My Depression, Part 2( Old Post)

I wrote an article back in January about how I have been dealing with depression. This season of life has been one of the hardest in a long time. I am now on my 8th month of feeling depressed and not stable. A week ago I was at the end of my stay in the hospital and 2 weeks ago I did a short stay in a psychiatric emergency room. Facebook has always been a place where people vent and sometime vomit their personal opinions but can also feel like no one is really being real with what is going on inside of them. I am seeking to comfort those who are afflicted with depression by sharing my own struggles.
I have been lacking the motivation to do all things that need to be done for me to live a normal life. Everything has been hard and my dark thoughts have been harder to fight each and everyday. It feels like instead of taking it one day at at time that I am taking it one hour at at time.
Here is what I am learning. Some main truths to hold onto.
#1 I need to TRUST in the Lord with all my heart.
It is easy to talk about trusting God when things are going your way but what about when we really feel like we can’t feel or see Him. I have broken down TRUST to mean:
Totality- it is all our heart we are called to give and all of our life we are called to lay down. Depression wants to steal the wholehearted commitment we have for God.
Righteousness- walking in the truth that we are the righteousness of Christ, and we can’t earn that. It is part of walking as a new creation. Depression steals and kills these simple truths and pulls us away from them.
Understanding- Lean not on your own understanding but in all your way acknowledge Him. I am learning to not lean on my own understanding especially when it comes to taking medications and having to depend on the help of doctor’s. I don’t have to understand everything going on around me or in me but He wants to lean on Him.
Sacrifice- Trusting Him means we sacrifice our will and our ideas and our strategy and lay that down to know His will even more. Depression steals you away from real sacrifice and makes everything about what you aren’t doing and where you aren’t seeing Him in your life.
Together- Trusting Him for real friendships and relationships. Having this in our life makes all the difference. Depression isolates you from connection and without connection you lack purpose and without purpose you lack hope and hope makes us come alive and walk in Joy on the inside.
#2- I need people. I have been reaching out to everyone I know asking for prayer in this time. It has forced me to walk in humility over my situation. People are needed in my life to pull me through. I think of the passage in Luke 5 when the paralyzed man needs people to pull him closer to the feet of Jesus. It seems like it wasn’t just his friends that helped lift him over the roof but it was also and could have been random people that are around. Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. It leaves us venerable and in need and that need comes out when we are asking others to pray for us. My church every Sunday morning does a call for those that are hurting and need prayer. I have been raising my hand every week asking for prayer. I am texting people everyday updating them on how I am doing. I need people.
#3- The bigger perspective. Life is short and flies by. Often you see a theme in movies and shows where characters are asking hard questions about themselves and their story. It comes down to living a life without regret. Taking chances. Having faith. Finding love. Losing love but to the point that it doesn’t lose you. Depression has been making me feel like this is it for me. That I am going to struggle this way forever and it can’t really get that much better even though I spent the worst year of my life in 2013 to then having the best 6 years of life to follow. Can I really get back to that place of feeling stable like I did for 6 years? This feeling of depression can’t last forever.
#4 Trusting doctor’s. I have never been in the doctor’s office so much and in touch with my psychiatrist. This hard time has forced me to trust in the medical process especially with changes to medications that have been happening. It has forced me to trust my doctor on a whole new level.
I hope this post brings encouragement to you. If you are someone struggling with bipolar or depression ask for prayer and help from those around you. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

Day #47 – Been Here

August 13th

I have been here before,

Climbing was never new,

Neither was trying to find You,

Rose early,

Was Monday,

Was day after Sunday,

Crashes were the past,

Were the out last,

Vegas was just the day,

Was just the way,

Tired was really the only way,

A burn,

And the earn,

Where are you standing now?

Are you on fire, again?

Cause I had to send the message,

And ask for the massage,

When I return,

Are you gonna be there?

There, waiting for me?

I have been here before,

Here waiting for the explore,

The adventure,

The last long you call

All night long..

I know you,

I know you have been here too.

 

 

 

Fallen Me. Bad News Before The Good News

I don’t have to preface what I am about to say because I can say whatever I want on my own blog. God bless America for this freedom that will be taken away one day by demonic-possessed men and women working for the Anti-Christ all to fulfill God’s great purposes before He comes and slays the heads of every single wicked King on this planet that does not bow before Him..A Jewish man that is the only one worthy to execute justice. So before you think your justice initiatives are really impacting the food ministry at your church does it line up with Christ? Does preaching His Gospel actually go beyond just feeding people and doing good stuff in a church building?

