Making a comeback. A lot on my mind. A lot going on in life.
To feel again,
To find you again,
I knew just hallways,
And corner spaces,
And scared places,
If these halls had hills
They would be alive to..
If I live open then you can see me,
You can see all of me,
And there is no going back,
Going back to living in the the black,
Rich and slightly famous,
How many people asked about me
When I was gone?
How many texts and tweets did I get,
Even more so when I was steady
Only in poverty did you come
Running after me,
To feel again,
To steal again,
The moments made by sunsets,
Now I can stay up and see them,
Now I can stay up and receive them.
If these halls had hills,
They would be alive to,
They would be high too,
They would be all about you.
Stop this cycle
and this roundabout,
Show me what mercy is about,
Cause that is all I need from You
Those times spent with you,
Bending the rules,
Doing all of that for you.
Breaking the past,
Making this last,
Counting the number of numbers I have
All the times I have backed out,
And let you in,
All the messages you left,
And Sundays you dismissed.
Used to hate Football,
And the break,
And the half,
And its coming at last,
And you’re gonna wait around for it,
Just like me..
But my decisions are based in your math,
Are you gonna take me back,
Are you gonna take the wrath?
Numbers are on,
And You were the count on,
The one I called upon.
Those 5 were never short of breathless,
Those 10 had it in,
I gave it a decade since you showed me the
Now I got a lot of pills still stored away,
Numbers you never knew about,
Half time show for ya,
Half my time, I feel I am giving to
More is yet to come,
But less is not good enough,
Less is not the number I want on.
I go back and forth with how much I post on my Facebook. One of the things that I like to do in response to negativity, complaining, or even overshare of personal things..is to post encouraging and challenging thoughts. I posted this last night.
The biggest difference between joy and happiness.
Happiness is temporal based on uncertain circumstances. As long as “this or that” is good I am happy.
Joy is eternal and not limited to the present circumstance. Joy is having God’s perspective while uncertain things take place.
Joy is having an umbrella and also trusting that without one you will still make it through the storm.
Mathew 5:45.. and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
Joy is a internal peace that will enable us to stand in dark, troublesome, and even fearful events.
Joy is evidence that you are trusting in what we don’t see.
Joy is supernatural and a practice. Re-Joice means to practice Joy over and over and over again(thanks Kris Vallotton for that quote)
Joy gets more sentences then happiness because it lasts longer.
I don’t have to preface what I am about to say because I can say whatever I want on my own blog. God bless America for this freedom that will be taken away one day by demonic-possessed men and women working for the Anti-Christ all to fulfill God’s great purposes before He comes and slays the heads of every single wicked King on this planet that does not bow before Him..A Jewish man that is the only one worthy to execute justice. So before you think your justice initiatives are really impacting the food ministry at your church does it line up with Christ? Does preaching His Gospel actually go beyond just feeding people and doing good stuff in a church building?
God does not dwell in temples made by hands..
My intro is a little bit of a rant but my aim..please, hear me, my aim is not to judge or condemn..I am examining myself and sharing with you what I am staring at when I look at Jared Diehl in the mirror.
It is believed that in the Christian life(at least most have some of this going on) that just going to church or activities at church and listening to someone preach on the radio equates to transformation. I do not want to go into all the details of this point because that is a thousand posts to come on the subject of sanctification.
Just hearing truth and the concepts of say salvation, justification(saved by faith, not by works), christian ethics, tithing, giving, forgiveness, showing compassion to a dying world, exc..
Just hearing does not mean change and does not actually mean you understand and are getting it. I think the biggest obstacle to going past just hearing is the already beyond warped conscious that we already possess. Did not David exclaim in his penitence..”In my mother’s womb..I was conceived in sin..”
John Calvin still lives in modern minds today. Calvinism. Neo-Calvinsim. Pelagianism. Mark Driscoll and John Piper–ism(Godly men..not making fun of them) carry the flame of TULIP. Some might add a few more letters. I don’t get all of it but I do agree that Total Depravity is pretty close to bearing its name. It means TOTAL. It means we cannot save ourselves. It means we are not good. It means no one is good.
Romans 3:10-19 says:
“There is none righteous, no, not one;
There is none who understands;
There is none who seeks after God.
They have all turned aside
They have together become unprofitable;
There is none who does good, no, not one.”
“Their throat is an open tomb; With their tongues they have practiced deceit”;
“The poison of asps is under their lips”;
“Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.”
