Steady

Just for fun here’s some meaning in this:

The song rollercoaster by the Bleachers..’come a little closer!’ Fruity Camper award at summer camp when I was 9 or ten years old so about 20 years ago. The fruit part was not a gay reference it was that I had a lot of Joy! It is sad now that certain upbeat emotions in a man get translated as the femininity that comes with being gay, instead of the idea that a man can be tender and cry and have a “feminine” side that is healthy in being a man. The idea of both genders misunderstanding these things has created division among the sexes. The Pizza parlor reference is about winter 2012 taking a Psychology class at Longview College and hanging out after class.

You’re a roller

You’re on the coast,

I am pushing the peddles

I am pushing the whittles of

Child with five skittles,

Fruity me,

Fruity camper,

Oh how gay,

Oh now its Paraguay,

I can’t grow without you,

I don’t want to stretch without

You next to me–come a little closer,

Is love a choice without a risk,

Without a sacrifice–

I don’t say no anymore–

This head was made for thinking

But this life made for living–

You used to go to church,

Now you are still on the search

Pizza parlor in the winter, 36 hours

Later was the coldness of December–

Closer is a myth when their lives on regret-

To make a dent, to pay the rent, to keep the

Rubber on the road with love about to explode–

Your love is the heat, I am cold, I am up, I am

Down,

Steady aim, steady heart!

Think Tank

I can’t think in the think tank

Shark fangs and wolf fins

Aren’t we just animals if we

Had no hearts? Gold and glitter

And strips of those memories—furiously

In love with distraction,

But I see yellow on your face,

I see that you want bright to set

You right—city of dreams, city

Of sun, city of humid, find me a cupid,

Call me stupid for looking for acceptance—

Dark and light is the final fight

I am wrong about being right

I am wrong about trusting everything

You hear, I am far away from the closest

Place I could ever be,

Ever be, ever be next to me,

I am burning up and the tightrope

Is giving up, park nights, angry fights,

Another mother sacrificed again,

Another lover disappeared again,

Another day to write it anew,

All I know is mercy for it has

Made me thirsty—think tank

No more, thoughts now hit the floor—

Shark fangs for that sin that so easily

Splits me—think tank no more of a prank

Than a set-up—my thoughts need You

Rewarder

Caffeine tower

Empty lighter

Cigarette full of empty

Something to say has always haunted me

Talker, fast walker, a use to be runner

Sunny side up on those eggs

Dark shadows like bags to carry

Roads real scary for those that want

No fear—worthy is a worthless word

Without the work of not being sure—

Effort is a slave to the peace it takes

To please You, never a yoke without

A stroke, never rest without nights of

Regret for time spent on paying rent—

Is money my curse when I don’t have

A purse to fill with empty pennies?

Questions with no answers is my cancer—

I will answer them in due time

But until then I will sacrifice

The caffeine, the sugar, the lean

And the fat and the news that You

Reward those who seek You, its in

Your hands—the rewards that You

Have

Fear Thoughts

Fear so friendly
Come up to know me,
Upon the waters you walked,
Deep in my soul it yearns for
Control, how can I ever not
Fear without being known,
It’s beauty is in front of me
Daily, those stares, those flares,
Those firework flares, empty docks,
No socks, fire from within never
Did get those who gave all,
Who gave up control,
Father, never stayed to long
Anyway, I won’t do that to the tribe
Of me, to the spawn of me,
To the dawn of me, to the many
I produce, for fruit is in this
Soil, oil in this lamp,
You are within all that I fear,
You are within the beauty
I long to see,
Fireworks can’t compare
To the stare of You,
Frail is me,
Braille is for me,
For I cannot see what you
Do not open,
Fear is not just a
Feeling, but a curse upon
This world, all it will do is death
Unless the fearless rise,
Unless fear becomes no more
Than just a phrase and a word

Alive

Out of my head
Is the led poison that got
Me here anyway,
Carried it but covered it
Up with that thing called
Be better, called work harder,
I cannot rest, daily beating my
Chest,
A life of nothing is my greatest
Fear, a life of favor without
Flavor, a dry and I dull life,
With nothing but a loveless
Proof of existence,
What is to gain through
All the pain? what is waste?
What is a dream and what is not
Reality?
Daily it seems to never go away
The thought of not wanting
To waste away,
Love for the lonely,
Empty is the way,
Death to pave the
Way for living forever,
It is written in me,
To not die so slowly,
Alive is the only place to
Live and to be!

Longing With

All I have wanted you
Have kept from me,
Living like a child,
Living as wild as can be,
I am the love,
With the money they would
Throw at me,
These beats,
These streets,
These crafty eats,
Heart is dull,
The blood of the bull
Cannot erase this pain
I am in,
It has stayed with me to long this
Hope of a perfect future, of a forever
Kind of prosperity that will stay with me–
Empty is this stomach,
For hunger is required for
A life that is burning on fire

Fall

On the stool again
A fool again
A sincere hooligan
Love has gripped me,
Listless from the lists
That I have made from
The songs I have sung,
To fall again,
To love the things you have
Made for me to love,
To feel the pleasure of
Holy treasure,
It’s a sour thing to hate
Everything, for man is naked
Man is ashamed of this pleasure
Thing, the scars of those basement
Days, of the Star Wars things,
The memory of all that has been
Erased,
Replaced by truth is the only
Proof of a changed life,
The proof of love is the
Only evidence of faith,
So fall again,
Into those arms again,
In that autumn wind,
I have no seasons in the light,
Or at night,
Fall again

Tragedy

A car to get to you
A freeway adventure
A new golden denture
A new smile from the deeper
Parts of you, that life you have
Lived and given back to be
Forgiven,
I am a lover, I am a fighter
I am the inheritor, walls from
A child like me that lived
To entertain the crowd that has
Walked real loud,
I am making a noise,
Losing my poise,
I am always afraid of
The beauty You display,
Creation in Your grip,
You took it, better than a
Caped crusader, voice like
Darth Vadar,
Only one risen has risen
Out for me,
Death to the hell that follows
A life giver like the one you
Made me to be,
Too much medicine
Has coaxed the lesion
Upon these sleeves,
Pain is wonderful, the hurt
As a counselor,
The hope of the comforter,
It’s Your smell I can’t
Get rid of,
Tragedy is living for death
When life is taking place,
One love is the love You
Offer, perfect father

Shadow Power

Had a shadow
Had a crowd
Yes I am loud but
I am afraid,
Voice raised and eternal
Praise, sold planners for
Better dinners, a mulled over
Mule he was, living dull but
More like a shadow that has
Not left,
Immaturity follows the image
Of me, from afar are those
Looks You give, longer
And softer is the love
That outweighs the weather,
I am called upon to change
History, the story of what was
Written for me,
Shadow power
Come to me,
Dead to rise when I
Walk past them,
Show me again and to
Them just how good you are

Capacity

Everlasting at 4am
Eternal weeping,
Tears of anger
For a baby to become a
Man, upon Yourself You
Took it, I am in this ticket
For two, movie theater lights
And brights that try to comfort
Me, I am the usher with no
Flashlight, I am up all night,
Cops verse the cape and
There is still an ache,
Bus pass around this broken
City, they line up for it weekly,
Those who want no mercy,
Thirsty the poor man says for
Just a little relief,
For unbelief is the currency
Of heaven,
Walking in the Son,
Shadow power is in
My grasp, I waste my life
Just to ask for authority,
Instead I have constant agony,
Death to this thing called
Volition, called final election,
I am in need of capacity,
To contain, to obtain a new
Promise, problems with power,
Poor is more,
Death must follow a life fully
In love