God does not dwell in temples made by hands..

My intro is a little bit of a rant but my aim..please, hear me, my aim is not to judge or condemn..I am examining myself and sharing with you what I am staring at when I look at Jared Diehl in the mirror.

sinners

It is believed that in the Christian life(at least most have some of this going on) that just going to church or activities at church and listening to someone preach on the radio equates to transformation. I do not want to go into all the details of this point because that is a thousand posts to come on the subject of sanctification.

Just hearing truth and the concepts of say salvation, justification(saved by faith, not by works), christian ethics, tithing, giving, forgiveness, showing compassion to a dying world, exc..

Just hearing does not mean change and does not actually mean you understand and are getting it. I think the biggest obstacle to going past just hearing is the already beyond warped conscious that we already possess. Did not David exclaim in his penitence..”In my mother’s womb..I was conceived in sin..”

John Calvin still lives in modern minds today. Calvinism. Neo-Calvinsim. Pelagianism. Mark Driscoll and John Piper–ism(Godly men..not making fun of them) carry the flame of TULIP. Some might add a few more letters. I don’t get all of it but I do agree that Total Depravity is pretty close to bearing its name. It means TOTAL. It means we cannot save ourselves. It means we are not good. It means no one is good.

Romans 3:10-19 says:

“There is none righteous, no, not one;


There is none who understands;


There is none who seeks after God.


They have all turned aside

They have together become unprofitable;

There is none who does good, no, not one.”


“Their throat is an open tomb;
With their tongues they have practiced deceit”;


“The poison of asps is under their lips”; 


“Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.”

“Their feet are swift to shed blood;


Destruction and misery are in their ways

;
And the way of peace they have not known.”

“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”
 Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. Therefore by the deeds of the law no flesh will be justified in His sight, for by the law is the knowledge of sin.”(NKJV)

Our world craves darkness. Another passage to be quoted would be John 3:19-21(The whole passage of course needs to be read too) but look at this:

And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”

My world craves darkness. It can be easy to point the finger and think that ‘we are in the world and not of it’ so look at those sodomites, those homosexuals, those sexually immoral..geesh don’t they know that their end is the Lake of Fire to burn in the presence of the Lamb? Yes, all true but I am shining the magnifying glass on me. One Direction can sing all they want, “Let’s live while we are young.” J-LO can loudly proclaim, “We can do anything we want, so live it up!”

death-of-jesus-0108

The world is the world I live in and I am the darkness Jesus talks about. I am the resistance to Him. The answer to the pop lyrics is that you can imagine that you are doing what you want. You can imagine that at college your parents don’t know what you are up to unless you put in on facebook which would only break their hearts even more. You can and I can imagine that ‘doing what we want!’ is what makes America so special and so unique and so set apart from all those other communist dictators out there. No, that is the problem. We will answer for our deeds and for our actions and most of all, for our choices. Mercy is to be had and God is beyond good and will forgive anyone for anything, but it is still a choice. And most will choose darkness.

I am everything Paul lists just in Romans 3, not to mention all the other places. I am all of those descriptions and more and most likely worse then those descriptions.

I have not a very exciting life so its much easier for me to just talk about other people. I guess I am a leader so its okay to break everyone open because I am trying to be a good leader and I am trying to help them. Really? Talking crap about people really helps them.

I think giving a quarter for someone to take the bus is doing a good deed for the day while I am mostly thinking about how I can waste more money at Starbucks, or on movies, or on eating crappy food. But because I please everyone and appear to be doing things right by praying at my church and praying loudly on the microphone I guess I am fighting the darkness..right?

form_of_godliness_3

Sorry to sound negative on myself. I am done beating myself up. I hope I can find life in God to the point of not just talking about my sin with Him. I hope that is not all we talk about in heaven. Its a work in progress.

What I am mostly saying in this attempt to make the point that I highly underestimate my fallen desires. I think I am much better off then I really am. But the good news, however, is that myself and everyone reading this, we do not have to stay this way. Its rather more important for us to understand the bad news before we can rejoice in the Gospel, which means “good news.”

It is both an error to think we are better then what we really are and call our good deeds godliness when it can not be that. “A form(appearance) of godliness, but denying its power.” I fear that we are getting itching ears. And I am, again, looking at me first.

