Gotta Be

I have gotta be doing better, guys..I mean, with everything. Life has never been better but it could always be something even better? Do you do this? Do you do this thing where you struggle with patience.

Gary Vaynerchuk inspiration: ” Close your eyes until you are 29!” Well, thanks, but I am 32. Ok, seriously I love Gary Vee and that is not what he was talking about. His advice is one hundred percent true.

If you are reading this blog then you are on the journey with me. I feel like I don’t always define what I mean but the more that I have been on this thing the more raw and real I have wanted to become. I feel like I am, but it is also the internet so you should’t tell people what you struggle with. Someone might use it against you someday.

I don’t like the idea of waste. I gotta be honest.

I don’t like the idea of coming to the end of life and saying, ” I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time!” Or, so much money!

Or this or that.

The harsher word is regret, yet both seem connected.

I gotta be honest. I don’t think I am always honest. I think I tell myself that I have always felt like I am being to hard on myself or the fact that I think I am means I am really in a good place for even wanting to do better. At least I am one of those people that cares.

I was in Downtown L.A. this week for work. And I listened to Fast Car remix on the way home. One of these days I will probably make a video to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, and Gun Song by the Lumineers.

I gotta be sitting here in Starbucks instead of playing hockey thinking I never have enough time to create the things I want to.


If you read Making Ideas Happen by Scott Belsky you will realize you mostly think yourself into a mess and never get yourself out of the mess.

An idea is one percent of it says Clint Berry.

Clint is a great inspiration and friend to me. And those close to me might never ever know what I am thinking. But I am always thinking, and just thinking feels like its gotta be a problem.

Life without action could be a lot of things but it becomes close to nothing.

Thinking is a gift but making something happen that is a service.

The only book I read in 2017 was Linchpin by Seth Godin. I bought 5 copies for our office. I got everyone hooked on that book because ALL OF IT IS TRUTH.

Art is a gift. The irony here is that I am blogging about stuff I am wrestling with telling myself that I struggle with not wanting to waste time and yet you are reading this.

I am glad I wrote this.

Its gotta be late and time for bed.

And that’s gotta be a hard one for me. Trying to rest.


#7 Approval

4.10.18- 60 days continues..
Digging for some approval,
For some arrival.
Can you just sit here with me?
Can you just be better than now,
Or just the same somehow.
I know I had to know,
Or maybe I never did.
I am sorry I let you down,
But I am not hanging on anymore.
I see the people walk around me,
Never not so sure are they.
Never not so sure will they be.
Seeking the approval aren’t they?
We had the beach,
We had the reach,
You had the teach,
You had the breach.
Now we and you aren’t
In the same,
The same as always,
The same as never can be.
I need Your approval,
If you could show me.
I need You here with me,
I need something different
Then I used to get,
Cause you were never
To good at paying rent.
I need the arrival,
From this approval soon
To be,
I need this now,
More than ever before.

#6 Saturday


Is it now,
Should it be?
Is this the way,
The way to the emptiest of
The beginning of escape.
I am tormented by You,
By all I could do?
I did delete that app
The one with the dreams,
And the getaway.
It seemed covered
In love, and something
But I can’t rhyme,
Not today.
It is something to hate.
How you lie so easily.
How I spend all my money
On you.
On the thirst that comes
From finding you.
I went to worship,
This orange place
Had some space,
All was fair with
No kind of war.
Will I stay?
Or would I
Walk away?
Still on for the
And the taking
That comes from
I am lost, now.
Lost in my own sense
Of dream.
Do I need more?
Or do I need the
I wonder,
I wonder the fountain.
Will I drink, too?
Or will I be the same
Kind of man,
The same as You.

#5 Photos

God knows your photos,
Why you take them down,
And why you keep them up.
Is ready,
Ready for the grown up?
Cause I can’t picture you
I can’t,
Its a chore.
I asked for more,
For hunger.
For the work
that goes with the labor.
I wondered now,
Are you the living thing,
Or the only thing?
Are you in secret
All this time,
Or are You the One,
The one I can find.
Look, I want to say yes.
But I can’t say no.
So easily are you here.
But, I need you,
I need you to disappear.
This isn’t easy,
But it isn’t that hard.
I got bad luck,
I got the boulevard.
I walked it,
I used it,
No, I used to bus it.
Down this road,
In this college,
Sitting now by the
Next big memory to
I won’t call back,
Or leave you a note.
But I will tell you
I will miss the float.
The high,
The relax,
The bad tax
That came,
Cause all I did,
Was give you
My name.
I gave it away,
No, you did to,
It was a spin,
It was a sin,
It was everything I said
I will never do
I wonder now,
Will you cross to,
Over to blue?
Instead of gray,
Instead of black,
Instead of lack?
I draw near,
I draw further from You.

Where is Joy?

I have often felt like..why am I still writing on this thing? It has 700 plus followers and could have 1 million. Why do you write? Why do any of us want what we think about to be that always a good thing?

I might be to transparent about the fact that this online journal is my life but I have not always gone into the details about what day-to-day life is about. The exciting part is that the past decade of the Ruckus Journal has seen many day jobs, cities, living situations, and most of all relationships.

Catching you up on all of that..well..that is what I mean..what to do with all of that. This picture was taken 10 days ago and captures what life has been like the past few years. Working with Able Source( now I can really say it) and See Inside Virtual Tours..not that I didn’t want to talk about it years ago but so much of my experience has been just that..a great experience that I cannot always put language to.

Where is Joy? I mean where is the joy that you can find in something not always seen and experienced right away. Joy as a subject is a series of sermons. Joy as a lifestyle is a craving we have. Joy as a language is rarely spoken. Do you ever feel like you shouldn’t feel good all of the time? If you do feel like feeling good is a crime then you are not alone. If you always think it is then you might stay alone.

I am throwing this out there. Life is meant to be lived. I think we know that. I think we have to know that or else all you do is live a daily life, and guess what you have to.

Where is Joy? Where is the pride of excellence? Where do you get it from and where do you want to get it from?

Think about it.

edited me smiling

#4 Wondering the fountain

If I could start it off right,
I know I said that last night,
And I meant it,
But you were the went with it,
Now you had me here on the
Charging you for every care,
Weighing me down on the fare,
Cause it cost me all of me to
Find you,
I know I could never respond,
But I know I can’t either,
Coffee stains on this blue
Fridays left me in despair,
Why you gotta get going
on me?
Lost the pair of courage for
You, the pair of identity,
Now, I am ordering a new one,
A new set of burning.
Still going for the earning.
Still wondering the fountain,
Are you thirsty,
Or are you hungry?
I wanted love,
More than justice,
But both taste so good.
Are you gonna show up,
And hotel up on this?
Are you gonna wait for this
Magic to happen?
Or is failure your only
You were off a little,
You were of a bigger
You were off on the
Biggest of the smallest
Kind of dreams,
You were wanting me to
Take your place,
But I can’t.
I wonder this fountain,
I wonder this mystery
Called mountain,
Will you climb it for me?
Will you search it out for me?
Will you be the one, now,
The one and only called
Or are you a mystery,
Like you could never get
to know me?
I won’t start it off right,
But you can teach me
Teach me how to crossover.