Who’s watching is making a different noise?
And His fear are the hands
You don’t want to fall into.
They are the living kind,
The terrifying kind of alive.
I am the fear of that body on the inside,
And what it means to be here forever.
Don’t cast me out to the gnashing,
Where regret has its circling,
Please keep Virgil next to me,
To show me the circles that wait
For me.
I am Dante on the rock,
I am Dante in the peak
Cause even he can’t outrun the
Storm to come?
I was kissing your steps
And licking your wounds,
I was praying for a monsoon
Cause who doesn’t love a
Good storm–

Louder Now

It is a great excitement and a walk down memory lane to talk about the meaning behind the Ruckus Journal. The pause for me has been crafting the best way to say it on the About page and in the format of this blog. 2017 has marked 10 years for a few things and this blog is one of them. A decade of holding the tag ” Sitting in His presence is a great disturbance.”

I think writing( and all of us would agree) just happens to find its way back to personal and yet deeper then you would want at times stories. The constant run on sentence of connecting everything back to yourself. Its humorous at times and painful and tormenting to always bring it back to your life but usually it is because you are starting with you and ending with a vision for others. You mostly want to write because you want to make some kind of impact with what you say. And on, and on, this conversation could go.

Its 3:23am and I am in the craziest week ever only in the weird travel stuff happening stuff kind of way, so the better poem and this and the post called The Last Time have all been on this trip and this trip pretty much happened right next to Texas part 1 the end of July and in between was a wedding, and a wedding before that before that. So, don’t be surprised if this gets rearranged into something else. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you this. You ready?

Louder now and the Ruckus. Sitting in His Presence is a great disturbance. The idea that Ruckus is disturbing the peace, and making us uncomfortable is a constant reality. We are never called to expect a safe ride. And everyone has to wrestle with it. The Gospel in all its greatness is the least safest message around. The characters of the bible make the loudest Ruckus from the one that started the noise in the first place.

Why are we so afraid of failing at something we didn’t start? We are only here for a few reasons…

I will tell you more later but my disturbance is changing. I am holding back from being all that I can be. I am not joining the army but I am fighting the wars that are in front of me.

If I can be loud with meaning then I guess that would be some cymbals that aren’t annoying and less lovely to hear.

Paul is saying( Apostle Paul) that love is measured by the source of the prophecy and wisdom, the sacrifice of the person, This is a much longer series of writings to reflect. Because love is the center of everything pointing us to Christ.

I am louder because I want to be. I am in the process of staying loud about the right things. I did get the Homer Simpson award in the fifth grade but that was more me wanting attention and being loud as the class clown.

More to come. Getting older..


No its gotta be better
I am in it through the winter,
Fall is coming,
Your song is singing,
This summer was overrated
A little less hot without you,
I am the one burning,
Burning all the way,
Ready for the skin
and the sun to fade away,
The bones be left,
In the valley,
The sentimental line,
The rental kind,
Not everyone needs to know
I see Miami
I see FLorida,
I see east of the sea,
i see everywhere we are gonna be,
I see the waves crashing,
Future of you is near,
Future of that is past,
I regret the smaller part of
That memory,
The burning Houston,
The burning moon,
The burning away of the
I still here,
Valley and all
Elah for the fall,
The slaying of Goliath,
I am ready for Florida,
I am ready for heat,
I am ready for those
Rings to go on repeat,
Your sun is setting,
And where are we now,
Texas is already in the past,
And you, You are the one that
Will last,
These terminals are calling my
Claiming you the same,
I am the God who starts it,
You are the man that finishes it.
I am the race,
I am ready for the pace,
I am broken in the night time
I was sitting for the Uncles
I was living in the troubles,
Glass elevators as kids,
Now I knew we were the ones
To claim
We were the ones to blame,
Cause it was better back there,
But its better here,
Its better tomorrow,
I got a pile of broken
Batteries, a bigger one for
The lost one’s,
I got a problem with sorrow
Its gone by tomorrow,
It was a bigger time back then,
Building something better,
Better than living,
Better than daily,
Something that was
Crazy, something that
Has faded away,
Something learned that
Is better anyway,
I am better now,
I am ready for Florida,
I am ready for Miami,
For those rings to
Go on repeat..

The Last Time

I am sitting. Most of you do this when you write. Most of you don’t care if I sit, or stand, or write anything in my sleep..just don’t think about sleeping through this.

