Bullet Points

  • Coming off the high of making a Podcast and making progress.
  • Living by this quote, “It is time to do the things you should be doing..” ( from UNFUCK YOURSELF by Gary John Bishop)
  • Using change to pay for coffee.
  • Facing facts that are facts.
  • Googling which diseases I might have.
  • Upon watching 6 seasons of ARROW, I conclude that everyone who is as heroic and self-loathing as Oliver Queen needs the wisdom of John Diggle. That is real friendship. #balance #brotherhood
  • I told myself I would stay up late tonight working on things that matter and those things are deep and personal and have to do with mental health.
  • This list should be longer
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Sit With

I need someone too,
Someone to sit with.
It used to be you,
It used to be the clue.
You were less than blue,
And a little new,
A little younger,
A little shape of
Beautiful, and what was
I supposed to do?
All of life became about watching you,
And learning, too.
I had some also, and some And,
And some Because,
Because of us, too.
I needed someone,
Now I am waking up with someone
Else’s arms,
Friday nights,
Hotel fights,
Lyft rides on the curb,
Downtown to disturb,
Later on the on,
For the later on.
I needed someone to sit with.
I needed you to stop sitting, too.
You were afraid, and scared,
And more scared, too.
I woke up in your arms,
By choice, by choosing,
By wanting more.

Sorrow

Sorrow filled nights,
When you were missing flights,
And staying in at the midnight.
When I called and no answer,
I had to live up to this cancer.
Silence is killing me,
Slowly and softly it is No longer a good thing,
To hear no phone to ring.
Louder are the noises,
More than silence,
More than waiting, Waiting for You
To answer this sorrow And this pain.
After all of these years is there
Safety, is there safety in this brain.Is there comfort beyond what I Have known?
Is cold today, Cold in L.A.Is that the endless saying you Still say?
Sorrow filled nights,
No longer missing flights.
I am here and here is home, and home is safe.

Saga/ West/ Wild

Saga….

Crave adventure, don’t you?

Moved away, didn’t you?

Palo Alto, is that so?

Left in the snow, is that truth?

Are you cold, are you solo,

Are you a no go?

Dear, someone,

Is what I needed to say,

Are you the one that got away,

Are you the saga we were starting,

And the steady sound of beginning.

Am I hidden, hidden in Christ, with words

You call thrice,

And three days it took for You to raise up!

Crave adventure..

I thought so..

Left for Palo Alto,

Now I really know.

You were the one on the long list,

The long list of those I met in the West.

It was here, it was wind, it was like you

Were blown away from the end.

Crave tomorrow…

Yes, I thought so, how did you know?

This had to be wild or not true,

Because now you got a mountain view,

And lions to catch and chase, and sun that you won’t miss…

I blow you a kiss,

And keep it on that beach,

Where you were in some reach,

And far from the breach.

It was wild, it was the west that you won,

And north is fun and further from the truth.

You need this saga as proof.

Are in the middle of a longer story,

Or are you the one that ends with it here?

There is trembling, there is fear, this is something

Waiting for next time…

DISconnect

Why is your world so full of empty connections? Or, none whatsoever.  If I lead off this thought assuming no one is connecting with you most would read and agree, then possibly stop reading because what’s so new about that thought? Is this a day before Valentine’s Day post? No, it isn’t.

Full and wholesome talk that starts with and ends with being human. The longer life continues the less and less you care about what you call ‘ petty’ things, and the more you crave real relationship and connection with people. I have had this obsession at the beginning of each year to finish all the books that I started reading the year before. I have had this goal at the start of the year for the past 10 years( at least), and now I have a long list of books that have gone unfinished. I have a pile of unread books, and a larger pile of guilt that sounds like regret for not finishing things I start.

However, when I get down and think about it I discover something I have known for a while..what is more important..the goal itself or the actual information you take with you into the next thing.

I connect with books. I connect with a level of knowledge but it fades away. I don’t repeat lessons learned when I read Wild At Heart in 2004. I find myself trying to remember current books and information.

Is this about books, or about something else? Life is full of unread books and unfinished goals. It is also full of shallow relationships of disconnect. Yet, year after year it piles up. Who knows you( is that a long list), and who doesn’t( a pile of unfinished books).

It can’t all be about everyone knowing you just like it can’t all be about finishing every book you pick up, but finishing something and sticking with it can be the most helpful way to stay healthy.

This is not a sad post on what Valentine’s Day should be about. Really, that is for tomorrow if I decide to write something on love, or the lack thereof. This life is meant for a connection. Raw and real and time to heal, but don’t let it pile up. Don’t let your disconnect pile up. Books can be thrown away and burned and bought again. Books are movies made now like Farenheit 411( and you still get the message) knowledge is power and so is freedom. People are not a pile to hide in the corner, people are asking for some real love, and a real connection.

Flow with me here..is this the start of a lot of thoughts?

I, too, am Saturday

Part 2. #SeriesPoetry

I am here to focus,
I am here to live.
I got caught in your rain,
We had that talk,
In one Accord,
Black and dented like
The one we rented,
All of life has been on hold,
On credit, on charge,
On still stuck in your rut.
I am here to focus,
I am the onus,
The one in control,
Not of you, but of me.
I celebrate,
I celebrate recovery.
That was once a Friday night thing,
A dull sound of trying to sing,
Free coffee and dessert for those
That could stay,
Now, I am here,
I am Saturday,
I am drifting,
I am drifting away.

I, Too * 12 Hours Later..

January 30th from 12pm to 12am. 12 hours of reflection.
Building something,
Something from the start of today,
Waking up and running as fast as I can,
3 miles and counting.
Calling mom on updates and
Such, asking for revelation,
Then it comes to me,
All the great things came in the
Waiting, in the stillness, in the
Wilderness, in the suffering,
In the greatness of what we have
Been looking for all along.
Yes, I too, have suffered,
And suffered recently.
Been up all night wondering
About the fight and the fists and
The things that are called future.
Yet, this is the invitation,
I am not sold or solid,
Not shaken either,
But moved around and tossed
To and fro,
Asking You: how does one grow?
He says wait for the lights and ask
Not for the blinders,
My eyes did wander
And look a little to long,
Starbucks, again, I thought
You were over that flavor,
But to the corner of that place
Was someone standing out of place.
The looked as if they have been to
The blue car before,
They asked for more,
Yes, I too give in to seduction.
I ran away and walked along the way,
I filmed and captured my self by the
Sea and the tilt of the lights that spin
Before night,
I, too, lose the dusk,
So fast and quick it does go..
I drove and drove and yet those
City lights were on my left and
You voice was the loudest of them
All,
Are we talking the same,
Are you the same?
Are we the same struggle?
Home came late and so did that text,
It invited me in and crunched the numbers,
Too,
This will cost just like the last time, and
The tenth time before that.
I want love and the last long,
And the love that lasts long,
But, I, too want the bed you made,
And the mess you make,
And the mistake that came with
Saying go instead of no!
I, too, am up late,
Because the day torments me too,
It calls me too, it calls for change,
A serious rearrange.
A serious move everything around kind
Of winter,
One, where, I, too am cold and hardened
By the wind,
And by the sound that calls me
In..
Hollow,
Silence.