Surrender

Forgetting to remember 

How to surrender,

Counting til November 

When life is older,

Wanna go further 

But I can’t stay sober.

Falling asleep to 

Falling in my dreams.

Trying to find you in the 

Wind, 

Forgot what its like

To win.

Everything keeps blowing

As everyone keeps going,

Can’t let anyone know,

That you want to be

Known.

Older but still afraid.

This bed is never made,

Lost in the shade,

Underneath your 

Wrath,

Can’t get past the
Past.

Bloodstains close

To the floor,

Notes about

Departure 

Close to the 

Door.

I’ve gotten you

All wrong,

No one here

Wants to

Last long.

You had nothing to offer

But money to offer 

As an offering,

We always showed

Up but we never

Learned how to 

Grow up.

The pulpit is the culprit

And anything you say

Goes.

You wanna know what my 

Heart is about,

But inside it is a 

Drought.

I am listless over

Making lists

About the changes

You never made.

I used to have fire 

Way back then,

Now we keep going 

Back to those days 

Called then,

You don’t want

Those good times 

To end but

All your friends

Have friends

And being alone

Never ends.

I can’t let it go 

All those things you 

Did in the snow.

Love wasn’t felt,

The water would 

Melt,

Is your name a

River,

Cause you are the 

Giver,

And no one here

Knows Your 

Future.

Calling it out,

All the times

We doubt,

Heart is a little

Broken,

And that is

Certain.

Used to have fire,

Now we get coffee

And talk about

Desire.

You moved away,

But you never

Got away from

All the thoughts

I think about you,

We let you stay 

Around for free,

But your anger

Was a tragedy.

Still talking like a kid,

All those things you 

Said but never did.

Still losing the thrills

Cause I keep taking

Your pills,

Will try to remember

What it will be like

To surrender,

This land is your 

Land.

I know about love

But I forget about
Mercy.

If I forget the past,

I trust You will 

Make this life last.

Another Night

Won’t be the last night

I try to do right,

Got you as a memory,

Close to me,

Was it love,

Or just your body?

How many months

Are you gonna keep

It like this?

Do you like

Being liked after

Midnight,

Burning the miles

To find a way to

You,

Are you low on

Being alone,

Are you tired of

That home,

Piles of things

You can’t let

Go of,

Things to move

Out of the way,

Why are you

Like this,

Is the night

Soulless,

Do you want

Another night

To get it right?

Will this be the last time

Around,

Or do you like the hollow

Ground? 

I’ve tried to say no,

And a little of the
Let go,

But I can’t let

You know,

I don’t know how to go slow,

I am listless

Over making lists,

Changes and things 

To rearrange,

Or the sound I make

When I stay the same,

The last time I saw you

I was leaving,

And you were

Believing

In all I was 

Saying,

I can’t love you today,

That’s on the shelf,

I can’t sleep next to you

Any day, and anyway

Are you the one,

Or is this done?

This won’t be the last night

That I call you to get it right,

I miss the things you never

Did say,

Now I am a lover but I am 

In the way,

Lost in the sound of 

The hollow ground,

Cause soon enough

You will have had enough

And you will forget that love

For you was on my lips,

If I say you will stay,

And is that what you 

Want, another night

Where its this way?

Lying Still

Lying still,

Are you still?

This had to come to

An end,

Are you still my friend?

Are we fading into each other?

What about my future?

Am I insane cause I keep

Doing the same old things,

Making your phone ring,

Lip syncing when you

Sing,

Are you out and staying out?

Is your hair getting there,

Is it gray?

Is this fall,

And are you tall,

Or nowhere at all? 

I am lying still and I can feel,

Something that used to fade,

Something that will be made.

Am I Joy when you call?

Why do you keep asking

If I am happy?

Are you the same,

Or have you changed?

I scroll down,

Are you in town,

Is this a thing all over again,

When you get done with it,

Are you having a fit,

Or do you want to skip

This closeness,

Things were bigger

When they weren’t better,

Now I am a little bitter,

And we should skip over

October, cause that’s when

You were here to stay,

I lye down here,

Same places you were to,

I got a flame and it is not 

Tame.

