Front And Temperature

Two summers ago I was having this sensation of friends changing and seasons changing. I just equated it to driving down a road for a long time and the passengers staying interested in you and how that can be true in life too. What others think will never come close to knowing what God thinks. Here’s the reflection.

Tell me how to read,
How to succeed, still
Breathing, still searching,
Still learning to work it,
That thing called striving
With you, a half hearted heart
Is no good, from the starting line
To the finish, I need the replenishing
Of the offering, the pain and the suffering,
Tell me what to set my eyes upon,
For I love beautiful things, made for
Them I was, the images of you walk
In the mirror, in the rear view mirror
Did they sit, backseat in the middle,
In the center, in my speedometer,
What others think is at the center
Of me—their speed, their reading
Of me, their temperature, it fills me
With wonder, with air, I am shortening
My breath, man has to be second best,
Has to be not the first I think of daily,
Eyes up, eyes upon you, eyes that were
Made to see—true wonder, true mystery,
True to turn in me, to turn in thunder,
To turn in wonder, to know that I
Will love all those in front of me,
Backseat I no longer have to sit,
For Your glory is front and center,
Front and temperature, turn it up,
For jealousy burns hot, you are not
Dead, not distant, not my earthly
Dreams, not far away from the
Way I was made, formed second,
And known first—if I stay alive
Let me not die while I live, while
I walk—backseat temperature,
Change to front and center,
Front and burning, you are
A consuming fire

Wasted Days

Waste has piled up,
Years of not giving up,
Little kid, crew cut, crew
Of friends, time to bend,
Good times to apprehend,
Dressed to kill was the skill
At 17, when she saw the sunset
With me, with us, with the unit we
Were then—little again, little kid
Inside—older has become bolder,
Stronger now, it has grown on me,

The people close to me, every instagram
Isn’t a sham, I am what I am and love surrounds
Me—man can’t give what he has not received—
You called me, you called it free, even the demons
Were subject to you—and Satan has fallen around
Me, has tried to defeat me—I am not sentimental,
I am just existential, trust is essential—shall I rejoice
That I can cast out, or has death already been casted out
Of me? Faith, what is it that makes me well? What is the
Real hell, is it not being loved while thinking you have
Been loving? Houses they fall, for the waste will soon
Burn, I am not 17 again, I am 17 years away from maybe
Dying? Young we seem, lost in ideals, lost in the wheels

Of materials and the minerals that spin in them—this
Rotten earth, O, how creation groans daily! Evil it is on
The rise, the Son soon to beat the sunset—power, I want
It but what is the real miracle—we love, we give, we are
Accepted by you—young Jared never knew that kind
Of acceptance—now he sees that you have never left
Or forsaken—man is fallen, so was our youth—but in
The fields you will find me, plowing and working,
Preparing for the day when the sickle goes in and
Many are born again—don’t let me waste my youth,
Waste time, waste this precious dispensation called

Mercy Lens

I am taking it in
Through your mercy lens
Weakness fails me,
City life crowds me,
Hotel living it seems
Broken American dreams
On the carpet of the
Famous I wanted to walk,

Clicking the pics
Picking up their cigarettes,
Taking in their smoke,
Inhaling their lifestyle,
Making it worthwhile,
Filming stayed with me
When teenager outgrew me,

Now their lights seem like
Dark, Man of Steel steals
Me away but only for truth
To stay, unsatisfied is
Their color red that lines
Them dead, golden trophies
They accept,

Broke the world stays,
Future haunts me,
Cause this present fails
Me, it can’t stay this
Broken forever, and it
Seems a movie to me,
But no one can capture
Holy, can film purity,
Heaven only stays in titles,

Mercy lens has me in,
My life of poverty is the
Party I attend, for love
Does apprehend and take
A hold of me, let my
Golden dreams have silver
In them when the flame
Comes, revealed to the mercy
Lens it will only have me
And my love to stand,

Save the Hollywood in me,
Let the movie roll mercy,
Fade to black, my credits roll,
Recede like a scroll, its
You Me and mercy!

A Little Rejection

I dissect
I digress
I make small progress,
Easily impressed am I
With the stars in the sky,
I wonder of my breath
And the breathing I do,
I reject you a little more
Each day, for your goodness
Gets in my way of trying
To stay put inside myself

And beside me is my tragedy
I am a runaway, pain a getaway
Leaving me on the jetway
Of broken choices, I push
You back running on
Empty have I been,
Rejection is my greatest
Sin, how do you love me
Over and over again?

