It is a great excitement and a walk down memory lane to talk about the meaning behind the Ruckus Journal. The pause for me has been crafting the best way to say it on the About page and in the format of this blog. 2017 has marked 10 years for a few things and this blog is one of them. A decade of holding the tag ” Sitting in His presence is a great disturbance.”
I think writing( and all of us would agree) just happens to find its way back to personal and yet deeper then you would want at times stories. The constant run on sentence of connecting everything back to yourself. Its humorous at times and painful and tormenting to always bring it back to your life but usually it is because you are starting with you and ending with a vision for others. You mostly want to write because you want to make some kind of impact with what you say. And on, and on, this conversation could go.
Its 3:23am and I am in the craziest week ever only in the weird travel stuff happening stuff kind of way, so the better poem and this and the post called The Last Time have all been on this trip and this trip pretty much happened right next to Texas part 1 the end of July and in between was a wedding, and a wedding before that before that. So, don’t be surprised if this gets rearranged into something else. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you this. You ready?
Louder now and the Ruckus. Sitting in His Presence is a great disturbance. The idea that Ruckus is disturbing the peace, and making us uncomfortable is a constant reality. We are never called to expect a safe ride. And everyone has to wrestle with it. The Gospel in all its greatness is the least safest message around. The characters of the bible make the loudest Ruckus from the one that started the noise in the first place.
Why are we so afraid of failing at something we didn’t start? We are only here for a few reasons…
I will tell you more later but my disturbance is changing. I am holding back from being all that I can be. I am not joining the army but I am fighting the wars that are in front of me.
If I can be loud with meaning then I guess that would be some cymbals that aren’t annoying and less lovely to hear.
Paul is saying( Apostle Paul) that love is measured by the source of the prophecy and wisdom, the sacrifice of the person, This is a much longer series of writings to reflect. Because love is the center of everything pointing us to Christ.
I am louder because I want to be. I am in the process of staying loud about the right things. I did get the Homer Simpson award in the fifth grade but that was more me wanting attention and being loud as the class clown.
More to come. Getting older..
I have come to this place.
Like I was without volition,
Or any ambition.
I was the one that heard it from you first.
I did all that I could to try and listen.
You were just a beautiful kind of vision.
I said I would start working out for you,
I would start running for you.
Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?
So now I am in the volition,
I am on a day off still in ambition.
I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard
But it was because of the way I was raised.
I was raised for you to see,
All the shining parts of me.
I am in it now,
Waiting for this part to stay the stage,
To never wonder the next page,
I am the risk, and the wonder.
I am raised this way,
Raised in thunder and raised in rain…
Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”
I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.
That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.
Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.
I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.
Some things are still the same and everything else is not.
Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.
The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.
I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.
.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.
I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.
Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.
I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.
Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.
You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.
Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.
You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.
You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.
Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.
But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?
Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.