White Walls

Are you alone when you’re home,

Pacing hallways looking 

For payphones,

Quarters for smokes

Are we home yet?

Is this a little piece of 


I can barely see the 


Are you living in this 

Water, all you do 

Is the work,

Will this really work,

This thing called love.

Are you over this place yet,

Is your bed on the empty

Since I’ve lost my mind,

Are you still lovely 

Without me,

Is this place costly,

Can I leave for free?

Are you still alone 

When you’re home,

You don’t know the 

Phone like I do,

Can I call to know 

Your voice?

This place is running 

On empty,

White walls with white 

Halls and no one knows 

My name,

Who’s to blame?

Can’t explain to you

The pain of wandering

Or the loss with no 


Giving pills,

Losing thrills,

Lost your chills,

Where do we go from 


Are you fear,

Can you be here?

Alone at home,

Without you here,

Away from that place

Where we used to pace.

Follow Up

Following Up

And not showing up,

Is this place safe,

Or are you away?

Falling asleep without

You next to me,

Going backwards

Again and again,

Can’t just be friends,

Can’t just live again!

Did you see the sorrow,

Did you follow up?

Did you grow up with

Greys instead,

Are you sure of the
Love you gave?

Is this safety,

Or did you run from me?

Told you secrets and


Tried for the tied,

But never could win

With you,

Now you are sinking

And falling to,

Did you ever follow up,

Couches orange when

You wanted to show up,

Are we safe now? 

Are you unsure now?

I am drowning down

And night after night

I am asking for your 

Name to reign,

Can you calm the

Storm of sorrow I 


Did you follow up?

Did you follow to?

Can I just follow through?

How many days have you 

Been through without


I can’t follow up

Or show up like
I used to

Louder Now Episode #129( Domestic Violence Awareness Month And Post Traumatic Growth With Agape Garcia)

Show notes:

Louder Now is back with a new episode for a new month. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. My guest today tells her story of surviving domestic abuse and how to move in post traumatic growth. I so enjoyed talking with her. She is also doing big things and helping so many people now. Proud of her and honored that she shared on this podcast.

Agape’s BIO:

Be Your Incredible Self (BYIS) best describes Ms. Garcia’s tenacious attitude towards empowering others. Garcia, over the past 35 years has navigated through domestic violence, privacy, safety, vulnerability, and the mindset to endure personal adverse events in life. 

Her survival of a double attempted homicide while 8 months pregnant (by the father) and the desperation to survive became the catalyst to the foundation of BYIS while achieving an undisputed outlook of independence.  During her journey to overcome, Garcia learned that extreme independence is a trauma driven response and a natural one which can be defeated through focused, self awareness and intentional control. 

Through her own walk, harsh lessons brought on by extreme independence resulted in areas of her life being sabotaged repeatedly.  Her personal journey of post traumatic growth has led Garcia to dedicating her life in developing transformational programs, various forms of coaching, certification courses and establishing a nonprofit to help real time victims. Her commitment is to provide lifelong transformational habits that can restore your powerful internal sense of control. One of her personal statements, ‘You don’t live anywhere but in your head’  is why some of her laser focus teachings are on aligning your mental and emotional belief system. 

As her passion grew from her own personal struggles, Garcia became active within the community receiving a Mayoral appointment to work with various Law Enforcement and Government agencies. 

Garcia has spent more than 20 years in the corporate world holding positions in Office Administration, Project Management, Compliance, Policy writing, Team building, Training, Leadership and Consulting. She continued to serve other organizations including the American Society for Industrial Security (ASIS), Board of Directors, and holds a current membership in the FBI vetted private sector program of InfraGard. As VP of a Security Consultant Company, she has developed programs with leadership responsible for security and emergency management. These emphasize awareness toward identifying different stages of human behavior leading towards violence mitigation.

While working, attending school, and raising her kids as a single parent, her personal priorities of housing, safety and privacy for her children were of utmost importance. This required Garcia to navigate through various self-help centers, state, city, local programs, systems and assistance to create a stable foundation for her family while providing the ability to assist others. She also volunteers and collaborates with local law writer(s), in support of bills under Public Safety.

Garcia believes in the need to feel loved, wanted, and cared for as a part of life in all of us. Living through emotional tugs of war and learning to apply a controlled healthy mindset to overcome voids, shortcomings, and to break unhealthy cycles is who she is today versus the opposite of where she came from. Today, she prides herself on meeting the daily challenges of being vulnerable and safe at the same time while empowering others to Be Your Incredible Self.

