The Change

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,
Pulled up to the front,
Burning in a rut,
Stuck on some structure you never gave,
And a new life,
I have to cave,
And go back,
Again,
To hyped up nights on the edge,
To find some lights to follow,
While the dark could swallow.
3 years later, we are still at it,
I mean a longer list that you have made,
At the top was the love that we lost,
And the hype around this thing called
Forever,
I got stuck,
Stuck in different beds
In different nights,
In the same kind of fight.
All I’ve known is the road,
And tires,
And mysteries,
And darkness,
And hotels with no
Windows,
And all the while I was
Caved in..
Not better,
Not worse,
Not the same,
Not the blame.
But now I am different,
Now I am shallow,
Now I am out of the hallow
They name,
And into something else
You claim..
I am into not being the same,
And forever change.
I got a longer list rolling around in my
Mind,
A longer list of all the things that I need
To change.

Day #55 – Morning After

This was Mid November thoughts..going backwards to early September

Morning after,

Fountain, is what I am after..

This was day #1,

I was thirsty, not for water,

But carefully,

For mercy.

It was clogged up, and a place to stop,

And sit in.

I was pandering in the fountains..

The place I thought I lost You carried

Me across.

Nights have been long under sweating and panting,

The deer in the stream,

So where is fear?

Is it here?

Every time we get past September,

We find October,

The month of winter,

The month of darker,

The month of sliver.

I am carried away into the

Morning, and I am looking,

Wondering, asking for the after.

So, where is fear?

Is it here?

Part 1

I have come to this place.

Like I was without volition,

Or any ambition.

I was the one that heard it from you first.

I did all that I could to try and listen.

You were just a beautiful kind of vision.

I said I would start working out for you,

I would start running for you.

Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?

So now I am in the volition,

I am on a day off still in ambition.

I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard

But it was because of the way I was raised.

I was raised for you to see,

All the shining parts of me.

I am in it now,

Waiting for this part to stay the stage,

To never wonder the next page,

I am the risk, and the wonder.

I am raised this way,

Raised in thunder and raised in rain…

Day 2

I am making it up as I go,

Cause everytime I wake up I just know,

I started to script it out,

I started to sort it out,

All the things I’ve learned for You,

All the things I chose not to do,

All the memories to cling to,

I told night 1 to stay in the run,

To stay in the walk,

To walk with the chalk,

To right it write,

And to step into destiny.

You raised me for free,

But is has costed everything

To survive,

To edge on it,

To swerve with it.

We all fall apart,

And I am still picking up your

Pieces,

I can’t make it up as I go,

Because I go,

I wonder the slow,

I wonder the wall that

Stands tall,

It stays within,

The day to begin.

I am the castle,

I am sinking in it,

Deeper now,

I am up, I am day

2, I am in, I am in the blue,

Clear and ready,

Sinking sweetly,

I know you are out there,

Ready to raise me,

To raise me again.

Sermon At My Church

I got to preach last month at our Sunday night service. Got to speak on Righteousness. It has been such a blessing being at New Life in Pomona. I love this place! Thank you Cody, Craig and Billy.

Steady

Just for fun here’s some meaning in this:

The song rollercoaster by the Bleachers..’come a little closer!’ Fruity Camper award at summer camp when I was 9 or ten years old so about 20 years ago. The fruit part was not a gay reference it was that I had a lot of Joy! It is sad now that certain upbeat emotions in a man get translated as the femininity that comes with being gay, instead of the idea that a man can be tender and cry and have a “feminine” side that is healthy in being a man. The idea of both genders misunderstanding these things has created division among the sexes. The Pizza parlor reference is about winter 2012 taking a Psychology class at Longview College and hanging out after class.

You’re a roller

You’re on the coast,

I am pushing the peddles

I am pushing the whittles of

Child with five skittles,

Fruity me,

Fruity camper,

Oh how gay,

Oh now its Paraguay,

I can’t grow without you,

I don’t want to stretch without

You next to me–come a little closer,

Is love a choice without a risk,

Without a sacrifice–

I don’t say no anymore–

This head was made for thinking

But this life made for living–

You used to go to church,

Now you are still on the search

Pizza parlor in the winter, 36 hours

Later was the coldness of December–

Closer is a myth when their lives on regret-

To make a dent, to pay the rent, to keep the

Rubber on the road with love about to explode–

Your love is the heat, I am cold, I am up, I am

Down,

Steady aim, steady heart!

Rewarder

Caffeine tower

Empty lighter

Cigarette full of empty

Something to say has always haunted me

Talker, fast walker, a use to be runner

Sunny side up on those eggs

Dark shadows like bags to carry

Roads real scary for those that want

No fear—worthy is a worthless word

Without the work of not being sure—

Effort is a slave to the peace it takes

To please You, never a yoke without

A stroke, never rest without nights of

Regret for time spent on paying rent—

Is money my curse when I don’t have

A purse to fill with empty pennies?

Questions with no answers is my cancer—

I will answer them in due time

But until then I will sacrifice

The caffeine, the sugar, the lean

And the fat and the news that You

Reward those who seek You, its in

Your hands—the rewards that You

Have

Extravangance

Extravagance like a lottery ticket

Pay you in full when I am done being dull

Alive as alive can be was never me—

A heart beats, a praise in the streets—

Dance or dirge until there is a purge from

Above—I have to many little excuses that have

Made one big problem—Are you good? Are you

For me? Is not living a tragedy? Heart bleeds, heart

Beats, flooded like when we were kids, like rain,

Like pain—slept on the floor for closer to the ground

Was a better kind of security, lowly was the King of Kings

But now I wait for a rearrange,

I carry pocket change,

A penny Savior, a Ramen flavor, a broken microwave

Of religious dreams—I saw the sun and remembered

When summer did cost something—

Extravagant lover, no more leftovers,

Poverty is on the inside, outer me says pretty

With no pain—I will not die today and live tomorrow—

Only extravagance can fuel this romance, can

Keep me going after you and the faces that reflect

You

Alive

Out of my head
Is the led poison that got
Me here anyway,
Carried it but covered it
Up with that thing called
Be better, called work harder,
I cannot rest, daily beating my
Chest,
A life of nothing is my greatest
Fear, a life of favor without
Flavor, a dry and I dull life,
With nothing but a loveless
Proof of existence,
What is to gain through
All the pain? what is waste?
What is a dream and what is not
Reality?
Daily it seems to never go away
The thought of not wanting
To waste away,
Love for the lonely,
Empty is the way,
Death to pave the
Way for living forever,
It is written in me,
To not die so slowly,
Alive is the only place to
Live and to be!