“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
Destruction and misery are in their ways
; And the way of peace they have not known.”
“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”
Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. Therefore by the deeds of the law no flesh will be justified in His sight, for by the law is the knowledge of sin.”(NKJV)
Our world craves darkness. Another passage to be quoted would be John 3:19-21(The whole passage of course needs to be read too) but look at this:
And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”
My world craves darkness. It can be easy to point the finger and think that ‘we are in the world and not of it’ so look at those sodomites, those homosexuals, those sexually immoral..geesh don’t they know that their end is the Lake of Fire to burn in the presence of the Lamb? Yes, all true but I am shining the magnifying glass on me. One Direction can sing all they want, “Let’s live while we are young.” J-LO can loudly proclaim, “We can do anything we want, so live it up!”
The world is the world I live in and I am the darkness Jesus talks about. I am the resistance to Him. The answer to the pop lyrics is that you can imagine that you are doing what you want. You can imagine that at college your parents don’t know what you are up to unless you put in on facebook which would only break their hearts even more. You can and I can imagine that ‘doing what we want!’ is what makes America so special and so unique and so set apart from all those other communist dictators out there. No, that is the problem. We will answer for our deeds and for our actions and most of all, for our choices. Mercy is to be had and God is beyond good and will forgive anyone for anything, but it is still a choice. And most will choose darkness.
I am everything Paul lists just in Romans 3, not to mention all the other places. I am all of those descriptions and more and most likely worse then those descriptions.
I have not a very exciting life so its much easier for me to just talk about other people. I guess I am a leader so its okay to break everyone open because I am trying to be a good leader and I am trying to help them. Really? Talking crap about people really helps them.
I think giving a quarter for someone to take the bus is doing a good deed for the day while I am mostly thinking about how I can waste more money at Starbucks, or on movies, or on eating crappy food. But because I please everyone and appear to be doing things right by praying at my church and praying loudly on the microphone I guess I am fighting the darkness..right?
Sorry to sound negative on myself. I am done beating myself up. I hope I can find life in God to the point of not just talking about my sin with Him. I hope that is not all we talk about in heaven. Its a work in progress.
What I am mostly saying in this attempt to make the point that I highly underestimate my fallen desires. I think I am much better off then I really am. But the good news, however, is that myself and everyone reading this, we do not have to stay this way. Its rather more important for us to understand the bad news before we can rejoice in the Gospel, which means “good news.”
It is both an error to think we are better then what we really are and call our good deeds godliness when it can not be that. “A form(appearance) of godliness, but denying its power.” I fear that we are getting itching ears. And I am, again, looking at me first.
It is much easier for me to believe in a book like ‘Your Best Life Now’ then it would be for me to meditate on Romans 3 and John 3. It would be much easier for me to just feed people at our church’s food ministry and call it making an impact on people or even dare to call it the same thing as love. Love is not food. Love is not stuff. The Gospel is not just for the “blessings” and for a “better life.” Have you read the Declaration of Independence? Have you really believed that we are founded on Godly principles or have some kind of covenant with God because ‘God Bless America’ is the signet phrase on our green money? To my understanding the only covenant nation with God is Israel. I mean Israel in the past and Israel today. So, God so keeps His word that when Israel disobeys God He corrects them by sending the Assyrians, the Chaldeans, and any other surrounding enemy..all for the purpose of correcting them. In Ezekiel alone some 70 times God says, ‘So that they may know that I am the Lord.’ So, covenant with God looks like that. I am pretty sure Russia or North Korea or China have not invaded the shores of America. But is is surely possible if we want to make that kind of commitment back to God.
It hurts to be honest. And the bad news is that we are in danger. We are in grave danger as a country if we think our prosperity means God is for the things we do as a nation. I don’t want to bash America. And God does love us and loves the 300 plus million people who live here..but its still bad news before the good news that we need to hear. Our American Dream is dying. Thanks Adam Smith for breaking it down for us, but it doesn’t take an expert sociologist to say that it is dying. I can’t speak for everyone because I have had a pretty easy life. Yes, my dad was not the best father and my mom stayed with him for much to long and now I have bipolar depression partly because of the abusive home life we had. But no one would have ever guessed that because we went to a charismatic church that loved intercession.
Again, that didn’t change the pain, or the genetic disposition I have, or the negative lies that have warped my mind that now..as a man I have to face so I don’t screw my kids up.
