Just can’t come to grips with it

Age and matter and the atoms of

Existence, now persistence is a

Resistant force inside of me, for

Giving up never came easily,

Now clicking on the things that

Bring death man makes his meth

And smokes himself dead,

Corruption speaks on the big

Screen and reveals unseen

Forces living on the inside of

Me, I wait and take the long

Way home tonight, thoughts

Of you and what you do carry

Me through the toughness of

Life and the harm it brings to

Us, pain, yes, 28 years later

Pain speaks its course and

Way inside of me, so for

Now I will lay the evil down,

Lay the love of my life down

And wait for you to call and

Answer when I fall—to you,

I wait all day long

28 Lessons/Facts In 28 Years

In light of my birthday happening this past week, I am going to share short lessons that I have learned in my life. I just turned 28, so lets narrow it down to one lesson a year.

The order does not signify importance. I am not doing this on a scale. Some of these might be tidbits/facts on my life.

1. If my family had had  a video camera for the first 10 years of life I would have loved to see that footage. But I am grateful for the pictures.

2. The first thing I ever put on paper was a pink sheet that said, ” I’m Unique!”. (when I was 9 years old) I put on it that when I grow up I want to be writer(I think that has come true)

3.  Working hard at everything that I do has been a trait that has carried me all of my life. My Sophomore year of highschool I was named the hardest working player on my ice hockey team. Something that was later said to me in other times in life.

4. I have worked 23 jobs in the past 12 years. My favorite of them all was Trader Joes. The first time in 2009 was here in California, and the second time was in Leawood Kansas, 2011 to Nov. 2012. I was truly blessed to have been apart of that company.

5. I have learned that in speech, less is better than more words, even if you are trying to be the center of attention.

6. I live by the words of Paul in 1 Cor. 15:10″ I am what I the grace of God!”

7. In my fire in the night internship I started a study in the book of James and now 9 years later, it is probably still my favorite NT book.

8. I still aspire to make a documentary on teens in America. I believe it’s a topic worth talking about.

9.  Love is the center of everything. Make every aim to fulfill what Paul says ‘do everything in/with love.’

10. Depression and metal illness is NOT a result of a believer lacking faith or doing something in error with God. The error is in thinking that you are being punished. Faith and science need to be examined and valued in helping others with this struggle.

11. I am unashamed to say I am a fan of Justin Bieber. And much prayer for him is needed.

12. I have noticed a growing trend in movies and television that both reflect a deep darkness in our society. The most popular shows and films deal with a deep sense of ‘good people’ doing horrible, dark and shameful bad things. And it is that thing that gets us hooked into watching it.

13. I have learned that patience comes only by being put in situations where you are constantly inconvenienced by people. That is how it works itself into you.

14. Big speeches are hard to come by in the creative process but I had a couple good ones in high school, both at graduation in 12th grade and ninth, and also at my youth group.

15. Random confession: in the moment of writing this I am listening to Dashboard Confessional. I had recently posted that I am done and don’t miss listening to them but gosh darn it makes me want to write some love poetry.(And the last few have been kind of sort of about that but I never name names or times, you are just gonna have to guess for the rest of your life)

16. If you want to travel the world and do all of that then you simply just have to do it and figure out the practical later on.

17.  I have learned that certain named girls have never worked out for me. Not because of them personally but maybe because just the name brings on vibes of bad luck.

18. Top four favorite albums of all time: Mae’s The Everglow, Mat Kearney’s City Of Black And White, Switchfoot’s Hello Hurricane(love you red eyes!) and Cory Asbury’s Let Me See Your Eyes. And Pas Neos’ Who Do You Say I am is becoming the next favorite.

19. Both my parents were flight attendants and my mom still is, so maybe I should try it for a career and answer number 16 with doing it for a living.

20. If anything to be an expert in I would choose faith and depression and mental health. Using scripture and science to speak with power and wisdom on this subject. I want to major in that.