It is much easier for me to believe in a book like ‘Your Best Life Now’ then it would be for me to meditate on Romans 3 and John 3. It would be much easier for me to just feed people at our church’s food ministry and call it making an impact on people or even dare to call it the same thing as love. Love is not food. Love is not stuff. The Gospel is not just for the “blessings” and for a “better life.” Have you read the Declaration of Independence? Have you really believed that we are founded on Godly principles or have some kind of covenant with God because ‘God Bless America’ is the signet phrase on our green money? To my understanding the only covenant nation with God is Israel. I mean Israel in the past and Israel today. So, God so keeps His word that when Israel disobeys God He corrects them by sending the Assyrians, the Chaldeans, and any other surrounding enemy..all for the purpose of correcting them. In Ezekiel alone some 70 times God says, ‘So that they may know that I am the Lord.’ So, covenant with God looks like that. I am pretty sure Russia or North Korea or China have not invaded the shores of America. But is is surely possible if we want to make that kind of commitment back to God.

It hurts to be honest. And the bad news is that we are in danger. We are in grave danger as a country if we think our prosperity means God is for the things we do as a nation. I don’t want to bash America. And God does love us and loves the 300 plus million people who live here..but its still bad news before the good news that we need to hear. Our American Dream is dying. Thanks Adam Smith for breaking it down for us, but it doesn’t take an expert sociologist to say that it is dying. I can’t speak for everyone because I have had a pretty easy life. Yes, my dad was not the best father and my mom stayed with him for much to long and now I have bipolar depression partly because of the abusive home life we had. But no one would have ever guessed that because we went to a charismatic church that loved intercession.

Again, that didn’t change the pain, or the genetic disposition I have, or the negative lies that have warped my mind that now..as a man I have to face so I don’t screw my kids up.

And I love my parents. I still love my dad and my mom and without them I would be way far off doing God knows what. I honor them. I am simply saying that our past is not just buried because ‘all things have become new.’ I hope you understand. We have pain.

Life is hard and I don’t really know what else I have experienced that would put me in a place to hate God because God is not the problem and not the source of the world’s suffering and injustice. He has given us a choice and the choice is ours to now..in spite of our darkness to live lives of humility and choose what is right over what is evil and wrong.

The challenge for us us to make the Ruckus. To make the noise about what is good and who it comes from. Good is from above. ‘Every good and perfect gift.’ ‘God cannot deny Himself’ and that means that He will not compromise any part of Himself. He will always make the perfect choice. If I end up in Hell then He did everything possible for me to not go there. He will be right.

If we can understand our fallen tendencies I think we can better understand the mercy and the goodness that God offers us. I am much to tired of talking about changing and talking about loving and talking about having God in my life when really my life would look a lot different if I was to truly say, ‘God, I need you and I am desperate for you.’

I feel no condemnation. I feel it would help us to evaluate with the word of God and not by the church culture or the culture in general. We are the light. We are the salt. We are not to hide from the world. We are to shine in it.

 

 

 

In Need

I am scandal,
Its burns like a candle,
I am the dirt under the
Sheep’s skin,
I am yes to dark,
I am yes to corrupt,
I am the interruption
When you are caving in—
I am the pulpit, I am the
Culprit, its gay, its gone,
Its men given over for
Much to long—its wrong,
It burns, it earns its way
Around me—I am sincere,
And I hear, I show up week
After week, yet I do not live
Changed, I do not actually change—
I still choose corruption,
I choose the parts like all
The other frat boys around me—
I choose the breasts and the buts
And the curves and that’s all I see—
I do not see a person,
For perversion has taken a hold
Of me, I am hyprocrite,
I am with the microphone yet
I have no home in God,
I have no direction in Him,
I have nowhere to run,
I have no home,
I am all I need,
And that is why I can’t
Succeed, I came to the
West for gold, now
I am getting old—
I don’t know if I will
Make it, but I know I
Want to live desperate—
Summer is passing,
The ones in the past
Had you in my mind,
Had me all wrapped up tight,
Like a Samsonite, I had
You real tight and packed
Away for me—
I now have let you go,
Bangs down and shadows all
Around, bags under your eyes,
With different strokes you paint
A new future for yourself,
Now I am alone,
Now I am still longing,
Now I buy more new clothes
To look put together,
Yet I have stains,
I have dirt,
I have flirted with
Disaster, I am given over—
I don’t want good, or God,
Of anything of the rod to
Guide me—I am addiction,
In need of non fiction,
I am in need of You

I Used To Hear

Based on a conversation I had when I was in Denver, Colorado in August of 2007. Reflecting on hearing God.

