Kneeon Tiger Season One Recap

I’ve been playing hockey most of my life. In the last few months my friends and I and some new friends from the rink played a season of weekly games. Here’s the go pro(mostly) recap with some other iphone shots and side commentary. Talking about Facebook etiquette, though tongue and cheek in this video, is a whole post entirely..enjoy!

Into the Light: behind the scenes of Courageous Minds

This is a making of video for a project with Tri City mental health services here in Pomona where I live. Mostly shows my family and how they have been a huge part in the journey of battling depression. I am so blessed and grateful to them and so many other close friends. To God be the glory!

Expansion

This is a reflection on evangelism and being apart of God’s family.

Heavenly Family expansion
Orange County Mansion
Father’s house beckons and
Calls again and again–
You are good but I am misunderstood–
What makes a man?
The rocks he throws
At the issues he knows not of?
Or the house he builds–
Family first but rust is around
This American Dream,
White fences for the black
People, cake eating for the
Rich and famous–
Trade me over God,
Trade me over the poverty–
I have asked, yet I am still a
Mystery to me, I still feel
Distant from the closest
Parts of my inheritance–
This Family you call Heaven
Is it expanding on my watch?
Or do I slave away upon myself
And the noise that I have to bring!
God’s family is all around me,
Where cities are stained Orange
And fallen angels hover under
The bridge and the steps it takes
To Rebuild Babylon,
I am on, I am in, I am through
You, Your family goes through me
This foot needs the hands and
These hands need You

A Gap/A Light

This reflection is hitting a lot of things. The Family of The Year song Hero is one, but the issue of not having dads seems to permeate movies and stories and it really never gets old because art reflects the trials of a time period. The past is the past and my own journey of my family is not the only one to have gone through pain with having a lack of something. But, as men, we can be better than what was modeled for us. There comes a point where even saying, “Oh I am messed up now because of how I saw it when I was a kid!” Yes, we can use that mindset to move forward, but we also stop doing that too. At the end of the day God is our Father and is good and if we can focus on that we can be what we maybe don’t think could ever take place internally.

Meeting smoke,
Worship machine,
Cranked up, moved up,
Reverberated sunset days,
Vibration and rhyme of all the
Time that has gone by,
Dad, where were you when
It counted, when I did not
Know how to count for myself,
Stars to tally up, skates to tie,
It seemed a lie to go to church
On Sunday but then to live angry,
To live unhappy, yes we were a family
But a bad one at that,
Movies move me now,
Cause its still lost somehow-
Father alcohol, Father hornet’s
Nest,
Father stirred me, Father broke me,
My generation is backwards from
Never getting forward ,
From never seeing any depth,
Now church seems like a joke,
For spotting a fake is much easier
Then anyone with any kind of message-
My mess has made me the message,
My test now is the testimony–
30 years to come in the cold thumbs
Of November.
We all say we can be sons without dads,
But can we be ever more than that?
I love the sugar of acceptance.
The sweetness of resistance,
The adopted man has nowhere else
To go, he will always have a family,
Your dad, my dad, all of our dads might
Still bend like twigs in the wind of pain,
And in the sound of tribulation–
But I can still be everything I was made
To be, I am not a hero, I am not gonna be
Big on my own–But if I still choose to die
When everyone doesn’t then what I never
Had can become what everyone needs–
A man, a Father, A husband, A lover of the
Light

New York Trip Recap

IMG_1123In light of posting 10 days ago that I was leaving for New York it would be super fun to update you on how the trip went. I have intentionally left out a lot of details of certain events and struggles I feel apt to talk about in a far, far away place and time from now.

But if you have been reading this blog for some time you will know that from 2004 to 2012 I was in Kansas City and in between from 2009 to 2010 I was living in Orange County working at Trader Joes. Many references in most of my poetry is referring to the last decade of change and transition and all that came with living in Kansas City.

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Zack Hensley and his wife, Carrie and their three children(Natalie, Evan and Fintan) now live in Rochester, New York. Zack is the senior pastor of New Hope church in Bloomfield. Nate and Katty wood and their two children are also with Zack, helping and working with the church.

I first met Zack when I was in Fire in the Night which began September 2004. Zack and I lived together til he got married in October of 2008. We did the night watch together, ate out at IHOP pancakes nearly everyday for a couple years and then later worked together with David Sliker and others for Awakening Teen Camp. Zack became the director of it and led it for 5 summers in a row. ATC has been an indelible experience and even as it is summer right now I wish, wish I was in KC this summer serving and loving on teens. Making videos for the camp was my specific and much blessed job!