21. Best two movies in the past year: It’s Kind Of A Funny Story and Intouchables.

22.  I want to answer the Lord on that day with a response that says, “Lord, I gave you and gave the effort to give you all of my heart, mind and soul to you!”

23.  I spent 4 wonderful summers working for ATC. Summer 2012 was  by far the most fun and best time at ATC. I got to run a lot: here. And do many other videos capturing the summer. Best job ever!

24. This is my favorite you tube video, here 7 years later.Here.

25.  25 years old means car insurance is lowered but for me it seems to be still kind of high.(California probably!)

26. Everyone should drive a car they never thought they would drive. I got my chance at 19 years old my dad gave me his Mitsubishi 3000GT. And sadly I smacked it into a tree during a snow storm in January 2008, and 9 months later I had to sell it. But it was awesome while I had it.

27. 27 years old has been the most trying and testing/refining year of my life. And here I am one year later alive on the inside, full of peace and joy and most of all, full of hope. The hope is that I can help others who have the same struggles as me, and that is what I aim to do.

28. I recently read Love Wins and all I have to say is that the greatest lesson I have learned is to throw myself on the rock and seek with all of me to understand the character and nature of God. If I make that my aim then I will truly know what love is, and that is what we need.





This is a reflection on getting older(my bday is tommorrow!) and the desire to embrace all that comes with growing up in God and in life. This truly has been a trying year but God has received all the praise. For He has not pulled me out, He has pulled me through.

Kenosis is the prognosis

Empty is the tray that goes

My way—eating weakness and

Feasting on brokenness,

Death is a faded memory

One seen at Calvary

One that changes Gravity.

To me I live, but for Him

I shall give all of my heart,

Older now I am getting,

Pages of time are turning

In perfect rhyme, ocean

Scenes are fading with

The sand beneath me,

Aging it seems is no

Longer in dreams and

Unseen images of

Episodes that can’t

Be replayed, rather

Remade we become

When death is numb

To the victory that lives

In me, all these years have

Passed without a resurrection

At last, years of walking the

Hallways with no lights and

No brights to walk on, now

I want an eschaton—one with

Tribulation and no early departure

From the coming corruption,

Let me stay Lord in the midst

Of the suffering and the pain,

Let me lay in this kind of rain

For what I know as I grow is

That the hardest most hurtful

Moments have added up into

A lifetime of not quitting, and

For that I war on the grumbling

I ask for the rumbling of that

That is Holy and true, all that

Keeps me in this fight, all that

Might hold me awake at night,

Getting older will be better

As I get closer to being with


Pictures Of You

Yes, folks the date thing might just say November 13 and that means its my birthday!! So, here is goes(look for a birthday post coming soon) technically I still have another day.

A plain summer never a dull

Moment with you, all I dreamed

I dreamed of you, hair always changing

Heart always rearranging, life always

Anticipating the next painful thing to

Take place, the next lonely freeway

Chase, alive it does seem I come

Around, around you, now it seems

I am just living now just in dreams

And episodic memory surpasses me

And pictures of you that snap in my

Head never leave me but stay stuck

Instead on a constant rewind, what

Could have been in those adolescent

Ways and waves of the ocean couldn’t

Wash you away, for the clothes you

Choose, the ways you groove, the

Way you move, the way you are

Around the world around me is

A mystery worth pursuing and

Worth knowing, risk, yes I will

Risk all of my comforts and my

Ocean days just to get a glimpse

And get more than just one

Single picture, for I want to

Bury what is fake and carry

What is that scary thing so

Close to man and so close to

Me, it is the tainted memory

That things could change and

Rearrange me again, so dream

I will do but not of you, I will

Do only of what can be new

And what could be another redo


Thoughts are pouring
Not a mormon but as
White as the shirts and skirts
They wear, you do swear
That you never held back
When I asked you to
Live and live fully inside of

