Close Again

Emptied out over the years
Edge of the driveway fears,
Left it in spring, when it never did
Rain, when the blizzard was the wizard
With the wand, with the bond, with the
Connection to you, in the aisle, all the while
Worthwhile looks from you, I thought I knew
What was close, what it meant to be a host,
What it means now to try not to boast—
I am dead around You, and around all that
You do—I see all from a distance,
Walking in resistance,
I am no miracle man,
I am a Minnesota man,
For the love of cold and
Winter—O, for all that skating
Taught me—how you came in the stands,
You clapped both hands—
Mom held her head low
For all that the injury could go-
I hope I am new, I hope I am
In the renew—I hope I cannot
Feel this way for to long—
That feeling of disconnect—
The city it sits—black, white
And full of little light–
L.A. is a lonely journey
Under the bridge,
Under the pain you
Bring to me—I have just
Firework memories now—
When sparks did fly,
When backseat was where
You did sit, when near me
Was never nearly enough—
I wait and I pause I ask for
The because—Why do I long?
Why do I thirst? The cops verse
The cape and there is still an ache—
Black Knight, black crusader,
Blackened Darth Vadar, are you
My father? For it seems the same—
A mask to blame, where you hid
Behind it—the way you talked,
The way God is not—not my dad,
Not a broken man with broken
Dreams—ache, please, longing,
Please—you are not a myth,
You are all that is true
And all that is pure,
And all that is for sure—
I cannot get this anywhere else—
Even when it seems so close
To feeling close again

Wind With

Wind with
With wind
Time to apprehend,
Time for time to end,
For forever to begin,
For the faces that have
Nothing but shadowed
Memories of lives full of empty—
Do I have what you ask for?
Do I have what you desire?
Do I have the wind?
Wind with me please,
Someone to shield,
Someone to yield,
Some fruit to peel
Back, some hearts with
Lack—I am still empty
When the stadium is
The medium,
When the crowd is
Loud and the loudest
I can be—is the shadow
Where all men stay—
Because without light
I cannot get anything
Right—for evil is what
I crave, for knives and
Guns and explosions,
Are all men expendable?
Mercenaries or lovers?
Just simple church goers—
Not good enough,
I am waiting for the world
To fall away, so the end
Can come, so light can reign
But please let us not be apart
Of the dark things we know will
Come—let us be lovers of the
Wind, of the light—of all that
Is pure and right


Someone for the abandon
Someone to play Poseidon,
Some waves to crash,
Some love to rehash,
Summer is lonely under
The shade tree, it starts
Out as pleasure, endless
Fruits and the future suits
To dress me up in—
But then it gets bitter,
And sour and unheard of
Things—summer spring
Winter to claim,
Dried up am I,
Someone for the abandon,
Someone to play Poseidon,
I am at sea, and I want it,
Tossed and drowning,
Hungry in the yawning,
Sleepless at sea,
Sleepless in the comfort—
Sleepless on the freeway,
For my life is to safe,
To easy, to much ease,
To much of the downloads,
Of the distraction,
Of the endless
Action dissatisfaction,
I have of the explosions
And the blood and the guys
And those that just merely
Survive, I need not just
Poseidon, or all those
Forces in nature—I need
A not so safe future, without
Regret, without fear,
With many waves,
Many seas,
Many shores to
Wash up upon—
I want it,
I am going to get it,
I will not quit—
Toss me you fake
Gods and Goddesses,
Only one thing can stand
When in comes the lamb

Had The Haves

I had it,
Had all the haves
You could want and
Live in, sunrise to my
Surprise, was in need of light,
Was up all night,
Was trying to get it right—
Out of mind is not out of sight—
Thoughts of you line up the sky
Real bright, my Samsonite with me
All the secret things of me locked in it,
Red train, red trails, Redwings to despise,
Ceiling jump, Stanley Cup, it was victory,
It was radio, it was static, it was years of
Unclear dreams and painful realities—
Now I am out,
Had the had that
I could ever want to
Have—backseat chaser,
Storm chaser,
Blanket spread,
Leaves were never dead,
Fire and explosion,
Had you to cold,
Needed you warm,
Needed you like the norm,
Then came the storm
And black was white—
Night was light,
Ceiling stare where
Is he, where is the
Connection—fire and
Rain, fire and pain—
Should have had the
Had that you could cling to—
Blanket spread, feet like led—
Summer is a sad season
When all is stripped away—
My love for you, God, will
It please not fade away—
For those that I have lost
And those that I have found—
Let my love be sound and
Clear and really, really near

The Couch

Many things to update on this blog. But I am really, just really hungry for the Lord in this season of life. I am making room for silence in my life and that is messing me up. I am hearing things I have not heard in a while. Here is my reflection and reflections to come on wanting all from Christ.