I If lye down, still

What will you do,

Where will you be,

Will you be thinking 

Of Me?

My Depression, Part 2( Old Post)

I wrote an article back in January about how I have been dealing with depression. This season of life has been one of the hardest in a long time. I am now on my 8th month of feeling depressed and not stable. A week ago I was at the end of my stay in the hospital and 2 weeks ago I did a short stay in a psychiatric emergency room. Facebook has always been a place where people vent and sometime vomit their personal opinions but can also feel like no one is really being real with what is going on inside of them. I am seeking to comfort those who are afflicted with depression by sharing my own struggles.
I have been lacking the motivation to do all things that need to be done for me to live a normal life. Everything has been hard and my dark thoughts have been harder to fight each and everyday. It feels like instead of taking it one day at at time that I am taking it one hour at at time.
Here is what I am learning. Some main truths to hold onto.
#1 I need to TRUST in the Lord with all my heart.
It is easy to talk about trusting God when things are going your way but what about when we really feel like we can’t feel or see Him. I have broken down TRUST to mean:
Totality- it is all our heart we are called to give and all of our life we are called to lay down. Depression wants to steal the wholehearted commitment we have for God.
Righteousness- walking in the truth that we are the righteousness of Christ, and we can’t earn that. It is part of walking as a new creation. Depression steals and kills these simple truths and pulls us away from them.
Understanding- Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way acknowledge Him. I am learning to not lean on my own understanding especially when it comes to taking medications and having to depend on the help of doctor’s. I don’t have to understand everything going on around me or in me but He wants to lean on Him.
Sacrifice- Trusting Him means we sacrifice our will and our ideas and our strategy and lay that down to know His will even more. Depression steals you away from real sacrifice and makes everything about what you aren’t doing and where you aren’t seeing Him in your life.
Together- Trusting Him for real friendships and relationships. Having this in our life makes all the difference. Depression isolates you from connection and without connection you lack purpose and without purpose you lack hope and hope makes us come alive and walk in Joy on the inside.
#2- I need people. I have been reaching out to everyone I know asking for prayer in this time. It has forced me to walk in humility over my situation. People are needed in my life to pull me through. I think of the passage in Luke 5 when the paralyzed man needs people to pull him closer to the feet of Jesus. It seems like it wasn’t just his friends that helped lift him over the roof but it was also and could have been random people that are around. Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. It leaves us venerable and in need and that need comes out when we are asking others to pray for us. My church every Sunday morning does a call for those that are hurting and need prayer. I have been raising my hand every week asking for prayer. I am texting people everyday updating them on how I am doing. I need people.
#3- The bigger perspective. Life is short and flies by. Often you see a theme in movies and shows where characters are asking hard questions about themselves and their story. It comes down to living a life without regret. Taking chances. Having faith. Finding love. Losing love but to the point that it doesn’t lose you. Depression has been making me feel like this is it for me. That I am going to struggle this way forever and it can’t really get that much better even though I spent the worst year of my life in 2013 to then having the best 6 years of life to follow. Can I really get back to that place of feeling stable like I did for 6 years? This feeling of depression can’t last forever.
#4 Trusting doctor’s. I have never been in the doctor’s office so much and in touch with my psychiatrist. This hard time has forced me to trust in the medical process especially with changes to medications that have been happening. It has forced me to trust my doctor on a whole new level.
I hope this post brings encouragement to you. If you are someone struggling with bipolar or depression ask for prayer and help from those around you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

Day #47 – Been Here

August 13th

I have been here before,

Climbing was never new,

Neither was trying to find You,

Rose early,

Was Monday,

Was day after Sunday,

Crashes were the past,

Were the out last,

Vegas was just the day,

Was just the way,

Tired was really the only way,

A burn,

And the earn,

Where are you standing now?

Are you on fire, again?

Cause I had to send the message,

And ask for the massage,

When I return,

Are you gonna be there?

There, waiting for me?

I have been here before,

Here waiting for the explore,

The adventure,

The last long you call

All night long..

