The Lines are still long

I have this bias towards film. And is something that has been expressed over and over on this blog. 2008 was really the first year I started trying movie reviews. I had a whole post on Lars and the Real Girl. It was the summer of Get Smart, Iron Man, The Hulk, exc.

When I was in the elementary school days we lived across the street from Carmike 10 in Fort Collins. Right next to Horsetooth Lanes. I think it called Chipper lanes now. Those years were spent waiting in line to see Star Wars remixed or whatever. I was 10. I had this keen awareness then as I do now that films came out and people watched them no matter what financial situation they were in. Movies were the ultimate place to gather no matter what. I am sure in desperate times people would sneak into movies.

Movies still play this role in my life. I think as a believer you view it differently and yet the same as others. I think as believers we have more opportunity to see where people are at and observe what they believe. We live in a glorious tension because not everything needs to be seen. However, the protest syndrome, over certain films like Beauty and the Beast( of which I still need to see) also gag all of us because the uproar from believers just seems somewhat inane and hypocritical. I don’t want to go off on all of that right now. Plenty of us watch Walking Dead and Game of Thrones. Plenty of us( myself included) got way into Breaking Bad. All of these are questionable in their ethics and graphic material. I am a fan of good story telling and realities that come with them, but you do have to weigh if seeing the complexity of evil transcends seeing evil in a way that is not worth just seeing the good story..yikes..complicated( to be continued)

The lines last night were long. The lines were long when I saw Spider-Man. The lines were long when me the homeboys from work saw Baby Driver. The lines have always been long. So what is the point? Are we just checking out? Is depression really taking over so that most people just numb out and 1 and every 5 films has the mental illness thread? Is the Time’s Magazine article that just came out warning us that medicine isn’t working even if we want it to? What is going on?

I am loud about one thing. And how loud is based on how hungry. God satisfies. God replaces what we think does and puts Himself in the center of our desires. If one message needs to be preached more it is the bread of life, the living water..

You need food and God gives it, but what you really need is Him. People are hungry. Hungry for truth. Hungry for risk. Hungry for adventure. Life has become fearfully and wonderfully complex!

You think its wrong to crave story when you are just getting started but the subtext of all drama and tragedy is that God is the source of healing. We will pay an endless amount of money on whatever we think will do the trick.

Isaiah 55:2 “Why do you spend…?…on what doesn’t satisfy.”

I am not after the one answer to fix it all because God does give us the choice to choose how to spend our money and how many long lines to stand in. Please don’t be counting down to black Friday where you inevitably will spend less time with your family shopping for a big screen television. You don’t need it. But what do you need?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 1

I have come to this place.

Like I was without volition,

Or any ambition.

I was the one that heard it from you first.

I did all that I could to try and listen.

You were just a beautiful kind of vision.

I said I would start working out for you,

I would start running for you.

Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?

So now I am in the volition,

I am on a day off still in ambition.

I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard

But it was because of the way I was raised.

I was raised for you to see,

All the shining parts of me.

I am in it now,

Waiting for this part to stay the stage,

To never wonder the next page,

I am the risk, and the wonder.

I am raised this way,

Raised in thunder and raised in rain…

That Should Be Okay

Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”

I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.

That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.

Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.

I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.

Some things are still the same and everything else is not.

Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.

The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.

I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.

.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.

I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.

Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.

I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.

Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.

You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.

Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.

You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.

You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.

Screenshot_2016-04-30-21-39-47

Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.

But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?

Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.

 

 

Day 3

Canceling debt,
And the regret,
All the things you could
Never set,
It wasn’t set,
It wasn’t the course,
Dinner was its own machine,
Night time was its own
Laundry clean,
Its own hour of lean,
So was the gym,
The basement downstairs,
The escape,
The noise of the stairs,
The sitting, and the waiting,
I wish I could start over,
And pull you closer,
Let you know now,
How hard living easy
Has become?
How to much rest has
Made me numb?
How movies are the greater
Of disease,
Cause fantasy has overplayed
Me, over saved me,
Overturned me,
Now I have debt,
And you took that too,
Now I owe you but I can’t
Cause I too am
Regret,
 I am the rest I never took,
I blame me now for never
Asking,
How hard will it get when you leave?
When you disappear, and never
Come back?
How hard will marriage taste,
Or maybe not anything at all,
Or maybe single, like the fall,
Like the rest, like the debt that
You can’t now collect,
I am still in debt,
I owe you all,
You raised me after all,
Can’t pay it back,
Can’t take it back,
Can only remember
To never let it happen
Again.