How is a now that rings in
Me now be the time to
Embrace the today
While it is called that
Help me not reject you

Pick Me

Pick me
Reveal me
You I see
Death, sorrow,
Turmoil, lack of
Oil, lamp fading,
Light dying, black
All around, the shadow,
The sound—hollow does
Swallow the dead man in me—
Empty, you say, empty it
Out today! Bored I am,
Dull I am, tired in sin coming
From within, me is a lost cause,
My is a because, because sin
Rules me, darkness stays close
To me—prick and pick the hardest
Parts, these parts that sink when
Trials take place, I need you now
To be my rock, my refuge, let it
Now flow out of me, the pages of
Tragedy—redeem them again,
A new story within, let me see
Light in a darkened dull lull
That I live in, cause me to live
And give my all to you—I

Red Eyes (summer 2012)

The use of Red Eyes first came from the Switchfoot song Red Eyes. It was such a perfect ending to Hello Hurricane. I can’t tell you how many times I have blasted this while driving and rocking out. The line in the song, ‘nowhere feels safe to me, nowhere feels home, even in crowds I am alone.’ I dig and when I was writing this I was thinking of how much I appreciate my mom. She is a flight attendant. I find it slips into many a poems my references to airplane and airport language. I love using the idea of traveling as a device to show the escapism in our souls. Jetway, fuselage, my samsonite, turbulence..Wanting to not be around certain people at times, feeling lonely, wanting to run away. God sees. And in God seeing our cry for acceptance should give us red eyes. Either we cry or we pull our hair out wrestling with longings that are most of the time just a sign that God is doing more in us and that their is more…

All my life been searching for that deep down satisfaction

Now I am lacking and missing in action, love has slipped from

Me, love has moved away from me, now the sky opens up pleasantly,

And draws near to me, hearts all around open up to me, now I can

Barely see, red eyes tonight, Persian queen tuck me in, make me clean,

Turbulence you lived in, turbulence you stayed in, out the door it became

Fall to blame, winter to never change, balmy breeze to put you at ease,

Orange town on fire now, down town a look to tell all, see safety is what

I want, but love is what you have, nothing now tastes the same, not that

Little bit of fame that I have to my own name, now all I want is for things

To never change, now I feel like I need to rearrange this time of mine,

And change my mind to be a man now, to grow up now, and give in now

To that which should overtake my choices, volition kicking, premonition

Down the freeway, just a backseat chaser listening to those in front now

To afraid to drive down this narrow road, unsure as always of that which

Sits inside of me, doubting that power so easily, red eyes tonight trying

To get it right, up late for all the wrong reasons, notebooks full of lies,

Continuing to pile up, now Lord keep me screwed up, fix up now on that which

Is needed, new revolutions per minute down this freeway drive, the

Summer sense changing now, all my expectations lifted now, just waiting

For change, but now Love is all that remains, time no more needed to be

Wasting away, time now for me to live and say yes to you today






Book Review: Confessions Of A Latter-Day Virgin: Part 2

Having a night to sleep on what I just posted yesterday I have some more thoughts regarding the themes involved in the discussion. But, to not get to off subject, I want to say more about the three I mentioned in the last post because those are very necessary to this book.

First, I will give my overview. Nicole Hardy spans across at least 4 decades of her life from birth to early forties, but primarily she focuses on the bumpy, difficult years of 20 to 30. As well as her thirties. Nicole displays, what one reviewer called ‘Cognitive Dissonance.’ The reviewer wrote: “Cognitive Dissonance is described as: “The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feeling of discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs. When there is a discrepancy between beliefs and behaviors, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance.”
She struggles through her twenties with the idea of finding her sole value and purpose in two things: marriage and having children. Rather, she wants to stay true to her dreams and desires. She wants to be a writer and spend her time being creative. I relate heavily to wanting to write and be creative. The first 200 pages are full of Nicole sticking to her convictions and having trouble in all her relationships. She struggles with liking the non-Mormon or LDS(Latter-Day Saints) guys because they want sex after a few dates. And she struggles with the seemingly impaired LDS guys who seem to think that women are a means to an end. That we should be in love, but really I need you to bear me some children.

Nicole has a real crisis of faith at 35, nearing almost 36. She decides to stop caving into the pressure and the boundaries of marriage before sex. She succeeds at writing, at diving in the Caymen’s, and being herself. This is where that cognitive dissonance thing comes into play. How hard is it to stay pure outside of marriage? It is hard and I am not trying to champion what parts of this book I wouldn’t do myself. I said in the first part, that as hard as it is God’s boundaries are there for a reason. And we need to press through the lies of culture and value God’s word above people’s comfort. Doesn’t it say-in the end of the age-men would be lover’s of pleasure, rather than God? She comes to grip with these many tensions. And I greatly appreciate someone opening up about how hard purity can be, but also how confusing the “religious dating scene” can be. I put up quotes cause I don’t know what else you would call it. Dating, just by itself, is not easy. Its not the movies everyone. In the movie the guy is at the party with his bros and he figures out who the best looking girl is in the place and goes for it. Next scene: girl and guy wake up the next morning. And people would say: well, I guess the guy got the girl. No. The dating scene is more like this.”Hey, you don’t look your ChristianMingle picture at all?” Awkward…

She does give in and she does lose the label of “virgin” and then it just ends with her getting published in the New York Times.

Continue reading “Book Review: Confessions Of A Latter-Day Virgin: Part 2”