Your life sits at a distance
With much resistance to
My line of sight and my
Samsonite sits real tight
Tucked away ready for a
Getaway with you,
Anyplace, anyday,
Anything you do or say
Will be used against love
And its enemy,

Pictures shine bright with
After effects and bright
Lights are ahead for living
Empty is as good as being
Dead, clicking and moving
Along will keep me strong
When the time comes to not
Leave ever again

Nearness Lord,
Nearness is good


Flipping through it
The looks you make
The space you take
The bangs that grow
Your face that glows

I remember when it
Was an emergency
Of the assurancy of
The looks you make
And my soul that bends
And extends to see you
Stay safe in my mind
That takes up my time

Not to stop on every look
You make but remembering
Each look goes in my book
And will be remembered forever

Fallen Memories

Midnight came that night
And took me away, away with
The times I had never looked
Back, now the pages are
Being written of those
Midnight menories and
The stories of winning you

Winter came and laid
Claim to not living tame
Or held back, love was the
Trace, hunger the space,
Hunger the place to stay,
Cold freezing night it was
When you stayed honest,
And told me to accept
The adolescent pain of
Trying to grow up,
Tied and lied down to
The pavement, looking for

Pain it feels and reels back
I feel the lack and want
To end this rhyme with
Due time, I embrace the
Fallen memories


Left it on the driveway
That was the getaway
Punchline came anyway
Summer was never a forever
Endeavor, home life was
Turbulence, school a four
Letter exit stamp, every soul
Wanted the most control,

Driveway did stay in my mind,
All that wasted time, winter the
Crime, all my energy spent
On making the seasons mean
Something to you, bow down
He does ask, why can’t I just
Relax, breaking and doing it
Badly sadly I do ask I have
Been trying to live safe and
That driveway took all day to
Get over as I tried to stand
A man,

Safe you say is not good,
But good He is in all my
Driveway pain and the rain
That comes with it,

I submit and give you
More of me in the time
Of the smallest seconds
I have added up for you
May I not drive you away
May you come and stay
Within me

Cisterns And Splinters

Don’t ask God to take something away, or take you out of something. Rather, ask God to pull you through what you are going through. Man and myself(both are heard) need the deepest places to be full of Christ. For only He can heal and only He can satisfy.

The reference to ‘the cops verse the cape’ is something I wrote after watching The Dark Knight Rises, and just wanting more of God in being excited about other things.

Satisfied am not I

for truth has lied and tied

Me up indeed, I cannot succeed

For clicks of nonsense make sense

To the dreams I have been living in,

Cisterns, broken they have been and I’ve

Been drinking it in, daily man’s voice is raspy

From screaming at himself  for something to change,

For something to change never happens easily,

All the pain feels free and daily eats away at he,

Splinters its been of little reminders of remainders

Of what I have left to give the world out there,

Wear and tear, tears streaming daily for hungry hit

Me a while back in my lack and the steps of choices I had

To made, a decade, a decade under the influence, neither

Drink nor drug nor anything to get me smug and tied up

But lied up the devil would play to me, call to me,

Cisterns they break, it was summer 2012 the cops verse

The cape, yet there is still an ache, a hunger for me,

Splinters of wrong choices prick and stick and stay with

Me, for daily I will be searching for true life and what will

Take the pain away. for in Him the right kind of pain does

Exist and leads me back to trust it daily, clicks away from

Giving the soul away, we must resist that and choose to

Embrace whatever needs to be embraced

Temple Days

Reflecting on Kansas City. Grateful for the years I spent there.

Temple days,
Want your gaze,
Want to amaze in
The ways of your grace,
Years its been of looking
Within and eyes on Him,
Pacing I did to remain
Steady and true, but now
A new wide eyed view,

The temple has been removed,
And I am just left with my heart
And soul and to you I
Lift my gaze of the temple
Days and let you love
Me the way I was made

For on the seconds on the
Clock so am I adding up
The time I spend and
Expend on you,
Let it increase as my
Days increase