Day 1

I am still getting high on insulation,

Anything to stay not in motion,

I was the one that started this dream,

Started when I was 13,

When I noticed something unseen,

When the smile overcame,

And the green lights were the same,

Started when you departed,

It was required,

It was acquired,

But it became what I wanted it to be,

It showed me some color,

Something I rarely did see,

It started as a raised soul,

It started out of control,

Out of the mole,

And into the tunnel,

Out of the rest,

And into the best,

It started as your dream,

It started like 4 became a

Team

I loathed some winter,

I loathed the shiver,

I lost the insulation,

I lost your hesitation.

The Mattress

Trying to wait for it,

Trying to save up for it,

Moments without those moments,

And memories of future,

The linen is spinning,

And clean at last,

If I waited what would happen?

Dirt is building,

From all the mudding,

Inside I am climbing,

I am climbing for you,

I am climbing to You,

I am asking new,

I see green lights,

I see no more waiting,

I see fake profiles,

I see fake messages,

I see beauty without

Heart and tattoos with

No meaning,

I see love as a stage,

I see love as a phase,

I see love like it is a daze,

You can try and wait for it,

You can try and save up for it,

Moments without those bad

Moments or better or the

Worst,

Cause this mattress has been

Here to long,

I love being away cause I can’t

Go back to my home,

The place where rest is

Forced on me,

And the past is presently

Sleeping with me,

You waited up for me,

But I am not anymore,

I see it as a stage,

I see it as a step,

I see it as another leap

To take,

One that has a lot of

Mistake

Raised, Pt. 2

What you want,

Is what you can’t find,

Cause sun was always on the

Hide,

It was always on the rise,

You made some light,

You carried it tight,

Locked, and surely

Never right,

Tomorrow the shades are getting

Darker,

The purity is burning away

With all the vile things love

Can say,

I wanted to go there to,

Down and up,

And moving towards the shameless

Role I knew you could always play,

I was raised to hunger,

I was raised to wonder,

I was raised to stay under

The covers,

And ask you now?

Can you stay there,

Can you be the one to

Stop this madness,

I was raised with a pure dream,

Now its just a nightmare to

Stay asleep,

These eyes are bright for

You,

Made light for you,

It could kill me soon,

To see you to soon,

To swallow some stars

Without the moon,

I too had to start somewhere,

Raised in pieces,

Still picking them up,

Raised to see,

And that is the

Next part,

Actually seeing..

65

Two years ago this idea came about. As I move toward the spring. I write a lot at this time of the year. I feel like I have had this pattern of hiding and not writing a lot in the fall season and winter. It is California people. It is already Spring. Here’s the reflection.

New not found anywhere else
65 down,
65 to go,
65 years of going slow,
Slow at healing,
Slow at peeling,
Slowly never not yelling,
Faster you went at making a dent,
Poverty was just paying rent,
White walls covered the rest,
I had You, like a treasured chest,
Now I am in the meadows,
Now I am in the open,
65 more years with you?
Not sure what I will do,
Not sure where I will live,
Can I lay down the noise?
The first part was about you,
Now it is about me,
I am to cluttered upstairs
To see,
65 years you have to me,
65 of letting them go,
65 dollars you paid me,
Paid me to copy your
Voice onto the cd,
Now it is done,
Stills spins,
Still sits as another thing
I spent,
To get rid of something
You can’t pay to fade away,
Those memories,
They costed a lot,
They to are with me
Still

Older

You can’t be this stuck. Like mud, like slipping, like missing it always. But, that is how you feel?

And maybe its the right path. Maybe it is no longer maybe. It’s is a now. It is a suddenly. You can’t be this naive either. You sat on it for years. For fears. For further evidence look at the way you have spent your time.

Look at the way you have spent your money. Look at all the things you have saved, and the scraps you have thrown away. Look at your life. That is the proof that you need. You are stressed out because You have to keep giving. No one is asking. You are a mess, but a good mess. A good kind of wreck.

This heart is broken. It really feels that way. Things have not changed. I miss a lot of people and I can’t go back.

And I hate it when people share to much online. But I got time. I got a lot of time to stop wasting.

