My Depression, Part 2( Old Post)

On April 16, 2020 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITING, Relationships, RELIGION, Righteousness, Ruckus1 Comment

I wrote an article back in January about how I have been dealing with depression. This season of life has been one of the hardest in a long time. I am now on my 8th month of feeling depressed and not stable. A week ago I was at the end of my stay in the hospital and 2 weeks ago I did a short stay in a psychiatric emergency room. Facebook has always been a place where people vent and sometime vomit their personal opinions but can also feel like no one is really being real with what is going on inside of them. I am seeking to comfort those who are afflicted with depression by sharing my own struggles.

I have been lacking the motivation to do all things that need to be done for me to live a normal life. Everything has been hard and my dark thoughts have been harder to fight each and everyday. It feels like instead of taking it one day at at time that I am taking it one hour at at time.

Here is what I am learning. Some main truths to hold onto.

#1 I need to TRUST in the Lord with all my heart.

It is easy to talk about trusting God when things are going your way but what about when we really feel like we can’t feel or see Him. I have broken down TRUST to mean:

Totality- it is all our heart we are called to give and all of our life we are called to lay down. Depression wants to steal the wholehearted commitment we have for God.

Righteousness- walking in the truth that we are the righteousness of Christ, and we can’t earn that. It is part of walking as a new creation. Depression steals and kills these simple truths and pulls us away from them.

Understanding- Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way acknowledge Him. I am learning to not lean on my own understanding especially when it comes to taking medications and having to depend on the help of doctor’s. I don’t have to understand everything going on around me or in me but He wants to lean on Him.

Sacrifice- Trusting Him means we sacrifice our will and our ideas and our strategy and lay that down to know His will even more. Depression steals you away from real sacrifice and makes everything about what you aren’t doing and where you aren’t seeing Him in your life.

Together- Trusting Him for real friendships and relationships. Having this in our life makes all the difference. Depression isolates you from connection and without connection you lack purpose and without purpose you lack hope and hope makes us come alive and walk in Joy on the inside.

#2- I need people. I have been reaching out to everyone I know asking for prayer in this time. It has forced me to walk in humility over my situation. People are needed in my life to pull me through. I think of the passage in Luke 5 when the paralyzed man needs people to pull him closer to the feet of Jesus. It seems like it wasn’t just his friends that helped lift him over the roof but it was also and could have been random people that are around. Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. It leaves us venerable and in need and that need comes out when we are asking others to pray for us. My church every Sunday morning does a call for those that are hurting and need prayer. I have been raising my hand every week asking for prayer. I am texting people everyday updating them on how I am doing. I need people.

#3- The bigger perspective. Life is short and flies by. Often you see a theme in movies and shows where characters are asking hard questions about themselves and their story. It comes down to living a life without regret. Taking chances. Having faith. Finding love. Losing love but to the point that it doesn’t lose you. Depression has been making me feel like this is it for me. That I am going to struggle this way forever and it can’t really get that much better even though I spent the worst year of my life in 2013 to then having the best 6 years of life to follow. Can I really get back to that place of feeling stable like I did for 6 years? This feeling of depression can’t last forever.

#4 Trusting doctor’s. I have never been in the doctor’s office so much and in touch with my psychiatrist. This hard time has forced me to trust in the medical process especially with changes to medications that have been happening. It has forced me to trust my doctor on a whole new level.

I hope this post brings encouragement to you. If you are someone struggling with bipolar or depression ask for prayer and help from those around you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

Interlude- Body

On July 11, 2019 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAIN, PALM TREES, PAST REMAINS, philosophize, PIECES OF WRITING, POEMS, Poetry, POPCULTURE, PRAYER, Ventura Boulevard, Why did I just write that?Leave a comment

Body of yours,
This life of poise,
This world of noise.
This place I cover,
This place I hover,
Anger you stored up,
Wrath for the hungry,
Treasures for the lonely,
Are you telling me to stop,
Or are you telling me to stay?

Body of yours,
White and pale,
Snow and hail,
Rain and reign,
Are you still king?
Are you still the rearrange?

Cause we never had furniture,
Cause we worried about future,
Cause we needed new furniture,
Cause we can’t change future.

Seated on us,
Seated within us,
This life is poise,
This world of noise,
I am crying out and loud,
Time is going by,
Time is flying by,
Are you still as loud as you used to be?

Is noise what we need,
Or are you louder than you should be,
Is noise what you reign on in the rain,
Is this the last time I talk about things
I don’t do.

Tell me,
Body,
Body expand,
Body of land,
Don’t let this body fall apart.

