Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”
I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.
That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.
Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.
I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.
Some things are still the same and everything else is not.
Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.
The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.
I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.
.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.
I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.
Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.
I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.
Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.
You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.
Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.
You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.
You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.
Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.
But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?
Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.
Trying to wait for it,
Trying to save up for it,
Moments without those moments,
And memories of future,
The linen is spinning,
And clean at last,
If I waited what would happen?
Dirt is building,
From all the mudding,
Inside I am climbing,
I am climbing for you,
I am climbing to You,
I am asking new,
I see green lights,
I see no more waiting,
I see fake profiles,
I see fake messages,
I see beauty without
Heart and tattoos with
I see love as a stage,
I see love as a phase,
I see love like it is a daze,
You can try and wait for it,
You can try and save up for it,
Moments without those bad
Moments or better or the
Cause this mattress has been
Here to long,
I love being away cause I can’t
Go back to my home,
The place where rest is
Forced on me,
And the past is presently
Sleeping with me,
You waited up for me,
But I am not anymore,
I see it as a stage,
I see it as a step,
I see it as another leap
One that has a lot of
What you want,
Is what you can’t find,
Cause sun was always on the
It was always on the rise,
You made some light,
You carried it tight,
Locked, and surely
Tomorrow the shades are getting
The purity is burning away
With all the vile things love
I wanted to go there to,
Down and up,
And moving towards the shameless
Role I knew you could always play,
I was raised to hunger,
I was raised to wonder,
I was raised to stay under
And ask you now?
Can you stay there,
Can you be the one to
Stop this madness,
I was raised with a pure dream,
Now its just a nightmare to
These eyes are bright for
Made light for you,
It could kill me soon,
To see you to soon,
To swallow some stars
Without the moon,
I too had to start somewhere,
Raised in pieces,
Still picking them up,
Raised to see,
And that is the
You can’t be this stuck. Like mud, like slipping, like missing it always. But, that is how you feel?
And maybe its the right path. Maybe it is no longer maybe. It’s is a now. It is a suddenly. You can’t be this naive either. You sat on it for years. For fears. For further evidence look at the way you have spent your time.
Look at the way you have spent your money. Look at all the things you have saved, and the scraps you have thrown away. Look at your life. That is the proof that you need. You are stressed out because You have to keep giving. No one is asking. You are a mess, but a good mess. A good kind of wreck.
This heart is broken. It really feels that way. Things have not changed. I miss a lot of people and I can’t go back.
And I hate it when people share to much online. But I got time. I got a lot of time to stop wasting.
To start speaking. Truth. The Ruckus was never for me, it was for us. It was Fort Collins, Loveland and everything high school. It was everything we did and didn’t do. It was adolescence.
It was where we owe a lot. I am sorry world, I am not really. I have moved on. I don’t know if this is for you, but its all for me. That sound selfish. That sounds like, “who is this guy,” he doesn’t need anymore attention..or does he?” I know I have always pressed publish really fast. I know I have spent all day looking at the past. All the receipts. All the expenses. All the bounced checks. All the fees. All the parking in the wrong place tickets. Forward. Forward is a must.
Balance can never be achieved by trying to be balanced. It can’t. I think 3 years ago I started over. And its still a process. I felt it daily. I spent 5 months sitting still.
I spent a lot of time watching the white walls. And washing the night fall. Time after time. By Disneyland, of all places. Fireworks nightly. The best part. Selling cigarettes for quarters. Quarters for calls. And a long list of people to talk to.
No one wants to know everything about you. Maybe your spouse is that person and that seems like that sounds healthy. No one really needs to know everything about you.
However, why do we feel like no one understands us? I can talk a lot about stories. Some that have made this blog. More that are in video form, and even more that just live in this movie of a mind I have.
No one really needs to know it all. People that love you just want you to be around. They want you to last a really long time. I got to see my little nephews get big and grow up. Noah Kai and Jedidiah Sky. They are moving forward, too. You know?
I don’t have good grammar. I have worked more on pursuing good stories. Now, its a new season. Its fall. It is closer to the holidays. It is when everything gets darker, and colder. We are expected to be at our brightest.
How can you be, if no one knows you? I got out of that place. I was there for five months. It wasn’t a prison. It was freedom. It was pain facing. It was life changing.
It was better than riding the circuit. See, now that I am out its been harder to have boundaries. I don’t mean relational boundaries. Most of us have never figured that out.
You like someone and you share your heart, and your thoughts and then it doesn’t or it does work out. Is having boundaries related to how little you say or don’t say? And don’t people get mad at you when you hold and hide and don’t confide in them?
