Future

I never did have it clear,
If you were the one I wanted to fear.
I had a little view of the future.
I had no clue it was Yours.
i just couldn’t wait to get on that stage,
To write the next page,
To be the one to raise that flag.
They all voted for me
Like I was secure,
Like I was for sure.
It did soon diminish,
The light covered in darkness,
You had the waiting room
Cleared for me,
For those that had some trauma,
Some pain without assurance.
I saw the raised ways,
I saw you save little anyway.
I just couldn’t wait for my first camera,
For the first capture,
Then came that talk of the
Rapture,
And the slides in the sky
That could go into place,
That would slide up and
Slip away from this place.
Did you ever think it was His?
Or were you to busy watching TV,
That’s what everyone seems to do best.
The final capture,
The future rapture,
The future you raised me
Into,
All I know is, the future,
It belongs to You.

Raised, 2

I said I didn’t have a say,
I said I could pass it up,
When you passed that cup,
When I was stirred up,
Passionate to say the least
It was a never ending feast,
I always said, ‘no good for me,
No good at the sales story,’
We had a little hard time back
Then, sold those calendars for
Dinner, for lunch, for another
Holiday of living like the rest,
I said I had no say over those things
I was young then, I was younger then,
I was fitted to thing,
I had no sink to sit in
No water to drain, to
Drain again,
You were the one,
You were the holder of the family,
Of those love keys,
Now I am 31 and growing up,
Or I am just grown,
But I hate a couple things about
Being older,
Its that love like the boulder
That used to crash down on me,
That love that was a constant crush,
That was a constant rush to my
Head,
I am older and far away from how
I was raised,
I am far, far away from those days,
I am the one that you want now,
I am the vision you saw,
I am the vision that was dreamed up,
Now I hate it being grown without a
Home,
A home called wisdom,
A home called expansion,
Called mansion is overrated,
All I know is that I am the one
You chose,
I am the one real close to Ya,
I am the one that was raised by you,
I just can’t get some memories out
Of my head,
But yours are the one’s I should keep,
So I thought I was close to calling it
A quits,
I am at the line closest to the end zone,
But I am the one,
I am the one charging in,
And saying no to quitting,
I am the one that is still
Running,
And you got to know,
It all started with You,
It all started with making some
Sales as a kid,
Making that money to save
Us, making that money to
Learn a thing or two about
Success,
Cause now I am older,
I am bolder,
I am louder now,
And its all because of You.

Part 1

I have come to this place.

Like I was without volition,

Or any ambition.

I was the one that heard it from you first.

I did all that I could to try and listen.

You were just a beautiful kind of vision.

I said I would start working out for you,

I would start running for you.

Didn’t we meet in chaos to begin with?

So now I am in the volition,

I am on a day off still in ambition.

I am still wondering why I ever tried so hard

But it was because of the way I was raised.

I was raised for you to see,

All the shining parts of me.

I am in it now,

Waiting for this part to stay the stage,

To never wonder the next page,

I am the risk, and the wonder.

I am raised this way,

Raised in thunder and raised in rain…

Hotel

For you I’ll stay 

I’ll waste away 

I’ll let you guess how wild I’ve been..

Cause college was a could have been.

Now she sleeps in my bed

Waiting for morning instead ,

Should I remember the reasons 

For allowing this to begin with ,

I don’t know ,

But keeping it a secret ,

12 months later,

That’s a problem.

Ready For It

So I am up for the challenge,
Shaking you from college,
All those days I was studying
Just wondering about my
Wandering,
Saw you in the shadows,
Saw you from the meadows,
Saw you with the way things
Could have been,
Saw you moving up to the
Mountains,
Saw you living with the strangers
In your bed,
Saw you call me instead of
The others,
Saw you leave that behind too,
I see that challenge,
Its an empty road,
Its a risk filled
Adventure,
But safety is preemptive,
Is the assumptive,
Comfort for breakfast,
When empty is what you need.
Hunger is first,
hunger is the greater
Tragedy,
I am ready,
Ready to leave this country,
The stress,
The noise,
The way you looked at me.
I am ready for Africa,
Ready for the empty,
Ready to get hungry
Off living for Your empty.

