Certainty

8/7 to 8/21- I was getting some help at the hospital for my mental health.

I am looking for a moment
I am looking for me to own it,

This illness is a mistress
Cause I hid myself from you,
Is there a new view

I am looking for a moment
When all you have are moments
To give away..

Are you defined,
Or are you definition.

Are you repeating,
Or are you repetition

Is this old,
Or is this a rendition

How many times have you called
Me out into the hallway,
To call me out of my medicines,
To calm me down with medicines
To bring down all the sympathy,
Cause this here is no symphony,

I feel the sounds,
And the louds,
And the ears that ring.

But I am asking for a revision,
A revision of my decisions.

Are you any kind of collection,
Or any kind of selection

Are you my friend,
Or my companion.

Is everyone gonna stay,
Or is everyone gonna leave.

Is this a 51/ 50,
Or are you never gonna leave me.

Cause in the end all I have is the hallway..
Is the long stay,
A break like this called Hell,
You call getting well.

Did I give it all to you,
Did I surrender fully..

You press
You pressure
You sift
You shift
You ask for the gears
You take all the tears,
You speed this thing in
The fast lane.

I am well cause
I am in Hell,
And getting well
Is the next swell,

Give me waves,
Give me freedom.
Give me a reason
To escape,
To conquer,
To win.

Day #5 – Red Car

The theme of 60 days of poetry this year is cars and my dad. The deeper meaning behind all the ways we were raised. In the past decade plus of having this blog reflections on my upbringing come up all over the place. I am more than grateful for the person that I am because of my family. We all have painful memories and things we would have not changed at all. My dad sacrificed a lot of himself for me to play ice hockey from 10 to 16. We traveled all over Colorado playing games every weekend 8 months out of the year plus early morning practices + all the training on the off season + everything else that is involved with being addicted to the love of the game 🙂 I honor my dad for that time that we had. I also remember his dark side. His anger. His grief. His chemical imbalances. His depression. I am his son. Jared means inheritor. I got it all. I got his green eyes. I got his intelligence. I got his depression.

April 20th.

“We hated that red car,

We still knew, deep down,

We would get far.”

I dreamed of this last night,

How you used to drag me around, and drag me down.

How you used to fill us with your dreams of celebrity,

And were we the number one priority?

I knew your name as much as you let me,

I always wanted more,

I needed your mystery.

” I hated that red car,

it took us far, but isn’t red just

A big fat stop sign?”

I have this dialogue now that I

Have to be a man,

Now that I have to do more than

Survive, now that I have to take all

The things you gave me,

And all the things you took away.

Bright red like sports,

Like fast, like fast girls, and

Sex in the city,

Red like lipstick,

For all the first kisses that

Never happened in that time,

Red for anger, for rage, for

Turning pale,

For all the red faced moments,

In that red paced car,

For that red and later

Blackened heart you gave us.

I dreamed of this last night,

How you used to drag me around, and drag me down.

How you used to fill us with your dreams of celebrity,

And were we the number one priority?

I have different dreams now,

Dreams that have nothing to do with you,

And the things I lived under,

And the blame for all the red hot moments

That were hard to erase,

That creep up in fast pace,

In the fast cars I still drive,

And the lips I still try to kiss,

And the endless bliss I can

Get from living a life of redemption,

For living a life of driving away,

Driving away,

Driving away,

Driving away,

Driving fast,

Driving faster,

Driving as long as I can,

Not away from the things that got me

This far,

That red car,

That red look on your face,

That red car,

The wrist scars I

Still carry,

Driving away,

Driving fast,

Driving again,

Driving into something

Different. After all,

Tomorrow is Easter?

Tomorrow is about resurrection.

 

 

Day #4 – Drive Away

April 9th

Keys, You gave?

Were you mighty to Save?

Did you walk, and talk and build this up from

The beginning?

Was this a heated room, and a burning groom?

Are you the next in line,

Are you the next of kin,

Is this all about me in the end.

Gave me something different,

It was still a whole lot of effort,

Picking up the papers of old,

And the journals we had before the fold,

Picking up the papers of old,

Moving those boxes,

Catching foxes,

And getting out of your driveway,

No, I was waiting Dad, waiting for the

Drive Away,

Like when we were younger,

We hated a lot of things about the

Cars, the scars, the bars we could have

Been in, the world we could have been

Forgiven?

Keys, you gave,

Keys, and houses to be built upon,

A church is only as good as the

Eschaton,

And that seemed to be all you were

Dreaming about,

Waiting for the Drive Away,

On the driveway,

On the edge of the getaway,

We hated that red car,

We still knew, deep down,

We would get far.

Day #36- Still Here

July 26th

 

‘Summer is over’ can feel that song playing in my mind,

I started you,

I started you on time.

I know I see Oakland.

I see Golden Gates in fog mornings,

I see downtown spaces and places

Where you once found me too..

I know I had a river view,

A coast to stare at,

A world to care at..

This body can’t take it,

But it does.

I had fragile love to take,

And fragile innocence to replace.

I had a mission to try this ambition,

I was running like you were too.

Summer can’t be over,

Cause I am still not over, too.

Still is a still here,

Still standing wasn’t the

Reprimanding.

I chased you you follow, too.

I ran and I ran straight from You,

So land me back where I live,

And where I can’t survive.

Follow me a fountain,

A place to wander,

And a time to still wonder:

Will you satisfy?

Or will this summer come to a close

To fast?

Summer series..Bad 1

I am not gonna let summer win..

1 Bad
1 bad experience leads to another and then you become,
Less than a lover.
Less than a friend.

Why we spend so much time in Pain,
In the rain,
Without the protection,
Without the inspection.

Today is now for you.
You are the one that makes new.

I fight.
Summer will be with us now.
Summer is here,
It is now.

I am not fading out,
I am not going away.

If there is heat,

Then why don’t you runaway,

Car fires,

Rises, high or low,

Ready, now,

Do you want to know?

Got a lot of bad reasons to leave,

A few bad one’s to see,

1 more than 2 is more than at least 3.