The Change

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,
Pulled up to the front,
Burning in a rut,
Stuck on some structure you never gave,
And a new life,
I have to cave,
And go back,
Again,
To hyped up nights on the edge,
To find some lights to follow,
While the dark could swallow.
3 years later, we are still at it,
I mean a longer list that you have made,
At the top was the love that we lost,
And the hype around this thing called
Forever,
I got stuck,
Stuck in different beds
In different nights,
In the same kind of fight.
All I’ve known is the road,
And tires,
And mysteries,
And darkness,
And hotels with no
Windows,
And all the while I was
Caved in..
Not better,
Not worse,
Not the same,
Not the blame.
But now I am different,
Now I am shallow,
Now I am out of the hallow
They name,
And into something else
You claim..
I am into not being the same,
And forever change.
I got a longer list rolling around in my
Mind,
A longer list of all the things that I need
To change.

Wed..

To wed,

To Wendsday,

To today,

This isn’t a new year without Your

Resolution.

I am not certain I have built something

You would like.

I am not certain these thoughts have been

All about You.

I am certain that the years past have not

Been all about You.

If I was to lock it in

Like one would do at a wedding,

I would have to say I can’t, not today, not now.

All this commitment floating around me,

All this free wedding photography.

Yes, I too, have captured your moments for you.

I, too, said I would and I said I would do it for free.

I am not certain I would do that again,

Film and shoot and shout it out,

Tell your story, and do it for free?

I am not certain I am ready for free,

Or even ready to charge you a fee.

I am only certain I want to something

Else,

Something of a wed, on a Wednesday,

These are uncertain thoughts.

Happy 2019!

Day #41- Indecision(s)

July 31st

Pressed on this mattress,

Spinning and turning since 8 in the morning,

Backwards days I thought were past me.

I still think of her,

And you at the same time.

I couldn’t make it up,

Make up the time?

Or decide,

Decide if this was the right kind.

I know you thought you could stay and I wanted you to.

August was a starter,

July 31st was the day it started with you.

The day of weddings in summer times,

Yellow shades like James Bond,

The last recording of the old camcorder,

The Hi-8 Tapes of Dana Point,

The last Marriot,

The last time I saw the outside world.

I couldn’t decide.

Did I want to stay in the breeze,

And the Dana Point,

And the main point,

And the time you met me at the beach

In that pink blaze of beauty,

In that high school memory,

The first of love and burning

And late night madness,

All of it was!

All of it had to be!

When July 31st came,

It came and went,

It all was love,

It all of summer,

It all was indecision.

Day #39- Hits

July 28th

Taking hits and giving in..

Thought I needed it..

Device for the devices,

Can’t see the scar that fades away..

And your head too,

And that tea a little soft too,

Wrenches,

Bring them,

You did.

Trenches,

Lost, and you dig,

You did?

Where is often,

Is it daily?

Is it now,

Then,

Past,

Present,

Broken,

Tremble,

In.

Is it a minor concussion,

You know?

From all the hits.

Day #38 – Trenches

July 27, 2018

Sunrise,

Blood moons,

Lunar Eclipses,

Days turned to night with you,

Embarrassed a little with you,

Or maybe because of you,

Stretching Thursdays into Fridays,

Watching night fall,

Bitter ending trails to form from

This new kind of norm,

Escaping from the ache,

Moving towards the mistake,

Taking it in the gut,

Sick, in the rut,

For the secrets keep you stuck.

Passing nights with you,

Falling in circles,

Spinning a little bit too,

Asking for fixing,

Looking for wrenches,

Lost in the trenches.

 

 

Day #37 – Mission(s)

Sent on a mission,

Entering the submission,

Day’s past were wrapped in the past.

Locked in and loved it for the sake of no one,

But got you in here,

Lost and insecure,

Really, resting, unsure.

Really, had you going for a minute!

Took you down the roads, and into the

Dark!

Pathways for the past were in this heart.

It wasn’t the first time, or the last time that you

Would be udone..

But it should be the last of these last missions

You call home, and away!

And everything felt a little better hidden away..

In the dark,

In the shadows.

Am I not the kind that could love the light!

Am I not the kind that would fade with the night!

Am I on a mission,

Or is it You that I am here for?

Day #34 – Arrival

Middle man for a second,

Dropping you off and leaving it,

Summer was over,
Leaves were left for you,

Summer had a little sad,

I knew that was because of you.

Missed you now,

And a little then,

Gifted with memories

But not with forgetting.

Dropped it to,

Middle love,

For this place had a lack of

Family,

A lack of thirsty,

I knew I had a burn,

And a scar,

And a place to light it all.

I was stuck for a little,

At it for a while,

Here for the arrival.

It should be coming soon.