And I love my parents. I still love my dad and my mom and without them I would be way far off doing God knows what. I honor them. I am simply saying that our past is not just buried because ‘all things have become new.’ I hope you understand. We have pain.
Life is hard and I don’t really know what else I have experienced that would put me in a place to hate God because God is not the problem and not the source of the world’s suffering and injustice. He has given us a choice and the choice is ours to now..in spite of our darkness to live lives of humility and choose what is right over what is evil and wrong.
The challenge for us us to make the Ruckus. To make the noise about what is good and who it comes from. Good is from above. ‘Every good and perfect gift.’ ‘God cannot deny Himself’ and that means that He will not compromise any part of Himself. He will always make the perfect choice. If I end up in Hell then He did everything possible for me to not go there. He will be right.
If we can understand our fallen tendencies I think we can better understand the mercy and the goodness that God offers us. I am much to tired of talking about changing and talking about loving and talking about having God in my life when really my life would look a lot different if I was to truly say, ‘God, I need you and I am desperate for you.’
I feel no condemnation. I feel it would help us to evaluate with the word of God and not by the church culture or the culture in general. We are the light. We are the salt. We are not to hide from the world. We are to shine in it.
I am scandal,
Its burns like a candle,
I am the dirt under the
I am yes to dark,
I am yes to corrupt,
I am the interruption
When you are caving in—
I am the pulpit, I am the
Culprit, its gay, its gone,
Its men given over for
Much to long—its wrong,
It burns, it earns its way
Around me—I am sincere,
And I hear, I show up week
After week, yet I do not live
Changed, I do not actually change—
I still choose corruption,
I choose the parts like all
The other frat boys around me—
I choose the breasts and the buts
And the curves and that’s all I see—
I do not see a person,
For perversion has taken a hold
Of me, I am hyprocrite,
I am with the microphone yet
I have no home in God,
I have no direction in Him,
I have nowhere to run,
I have no home,
I am all I need,
And that is why I can’t
Succeed, I came to the
West for gold, now
I am getting old—
I don’t know if I will
Make it, but I know I
Want to live desperate—
Summer is passing,
The ones in the past
Had you in my mind,
Had me all wrapped up tight,
Like a Samsonite, I had
You real tight and packed
Away for me—
I now have let you go,
Bangs down and shadows all
Around, bags under your eyes,
With different strokes you paint
A new future for yourself,
Now I am alone,
Now I am still longing,
Now I buy more new clothes
To look put together,
Yet I have stains,
I have dirt,
I have flirted with
Disaster, I am given over—
I don’t want good, or God,
Of anything of the rod to
Guide me—I am addiction,
In need of non fiction,
I am in need of You
Based on a conversation I had when I was in Denver, Colorado in August of 2007. Reflecting on hearing God.
I used to write it clear
For all the world to hear,
Night was like an endless
Shadow, the world a darkened
Meadow to walk in, steady and
Faithful was me, steady and able,
Willing was I, a learner’s permit
I carried, you are my graduation,
My attenuation carried my situation,
More of His voice, more of His words
To pierce inside of me, the rooftops
Cried out to me, city of thin air, city
I could hear, Denver diner to be clear,
I want to hear, I want to fear, I want
To be near to Him, that fire within, that
Flame again, on the rooftop we talked,
The conflagration, the situation, endless
Nights fighting the break of dawn, fighting
The yawn, killing a weak flesh, weekdays
With Him, weekends within, the end to come
And the world to grow numb, I write it clear
Now, all is not clearly, I am growing elderly,
Grays to soon come, let me not grow cold
As I get old—for I burn to hear—His voice
Speaks, His voice seeks, His voice reaches
In the thinnest air, in the lowest valley,
On the highest point of the mountains,
The interstate, the time to not hesitate,
Live in on the freeway, your daily life,
Your mundane operation—but can I
Hear Him, hear Him clearly
For the past two months we have been playing inline hockey on Thursday nights. All four of us(Team Kneeon Tiger) have only played one other time together. Tonight was our second time. Hockey brings up so many thoughts of joy and gratitude. I played ice hockey for six years straight from 10-16 and back in 2008 I got back into it in Kansas City. Here I am in 2014 still playing. We got to pray for this guy named Mo tonight. Its amazing to be a light in a dark place. Here’s a reflection on it. I am honoring my mom as well who is the ultimate evangelistic example. She uses her job daily to preach the Gospel. Also dedicated to my dad for all those wonderful years of playing.