So unsure
So unstable
Still able was
I to sit and try to
Cry, truth came out
Pain came forth, drew
Me out, trying to sit
Culture does say might
Revisit dry places of cracks
And crevices and areas of
Weakness, I sat on your couch
I did soak then in that pain again,
I waited, I heard, I feel man’s
Problem is trying to respond,
Trying to unwind endless visitations
Of Jesus times, couch only I required,
For to sleep on it would separate me
From you, for I am not one God with
What you desire,

I used to see them sit
And wait for work to end, for dvr to
Apprehend and time to bend toward
Completion, never having it, Lord, I say
It everyday, my past gets in my way,
I have to sway and say I never had a
Couch, I never had a place to sit and
Revisit the dry places, the cracks and
The crevices of me—sitting is not me—
Running is me—away from all that hurts
And the dirt that I carry in my eyes, puffed
Up I am on all my libraries of knowledge,

But I don’t like the couch cause its there
I face it—the way I am, the way I’ve been,
Where you begin—find me on the run,
Find me on your couch waiting to
Discover my own despair, my need
For repair, my need for someone to
Sit with—lonely does it get trying
To make time for more of my dreams
That fill my nights with endless wants
And no solutions—sit me still Lord,
On the couch where we can speak
To each other, where we can be


The comma and full stop language is from a Coldplay song, everything else is reflecting on this time I am spending in the prayer room tonight.

I am easily swayed
I am easily entertained
I am easily into things
Being easy, I am in pain,
Just sitting here before you,
I am thinking of all that has
Never satisfied and how I lied
Daily before I came to you,
Empty was I, tragedy was me,
Sad, low, depressed, beyond
Repair, I hear it tear deep down
In me I am easily not into you—
I sit and sit and wait and wait,
And hear and act as if you are
Not seeing me—but I torched it
Today, the things of yesterday,
The things that get in the way,
Disaster has been a master that
Has been ruling me—control, you
Demand—you understand I say
Back to myself—
Is love on the shelf, or is love in
Front of me right now, new year,
New time, new you, new view,
New easily needs to disappear
From me—I don’t want easy,
Cause it was hard just to say
This, to write this, to live it..
Really, really live it, I do that,
I redact that, I am a comma,
And you are the full stop God!
I exist to be with you—I am
In need and I don’t need it
To be easy, I torched those
Distractions, I faced those
Dissatisfactions, I burned the
Coming attractions—I easily
Could have kept it close to
Me—that which is not of
You—but I lay it down
Now, easily, I lay it down
So that one day sitting
Before you might be
Easy—for now it’s the
Hardest thing I have ever
Had to do

Endless Attempts

Endless attempts
Man’s seeking security
Man’s dodging eternity
Forever an endeavor no
Man lives by, exits to the
Sky and its highlights,
Up and up man wants to
Go, making an endless know
All to what will be pursued
And ensued upon, man attempts
To save Himself, to throw God
On the shelf, to disregard His steps
And His ways—man takes endless
Attempts to get to God, but cost He
Says do you have it? Sacrifice, are you
Willing to carry it? Death, love, light,
And dark, are you willing to carry
A spark—and flames you want they
Will consume you—purity you will
Have to have, eyes of light will keep
You bright—my endless attempts
Are to know you God, not to live
Without you—let me know that
I know that I am attempting to
Be in love and burn in that love
Over and over again—I need it

Full Of

God.Life.Love. Relationships. Connection. Eternity. And most of all, love.

