Day #31 – Stand It

Summer

Misdirection,

Misinformation,

Missed in the beach and,

Missed in the wind,

Missed in the time spent trying to

Not be it.

What ride it has been,

Where you want to hide and live it again,

And now you are far from home,

And far from now,

If this was love then it is just a beginning,

Can we live this,

And even stand it with a little bit of

Poverty?

Are you missed,

Or are you dismissed?

Cause I am here, and I know it has to be real.

Do you keep,

Do you store?

Do you steal,

Is that a thing?

I was misdirected once,

Searching for the fountain to drink from.

I know you think I don’t watch, or even see,

But this here is about a stand out,

And a can’t stand it when I am gone,

Away,

And wanting more.

I love the travel,

And the move around,

But you are the loving sound I get to now,

I will stand it if I need to.

Loud noises,

Louder now with it.

I won’t stand it if you start

Saying something different.

 

Trap

Trapped in the
Tired cause I stayed
Tied cause I left,
Left in a rush with
It, Left you in the
Hush of it.
Got caught up in the
Lust of it,
Wanted a new rust
On this.
Shaved it off by
Time, with the mine,
All my belongings on the
Optimal,
On the
Bottom oval.
I was after the white.
No house.
Politics of the
Modest mouse..
Were we ready,
Or just present?
Were we better,
Or just the only one’s?
Going back is for this.
But life is forward
And so is green.
So is mean and lean.
New Sabotage
Or new garage?
New way of living.
That old house wasn’t giving.
I am not sure what it all means..
But I take pride in getting there.
I take a lot of Joy and pride in the process,
And the journey.
But these capital letters
They are faded,
Cause meaning has become
Jaded.
Is church the next topic?
The next baby carrot?
To chase,
To circle,
To black without white
To home without house?
Isn’t it the same party
No matter who you are with?
Or this just all in my head?
Cause it was funny for a little bit,
Then, you were like..I am gonna stay
Here for a little while..
I thought I could get some extra from
You, thought I could go those miles for
You, thought this white had a house,
Had a mouse, had some corners,
Or is this your trap, and
Your fade back?

In The Timing( 60 Days of Poetry)

In the Timing
Sunset was getting close,
You were waiting for this call,
I was waiting for the fall,
I can’t keep these secrets
So secret anymore.
You gave me this work,
You paid for the flights,
You gave me the lights,
They got some vibrant
On me,
They keep asking for me
To capture it,
Can we float like this?
Can we keep this high?
Cause I am not coming down.
I was looking back,
I was telling you about it all,
I am sick of carrying this burden
I am sick of lying to all my friends.
So I am saying so for the last time,
I am getting furry over the sorry,
These lies are killing all of us!
I am screwed all of this up,
Taken all these miles You have
Provided,
I should have said no to them,
All way to long ago,
You are my friend, this place
Has all my friends,
This is where it begins,
This is where the purity will
start,
The past is past us,
El Paso is home for now,
But that to will come to an end.

That Should Be Okay

Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”

I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.

That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.

Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.

I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.

Some things are still the same and everything else is not.

Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.

The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.

I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.

.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.

I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.

Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.

I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.

Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.

You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.

Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.

You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.

You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.

Screenshot_2016-04-30-21-39-47

Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.

But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?

Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.

 

 

Day 4

Wired, wired it up.
Phone lines, phone lines all tangled up.
13, that’s when.
That is when you started it again.
Because you never answered me.
You never explained how to live.
I always was wired.
I was on it.
I was with it.
I was asking for you to listen to
It.
I was raised with You.
I saw the things called blue.
Why was everything black,
Or all white like this town?
I wish you would hover,
I wish you could cover,
I never made it anyway,
You are the one who created
The color.
Phone lines all tangled up
Because I never knew who to
Trust and who to listen to.
I was wired to that television,
I was wired to the notebook too,
I was wired and talking,
I was endlessly dreaming.
I was caught up in the same,
When all you ever wanted
Was to teach me about change.
I am still wired,
But I am tired.
Countless hours going backwards,
Countless minutes wasting away.
Wired is the theme,
But letting go is the
Dream.