Steady

Just for fun here’s some meaning in this:

The song rollercoaster by the Bleachers..’come a little closer!’ Fruity Camper award at summer camp when I was 9 or ten years old so about 20 years ago. The fruit part was not a gay reference it was that I had a lot of Joy! It is sad now that certain upbeat emotions in a man get translated as the femininity that comes with being gay, instead of the idea that a man can be tender and cry and have a “feminine” side that is healthy in being a man. The idea of both genders misunderstanding these things has created division among the sexes. The Pizza parlor reference is about winter 2012 taking a Psychology class at Longview College and hanging out after class.

You’re a roller

You’re on the coast,

I am pushing the peddles

I am pushing the whittles of

Child with five skittles,

Fruity me,

Fruity camper,

Oh how gay,

Oh now its Paraguay,

I can’t grow without you,

I don’t want to stretch without

You next to me–come a little closer,

Is love a choice without a risk,

Without a sacrifice–

I don’t say no anymore–

This head was made for thinking

But this life made for living–

You used to go to church,

Now you are still on the search

Pizza parlor in the winter, 36 hours

Later was the coldness of December–

Closer is a myth when their lives on regret-

To make a dent, to pay the rent, to keep the

Rubber on the road with love about to explode–

Your love is the heat, I am cold, I am up, I am

Down,

Steady aim, steady heart!

The Middle

Middle hallway nights
Fights and flights to catch—
Frozen love, frozen pizza, frozen
Growth—radioactive was the adjective
Descriptions for the heavenly prescriptions
Needed to sleep still at night,
Carved my name with a pocketknife
Waiting up til midnight with the hallway
Lights—can’t take this anymore, gotta love
Better, gotta make due with what isn’t here
Yet—
The earth is crying now, the earth is waiting now,
The earth will not fade away—
Middle is never here to settle like water
In the kettle, I am a burner kind of lover,
I am a blue kind of flame, is it gay to love your
Man friends? Loyal is now called gay—
Called find another way, called never show
Your affection for men don’t need it anyway—
Respect me, love me, touch me but don’t hold
Me! Middle affairs on the way to work over there—
Never satisfied with one size with one wife, with one
Women, with one home to live in—never better,
Never weather we could run away in—
Middle hallway talk, meet me halfway God whenever
I can’t even step one step, meet me when I cheat on You,
When I love the forgery affair where my affections stay
Carved like in a tree at night when those beach days ruled
Us anyway—carve Your name on my heart, may it never
Move away—in the middle, up above or ahead in the front

Video Replay

Daily is a mystery

Forged in the mundane

Starved out in the rain—puddles of

Pain they passed out then—everything is

A movie played on replay,

I was once the seed,

Crafted before birth to

Carry the berth

Called it purpose before,

Called it wanting to explore

Call it love for more, never settled

Never satisfied—blood that is red,

Pain that is a guide always looking

For the wrong kind—how has one changed?

How does one gage it?

Seed to bread now ready to feed

‘The lips of the righteous feed many,’

The dead give every penny,

Every last mite, every last might,

Every last late night, every last part

Of the oil it takes in the toil it takes

To keep on giving—

This life is like a video played on replay—

Used to be shut in, used to be closed up,

Used to be in the crowd all the time—

But every last drop has been spilt,

Every last bit of You has been poured out—

Alive is the replay of the video mind you have

Given to me—

Shut in no longer, seed no longer,

Now something stronger,

Something of vinegar they gave You

On the edge of my sword I pierced You—

That man that suffered in the flesh

That stayed silent as He was defiant

Against the accusation—

Honor is a hollow tragedy no longer

Filled in with the story of glory You have

Written—

Bread is where I am, feeding on love

Instead, vultures are above, the sea is

Below filled in is hollow—

The shut in man has nowhere to run

Just stays on the run—

Facing it, facing the world, facing your life—

That is all it takes sometimes—

Let mercy be on replay

For this video of a life You have

Given me

Probably Not

Its been some time since I’ve explained meaning behind the prose. Of recent I’ve received a lot of new followers. I love and appreciate that a lot! I am really encouraged by the interaction with those in the wordpress world. Of any piece of writing style on this blog poetry has received the most attention.