I know you,

I know you have been here too.

 

 

 

Favorite Movie Of The Summer: Review For Wish I Was Here

It would be important for me to mention the content rule in watching films. There is always a chance in searching for great works of film and music that one may have to filter through superfluous darkness that sometimes does have something to do with corruption and enable the storyline to be more believable. However, I am more under the assumption that Hollywood requires a certain amount of swear words, violence and sex to be infused into the film. This can make things difficult for the Christian. It would be sound doctrine for lovers of Jesus and aspire to live pure and Holy lives. But I am also under the impression that fallen people who seek to impact the world with their stories through the lens of film can include not needed darkness yet compile brilliance in reflecting God. The Diablo Cody film Paradise(which I review back in November) tells very striking points about life, God and the pain and confusion that conservative Christians can go through. However, I don’t think it would ever be deemed a Christian film.

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Writers: Zack Braff and Adam Braff

Director: Zack Braff

Stars: Zack Braff, Josh Gad, Kate Hudson, Joey King, Mandy Patinkin and Pierce Gagnon

Basic Overview:

In light of the opening paragraph I have to say that there was some displeasing moments in this film including heavy cussing and otherwise some sketchy sexual content but filtering through that there is very subtle yet bold strokes of genius in this movie. I have to make the same content advisory for Garden State(now 10 years old) and its ability to convey the post adolescent struggle of trying to be a man and trying to be a grown up. In fact, in the book Generation Me Jean Twenge actually outlines Garden State as a premiere example of what young adults can drift themselves into post high school. Garden State showed hopes of a young man that was not willing to live the rest of his life numb to hard stuff and numb to the pain. Rather, life is about facing what is hard and embracing all that it has for you. Natalie Portman’s character embodied this and also directly said it in the film toward the end. Life is..(and the world fills in the blank)..whatever you want it to be.

Why I loved it so much..

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Wish I Was Here now follows Aiden now  decade later struggling in his marriage and with his kids and still mourning the loss of his mother. Aiden is full of distance. He is not present. Hence, the title, Wish I Was Here. Aiden is not making it as an actor and the swear jar keeps adding the money because of his many cuss words he uses around his young kids. However, the pain of his distance is most felt with his complicated relationship with his dying dad. Gabe(Aiden’s dad) has cancer and is on the deathbed and could go at any minute. The opening monologue reflects on Aiden’s childhood ambition to play superhero. He pretty much says, ” I used to imagine saving the world..to those people out there..but maybe we are just the regular people, the ones who get saved!”

Aidan is trying to get his also at a distance brother Noah to come and join in helping their dad live his last moments. Mandy Patinkin as Saul, however, is so good and so disturbing all at the same time. Its clear to me that one of the clearest story lines of my generation revolves around man and his father and all that goes along with that. So many stories center on some form of ‘quiet desperation’ with dad and how a man really will be messed up his whole life if his dad was a total jerk and didn’t care. Aiden, however, seeks to find here by being there for his dad. Noah seeks to face the pain too even though he admits that he is scared and that losing his mother was the hardest thing he had ever been through and he didn’t want to go through that again.

Aidan makes his other indelible statement to his brother, saying, ” now we are actually called upon to do something that requires some actual bravery!” And Sarah(Kate Hudson) tells the dad that this moment will shape your sons for the rest of their lives..it will shape who they are as men.

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I cried a lot during this film. And its nothing I need to hide that I never had the best relationship with my dad, but one thing is for sure you only get one shot at this life. Every man gets once. Every man gets one shot and if he is lucky maybe you don’t die young and God lets you live even longer. I have to embrace hard things and hard people. Not because I am so much softer then the world around me, but because I am just as hard. I wish I was here all the time. All of me gets all the good and the bad that comes with being alive on this earth at this time in history.