But Zack has been a brother, a friend, a pastor to me, a leader to many and his family feels like my family. His transition to New York has been a great time for him and his family.

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Pretty much we ate wings, pizza, sub sandwiches, philly mac attack-cheese steak sandwiches. That was just the food part.

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My other good friend, Eric, has also lived in New York too and the adventures of Elmwood drive lived on. Eric and I adventured into the depths of Stoney something with multiple waterfalls and a very freezing pool to jump into.( river water of course)

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Zack preached at Camp Judah which was super fun and and awesome night of getting to connect with a lot of people I have been around for many years in Kansas City.

garbage plate

Garbage Plate at Steve T’s was very epic. It is amazing how simple ingredients mixed with the right amount of grease and ketchup make for a very delicious meal that might keep you up if you eat it to late at night.

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Heartburn was the last side effect of great eats and just being able to see Zack and Carrie and their very, very cute kids was such a blessing for me. Next time Niagra Falls and Washington D.C. gotta happen. And its possible that we might see Buddy the Elf if we go to Times Square at Christmas time.

4th of July kept its somewhat tradition alive with watching something somewhat patriotic but nothing compares to Will Smith in Independence Day.

The last day of the trip ended with hearing Zack preach at New Hope in Bloomfield. It was also a baby dedication too, which was sweet. Eric led worship and Zack preached on walking in the Spirit and warring on negativity and complaining.

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I love, love my friends in New York and the friendships that have formed over the past ten years( with Zack) and the last four years with Eric. I am so blessed to be able to connect and stay connected over the years. Its amazing where we end up on the journey. I think the key to any transition is to know that your love for Jesus will be tested through the good, the bad and the confusing. Looking back and seeing where your heart is today puts in perspective the gratitude of the direction in which God has led you.

🙂

New YORK!!!!

Well friends, since this blog has become my new twitter and Facebook.
I am going to Rochester, New York for a week!
I am in the airport now, ready and waiting to fall(for all you Mae fans) and I am so excited to see Zack, Carrie, their wonderful kids and my best buddy Eric Hanson. Its been almost ten years now that I have been connected to my Kansas City friends. I haven’t seen a lot of them since I left Kansas City in January 2013. So, it is for sure time to go and celebrate.

My only other time in New York was a times Square/Long Island trip back in October 2010. So, come and join in the fun! Hope to see you there if you live in New York!

History Maker

To my family, to my sister especially and little Noah. The future is scary to try to know sometimes but God is alive and we are not here by accident.

History maker
Heart pacemaker
Ambulance chaser
Find me in court,
Find me in the sorting through
Of the files and the memories
And the photographs of the past
Laughs we had, all that we never
Had, all the nights of extended
Adolescence, all the iridescence,
All the little things you said to
Me, you were older sister, older
Wisdom, older kingdom to come,
You went ahead, went first, went
Before me, dark has followed us,
The shadow and the sound it has
Come back around, the devil is
That bevel of a sketch around us,
History maker I say, for the generations
Can’t go away, their past is our present,
Our future is our kids, they walk and talk
Around us now, Noah to grow up, Noah
To own it, Noah to be loved more than
We ever were, I spent it, that thing called
Innocence—I sprayed it away, drew its
Name upon the wall, gave it to whoever
Would stay with me long enough to love
Me right—I cannot go back, I cannot change
That thing called purity, called clean, called
Never messed with—for this little sister
Generation, this little sister beneath me,
Is she spoken for, has she been claimed,
Modesty is far from those around me,
For they live beneath the surface,
Face lift, body adjustment, skinny is
Killing everyone! Blood is on our hands,
History can’t change that easily!
Bury me God, bury me in the ground
But let me live and change my generation,
Let me live a full life without thinking twice,
Let me live with a pure heart to impart it
To the one’s beneath me—for the love of
Family, and the love of the generations—
Change the pacemaker in me, beating
Fully, beating wholly for you, beating not
Just to survive, beating to come alive!
Save me, save this generation,
History maker is me

Close

This is an older reflection but don’t know if I have ever posted this.