No one has to know everything. The Ruckus is going. It is continuance. It is a noise that will carry. Can’t we stare at love a little more? Can’t you stop chasing the wrong kind of noise? Love has to be the loudest noise you chase.
It will make you. Break you. Ruin you. It will start your day. It will flee those long nights.
Older. That’s you now. That is where you are at. Time just is what it is, but it can’t be controlled. It can’t go back on you, and you can’t go back on it. A new it. A new life. A new hole in the sky is here tonight, today, tomorrow. The Ruckus. That is any noise you can make. That is any commotion you can create. The Ruckus without love is, well, just getting older. Older without love is just age. And everyone dies, eventually.. Am I an age? Just 30. Almost 31. You got a lot left in you. I know you do.
You got a lot of time to make things right. To live right. To be anything more than just a number, an age. Be older. Be forward. Be the Ruckus. Cause I had five months, and that’s all you need sometimes.
I got to preach last month at our Sunday night service. Got to speak on Righteousness. It has been such a blessing being at New Life in Pomona. I love this place! Thank you Cody, Craig and Billy.
My mom has helped me so much over the years be more than just a default I need your help parent but has been my rock and my friend. Just like the into the light video this is the start of a series of videos tackling depression. My mom talks about what a parent can do. Filmed where it all went down in Laguna Niguel at Salt Creek beach.
I am new to daily life,
I am new to mundane
An expert at insane,
Lack of fruit for this
Cup I feel is never to
Lies in the cracks,
Lies in the backs that walk
Oh God, I have no answers for the futures that
Just kids play in the background–
I am weak in every way of the word,
I am on that couch again where you
Sit with me,
A couch family was rarely felt,
Its strips of rips of cloths of colors
Blurred blue now,
Embarased–for I can’t even spell it right,
Never did I like that house we lived in,
It was always shaking,
It was always faking its appearance upon
Me, mountain view behind us,
But heavy rocks upon us—
Where is wrath now?
Upon the world or in
The home? Safety was never
Found, church affairs, no one
Sees your family life, the way you
Use the knife with words to send
Your kids out the door, to tell your
Wife no more saying no to me,
I am the man, submit to me..
Just for fun here’s some meaning in this:
The song rollercoaster by the Bleachers..’come a little closer!’ Fruity Camper award at summer camp when I was 9 or ten years old so about 20 years ago. The fruit part was not a gay reference it was that I had a lot of Joy! It is sad now that certain upbeat emotions in a man get translated as the femininity that comes with being gay, instead of the idea that a man can be tender and cry and have a “feminine” side that is healthy in being a man. The idea of both genders misunderstanding these things has created division among the sexes. The Pizza parlor reference is about winter 2012 taking a Psychology class at Longview College and hanging out after class.
You’re a roller
You’re on the coast,
I am pushing the peddles
I am pushing the whittles of
Child with five skittles,
Oh how gay,
Oh now its Paraguay,
I can’t grow without you,
I don’t want to stretch without
You next to me–come a little closer,
Is love a choice without a risk,
Without a sacrifice–
I don’t say no anymore–
This head was made for thinking
But this life made for living–
You used to go to church,
Now you are still on the search
Pizza parlor in the winter, 36 hours
Later was the coldness of December–
Closer is a myth when their lives on regret-
To make a dent, to pay the rent, to keep the
Rubber on the road with love about to explode–
Your love is the heat, I am cold, I am up, I am
Steady aim, steady heart!
Middle hallway nights
Fights and flights to catch—
Frozen love, frozen pizza, frozen
Growth—radioactive was the adjective
Descriptions for the heavenly prescriptions
Needed to sleep still at night,
Carved my name with a pocketknife
Waiting up til midnight with the hallway
Lights—can’t take this anymore, gotta love
Better, gotta make due with what isn’t here
The earth is crying now, the earth is waiting now,
The earth will not fade away—
Middle is never here to settle like water
In the kettle, I am a burner kind of lover,
I am a blue kind of flame, is it gay to love your
Man friends? Loyal is now called gay—
Called find another way, called never show
Your affection for men don’t need it anyway—
Respect me, love me, touch me but don’t hold
Me! Middle affairs on the way to work over there—
Never satisfied with one size with one wife, with one
Women, with one home to live in—never better,
Never weather we could run away in—
Middle hallway talk, meet me halfway God whenever
I can’t even step one step, meet me when I cheat on You,
When I love the forgery affair where my affections stay
Carved like in a tree at night when those beach days ruled
Us anyway—carve Your name on my heart, may it never
Move away—in the middle, up above or ahead in the front