This particular poem is putting together cynicism at the past and the body of Christ. The optimist in me believes in a lot of people and movements and my current church echoes of a cry for “revival!” But sometimes when you have heard one message with the same bullet points it becomes questionable not because of the information but because of the lack of transformation. Its mostly on me actually. Yes, leaders are accoutable more than “followers!” but who stands before the Judgment seat of Christ? How many parables point to leaders? Not many. Whether a wise virgin or a foolish one or whether you are a wheat or a tare or whether you are a coward and bury your talent in the sand we all stand before Christ. And its a one on one conversation.

How many things do we need to listen to that are not the bible. Maybe I am young but it seems like its a money maker to be “prophetic.” I have no interest in attending some flighty prophetic conference that will give a lot of words that I could have just googled. I am not picking a side or am in a position to criticize but what is the truth? And who is responsible for finding it out. ALL OF US. Its not on one person or one church or one leader. Its on you.

Sometimes there is no other way

Sidewalk chalk with His body on the pavement

Son of Man that made the payment,

Blood spilled dreams now fulfilled in You

Furiously free and never at ease,

Backyard talks with the sun free of charge,

Who am I without the tabernacle?

Who am I away from that place?

Blue floor turned to gray,

Millions that see it every day,

Trouble with your interpretation

For it seems like the only way to look

At things is the gnostic things,

The inner knowing from all the

Pressing, from all the dressing

Seems fake sometimes that no

One really has the answer,

Seems like a form cause there’s

Little power,

Fear of being wrong is worse

Then being right,

I am not young anymore,

I’ve hit the books like the rest

Of them,

I’ve hit the floor like the rest

Of them,

I’ve been through suffering

At the edge of dying,

At the piling up shame and

Regret,

Guilt has killed me worse then

Murder, worse then lust,

Worse than girls and going

Much to far—

Self righteous is a warning

From the man that had all

The sex and wisdom needed

To be a man,

False is not wrong information

But manipulation in the power

That you have  been given,

Gentiles know nothing of

Being Jewish and we might

Never know what it is like to

Be bombed at everyday,

Who’s right? Probably no

One—who’s wrong? Probably

Everything I say and think—

Who is worthy? Not me,

To even speak?

To even talk of Holy things?

To even say that prayer is always

The answer is as good as curing

Cancer—its not an answer when

Someone is suffering,

So I am sick of church

Sick of the seats,

Sick of the liars next

To me, sick of all the probably

Messengers that have nothing

To really say,

Sick of language that is

Perverse, that is false but

Dressed up like righteous.

Most of all I am sick of me,

Sick of fear,

Sick of regret

Sick of looking at the cross

And not being changed—

Worthy is a worthless

Word to a lazy man that

Will not live different

Worthless is a show in the

Name of being different

Worthless are the bullets that

They fire, for I will not accept

Another’s calling when I am

Standing before Him,

No one really will matter then

But how I treated the confusion

And the cynicism, that is the greatest

Test of all

Rewarder

Caffeine tower

Empty lighter

Cigarette full of empty

Something to say has always haunted me

Talker, fast walker, a use to be runner

Sunny side up on those eggs

Dark shadows like bags to carry

Roads real scary for those that want

No fear—worthy is a worthless word

Without the work of not being sure—

Effort is a slave to the peace it takes

To please You, never a yoke without

A stroke, never rest without nights of

Regret for time spent on paying rent—

Is money my curse when I don’t have

A purse to fill with empty pennies?