Garcia’s personal mission is to help lead others in transforming their survival of Domestic Violence (DV) into Post Traumatic Growth and to mitigate the depletion of resources for real time victims.

Sharing her personal testimony has empowered so many others. She loves teaching her BYIS formula of: How to combine Situational Awareness with Emotional Intelligence to control your triggers.


Go to her website:  




Linked In:




End of Show Notes:

Please email jared.diehl@gmail.com if you would like to be a guest on the podcast.

Please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts:


Follow me on Instagram:


*** call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 



*** Technical Glitch–there might be some echo towards the end of the interview..not sure how to fix this but just to let you know there might be an echo** Thank you!

Late Night Repair

Late night repair,

Need you here,

Are you good,

Or just there?

Got you for the getaway,

Trying to drift,

Making the shift,

Seeing you

Whenever I go,

Walking away 

With love on my 


Late night repair,

Heart on a wire,

Words for the despair,

Are you more than

Just here? 

Asking for change,

Looking for the 


Now we are sitting

And speaking,

No one looks

Free in the twilight,

Still got the ache

When dark becomes


I am a late soul,

Losing control,

And wandering

With the eyes

You gave me,

Late night repair,

Blood and needles

And things to come,

When will you come?

Is it soon?

Is this a close up

And a zoom,

Is nearness what You


Cause I got pain

You are far,

Farther then I can


Living for the love

But today is misery,

Falling apart in the day,

And waiting up for you in

The night.

Many Nights

To many nights like this,

Trying to find someone 

To miss,

How many times did you

Leave us on the floor,

Up at night,

Asking for more,

Trying to let go,

Trying to explore,

To many night trying to change,

Waiting for the 


Waiting for you to call,

Waiting for the fall,

Waiting for the departure.

To many nights lost in the 

Lust only one can hide,

Thought I saw your face,

Thought you left this place,

Thought I could use you,

But I can’t follow through

With following you,

Can’t find a way to keep

On loving you.

To many nights where 

Morning never ends,

And is the eternal love

Something to miss,

Something to skip,

You in a red dress

Can’t change what

I have seen and
Where we have


Can’t miss you more

Than I do now,

To many nights like this,

Are you the one I miss,

Or is it someone else?

Middle Days

Got me in the middle of


Made me remember

How I forgot about you,

Moved away,

Got away,

Under the sway,

Are you evil,

Or did you try to love me?

Trying to do things now,

Trying to be a man,

Do you understand?

Posted the pics,

Got the clicks,

Can’t unsee what

I have seen,

Looking for the clean,

Are you the one for the 


Got me in the middle of


Cause the middle calls

To me,

The middle of the night

When I used to live

For you,

Pacing days,

Praying days,

Glory in the ways,

Adored you when

I was young,

Took notes on how

To be a man,

Now I don’t understand.

In the middle of summer,

That has past,

In the middle of my past

I had you for the at last,

Middle damage done,

What have you become?

I try to sleep and

I try to remember you,

Eyes closed back to 

The middle days,

I am fading,

And soon could 

Be soon,

What do you remember


Fixing Things

Back at it again,

To broken things needing

To get fixed,

Trying for the fast lane,

Wandering with the insane,

3 years since you had me

Locked in,

3 years since the looney


White halls and empty


How many times did they

Cast something out of me?

Or pray not so softly,

Are we still talking about


I got some hurts you can’t 


No sorrow comes with 

Those pills,

Medicine isn’t gonna

Change the way you 

Were to me

Living in the fast lane,

Afraid to rest at night,

Isn’t your job to 

Give some peace,

I am not at ease,

Will I ever be? 

I’ve been locked away,

Never early,

Late to waking up,

Late to growing up,

Do you have the plan,

The plan for how to be 

A man?

I paced and walked and

Fell over screaming,

Had this whole place

Making recommendations.

I am just a patient,

Locked away,

Plugged in so you 

Stay away,

Loveless when I walk,

Cold at night,

How many more years are we

Gonna do this?

You had a chance,

A chance with me,

Young and fragile,

Now all my friends

Have friends,

And I still can’t 

Make amends,

Here we are again,

At it again,

Fixing broken things.