The skates make me,
Have made me,
Continue to make me,
Grace saves me, continues
To save me, death buries me,
Stays with me, this body carries
About your fragrance, carries about
You, all good things drift past me,
Drift away, I can’t taste anything but
You, I skate it off, this world on wheels,
This world on heels, she skips through
The galley, she daily does rally, the Gospel
On her feet, the Gospel to greet, the clean
And the neat and the dark things that you
Love to chase and pursue, I tie the skates,
And tie them tight, I am grateful that I can
See light at night, that the shadow no longer
Lives around me, these eyes shine bright,
And light up with Holy, light up with True,
Light up with you—I see what won’t get
Me there, so I daily bear it, that thing called
Death, called a battle, called all that can rattle,
All that can make me a man—Christ alone,
I do stand in, skates and you, they guide me
Daily, for what I love you live in it, you stay
In it, disciple of the nations, the nations to
Teach, the nations to reach, just these skates
Is what I have now, for the dark is louder now,
Taking up more space then I can only imagine,
But one thing is true, the Gospel on heels, she
Taught it well—preached it on the airplane,
Left it on the jetway, where the world runs
From pain, there is the glorious terrain of
The world out there, that clicks and persists,
That lives on the freeway, that lives stuck
In traffic, that blasts that thing called
Distraction, called endless satisfaction,
Called lonely nights lying next to one’s
That don’t have it in them—to give love,
To give mercy, to give them what is
Called thirsty—hunger and poverty,
That is the diagnosis, for in it the world
Will see the joy that is unseen
Two summers ago I was having this sensation of friends changing and seasons changing. I just equated it to driving down a road for a long time and the passengers staying interested in you and how that can be true in life too. What others think will never come close to knowing what God thinks. Here’s the reflection.
Tell me how to read,
How to succeed, still
Breathing, still searching,
Still learning to work it,
That thing called striving
With you, a half hearted heart
Is no good, from the starting line
To the finish, I need the replenishing
Of the offering, the pain and the suffering,
Tell me what to set my eyes upon,
For I love beautiful things, made for
Them I was, the images of you walk
In the mirror, in the rear view mirror
Did they sit, backseat in the middle,
In the center, in my speedometer,
What others think is at the center
Of me—their speed, their reading
Of me, their temperature, it fills me
With wonder, with air, I am shortening
My breath, man has to be second best,
Has to be not the first I think of daily,
Eyes up, eyes upon you, eyes that were
Made to see—true wonder, true mystery,
True to turn in me, to turn in thunder,
To turn in wonder, to know that I
Will love all those in front of me,
Backseat I no longer have to sit,
For Your glory is front and center,
Front and temperature, turn it up,
For jealousy burns hot, you are not
Dead, not distant, not my earthly
Dreams, not far away from the
Way I was made, formed second,
And known first—if I stay alive
Let me not die while I live, while
I walk—backseat temperature,
Change to front and center,
Front and burning, you are
A consuming fire
Waste has piled up,
Years of not giving up,
Little kid, crew cut, crew
Of friends, time to bend,
Good times to apprehend,
Dressed to kill was the skill
At 17, when she saw the sunset
With me, with us, with the unit we
Were then—little again, little kid
Inside—older has become bolder,
Stronger now, it has grown on me,
The people close to me, every instagram
Isn’t a sham, I am what I am and love surrounds
Me—man can’t give what he has not received—
You called me, you called it free, even the demons
Were subject to you—and Satan has fallen around
Me, has tried to defeat me—I am not sentimental,
I am just existential, trust is essential—shall I rejoice
That I can cast out, or has death already been casted out
Of me? Faith, what is it that makes me well? What is the
Real hell, is it not being loved while thinking you have
Been loving? Houses they fall, for the waste will soon
Burn, I am not 17 again, I am 17 years away from maybe
Dying? Young we seem, lost in ideals, lost in the wheels
Of materials and the minerals that spin in them—this
Rotten earth, O, how creation groans daily! Evil it is on
The rise, the Son soon to beat the sunset—power, I want
It but what is the real miracle—we love, we give, we are
Accepted by you—young Jared never knew that kind
Of acceptance—now he sees that you have never left
Or forsaken—man is fallen, so was our youth—but in
The fields you will find me, plowing and working,
Preparing for the day when the sickle goes in and
Many are born again—don’t let me waste my youth,
Waste time, waste this precious dispensation called