Questions with no answers is my cancer—

I will answer them in due time

But until then I will sacrifice

The caffeine, the sugar, the lean

And the fat and the news that You

Reward those who seek You, its in

Your hands—the rewards that You

Have

Extravangance

Extravagance like a lottery ticket

Pay you in full when I am done being dull

Alive as alive can be was never me—

A heart beats, a praise in the streets—

Dance or dirge until there is a purge from

Above—I have to many little excuses that have

Made one big problem—Are you good? Are you

For me? Is not living a tragedy? Heart bleeds, heart

Beats, flooded like when we were kids, like rain,

Like pain—slept on the floor for closer to the ground

Was a better kind of security, lowly was the King of Kings

But now I wait for a rearrange,

I carry pocket change,

A penny Savior, a Ramen flavor, a broken microwave

Of religious dreams—I saw the sun and remembered

When summer did cost something—

Extravagant lover, no more leftovers,

Poverty is on the inside, outer me says pretty

With no pain—I will not die today and live tomorrow—

Only extravagance can fuel this romance, can

Keep me going after you and the faces that reflect

You

Clouds To Sit Under

you know how to handle the clouds above
You, but the dirt is the flirt with you–
Its particles I build upon–
Storms come and storms go
But the bigger man gets more wind,
Gets more to rescind,
Gets more to comprehend–
Weather me a new story,
Give me the forecast
Do I have what will last?
I walk, I grow, I cry, I die slowly
More each day–I embrace the sunless
Moments and the sinless man above the
Clouds, riding them to help me,
Faithful is a few found man,
Love is profuse from the lips
Of the sincere, but who has walked
With fear, who has walked with crippled
Visions? Who has made it through disappointment–
Who has carved out a place for Him to rest His head–
Who has been me? Well, no one else,
Well, mirror mirror on the wall you add ten pounds
To me, you add what I cannot see–
For light is like crystal,
Like an apparition,
With a lack of light’s
Participation–I needed it when
It counted Your love unrequited!–
Now I wander,
Now I pander,
Now I have nothing else to offer
But a life and a love that I will
Not squander but their are clouds

To sit under, when their is still sister, brother

And mother to listen too-
To fail is to not try,
To not try is to not believe–
To not believe is to bury the talent–
To do this is to not live at all
To misunderstand kindness
And to replace it with
Stinginess–I will not despise
Your generosity no matter how
Much lies would come at me

Fragile

How fragile I am
In this crevice again
In the heat of the light
I barely seem to see,
how broken it can become
to stay numb at the dawn of
New things
Now I am still lost in these
church seats
Capitol hill stands still
Who can rule?
Who can reign?
Who can take away this
Pain–
Love like this, that kind that
takes over your mind,
That rules that which no one
else can take over–
I have space for someone,
For anyone who can return
And rerun the memories of
what it would never be like
without it–
Worthy is the man that
never did sin,
That never did give in,
That still said it would be
hard,
That felt it for us,
That took it upon Himself,
How fragile He was,
How broken He became,
How insane love is
That even fragile people
like us can carry Him in us–
Fire, flame, burn, burning,
Earning that love can never
Be given but wasting all my time
to get it, well, that is a cost I want
to be willing to–
Fragile is a gift
Poor is more
And that seems to be the
Most important thing right now

Fear Thoughts

Fear so friendly
Come up to know me,
Upon the waters you walked,
Deep in my soul it yearns for
Control, how can I ever not
Fear without being known,
It’s beauty is in front of me
Daily, those stares, those flares,
Those firework flares, empty docks,
No socks, fire from within never
Did get those who gave all,
Who gave up control,
Father, never stayed to long
Anyway, I won’t do that to the tribe
Of me, to the spawn of me,
To the dawn of me, to the many
I produce, for fruit is in this
Soil, oil in this lamp,
You are within all that I fear,
You are within the beauty
I long to see,
Fireworks can’t compare
To the stare of You,
Frail is me,
Braille is for me,
For I cannot see what you
Do not open,
Fear is not just a
Feeling, but a curse upon
This world, all it will do is death
Unless the fearless rise,
Unless fear becomes no more
Than just a phrase and a word

Alive

Out of my head
Is the led poison that got
Me here anyway,
Carried it but covered it
Up with that thing called
Be better, called work harder,
I cannot rest, daily beating my
Chest,
A life of nothing is my greatest
Fear, a life of favor without
Flavor, a dry and I dull life,
With nothing but a loveless
Proof of existence,
What is to gain through
All the pain? what is waste?
What is a dream and what is not
Reality?
Daily it seems to never go away
The thought of not wanting
To waste away,
Love for the lonely,
Empty is the way,
Death to pave the
Way for living forever,
It is written in me,
To not die so slowly,
Alive is the only place to
Live and to be!