I used to write it clear
For all the world to hear,
Night was like an endless
Shadow, the world a darkened
Meadow to walk in, steady and
Faithful was me, steady and able,
Willing was I, a learner’s permit
I carried, you are my graduation,
My attenuation carried my situation,
More of His voice, more of His words
To pierce inside of me, the rooftops
Cried out to me, city of thin air, city
I could hear, Denver diner to be clear,
I want to hear, I want to fear, I want
To be near to Him, that fire within, that
Flame again, on the rooftop we talked,
The conflagration, the situation, endless
Nights fighting the break of dawn, fighting
The yawn, killing a weak flesh, weekdays
With Him, weekends within, the end to come
And the world to grow numb, I write it clear
Now, all is not clearly, I am growing elderly,
Grays to soon come, let me not grow cold
As I get old—for I burn to hear—His voice
Speaks, His voice seeks, His voice reaches
In the thinnest air, in the lowest valley,
On the highest point of the mountains,
The interstate, the time to not hesitate,
Live in on the freeway, your daily life,
Your mundane operation—but can I
Hear Him, hear Him clearly

Skates And Darkness

IMG_0626
(Me, Mike, Reid and Benji(and Mark-the other Kneeon Tiger)

For the past two months we have been playing inline hockey on Thursday nights. All four of us(Team Kneeon Tiger) have only played one other time together. Tonight was our second time. Hockey brings up so many thoughts of joy and gratitude. I played ice hockey for six years straight from 10-16 and back in 2008 I got back into it in Kansas City. Here I am in 2014 still playing. We got to pray for this guy named Mo tonight. Its amazing to be a light in a dark place. Here’s a reflection on it. I am honoring my mom as well who is the ultimate evangelistic example. She uses her job daily to preach the Gospel. Also dedicated to my dad for all those wonderful years of playing.

The skates make me,
Have made me,
Continue to make me,
Grace saves me, continues
To save me, death buries me,
Stays with me, this body carries
About your fragrance, carries about
You, all good things drift past me,
Drift away, I can’t taste anything but
You, I skate it off, this world on wheels,
This world on heels, she skips through
The galley, she daily does rally, the Gospel
On her feet, the Gospel to greet, the clean
And the neat and the dark things that you
Love to chase and pursue, I tie the skates,
And tie them tight, I am grateful that I can
See light at night, that the shadow no longer
Lives around me, these eyes shine bright,
And light up with Holy, light up with True,
Light up with you—I see what won’t get
Me there, so I daily bear it, that thing called
Death, called a battle, called all that can rattle,
All that can make me a man—Christ alone,
I do stand in, skates and you, they guide me
Daily, for what I love you live in it, you stay
In it, disciple of the nations, the nations to
Teach, the nations to reach, just these skates
Is what I have now, for the dark is louder now,
Taking up more space then I can only imagine,
But one thing is true, the Gospel on heels, she
Taught it well—preached it on the airplane,
Left it on the jetway, where the world runs
From pain, there is the glorious terrain of
The world out there, that clicks and persists,
That lives on the freeway, that lives stuck
In traffic, that blasts that thing called
Distraction, called endless satisfaction,
Called lonely nights lying next to one’s
That don’t have it in them—to give love,
To give mercy, to give them what is
Called thirsty—hunger and poverty,
That is the diagnosis, for in it the world
Will see the joy that is unseen

Front And Temperature

Two summers ago I was having this sensation of friends changing and seasons changing. I just equated it to driving down a road for a long time and the passengers staying interested in you and how that can be true in life too. What others think will never come close to knowing what God thinks. Here’s the reflection.