To start speaking. Truth. The Ruckus was never for me, it was for us. It was Fort Collins, Loveland and everything high school. It was everything we did and didn’t do. It was adolescence.

It was where we owe a lot. I am sorry world, I am not really. I have moved on. I don’t know if this is for you, but its all for me. That sound selfish. That sounds like, “who is this guy,” he doesn’t need anymore attention..or does he?” I know I have always pressed publish really fast. I know I have spent all day looking at the past. All the receipts. All the expenses. All the bounced checks. All the fees. All the parking in the wrong place tickets. Forward. Forward is a must.

Balance can never be achieved by trying to be balanced. It can’t. I think 3 years ago I started over. And its still a process. I felt it daily. I spent 5 months sitting still.

I spent a lot of time watching the white walls. And washing the night fall. Time after time. By Disneyland, of all places. Fireworks nightly. The best part. Selling cigarettes for quarters. Quarters for calls. And a long list of people to talk to.

No one wants to know everything about you. Maybe your spouse is that person and that seems like that sounds healthy. No one really needs to know everything about you.

However, why do we feel like no one understands us? I can talk a lot about stories. Some that have made this blog. More that are in video form, and even more that just live in this movie of a mind I have.

No one really needs to know it all. People that love you just want you to be around. They want you to last a really long time. I got to see my little nephews get big and grow up. Noah Kai and Jedidiah Sky. They are moving forward, too. You know?

I don’t have good grammar. I have worked more on pursuing good stories. Now, its a new season. Its fall. It is closer to the holidays. It is when everything gets darker, and colder. We are expected to be at our brightest.

How can you be, if no one knows you? I got out of that place. I was there for five months. It wasn’t a prison. It was freedom. It was pain facing. It was life changing.

It was better than riding the circuit. See, now that I am out its been harder to have boundaries. I don’t mean relational boundaries. Most of us have never figured that out.

You like someone and you share your heart, and your thoughts and then it doesn’t or it does work out. Is having boundaries related to how little you say or don’t say? And don’t people get mad at you when you hold and hide and don’t confide in them?

No one has to know everything. The Ruckus is going. It is continuance. It is a noise that will carry. Can’t we stare at love a little more? Can’t you stop chasing the wrong kind of noise? Love has to be the loudest noise you chase.

It will make you. Break you. Ruin you. It will start your day. It will flee those long nights.

Older. That’s you now. That is where you are at. Time just is what it is, but it can’t be controlled. It can’t go back on you, and you can’t go back on it. A new it. A new life. A new hole in the sky is here tonight, today, tomorrow. The Ruckus. That is any noise you can make. That is any commotion you can create. The Ruckus without love is, well, just getting older. Older without love is just age. And everyone dies, eventually.. Am I an age? Just 30. Almost 31. You got a lot left in you. I know you do.

You got a lot of time to make things right. To live right. To be anything more than just a number, an age. Be older. Be forward. Be the Ruckus. Cause I had five months, and that’s all you need sometimes.

Morning New

Of all the cities, this one has some influence..

Morning New

It had some influence,
The city of fountains,
It had me when I was dry, and
Dead,
It taught me how to get empty
Instead,
She had that dream,
It had begun,
You feared losing when
You had already won,
I was a Prince,
I was to rule,
I was going to school,
But a different kind of learning,
A heart that would always be
Burning,
It was for You, it was all for You,
Others came and tried,
They tried to lie,
They tried to creep on in,
Those alligators on the screen door,
Those prayers of hitting the floor,
This heart is beating for You,
Its been consumed,
I just need some rest,
I just need some test,
I don’t always have to be the best,
I just need You,
It drives around the block,
Your love that is stock,
That fills the shelves,
I used to stock those too,
At night when no one had a clue,
It was this city that carved me,
Now it is still after me,
Chasing me down,
Falling down,
Casting the crown,
It digs into this head,
And you already bled,
I got this in control,
Cause I feel I am not,
Chaos in the cracks,
And no going back,
Passing meadow lane,
The winters it did bring,
The garage spot,
The circles of trust,
The burning heart,
Always a must,
Fire me new,
This is morning,
This is a new sun to chase,
I am after You again,
Cause I can’t live in black and
White anymore,
Color it again,
Color this city that has made me
Who I am,
A new painting
For the taking