DISconnect

On February 14, 2019 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITINGLeave a comment

Why is your world so full of empty connections? Or, none whatsoever. If I lead off this thought assuming no one is connecting with you most would read and agree, then possibly stop reading because what’s so new about that thought? Is this a day before Valentine’s Day post? No, it isn’t.

Full and wholesome talk that starts with and ends with being human. The longer life continues the less and less you care about what you call ‘ petty’ things, and the more you crave real relationship and connection with people. I have had this obsession at the beginning of each year to finish all the books that I started reading the year before. I have had this goal at the start of the year for the past 10 years( at least), and now I have a long list of books that have gone unfinished. I have a pile of unread books, and a larger pile of guilt that sounds like regret for not finishing things I start.

However, when I get down and think about it I discover something I have known for a while..what is more important..the goal itself or the actual information you take with you into the next thing.

I connect with books. I connect with a level of knowledge but it fades away. I don’t repeat lessons learned when I read Wild At Heart in 2004. I find myself trying to remember current books and information.

Is this about books, or about something else? Life is full of unread books and unfinished goals. It is also full of shallow relationships of disconnect. Yet, year after year it piles up. Who knows you( is that a long list), and who doesn’t( a pile of unfinished books).

It can’t all be about everyone knowing you just like it can’t all be about finishing every book you pick up, but finishing something and sticking with it can be the most helpful way to stay healthy.

This is not a sad post on what Valentine’s Day should be about. Really, that is for tomorrow if I decide to write something on love, or the lack thereof. This life is meant for a connection. Raw and real and time to heal, but don’t let it pile up. Don’t let your disconnect pile up. Books can be thrown away and burned and bought again. Books are movies made now like Farenheit 411( and you still get the message) knowledge is power and so is freedom. People are not a pile to hide in the corner, people are asking for some real love, and a real connection.

Flow with me here..is this the start of a lot of thoughts?

The Change

On January 28, 2019 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, airports, BIRTHDAYS, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, CULTUREPOP, DAILY LIFE, DEPRESSION, Discussions, FAMILY, HighSchool, Hollywood, HOW TO, Hunger and thirst, Jesus, Mental Health, MILESTONES, MIND AND BRAIN, PALM TREES, PIECES OF WRITING, POEMS, Poetry, POPCULTURELeave a comment

We write our New Year’s resolutions but we had them all along. Each year is progress…

I got a long list rolling around in the back of my mind,

Pulled up to the front,

Burning in a rut,

Stuck on some structure you never gave,

And a new life,

I have to cave,

And go back,

Again,

To hyped up nights on the edge,

To find some lights to follow,

While the dark could swallow.

3 years later, we are still at it,

I mean a longer list that you have made,

At the top was the love that we lost,

And the hype around this thing called

Forever,

I got stuck,

Stuck in different beds

In different nights,

In the same kind of fight.

All I’ve known is the road,

And tires,

And mysteries,

And darkness,

And hotels with no

Windows,

And all the while I was

Caved in..

Not better,

Not worse,

Not the same,

Not the blame.

But now I am different,

Now I am shallow,

Now I am out of the hallow

They name,

And into something else

You claim..

I am into not being the same,

And forever change.

I got a longer list rolling around in my

Mind,

A longer list of all the things that I need

To change.

Starting things to finish

On October 6, 2018 By jareddiehl88In California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, DAILY LIFE, PIECES OF WRITINGLeave a comment

Corner Bakery.

No. That was the last time.

The last time was April.

Why are you finishing things,

Or why not?

Is this is the start of motivation?

Or is new the newest revelation?

Old things like Scripture,

Like worship,

Like the Ancient of Days?

Like words that have no action,

Or actions that have no finishing.

I am not ready to make the explanation,

I am just living in the revelation.

I’m here to worship.

Depraved and soulless,

Or lowest of all..just not in

Your presence.

Are you the starting one?

But You are the finisher?

The author..

You made the time,

And this time will be spent

On starting things,

And rearranging them too.

I am starting something..stirring too..celebrating 11 years solid and true..

Been tossed around and more often than not beaten down too..

By mind, by world, by me, by You, by her, by them,

By all the things that have been started.

This is not finished. It can’t be.

Day #44 – Hold One

On October 2, 2018 By jareddiehl88In 60 Days of Poetry, California, DAILY LIFE, PIECES OF WRITING, Poetry, RuckusLeave a comment

August 2nd,

Woke up in the aftermath,

In the back from wrath,

In the late night sun

Of things not being won.

Here is a list,

A long one too,

Of all the things you said you were

Going to do..

How can I go far,

And love at it too,

Are you the same,

Are you never tame?