Tell me how to read,
How to succeed, still
Breathing, still searching,
Still learning to work it,
That thing called striving
With you, a half hearted heart
Is no good, from the starting line
To the finish, I need the replenishing
Of the offering, the pain and the suffering,
Tell me what to set my eyes upon,
For I love beautiful things, made for
Them I was, the images of you walk
In the mirror, in the rear view mirror
Did they sit, backseat in the middle,
In the center, in my speedometer,
What others think is at the center
Of me—their speed, their reading
Of me, their temperature, it fills me
With wonder, with air, I am shortening
My breath, man has to be second best,
Has to be not the first I think of daily,
Eyes up, eyes upon you, eyes that were
Made to see—true wonder, true mystery,
True to turn in me, to turn in thunder,
To turn in wonder, to know that I
Will love all those in front of me,
Backseat I no longer have to sit,
For Your glory is front and center,
Front and temperature, turn it up,
For jealousy burns hot, you are not
Dead, not distant, not my earthly
Dreams, not far away from the
Way I was made, formed second,
And known first—if I stay alive
Let me not die while I live, while
I walk—backseat temperature,
Change to front and center,
Front and burning, you are
A consuming fire

Mercy Lens

I am taking it in
Through your mercy lens
Weakness fails me,
City life crowds me,
Hotel living it seems
Broken American dreams
On the carpet of the
Famous I wanted to walk,

Clicking the pics
Picking up their cigarettes,
Taking in their smoke,
Inhaling their lifestyle,
Making it worthwhile,
Filming stayed with me
When teenager outgrew me,

Now their lights seem like
Dark, Man of Steel steals
Me away but only for truth
To stay, unsatisfied is
Their color red that lines
Them dead, golden trophies
They accept,

Broke the world stays,
Future haunts me,
Cause this present fails
Me, it can’t stay this
Broken forever, and it
Seems a movie to me,
But no one can capture
Holy, can film purity,
Heaven only stays in titles,

Mercy lens has me in,
My life of poverty is the
Party I attend, for love
Does apprehend and take
A hold of me, let my
Golden dreams have silver
In them when the flame
Comes, revealed to the mercy
Lens it will only have me
And my love to stand,

Save the Hollywood in me,
Let the movie roll mercy,
Fade to black, my credits roll,
Recede like a scroll, its
You Me and mercy!

A Little Rejection

I dissect
I digress
I make small progress,
Easily impressed am I
With the stars in the sky,
I wonder of my breath
And the breathing I do,
I reject you a little more
Each day, for your goodness
Gets in my way of trying
To stay put inside myself

And beside me is my tragedy
I am a runaway, pain a getaway
Leaving me on the jetway
Of broken choices, I push
You back running on
Empty have I been,
Rejection is my greatest
Sin, how do you love me
Over and over again?

How is a now that rings in
Me now be the time to
Embrace the today
While it is called that
Help me not reject you

Red Eyes (summer 2012)

The use of Red Eyes first came from the Switchfoot song Red Eyes. It was such a perfect ending to Hello Hurricane. I can’t tell you how many times I have blasted this while driving and rocking out. The line in the song, ‘nowhere feels safe to me, nowhere feels home, even in crowds I am alone.’ I dig and when I was writing this I was thinking of how much I appreciate my mom. She is a flight attendant. I find it slips into many a poems my references to airplane and airport language. I love using the idea of traveling as a device to show the escapism in our souls. Jetway, fuselage, my samsonite, turbulence..Wanting to not be around certain people at times, feeling lonely, wanting to run away. God sees. And in God seeing our cry for acceptance should give us red eyes. Either we cry or we pull our hair out wrestling with longings that are most of the time just a sign that God is doing more in us and that their is more…

All my life been searching for that deep down satisfaction

Now I am lacking and missing in action, love has slipped from

Me, love has moved away from me, now the sky opens up pleasantly,

And draws near to me, hearts all around open up to me, now I can

Barely see, red eyes tonight, Persian queen tuck me in, make me clean,

Turbulence you lived in, turbulence you stayed in, out the door it became

Fall to blame, winter to never change, balmy breeze to put you at ease,

Orange town on fire now, down town a look to tell all, see safety is what

I want, but love is what you have, nothing now tastes the same, not that

Little bit of fame that I have to my own name, now all I want is for things

To never change, now I feel like I need to rearrange this time of mine,

And change my mind to be a man now, to grow up now, and give in now

To that which should overtake my choices, volition kicking, premonition

Down the freeway, just a backseat chaser listening to those in front now

To afraid to drive down this narrow road, unsure as always of that which

Sits inside of me, doubting that power so easily, red eyes tonight trying

To get it right, up late for all the wrong reasons, notebooks full of lies,

Continuing to pile up, now Lord keep me screwed up, fix up now on that which

Is needed, new revolutions per minute down this freeway drive, the

Summer sense changing now, all my expectations lifted now, just waiting

For change, but now Love is all that remains, time no more needed to be

Wasting away, time now for me to live and say yes to you today