Or any ambition.

I was the one that heard it from you first.

I did all that I could to try and listen.

You were just a beautiful kind of vision.

I said I would start working out for you,

I would start running for you.

Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?

So now I am in the volition,

I am on a day off still in ambition.

I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard

But it was because of the way I was raised.

I was raised for you to see,

All the shining parts of me.

I am in it now,

Waiting for this part to stay the stage,

To never wonder the next page,

I am the risk, and the wonder.

I am raised this way,

Raised in thunder and raised in rain…

That Should Be Okay

Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”

I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.

That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.

Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.

I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.

Some things are still the same and everything else is not.

Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.

The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.

I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.

.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.

I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.

Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.

I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.

Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.

You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.

Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.

You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.

You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.

Screenshot_2016-04-30-21-39-47

Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.

But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?

Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.

 

 

Day 3

Canceling debt,
And the regret,
All the things you could
Never set,
It wasn’t set,
It wasn’t the course,
Dinner was its own machine,
Night time was its own
Laundry clean,
Its own hour of lean,
So was the gym,
The basement downstairs,
The escape,
The noise of the stairs,
The sitting, and the waiting,
I wish I could start over,
And pull you closer,
Let you know now,
How hard living easy
Has become?
How to much rest has
Made me numb?
How movies are the greater
Of disease,
Cause fantasy has overplayed
Me, over saved me,
Overturned me,
Now I have debt,
And you took that too,
Now I owe you but I can’t
Cause I too am
Regret,
 I am the rest I never took,
I blame me now for never
Asking,
How hard will it get when you leave?
When you disappear, and never
Come back?
How hard will marriage taste,
Or maybe not anything at all,
Or maybe single, like the fall,
Like the rest, like the debt that
You can’t now collect,
I am still in debt,
I owe you all,
You raised me after all,
Can’t pay it back,
Can’t take it back,
Can only remember
To never let it happen
Again.