I am sitting in Dallas. The next sentence is why? Why are you in Dallas?  I am working. And that seems to be the understatement of the year!

This blog has existed for a decade and I sort of stopped a long time ago telling people every detail of why I am doing what I am doing, so usually you have this part of any post that apologizes for not giving any context. And it is sort of humorous to pretend like you are so important you need to keep your life a secret. LOL…

Just let me use LOL in a paragraph.

I had this sensation today. I am sitting down and drinking I think what is called Ruta Maya Coffee at the Dallas Fort Worth Airport. Usually this airport drives me crazy only because Dallas does all by itself. I have a sort of 5 hour layover right now because of the way things were today.

It is a time to realign myself with what is important. Not that I have lost it but life moves so quickly and even saying that it moves fast scares as much as the sensation of what you are saying. Ironic how you talk about slowing down in an airport.

Theology: We have this story in Luke 10 about the women who wasted herself at the feet of Jesus. The infamous verse 42 tells us, “One thing is needed..” The story as well as the other Gospels that tell it sort of make us feel like doing anything is unacceptable and all that can matter is sitting at the feet of Jesus. It can seem like doing a lot is not the same as impact. So, what is really going on here?

This passage is not about sitting still verse doing things all of the time or choosing to be still verse choosing to work. Those are way to broad of theological ideas to conclude that this one passage is the end-all-say-all on rest. This is not a theological exposition. I am not sure if I ever want to make this blog that way, but I do love the word. I want to understand it. I need help to see that that one verse is revealing itself in a busy world.

Back to this: the theology of sitting never is a clear vision. We just know its needed. It is never going to look like the person next to you. Part of living free is actually not living like others. It is living like Christ with others. This is not to say we don’t imitate righteous people or those that are Godly, but we do not fall into the snare of comparison.

When was the last time you enjoyed coffee? When was the last time you sat and reflected on what seems to play more of a larger place in your life? I am using seems because maybe you don’t know exactly but you know the closest thing to this answer.

Movies: I always find a way to make things about art and specifically the medium of film. I always am watching and somewhat conflicted all the time with how much energy gets devoted to movies. I mean in my life but clearly in all of our lives. It is clear that film and television pull us way closer then we would ever want and cause us to obsesses over its messages(s).

Films are probing you toward a value system. They are repeating and vomiting on you some kind of value. They are inciting you and provoking every kind of emotion we have as people. If you are one of those people that don’t pay attention to the message then don’t read this. And by the way, that is never true. People see clearly what the message is most of the time they just don’t always connect it to their life or choose to connect it. So, yes I am a movie person and for it, and for art because I aspire in my own life..

I could talk for is the point. Rest creates awareness to what matters. Films and television are going after the story of people, and what are people about. We will always be prompted to choose what matters over what does not. We will always find characters forced to do the right thing and this force is from their own conscience and usually driven by love.

Are you slow down? Are you saying it right? Do you slow down?

When was the last time you were slow enough to catch the meaning behind a film or a show. No, you just watch it to get away from life and responsibilities and your kids yelling all day! No, you just go to church and skim the passages that you hear without sitting with them. It may feel like a weird irony but start with Luke 10. Sit with a passage that is telling you to sit at the feet of Jesus. Or you can read about John the Baptist and wander the deserts of Palm Springs. But, seriously, I say it to me as well to you. I am not in this for the last time. I am not in it to give up, but you got to say goodbye to the wrong things and say hello to what matters.

I am not promoting extremes although that is a personal struggle. I burn everything and say NO and plaster all my commitments for everyone to see! No, but taking some serious steps toward change.

If I have learned anything in my 30 some years of life and especially coming out of years of dealing with depression and anxiety( of which I still battle) it is that action toward the right thing is really the only way to change.

It has to be the last time you motivate yourself with fear and shame. Those two thing alone will keep you stuck and ruined and anyone that calls those two things a path to being Holy is deceived. I am not all about the devil credit lingo where we engage in this mindset that everything is a sword fight with a demon or the devil Himself. Not even Jesus fought the devil( sort of….) but really..if you want to embrace the lies of the enemy then I do agree that fear and shame are demonic..but you don’t hunt after them with rebukes or with a system of deliverance( not usually) say Yes not one last time, but a million times to what is true.

