The Ruckus Journal has been a lifetime in the making. It started with high school being a constant adventure of entertaining myself and friends with stories and rewriting and recording all things funny..and so on and so on..it became this.
After high school it stayed on the shelf and was later burned in a fire..the inception of absurd stories worth repeating.
2004 to 2012 was spent living in Kansas City and this blog was developed in that time. I remember reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott and making myself write. Zack inspired it to and the community around me. I was also up all night for 4 years straight. You can see some night metaphors in some poems..that is where a lot of that started.
2012 to 2014 became the hardest 2 years of life. More to come on that.
2014 to now has been life in Los Angeles. La Verne is home. San Dimas is the home base of Able Source where I currently work.
Writing to me has been something to do when I am not doing something else. Something else has been making videos, reading, playing hockey, watching movies and shows, and spending time with people. I find myself thinking about what to write when I am doing ‘something else’ yet what I write has always come out of everything else.
The Ruckus originated with this tagline that said, “Sitting in His Presence is a great disturbance.”
I was very focused on this idea of fearing God in my early years of school. I know deeply that it came from a very real place of feeling like when I turned 18 and I went to IHOP-KC that I was starting over with my faith. I was really giving it my everything. I felt really saved. I am sure we all relate to the difference between intention and being around the language, and then feeling the very opposite.
My experience with this new Gospel that had been the same I heard before was that it stuck. It was written in my heart as the Scripture says.
The loud noise and commotion I was trying to make was that life was about Jesus. Jesus was the sole source of everything. I had spent night after night praying and reading and burning with hearts that had the same intention.
I am literally writing this in 2018 now 14 years later from when it started and now 6 years from it ending. Here I am..as Isaiah said. Here I am with the same God, same Jesus, same Holy Spirit, and same blog.
I have lost a lot of journals, video tapes, cameras, footage, pictures, dropbox files, but I have not lost this. I have not deleted this blog. No regrets. Why should I?
I am still sitting in His presence. I am still disturbed by many things I see and hear. I feel like Habakkuk praying and almost yelling at God about why He is not doing anything about the violence and the impurity that He is looking at.
I think I have spent to much time being hard on myself for not doing enough, or even worse what I have done hasn’t been enough.
Often we are not motivated by what we see. We are not very moved by the news and media that showcases tragedy. We are more motivated by the unseen reality that the end of life is a giant period for all of us.
It will come to an end. It is going down. We all have a general awareness that death is for all of us. However, the conversation on that day will have a tone, but what will it be?
A louder noise is now. The commotion has already been made. Any loud noise we speak in the name of Jesus will it sound right, and should it?
It is to easy to just be loud about anything. It is much harder to be louder about the right thing, and about that which will cost you something to speak about it.
I am my own worst critic but I cannot get away from the idea that I want people to listen to me. I have never escaped that desire and that way of thinking. I don’t have a stage, a church, a pulpit. I have a few recordings from those backyard days, but who cares.
The majority of us won’t ever have a stage. And that is a God thing. That is what He wants from us. We have to be bold witnesses no matter what.
Love is what is loud.
Love is what should be the loudest of sounds we make.
Now is me today. Now is me at 32 and counting..telling myself..I am just getting the hang of this. I am just liking myself more now then I did then. I am just barely writing anything that seems to make any sense. I am now. This is now. This is today.
I aim to be loud. Louder now.