Category: Hunger and thirst

Halls

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DEPRESSION, GUILT, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

I went to the hospital for my mental health. I was there 7 days. This is my reflection.

If these halls had hills they would be high too,

I’ve been climbing, trying to find You.

This place is carved out for me,

Full of faces, full of all I see.

I see faces that used to smile,

That made life worthwhile.

Now, I see torn and bruised.

Bruised like bad fruit. Used to

Be sweet but not so much anymore.

I see myself fading into the hall,

Pacing after all,

Hungry for change but thirsty for

Water.

After all, this has to do with my father.

I see him in a wheelchair,

Shouting smoke break is now

And making sounds like a cow

And telling me to look down when nothing

Is around. I see the jokes flying but very little

On the smiling,

I see the halls and they feel like hills

Because we lost our right to have the

Thrills.

This is now and this is my life.

Pass the meds and things will be alright.

Can I go down and dig a little deeper? The lows are low

And the highs are high and why do I find myself closer to the

Floor, asking for more, on my knees crying out for saving!

Everything is a hallway and I see the doors

Which way is enter and which way to exit

When do I leave this place and when do I exit

From grace. The answer may be never but I go

Anyway in stormy weather. This is me. This is my life.

Waiting

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, Hunger and thirst, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment
Coming out of the fog of depression and into the light. Here’s a reflection.
Waiting
Waiting on You,
Making it all about the things
You do.
You work and own all of my history
Where would I be without Your mystery.
For Your Gospel has made You at the center
For You speak and break chains
And chains have been following me
Bound and not free.
I am waiting on You,
Waiting on You for change
This house needs a rearrange,
For I am still waiting on You to move
Things around,
I am waiting on You to change this town.
I am waiting on You to answer my cry,
For these days I have a lot of why.
I feel desperate for change,
Desperate for something to shift
Desperate for this fog to lift.
For all I’ve known has been depression
For all that is there it feels like oppression.
There’s pain and sorrow in the wake of each day
There’s this feeling that this is never going to go away.
It disappears slowly and surely
Where did hope go and has it gone so slow.
Come with Joy and come with it fast
You hold life eternal all that will last.
Do I know you now as God provider
Do I follow You as God the Father?
Am I hidden with You in that You do
Cause I am waiting for change and
Waiting for words written to live inside
Of me.
What is the cost of waiting on You
What have You done for me
The cloud is a thing that makes me
To barely see,
The dark is close and yet I feel it fading
Away.
I am waiting for Your light to make way
And for this life to live another day
A day without sorrow and the pain
Of depression, but days where hope
Is all I am waiting for and all I am
Living for

The Change

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, airports, BIRTHDAYS, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, Discussions, FAMILY, HighSchool, Hollywood, HOW TO, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, Mental Health, MILESTONES, MIND AND BRAIN, PALM TREES, PIECES OF WRITING, POEMS, Poetry, POPCULTURELeave a comment

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,
Pulled up to the front,
Burning in a rut,
Stuck on some structure you never gave,
And a new life,
I have to cave,
And go back,
Again,
To hyped up nights on the edge,
To find some lights to follow,
While the dark could swallow.
3 years later, we are still at it,
I mean a longer list that you have made,
At the top was the love that we lost,
And the hype around this thing called
Forever,
I got stuck,
Stuck in different beds
In different nights,
In the same kind of fight.
All I’ve known is the road,
And tires,
And mysteries,
And darkness,
And hotels with no
Windows,
And all the while I was
Caved in..
Not better,
Not worse,
Not the same,
Not the blame.
But now I am different,
Now I am shallow,
Now I am out of the hallow
They name,
And into something else
You claim..
I am into not being the same,
And forever change.
I got a longer list rolling around in my
Mind,
A longer list of all the things that I need
To change.

I don’t Have T***

On By jareddiehl88In DAILY LIFE, HOW TO, Hunger and thirst, LIFE, LOVELeave a comment

Grammarly..not my strength. If writing is all you need you have to make sense..help me later.

Time is like a cuss word if you use it like that’s what it is.

It goes without your control. It keeps making you decide things. How will you spend it?

Time is like a cussing streak..if you keep wasting it.

Have you ever yelled at someone then regretted it?

Don’t yell at time. You will regret it.

Control is everyone’s favorite thing yet finds itself tormenting you.

I won’t waste it because I won’t not try, but where are you at in what you want to spend time on?

You do have it..even 10 minutes more than you would say you don’t have..

This is meant to inspire you. Comment on this if you have thoughts about time and everything else related to getting things done. The things, and dreams that you want to pursue.

#time

You, On

On By jareddiehl88In California, DAILY LIFE, Discussions, Hunger and thirst, Series Poetry, SUNDAY NIGHTSLeave a comment
Key west with me,
Ride that scooter with me,
That was never for free.
That girl had it coming.
One more reason to leave,
Was a million more to stay.
Saturday is without you
And that’s the way it should be.
Lost my way thinking of that
Burning day,
Wanted you around,
Wanted you to stay.
Now your lost in this Ocean
Of wondering.
Got me on the street
Searching and pandering.
I never knew the list of reasons
and to do’s,
Just knew it was always about you.
Shining bright,
And keeping me up at night.
Needed you in this head,
Wanted you in this bed.
Needed someone to wake
Up next to,
Needed to move on,
And stop the thoughts about
You.
Key west with me,
Travel that world with me.
Watch the disaster fall around
Us, move on with that past thing
You called a sure thing.
I got plenty of time
To call you mine.