So much of stories and films are about human survival and sometimes the hardest things we have to do usually involve those closest to us. Either saying goodbye to someone you kind of want dead and you kind of want gone, yet you know the love you have for them will not fade, even when they are gone. Learning to love yourself and loving your broken dad. Which for most of us is the situation in which we were raised in these are all things that make for excellent stories and for whatever reason Zack Braff makes this whole couple of sentences work. Aidan says, “we are finally called upon to do something great we spend our whole lives wanting to do something great and now requires some actual bravery..and he says to Noah and you go and hide..(Aidan then)  says the only problem with hiding in a fish bowl is that everyone can see you!”

I also like that Aidan quotes T.S. Elliot and the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock..Aidan says ( from the poem) .“Time yet for you and time for me!”

Come out of hiding and face the inner man in you that maybe didn’t get dealt the best situation with maybe not so healthy parents and live life. Don’t wish you were here, simply just be here. See this film! The for certain highlight of the summer in terms of going to the theater and seeing a movie. Heavenly Father is also a very well crafted song to add to this soundtrack that Bon Iver specifically wrote in response after he saw the film all the way through.

In Need

I am scandal,
Its burns like a candle,
I am the dirt under the
Sheep’s skin,
I am yes to dark,
I am yes to corrupt,
I am the interruption
When you are caving in—
I am the pulpit, I am the
Culprit, its gay, its gone,
Its men given over for
Much to long—its wrong,
It burns, it earns its way
Around me—I am sincere,
And I hear, I show up week
After week, yet I do not live
Changed, I do not actually change—
I still choose corruption,
I choose the parts like all
The other frat boys around me—
I choose the breasts and the buts
And the curves and that’s all I see—
I do not see a person,
For perversion has taken a hold
Of me, I am hyprocrite,
I am with the microphone yet
I have no home in God,
I have no direction in Him,
I have nowhere to run,
I have no home,
I am all I need,
And that is why I can’t
Succeed, I came to the
West for gold, now
I am getting old—
I don’t know if I will
Make it, but I know I
Want to live desperate—
Summer is passing,
The ones in the past
Had you in my mind,
Had me all wrapped up tight,
Like a Samsonite, I had
You real tight and packed
Away for me—
I now have let you go,
Bangs down and shadows all
Around, bags under your eyes,
With different strokes you paint
A new future for yourself,
Now I am alone,
Now I am still longing,
Now I buy more new clothes
To look put together,
Yet I have stains,
I have dirt,
I have flirted with
Disaster, I am given over—
I don’t want good, or God,
Of anything of the rod to
Guide me—I am addiction,
In need of non fiction,
I am in need of You

Skates And Darkness

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(Me, Mike, Reid and Benji(and Mark-the other Kneeon Tiger)

For the past two months we have been playing inline hockey on Thursday nights. All four of us(Team Kneeon Tiger) have only played one other time together. Tonight was our second time. Hockey brings up so many thoughts of joy and gratitude. I played ice hockey for six years straight from 10-16 and back in 2008 I got back into it in Kansas City. Here I am in 2014 still playing. We got to pray for this guy named Mo tonight. Its amazing to be a light in a dark place. Here’s a reflection on it. I am honoring my mom as well who is the ultimate evangelistic example. She uses her job daily to preach the Gospel. Also dedicated to my dad for all those wonderful years of playing.

The skates make me,
Have made me,
Continue to make me,
Grace saves me, continues
To save me, death buries me,
Stays with me, this body carries
About your fragrance, carries about
You, all good things drift past me,
Drift away, I can’t taste anything but
You, I skate it off, this world on wheels,
This world on heels, she skips through
The galley, she daily does rally, the Gospel
On her feet, the Gospel to greet, the clean
And the neat and the dark things that you
Love to chase and pursue, I tie the skates,
And tie them tight, I am grateful that I can
See light at night, that the shadow no longer
Lives around me, these eyes shine bright,
And light up with Holy, light up with True,
Light up with you—I see what won’t get
Me there, so I daily bear it, that thing called
Death, called a battle, called all that can rattle,
All that can make me a man—Christ alone,
I do stand in, skates and you, they guide me
Daily, for what I love you live in it, you stay
In it, disciple of the nations, the nations to
Teach, the nations to reach, just these skates
Is what I have now, for the dark is louder now,
Taking up more space then I can only imagine,
But one thing is true, the Gospel on heels, she
Taught it well—preached it on the airplane,
Left it on the jetway, where the world runs
From pain, there is the glorious terrain of
The world out there, that clicks and persists,
That lives on the freeway, that lives stuck
In traffic, that blasts that thing called
Distraction, called endless satisfaction,
Called lonely nights lying next to one’s
That don’t have it in them—to give love,
To give mercy, to give them what is
Called thirsty—hunger and poverty,
That is the diagnosis, for in it the world
Will see the joy that is unseen