Close

As long as we’re together
We will cry forever

Sitting at the dinner
Table eating and seeing
The world around us
I can’t take shaking feet
Anymore, explosion
Building like an army
Of a million, I want
To hide like a camilian
You tell me who I am
And how it’s been
So long since we
Have seen our own
Eyes connect. I want
You to correct me again
Be in my life when
I’m away from you
The thought of missing you,
Like super glue on my tears
They stuck
To you as we cried
Together, even in a
Place with perfect weather.
We are our greatest danger.
Not knowing our hearts,
There are false starts in the
Marathon of being a true
Friend, shouting from the rooftop
‘I’m with you until the end’
I want to go home
I don’t want to be alone

If you don’t come I don’t know
Where else to go
Eight beats of my heart
Step toward the precipice

But I Wish(older poem)

I have been posting the best of the past few years. Here is one I wrote actually after staying up all night doing homework. Its a family reflection.

But I Wish

But I wish mom you wouldn’t have left so much, your duty was flight duty,
In and out was what it was about, separation sheets wet, instant regret,
Clothes messy, no time for laundry just a messy sundry open always but independent
Always I wish you would have taught me how to read but I still learned to succeed, for an
Ode to parenthood for I was still misunderstood, sleep was rare because I lived in fear life at
The top of the stairs, pills never, tv always, moving softly did sister sit next to me, I wish she never
Went away, you remember to L.A., sunny Venice beach, Jesuit stripes within reach, resident guide
To the college bride, 21 engaged now today she’s paged and drafted by my text messages, but I wish
I didn’t wish so much because I am in such a rush to get past this feeling of alone not yet, Sophomore
Year came with much fear, all my favorite ladies slipping away from me, splliing out over me in all those
Swiss Army Romances, but I wish somedays dad would float away in an upheaval today, all the anger,
Sullen shut with a wager, pain cost something and we’re all still recovering, all the yelling has brought
The swelling, buried basement it became lifting weights to be stronger, model ambition, bright green
Eyes, six pack a must and that first crush, the camera lens became a friend, attention always kept me in
Control, now dancing crowd gathered around they did not knowing I felt so empty even pie faced hefty
With sugar in the place my face always uplifted but my soul always shifted, 2004 came to fast, now I am
Still lying in grass day dreaming of all these wishes of always changing, learning and growing, see it
Sounds so bitter of all the splinters in my nails thoughts not so well, and the fear surrounded that
Kept me grounded and locked up now today I am different and I wouldn’t change parents nor siblings
Nor anything of my childhood, not even reading more or past regrets because I have played with that
Just a little at a time and all it has been is wasted time, for pain has come and pain has gone but who I
Am now, why would I dare go backwards and save myself over again for all this mess has brought me
To it, to stick to Him in pain or progress, in praise or depression, in sorrow, guilt and most of all—a lack
Of love that all are wounded with—for it is that lack that pulls us closer to the one who gives it.
Let us rejoice in what we have and forgive what stands and holds us back

Same Changes

This was written in summer of 2012 and most likely I was jamming the song Same Changes from the Weepies. And from the movie Morning Glory(which is one of my favorites)! This poem was, at the time it was written, myself reflecting on all the changes that were taking place in my life and the longing to want to matter and love in the process of things changing.

Same Changes

Now I am growing real numb trying to overcome
Daily matters in the making, love now in the taking
My heart still, still breaking, I want you to know I am really
Bad at letting go, and going real slow at feeling it deep down inside
Now your text message has drafted and grafted me in to change
And rearrange things and get absorbed into your world, I’ve
Been far to satisfied with summer nights trying to get it right
Staying up all night, red eyes tightly in my rear view mirror
Her hair stays everywhere and inside of my mind,
Thoughts of you do increase but distance sits inside
Of me, upon the shoreline, takes up a lot of new time, now life
Is sitting in you ready to make its way out, keeping you tout
And sure things will never change and the messages of the past
They never change, now the same changes pass both of us
And always I feel messed up by life’s medicine, and
I am a jettison to the pain that haunts,

Its still always a red eye flash back, empty sundry, empty laundry
Now I am never clean, always in line for change, in and out it was,
Gone at 5am the world scatters around me,
The cops verse the cape and now there’s still an ache,
Dark knights at home, waiting for change, on the top of those
Stairs, sifting through the fear, Orange
Town now the place where we live and give all of our time, now no one
Seems to blame but things sometimes don’t change,
Stay close those that are close, never lie to me that leaving
Won’t be your destiny, that life’s jet way won’t go your way,
Older now I am and understanding it within, I am what
I am and now I know who’s close and who’s far and
Who’s left a scar, but now I am ready to start new with
Love that remains in the process