Is there room for me,
Inside and around the things
That you do, the wonder of you,
The thoughts of closeness to you,
Where can I fit in, where can
I start to begin, infinite mercy
And infinite love is showered
Down upon me, like a rental,
Not in the mental, he came,
He was maybe to blame, the
Hits I took in secret became
Public and suspect to reject
The lovely things about myself,
And on the shelf my story lives,
My life it gives back to me,
For I alone know this memory,
To live, to die, to crossover,
To stand before Him with those
Eyes of flames and the name
Above all names—I am here,
I am infinite, I am full of greatness
I am wonderful, I am incredible,
I have not found yet someone
To share this with, I am alone
In the crowd and your voice
Is real loud, I dance, I entertain,
I proclaim that the world could
Satisfy but I try not to lie, I ache
Daily, I am restless, I am heartless
At times, I am resting on nothing
But those promises that await me,
Righteous choices to catch up
With me, but love to stay with me—
For I know now that all the good
In me will be seen and carry over
Into forever, accept me, don’t
Reject me, make me empty, so
I can be full of you—full of love,
And full of truth.

God I See You, Part 2

More on God seeing us. Inspired by the song from Mumford and Sons when they say, “Come down from your mountain and stand where we have been, you know our breath is weak and our body is thin!”

Choose one, choose me, say it over
That it isn’t over, that the end with you
Is where I begin, waited, sifted, patiently
Adjusted, eyes have seen what can never
Be seen again, changed, on the mountain
You have stood where I’ve been, you have
Seen me frail, seen me travail, seen me avail
The force of hell that sinks deep inside of me,
Choose to stay, choose to stand, choose to be
A man, chose to understand, o, affliction where
Have you not stricken me? where have you not
Hit my life, hit with a strike, made me think
Twice of this life of offering, now I see that
God you see me and I choose to stay and
Be, I choose to live, I choose to give—more
Of myself, more of me, all of me, you died
For it, so let me live with it—that thing
Called flame and fire and desire and fear—
For only you can guide me, for only you
Can take this cup and all its suffering,
Must death be the only way, for I cannot
Wait very well anyway—must it be that
I suffer and die daily when all is hazy,
When the mind gets crazy, when the
Culture is a vulture of death flying over
Me—my flesh be the corruption with
Eyes that pierce the light, let me get
It right, let me love you in the night,
So come down from your mountain
God and stand where I have never
Been-stand and see me, stand and love
Me, stand and receive me, stand and
Let me fall in front of you, so—you,
Only you can pick me up—for
I know now that I am just dust,
And I will rust and die one day,
Let it not be said that I wasted
The small amount of air you
Gave me—all to breathe, all
To see you God, all to see that
You will never be like us,
You will just be with us,
And love us, like us, enjoy
Us—let me believe that

I See You God

A combination of the last couple of weeks. Wanting to respond and receive God’s mercy for my life.

Reflector shine light on me,
Storyteller tell me a story,
You like, you fell, you tried to
Tell, you loved, you gived, you
Haved, you wanted, you longed,
You stopped, you paused, you
Fought the cause, now you live
In because and change is what
You want, a man is what you need
To be, pain, trials, suffering, erasing
The painstaking memories of the past,
Dark without a spark stayed with you
All those days, all those nights, all those
Fist fights with self images and mirror
Stare downs—now you long, now you
Live—now you are normal and don’t
Want to be—pain stays with you to
Remind you to return and run and
Fall into the love that has saved you,
Depression and electricity stay behind,
For power is in you to speak, to shout,
To make it real loud how you have longed
All your days to belong, to be accepted, to
Be loved and you haven’t gotten what
You wanted—you have received what
You needed and will need to keep
Your heart beating—stop and pause,
And rewrite your story over again,
Storyteller tell me a story, tell me
History, tell me of blasphemy they
Shout and crucify their shouts to
Nails bent around those hands of
Love that reached down when I
Was a long lost cause—now I reflect,
Now I reject, now I choose, now I
Need, Now I bend, Now I say what
I want to say to all who have fallen
Away—love has guided, love has
Divided, love has come, desire, and
Pain stay but love will never fade
Away—so I choose even if no
One chooses at all—I choose to
Live, to give, to receive what I can’t
Give myself—mercy, freedom, love,
Grace, power all to do it again and
Again day after day, new year upon
New year, holiday upon holiday,
Lead me not away from you, cause
Me to return, to remember, to stay
November when I turn another age,
Higher, older, wiser, smarter, but
In more in need year upon year—
I see you God and I hear.