60 Days:Windy

City to me,
Come forward with me.
Standing for you,
Sitting feels to new.
I texted, I messaged, I said I would
Never live like this again.
Friday in L.A.
That hasn’t been the way.
Hotels for you,
Hotels with you.
Living out of the end of the
New.
I am ready for city.
Ready for windy.
Cause safety,
You remember
Safety? We ditched
That a long time ago.
Caught up in the net.
Feeling the regret.
All the miles on the ten
for you.
All the miles back and forth
With the wishing and the
Wishing.
Sat with the upstate,
Sat with the hesitate.
Can’t see you happy.
Can’t see you new.
Can’t keep playing these videos
Like they were the only creative
I ever knew.
Its beats, baby.
And the windy city
That has me.
I came out here to hide.
I came in here to burn for
You.
Now you want a spin,
Now you want to spiral again.
Take me with you,
Cause at least that’s
Better than the upstate,

60 Days.. 8.22- The Town

8.22: Town
Had this town in the rear view,
Now we know we gotta go.
Drove slow was my criticism,
Is this really cynicism or not?
Cause when we get the sun
We get the Son.
I wanted,
I wandered.
I felt the thunder in the
Dry sky,
Who would want to lie?
The more I travel this state,
The more I cannot erase,
Denver will always be clever.
It will always call me back in.
Remind me of the days when..
I am down below the memories.
I am up above them too.
 I had a long list of regrets,
A longer list of pain to get
To.
But it was found,
In the town.
Am I a lucky one.
Can I see what I got?
Can I settle for better,
Or can I stay this weather?
Stick around,
Find the town.
Seek what you can
Try to live in the found.

60 Days: Friday Night

Friday night
Getting things right,
Writing is the way of life,
Pen in the end,
Is gonna  get the win,
Tongue ready with the white
Rider,
Aren’t you the justice I seek?
Aren’t you the painful one
In the meek?
I can’t help myself anymore,
I got to get back to wanting
More,
I thought I could carry myself down
This path,
Down 60 days of thunder,
Down the days where I
Used to wonder.
She still is there,
And so is he.
Standing in the middle,
Asking for friendship
With me.
The future seems to
Still be a choice,
Dad is restless and
I can’t hear his voice.
What kind of medicine will
It take to get grandma out
Of the grave?
Or make that white winter of
Comfort ever start to change?
These lines have been drawn,
And I can feel the yawn,
Its 3am and I am ready
For the dawn.
I am not friendly anymore,
Cause all I ever gave to you
Has been wasted.
I thought I was gifted enough
To get the climb back here in,
But instead I’ve been left with
Colorless paintings,
And all the times I wish I could
Have been better.
I got more to store,
And more to live by,
I got to many things to
Skip, to tell you of these
Bad hips.
I need a new walk with Ya,
So tell me if that can happen
Soon, or by noon, or by the
Next Friday night.

In The Timing( 60 Days of Poetry)

In the Timing
Sunset was getting close,
You were waiting for this call,
I was waiting for the fall,
I can’t keep these secrets
So secret anymore.
You gave me this work,
You paid for the flights,
You gave me the lights,
They got some vibrant
On me,
They keep asking for me
To capture it,
Can we float like this?
Can we keep this high?
Cause I am not coming down.
I was looking back,
I was telling you about it all,
I am sick of carrying this burden
I am sick of lying to all my friends.
So I am saying so for the last time,
I am getting furry over the sorry,
These lies are killing all of us!
I am screwed all of this up,
Taken all these miles You have
Provided,
I should have said no to them,
All way to long ago,
You are my friend, this place
Has all my friends,
This is where it begins,
This is where the purity will
start,
The past is past us,
El Paso is home for now,
But that to will come to an end.

Spin

My life be spinning in circles.
Risk is the theme and so is follow through.
Diplomacy is the skill but so is power
Love is the game but so is lust.
Rust is the result, but so is fat
And sorrow, and sad, and endless
Mad!
The sight of these eyes is not satisfied,
It is filled with lie!
So color me new,
Who am I trying to fool?
I am lost in the lust it takes
To call you mine–
One whisper of your name,
Drives me insane!

That Should Be Okay

Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”

I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.

That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.

Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.

I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.

Some things are still the same and everything else is not.

Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.

The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.

I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.

.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.

I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.

Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.

I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.

Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.

You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.

Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.

You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.

You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.

Screenshot_2016-04-30-21-39-47

Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.

But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?

Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.

 

 

Day 5

Cause I can’t do daily,

I can’t do every,

I got the day and it is fading away.

I once lost You, I lost you in the busy,

I lost the sense of never being ready.

I can’t do daily now that it is passing.

I can only live like it is not.

Cause you blew those candles out,

You let us know what wishes to

Let out.

Cause I’ve needed you to stay close,

I’ve needed you to let me in,

To let me love you again.

I can’t do daily,

I can only do the insane things,

The crazy and wild commands that

You bring.

I can do those,

I can do those things daily.

I thought I could pause on

Daily, but forward is the way

You raised me.

We sat and waited up for you,

For you to never leave again.

We were the one’s that built what

You left behind,

We were the one’s that are catching up now.

The world was never ready for us,

It should have been,

Cause we spent to much

Time, daily time,

Being afraid of what would be

Next,

Now daily plays the new tune,

Daily sets the new mood,

Daily is the reason for a

New altitude.

Daily is the does I need,

Different from the raised

Soul I would be.