Into the Light: behind the scenes of Courageous Minds

This is a making of video for a project with Tri City mental health services here in Pomona where I live. Mostly shows my family and how they have been a huge part in the journey of battling depression. I am so blessed and grateful to them and so many other close friends. To God be the glory!

Resume

Thursday was always the end of the beginning

The nights you piled in,

Stumbling to me again,

Top of those stairs,

Hidden bathroom talks,

Hidden fears never released,

It was pen, it was ink, but it

Was your voice that scared me the

Most—couch family, did you leave me?

It had tears in it, it had water in it,

Its pain spilt all over the floor–

Now those haters say I am to

Abstract, like a John Mark McMillan

Song—this heart bleeds, this hair recedes

Not to soon before age embraces me,

Older, single, alone, or satisfied,

Content not for the content that I see,

That I look upon

Raw is the southpaw no one

Can fight with—open is our hearts

O, Corinthians—vile they were,

Worthwhile they weren’t—for

Gifts distract but love attracts!

Today is all I have,

Spring to summer to another

Cold winter—sun doesn’t

Mean you see light,

Beating doesn’t mean you

Are living—let alive be

On the resume, for I will

Resume to know You

And resume to live for You

Away With

In the pursuit is passion and disappointment and pain that takes you from ‘glory to glory!

Night rider

Mercy collector,

Forgery affair—blacksmith of a

Duty, flame set in front of me—thought

Of You all summer long, under those shade

Trees was the delicacies that couldn’t be

Dealt with—

Rightly is where I should be but

Here is where I am—sunset lover,

Waiting to discover,

Dark shadows in the softest of lies,

Orange for safety,

Beach fires, sanded sides of

This ship, going down seems to be

Going around,

Up a little, down a lot, darkness without

Light can never be fought,

Gifts are caught,

But love is taught-

Early I seek, no excuses for the

Meek–the earth is now, the earth

Is future, ruling with secrets inside

Mission statement up for payment,

Early departure requires Your signature—

Death is not ready to take me,

Though we are always ready to be

With You, its not a rapture, its not a

Taking away with, its not a debate anymore—

Its how I live that matters—the end is near

When I want it to be, today is the day for

Pursuit, for answers, for a part of you that

Can never be happy—you made those same

Changes, wrote it on stages, lived in the sages

Of old—love makes you not rhyme sometimes—

I am high above the darkness that used to consume

Me—blood over it, flooded for it,

Vultures used to hover, for I was made to

Discover what it is worth to live

And what it will cost to stay there

Abundance in Joy, but not always in

Materials, abundance in love but not always

In things feeling easier.

Basic Math( I am nothing!)

Addition
Subtraction
What is the missing equation?
I have multiplied my fears,
I have added my anxieties,
I have divided the light from
The dark,
I have added up the sum of how
Little sun I can see sometimes—
Its warm, its SoCal, it’s a beach of
An adventure, yet I have no thermometer—
I am pressed on every side,
I am shaken,
I am not persecuted for this faith,
For this bible I carry around—
For the trouble that has no ground
On me—
I have added up the days I have been
Alive and subtracted the days that I
Haven’t lived—
I have done the math right,
But the numbers don’t lie—
What is the end?
What is my end?
What is my subtraction—
What have I added?
What have I fought through
In numbers, in fears, in depressions,
In oceans of doubt, in religious jargon
That makes no sense—
The math makes sense—
Most are not at zero,
Most are not in the negative,
Most believe they are positive and
In the end the math is theirs to claim—
For Flaming Eyes of Fire they will see
All my numbers, He will add up what I
Have done with the numbers He has given
And I will know the end of the equation—
Me plus me is nothing and anything added
To me was never mine to begin with—

Easily

The comma and full stop language is from a Coldplay song, everything else is reflecting on this time I am spending in the prayer room tonight.

I am easily swayed
I am easily entertained
I am easily into things
Being easy, I am in pain,
Just sitting here before you,
I am thinking of all that has
Never satisfied and how I lied
Daily before I came to you,
Empty was I, tragedy was me,
Sad, low, depressed, beyond
Repair, I hear it tear deep down
In me I am easily not into you—
I sit and sit and wait and wait,
And hear and act as if you are
Not seeing me—but I torched it
Today, the things of yesterday,
The things that get in the way,
Disaster has been a master that
Has been ruling me—control, you
Demand—you understand I say
Back to myself—
Is love on the shelf, or is love in
Front of me right now, new year,
New time, new you, new view,
New easily needs to disappear
From me—I don’t want easy,
Cause it was hard just to say
This, to write this, to live it..
Really, really live it, I do that,
I redact that, I am a comma,
And you are the full stop God!
I exist to be with you—I am
In need and I don’t need it
To be easy, I torched those
Distractions, I faced those
Dissatisfactions, I burned the
Coming attractions—I easily
Could have kept it close to
Me—that which is not of
You—but I lay it down
Now, easily, I lay it down
So that one day sitting
Before you might be
Easy—for now it’s the
Hardest thing I have ever
Had to do

Endless Attempts

Endless attempts
Man’s seeking security
Man’s dodging eternity
Forever an endeavor no
Man lives by, exits to the
Sky and its highlights,
Up and up man wants to
Go, making an endless know
All to what will be pursued
And ensued upon, man attempts
To save Himself, to throw God
On the shelf, to disregard His steps
And His ways—man takes endless
Attempts to get to God, but cost He
Says do you have it? Sacrifice, are you
Willing to carry it? Death, love, light,
And dark, are you willing to carry
A spark—and flames you want they
Will consume you—purity you will
Have to have, eyes of light will keep
You bright—my endless attempts
Are to know you God, not to live
Without you—let me know that
I know that I am attempting to
Be in love and burn in that love
Over and over again—I need it
Daily!

Plan

weight loss plan
trying to understand
repair this despair
as it fades into the air
you stay with me at night
waiting for me to get it right
7 weeks later I am a different
man, crafted into your master plan,
For the sins and the crimes have
Been wasting time, time and time
Again, with you there is no sin,
For the plan I have is to strip down
All that weighs me down and holds me
Back for entering into the fullness
Of All that you have planned and
Ordained for me