Mercy Lens

I am taking it in
Through your mercy lens
Weakness fails me,
City life crowds me,
Hotel living it seems
Broken American dreams
On the carpet of the
Famous I wanted to walk,

Clicking the pics
Picking up their cigarettes,
Taking in their smoke,
Inhaling their lifestyle,
Making it worthwhile,
Filming stayed with me
When teenager outgrew me,

Now their lights seem like
Dark, Man of Steel steals
Me away but only for truth
To stay, unsatisfied is
Their color red that lines
Them dead, golden trophies
They accept,

Broke the world stays,
Future haunts me,
Cause this present fails
Me, it can’t stay this
Broken forever, and it
Seems a movie to me,
But no one can capture
Holy, can film purity,
Heaven only stays in titles,

Mercy lens has me in,
My life of poverty is the
Party I attend, for love
Does apprehend and take
A hold of me, let my
Golden dreams have silver
In them when the flame
Comes, revealed to the mercy
Lens it will only have me
And my love to stand,

Save the Hollywood in me,
Let the movie roll mercy,
Fade to black, my credits roll,
Recede like a scroll, its
You Me and mercy!

The Forecast

Its good to be writing some new stuff. I have been posting older reflections(some with weird, obscure formats–sorry about that) but it is because this blog just passed 100 subscriptions just the other day. I say this to say that, I want the new people to enjoy older reflections that have been long gone.

This is a fresh poem written today. I am just taking in everything that I heard this past week at the Onething conference. A whole post dedicated to that will happen. I am still processing but the storm will come in life. Life will be hard; difficult; full of disappointments(as some would say); and full of plenty of time to choose what to believe in. I am holding on to the fact that it will be hard until I die, but my choices will affect as Mike Bickle recently said, ‘the depth of my choice affects the depth of my experience in God.”(not word for word).

So, here’s my reflection..

Weatherman tell me the forecast
Do I have what will last?
Inside is where we should live
But outside the world does hide
Behind that, storms they are
Forming, winds they are coming,
Ears they are humming and
Deafening the voice that speaks
And calms the storm—disaster, once
Was my master and ruled me daily,
Steady was far from me, faithful and
Fruitful did drift away—my dreams
Kept me going, for so little was spoken
Over me—where could this life please
Be, the forecast is dark, dreary, deadly,
Not lively—cloud and loud hang over
Me for the future is full of conflict, full
Of scandal, full of a candle in need to
Stay burning—I ask if I can truly win,
When the world seems to be drowning
In sin, Noah save me from the flood,
From the pain that life brings, from
The things called suffering and
Resistance—forecast me a safe
Life with a good wife and a good
Thing and kids to add to my last
Name—bring me now, all these
Things—but truth be told, the
Weather is cold, a lie, a shadow
To come—for light and love shine
Through the seasons and the many
Reasons for my dedication—clouds
No more stay over me because I have
Given all of me—to this cause, to this
Flame, to this love that takes my name—
And one I know not of waits for me,
Waits for all who see the storm,
See the clouds, rejoice in rain,
Rejoice in the pain—press through
He says this new year, make it clear
Where you stand—that bad weather
Won’t change your stand—stay steady
When you feel uncertain, stay steady
When he pulls back the curtain—for
The one storm I can’t escape will
Come down from the sky miles
High and convert the earth from
Storm to clear, from pain to gain
From a life of suffering to seeing
His face—and that truly is what
Makes me wait—for weather, I ask
Come and stay, through it all, I
Stand—waiting!