60 Days:Windy

On By jareddiehl88In 60 Days of Poetry, Able Source Adventures, ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Culture, DAILY LIFE, Football, Girls, HighSchool, Hollywood, Hunger and thirst, ihop, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment
City to me,
Come forward with me.
Standing for you,
Sitting feels to new.
I texted, I messaged, I said I would
Never live like this again.
Friday in L.A.
That hasn’t been the way.
Hotels for you,
Hotels with you.
Living out of the end of the
New.
I am ready for city.
Ready for windy.
Cause safety,
You remember
Safety? We ditched
That a long time ago.
Caught up in the net.
Feeling the regret.
All the miles on the ten
for you.
All the miles back and forth
With the wishing and the
Wishing.
Sat with the upstate,
Sat with the hesitate.
Can’t see you happy.
Can’t see you new.
Can’t keep playing these videos
Like they were the only creative
I ever knew.
Its beats, baby.
And the windy city
That has me.
I came out here to hide.
I came in here to burn for
You.
Now you want a spin,
Now you want to spiral again.
Take me with you,
Cause at least that’s
Better than the upstate,

Noise

On By jareddiehl88In Hunger and thirst, Jesus Christ, Los Angeles, LOVE, MANHOODLeave a comment
Who’s watching is making a different noise?
And His fear are the hands
You don’t want to fall into.
They are the living kind,
The terrifying kind of alive.
I am the fear of that body on the inside,
And what it means to be here forever.
Don’t cast me out to the gnashing,
Where regret has its circling,
Please keep Virgil next to me,
To show me the circles that wait
For me.
I am Dante on the rock,
I am Dante in the peak
Cause even he can’t outrun the
Storm to come?
I was kissing your steps
And licking your wounds,
I was praying for a monsoon
Cause who doesn’t love a
Good storm–

Louder Now

On By jareddiehl88In DAILY LIFE, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, LIFE, Los Angeles, LOVE, MANHOOD, TODAYLeave a comment

It is a great excitement and a walk down memory lane to talk about the meaning behind the Ruckus Journal. The pause for me has been crafting the best way to say it on the About page and in the format of this blog. 2017 has marked 10 years for a few things and this blog is one of them. A decade of holding the tag ” Sitting in His presence is a great disturbance.”

I think writing( and all of us would agree) just happens to find its way back to personal and yet deeper then you would want at times stories. The constant run on sentence of connecting everything back to yourself. Its humorous at times and painful and tormenting to always bring it back to your life but usually it is because you are starting with you and ending with a vision for others. You mostly want to write because you want to make some kind of impact with what you say. And on, and on, this conversation could go.

Its 3:23am and I am in the craziest week ever only in the weird travel stuff happening stuff kind of way, so the better poem and this and the post called The Last Time have all been on this trip and this trip pretty much happened right next to Texas part 1 the end of July and in between was a wedding, and a wedding before that before that. So, don’t be surprised if this gets rearranged into something else. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you this. You ready?

Louder now and the Ruckus. Sitting in His Presence is a great disturbance. The idea that Ruckus is disturbing the peace, and making us uncomfortable is a constant reality. We are never called to expect a safe ride. And everyone has to wrestle with it. The Gospel in all its greatness is the least safest message around. The characters of the bible make the loudest Ruckus from the one that started the noise in the first place.

Why are we so afraid of failing at something we didn’t start? We are only here for a few reasons…

I will tell you more later but my disturbance is changing. I am holding back from being all that I can be. I am not joining the army but I am fighting the wars that are in front of me.

If I can be loud with meaning then I guess that would be some cymbals that aren’t annoying and less lovely to hear.

Paul is saying( Apostle Paul) that love is measured by the source of the prophecy and wisdom, the sacrifice of the person, This is a much longer series of writings to reflect. Because love is the center of everything pointing us to Christ.

I am louder because I want to be. I am in the process of staying loud about the right things. I did get the Homer Simpson award in the fifth grade but that was more me wanting attention and being loud as the class clown.

More to come. Getting older..

That Should Be Okay

On By jareddiehl88In 60 Days of Poetry, Able Source Adventures, ADDICTION, Blogroll, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, Discussions, Eternity, FAMILY, FILM, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Kingdom Of God, LIFE, Los Angeles, LOVE, MIND AND BRAINLeave a comment

Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”

I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.

That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.

Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.

I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.

Some things are still the same and everything else is not.

Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.

The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.

I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.

.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.

I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.

Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.

I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.

Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.

You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.

Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.

You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.

You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.

Screenshot_2016-04-30-21-39-47

Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.

But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?

Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.

 

 

Day 4

On By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, DAILY LIFE, Eternity, FAMILY, HighSchool, Hollywood, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, Jesus Christ, LIFE, Los Angeles, LOVE, MANHOODLeave a comment
Wired, wired it up.
Phone lines, phone lines all tangled up.
13, that’s when.
That is when you started it again.
Because you never answered me.
You never explained how to live.
I always was wired.
I was on it.
I was with it.
I was asking for you to listen to
It.
I was raised with You.
I saw the things called blue.
Why was everything black,
Or all white like this town?
I wish you would hover,
I wish you could cover,
I never made it anyway,
You are the one who created
The color.
Phone lines all tangled up
Because I never knew who to
Trust and who to listen to.
I was wired to that television,
I was wired to the notebook too,
I was wired and talking,
I was endlessly dreaming.
I was caught up in the same,
When all you ever wanted
Was to teach me about change.
I am still wired,
But I am tired.
Countless hours going backwards,
Countless minutes wasting away.
Wired is the theme,
But letting go is the
Dream.