Louder Now Episode #121

Louder Now Episode #121 ****

Hello friends, welcome back to the podcast. This was the first time I have talked with Doctors on this show and it was wonderful. We talk personal stories of overcoming trauma and we get into forgiveness, faith and even some talk about psychedelics. Also, much more .

I loved having them on the podcast and hope to do part 2 in the future.

BIO: Drs. May and Tim Hindmarsh 

Drs. Tim and May Hindmarsh are a dynamic dual physician couple, having a blast doing life together. They are also the hosts of BS FREE MD Podcast. Both are Board Certified Family Practice physicians, currently practicing Urgent Care. Both have over 28 years of diverse experience in family practice, hospital medicine, obstetrics and urgent care. 

Born and raised in Canada, they met in Medical School then graduated from University of Saskatchewan in Saskatoon, SK in 1992 and married 4 days later. 

Both completed Family Medicine Residency at the University of Alberta, Edmonton in 1994 and soon after immigrated to Oregon where they have been practicing ever since. They worked under Samaritan Health Services in the Willamette Valley, OR for 25 years. While there, Tim accrued almost 20 years experience in Utilization Management. He has been on numerous committees and boards including Samaritan Health Board of Directors, (a 5 hospital multispecialty integrated health network). He has served on Pharmacy and Therapeutics, Credentialing, Management Council , Physicians Board and was Medical Director for Twin Oaks Care Center. 

In 2021 they ventured into the private world of Medicine, helping establish Ridgeway Health, a local private Urgent Care Clinic. Both have been frontline physicians during the Covid Pandemic, working almost exclusively in Covid Clinics 2020-2022. 

They both believe in serving the community you are in. While rural medicine has been their main mission field, they have served internationally. May also was Medical Director for StarFish Medical Ministries from 2009-2012. 

In 2021 they launched BS FREE MD Podcast They are passionate and love laughing at their medical experiences as well as getting into serious discussions on the issues in healthcare today. Never boring, they bring a lighter approach to the often mundane Medical world. 

As a successfully married couple for almost 30 years, they have an honest and real discussion about what makes a relationship work, dual physician family struggles and raising great adults. Their motto for success in work/

life balance is: The 4 F’s to success- Faith, Family, Finances, Fun. They bring a raw, real, fun approach to life and their adventures. Described as a “ gas and brake” experience, this lively couple is always on the go. Tim received the Governor’s Award for Contribution to Physical Fitness (Oregon) -2008 and the OHSU Award for Contribution to Rural Healthcare 2006 Founder of ‘Act Alive’- Decathlon of Extreme Sports in 24 hours, raising money and awareness for their hospital foundation Tim is happy to tackle controversial topics in healthcare and challenge the status quo. From Covid to Opioid Crisis , managed care to risk assessment- almost no topic in healthcare is off limits. 

May has overcome eating disorders through marriage and residency, postpartum depression, struggled with imposter syndrome and career regret. As a migraine warrior and autoimmune patient, she is a tough 

“overcomer”. She embraces women’s health issues AND life as a high achieving female professional.

Visit their website: https://bsfreemd.com/

Follow them on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bsfreemd/

Here is the book that Dr. Tim mentions toward the end of the show: 

End of Show NOTES:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:


For support groups:

Follow Louder Now on Instagram:


Email jared.diehl@gmail.com if you have questions or comment


What do I get back from loving you?

Putting you on pause,

Asking because

You are way out there

And I am close in here,

Pills are still taking,

Something is taken,

Are we all mistaken,

Pain in the way I talk

With you, better off

Inside this head,

World is ahead,

And living is for 

The taking,

What do I gain from loving you?

I lose all my soul,

All control,

All is a loss and

All is hostile.

I’ve waited on your call

Late into the evening,

Here to say:

Why can’t we stay even?

I am undressing the things

I have seen and I can’t 

Erase what I have done,

I put you on display,

Hid the things that

Never should be


What do I find now where

I can’t find anything at all?

I feel death is the call,

You want it all,

Never did you once 

Ask for a little part of

This soul,

I can’t give you the


Now I have a soul

And it is screaming,

I have written many notes

To the world and lately

Hopeless words fill the pages,

Are you the future we want,

Waiting for the one we need?

I am gaining you

And losing the control,

Cause love is a 

All consuming flame!