This has to be the last time you make an excuse and the last time you beat yourself up and the last time you rob yourself of life by worrying.

But don’t let that genuine feeling I had today called having a cup of coffee in a place that has made me the slow down. The slowing down..I will say it right the thing that you don’t experience because of the rush life has you going in.

This won’t be the last time you hear about this.




The Capture

The sleepless nights used to scare

Me , the light and it’s scarcity,

The peacelesss life now scares 

Me more,

I watched you pack and unpack 

All those dreams ,

I watched you sit still much to 


I used to think the stay was better 

Than the go,

I used to dream happily ever after,

I just heard you talk about the rapture 

Like it was the final capture

Like it was the end of all things,

I accepted all those beds you bought 

For me,

I just couldn’t accept all that comfort 

You stored up for me,

I was always wanting the more,

I was always sleeping on the floor,

Movies on repeat to drown out

Those so called good memories.

I know I said yes to building it,

The movement and the motions,

The endless nights spent lost 

In devotion, 

The sunrises with breakfast as dinner,

The cure was for the lost sinner like 

Me trying to be free,

You made the ache,

You made the happily ever after ,

You got the keys,

Your the anchor in the rapture ,

You are the final capture

And this city is continuing,

It is gonna continue with You

When Do I

7 days,
7 years,
Came to an end!
I was waiting for the change,
For the greatest of the rearrange,
I was finding the lose change,
I was asking for the better of the
And the better of the future I could
Barely see,
Why are you always the one I see when
I close my eyes?
I used to fear the fear that came with the night,
That came with not getting it right,
Yeah, I am up late, 11:30pm,
Waiting for the am,
Asking to dream again,
Napping on the out and the
Wanting it to begin,
A new love,
A new kind of above,
Cause its been a little to
Heavy above me,
I am afraid of losing the sleep,
Rather now I am more scared of
Losing the peace that got me
Here to begin with..
So cross those arms wide open,
Open them again with no words
You are the faded of the beauty,
You are the one I see when I
close my eyes

7 Days

I am pulled into it.
I want to be loud, like real loud.
7 days until you say forever,
Can’t break that bond, ever!
Was a bad brother,
Had a better mother,
We had some shit for furniture,
We had a much better future,
We had not hired photographer,
No live camera collector,
We had that dad talk by the theater,
We had that talk of the rapture,
That hope filled final capture,
That kind of blessing no one gave
A crap about anyway,
Because–daily, got in the way–
I am broken still,
And passing you still,
Windy and winding down,
Ready for me–
Am I the high that you had?
Am I the sky that led you bad?
Cause I miss taking the time
To stare at it too–
I am at the verge,
And the edge,
I am comfortable with me
Now, and If I see you soon
I will be the zoom
And the speed that you need.
I had a feeling,
I was always your ceiling,
Using me like a cap,
Like a rap you couldn’t
Write yourself,
I was the rhyme and the rhythm
You needed to survive,
The honey in the bee
I was working, always,
To build your temple,
To steal your shovel,
Cause every word ended,
With plows and shares,
And war ending tares,
And which victory did
I get to choose?
Cause 7 days is a much
Longer maze,
Is a better set of 70’s,
And tragedies,
So, where are you now?
Windy Chicago,
Calling me late,
When I had a ton on
My plate,
When she wasn’t gonna
Stay anyway,
Cause everything was
Higher in L.A.
Dark over the light
Over the night–
Like I was the autopsy,
Fulling your prophecy,
I was problem mental,
Body like a rental,
Where is that second death anyway?
It was on the weekend getaway?
The Friday night stay–
The final Babeling,
The final spelling of
That name we would never
That laughing taboo,
No, I mean just laughing
Was like a boo,
Like a hush,
Like a save it for heaven,
When no one will disagree.
Like I had a spell,
A spell on me,
Like magic,
And black cats,
Like fences and
Snap chats,
Like everyone just
Wants a filter for
Everything, a faded
Color for nothing of
7 days until you say yes,
Yes to the magic,
And that pain will
Be forever,
A little sun,
A little begun,
Like laughter now,
Cause was it all that
Like would I get paid for
Speaking right,
Or staying up all night?
Did you drive me down
And keep me up?
Did you freeway it up?
Cause few have stayed,
And many have left,
And the crowds still
Shatter the same..
I hope you get a little bit
More than 7 days.