That Should Be Okay

Your intro usually is like one of those introductions where you say, “Hey, I told you we would talk and stay in touch, but I haven’t.” Weird. AwKWAERD. Pause. After someone says that. “Hey, don’t you remember me, we went to high school together?”

I was just in my hometown and I have been able to come back a few times in the last few months with my job, so just yesterday I met someone who went to Rocky Mountain but a few years older than me. So, 13 years later from that place and its still not akward.

That’s ok cause all that matters is where you are now, right? That actually is never a reason to stop talking to people, but it can be, or it usually becomes that way. Your world is exposed. It is overly and vigorously exposed by technology.

Everything on me is hot. And if someone that knows me reads that line they will without reticence tell me how dumb that line sounds. My phone is hot. This 2010 macbook is hot. Everything is burning up, and burning with the sound of connection.

I haven’t been the best person lately. I have also been the best I have ever been. 4 years ago my life was the worst it has ever been. 4 years before that it was halfway between the years of being the worst it has ever been. And 4 years before that was the beginning of leaving Colorado and staying up all night in Kansas City. Building the temple and changing myself night after night.

Some things are still the same and everything else is not.

Life has this weird notion of telling you to expect a feeling after something takes place.

The phone burns when you use it, so does your tv, and so does your computer. And if you take away those things you are left with yourself which usually can be the worst and most atrocious feeling. No drug, no girl or guy, and nothing really can save you from silence. Silence by itself is salvatory( not a word). It is a saving action only one who embraces silence can feel. That should be ok, but its not.

I spend more time writing the wrong sentence then the right one. I spend more time on what I need to avoid more of. Less caffeine for a lot of reasons.

.Less 3.45 cents on Starbucks. Don’t ask me if that happens daily cause it has been. I travel, so that is my excuse but this has been going on for 4 years now. Help me with some advice. I am okay.

I want to tell you that telling yourself you will start tomorrow usually starts by falling asleep with that intention.

Easter was recent and its message is more recent. I did this not okay thing this year. I didn’t go to church. I went to the Clipper’s game then I went and partied a little bit with some really good looking person is as dead as…I am not sure. Should I say what is really going on in my life. Well, no I have not used this blog to journal. I have talked about a myriad of relational pains and tensions usually in poetry. It is usually the YOU that no one knows I refer to and for a lack of better encouragement it really don’t matter.

I slept in. That should have been okay. It is okay. Church is not the definition of spiritual success, but if the reason for sleeping in is something else then the issue is not of attendance it is of intention. You are still okay.

Here’s what I have not realized up until the last couple years of life. Most of my efforts to live right have been centered around the more than okay amount of information I have on the “LAW.” I mean the bible. I mean LAW is a whole other blog post.

You know why Christianity is hard? Because you already know how to live and you day by day have the chance to do right( and be rewarded for it), but you don’t, or you do, but when you don’t you are not OKAY.

Your level of knowing the right thing does not increase your level of doing the right thing. So, in one sense, who cares what others see you do. No one really ever knows what my intentions are. I do think we can tell when someone is not honest, or not themselves in that given situation, but we also don’t know how hard it can be for people to fake it and really be meaning well just because our tendencies revolve around putting on a show for people.

You are not okay, and you are okay. You are not going to be perfect ever, but what worries all of us is our fear of not being perfect.

You realize that fear is the worst of the emotions. Abuse would be the worst of pain in its many forms and what it produces in the heart of people. Anger misdirected is destruction. Anger in a right way is productive. Anger is a release of passion. It is a response to something not being right, but it is also a leach. And those leaches are not okay.

Screenshot_2016-04-30-21-39-47

Here’s my tension. I am in the airport. I am never seeing you again.

But when I do be okay with not being okay. Right now in your life you are more moved by what to avoid. Can you rip out the verses that make you uncomfortable? Can you actually come to the conclusion that if these verses go away so does the uncomfortable response you have when you read them?

Please don’t talk to me in 13 years and tell me, “Hey, I think we went to school together.” Cause we should be past that by now.