New places I wanted,

You to take me,

But if fear is love then

Then fearful I am.

The Leave On

On December 19, 2017December 27, 2017 By jareddiehl88In ADDICTION, California, CHURCH, Community, DAILY LIFE, Kingdom Of God, LIFE, Los Angeles, LOVE, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITING, POEMS, Poetry, Series PoetryLeave a comment

*This is a series..here’s part 3..

Still the strangest of things,

Had to take a break from it.

Living like the upside was never

Down,

Living like you were the one leaving

This town,

Like I packed away that leave on,

You know you got to get on,

Get on your way now.

I was looking for the satisfy,

For the reason why,

For the deeper conversations

We could have had.

I got good,

When it was bad.

I got bad when it could

Have been good,

Showing up later on Ya,

Showing up all showered up.

This is that kind of thing I don’t

Want to write about,

I needed you now

I needed the shout.

I needed this to be all

About that.

I needed you to leave,

I wanted you to stay.

Don’t unplug, you see,

Don’t unplug like that TV.

Don’t start going down,

Like the basement is there.

Like it won’t get far from near.

Get good on me,

Get bad no more,

Can’t break that,

Can’t cap that salary.

Get the leave on,

Or stay stuck here with me.

#29: Digging Again

On May 14, 2016May 15, 2016 By jareddiehl88In 3415612, California, CHRSTIAN LIVING, CHURCH, Community, Culture, DAILY LIFE, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITING, POEMS, Poetry, POPCULTURE, PRAYERLeave a comment

I really would like to try to explain the meanings behind the last 30 days, but I will say a few themes that have been on my mind that have been expressed in these 60 days.

One theme is working. It is the idea of a right or wrong view of work. When I am talking about the rig and digging and this language of living on a farm it is a combination of the language of scripture and also a reality of life. So many issues that the Millenial’s have is rooted in this notion that working is not a part of life. No one really would ever say that but the forced reality of having to work hard does invade rather then persuade.

When you are forced to grow up you do grow up, but it is not as productive as we would think it would be. However, when vision takes a hold of your life and you gain a YES perspective to life( comes from God) then things start to change.

To the writer’s and the creative people. It is time just to do it. You have your process and you feel like it never stops( lol..me too) but you don’t need to spend more time talking about your desire to write stories or make films; or, do a lot of things that revolve around telling a story that can and will touch those around you.

Digging Again into the vision for your life. 2 Cor. 1:19-22.

¹⁹For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas^[c] and Timothy—was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” ²⁰For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. ²¹Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, ²²set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

60 Days of Poetry..

Digging Again

Left it at the edge of the driveway

When the sun never did fade away,

When the shade would have stayed longer,

When shorter for the winter would have been much

Better,

The rig called home,

Called a safety zone,

Called none more of trying to

Be known,

Called now or never we will

Live forever,

The better of the endeavor,

The inventor of clever,

The morning by morning of a lover,

Asked for power,

Asked for a better shovel,

For a better way to dig past the

Crap that keeps me from You,

Everything they ever said,

For the reasons why you could

Live dead,

I really do want to live

And it is isn’t a question mark,

But rather a starting stark of

A contrast, of a constant life

Of brightness,

Digging again,

Down deep past everything I have

Ever known,

Do I abide?

Do I really just run and hide?

Wrongly or in His shade,

In His blade of a grass field

I could sit in,

Or is running the best of the slipping

Away life?

Sun has just come up now,

And I am ready for the life of

Light that is my eternal right

Dig again,

To get deep again,

To let everything else fade

That isn’t His shade,

Hide in God,

And dig in, again

I Listen

On September 20, 2014 By jareddiehl88In CHRSTIAN LIVING, Culture, FAMILY, Hunger and thirst, ihop, Kingdom Of God, MIND AND BRAIN, PIECES OF WRITING, Poetry, PRAYERLeave a comment

Deletion from those
Download exceptions,
Texted and invested,
Favoring the words You
Have said, all night was the
Heart rate target, up with the sun
Of the sin to follow in a hollow
Life I was living, I have no
Wineskin, no place to put this
Sin, all those beats that drop,
All those voices that get real close,
I have to delete what could never
Be this present moment,
Freeway addiction,
Tar prediction,
Car syndication to the
Beat of the time
That wastes away at
Me, you are all that embodies
Just empty memories,
Hospital gown, golden crown,
Death in those nails,
Love will cost everything
So now is not the time to waste
What won’t waste if you listen,
If you pay attention,
I listen, love is the final
Fight, engage with it,
Do not quit

THE RUCKUS JOURNAL

Category: PIECES OF WRITING